I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎04-10-2022

Hi James, did you get your hoodie? I'm a bit jealous that you got to see it twice. And it sucks that you had to go to the bathroom - but at least you had seen it before (so hopefully you didn't miss too much of it).

My friend still has to come back at some stage to fix the wheels on a clothing rack that I have. I didn't have a spanner to tighten the wheels, when he put it together. I also didn't get to tell him everything that I wanted to and need too. He is fine with me putting his details into the paperwork - so I'm really pleased by this. He is usually happy to help me out, if he can. We talked like no time had passed and we both can talk non stop!!! Which is one of the reasons why I think we get on so well.

I've spent the day in bed - as I was up all night. I am still getting chills - it's because I have a messed up immune system and other than layering up - there's not much else I can do. I had a blood test done recently - but all I know so far is that I'm anemic and need an iron infusion which one of my specialist doctors is organizing. I will be speaking with my GP later in the week. My gp even tested my bloods for thyroid levels because if they're underworking that can cause you to be cold.

Bbydoll · ‎08-10-2022

My health hasn't been good. 2 nights ago I had severe pain in my bowel from eating 2 apples; so I was up all night because of it. Yesterday morning I went first thing to pick up my medications for the month before the rain started up again. I then came home put on my pajamas and went to bed and slept from about 11am to 4am this morning. All I had eaten yesterday was a packet of oreo biscuits. I haven't eaten much over the past few days because my bowel hasn't been happy. So I've been eating one meal a day. I am feeling emotionally flat because my health is playing up. I was planning on doing some more cleaning this weekend because of all the rain but I just want to have something to eat and head back to bed. I really want to see my male friend again but haven't heard anything from him because I know he has his youngest child with him because of school holidays and I want him to spend time with his child whilst he can. I still need to tell him what's on my mind in case anything happens with my surgery. I'm hoping to get the paperwork sorted by Thursday - so will send him a message once it's done. So that I can give it to him before I am admitted to hospital. I'm still anxious about what I need to say to him but I'd rather tell him and be transparent with him; than leaving it unsaid.

Bob_22 · ‎09-10-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear that your health hasn't been too good this last week. It's perfectly normal to feel anxious in the lead up to a surgery and I'm sure the stress around speaking with your friend has added to that. There is really no right time to come forward with these things to our loved ones but I'm sure it will come up organically as you seem to really care about him.

Cleaning and housework is important but remember to take care of yourself first. I'm sure once you are physically feeling well again all the rest will fall back in place. Just try to prioritise your mental health during this stressful period. 💙

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎11-10-2022

Hi Bob, I'm not stressed about the surgery. I've had lots of surgeries over the past 20 years. I just want it done. I slept 12 hours straight last night. Fatigue and exhaustion is horrible and I've been dealing with this all my life alongside ongoing health issues. Unfortunately for me they never stop. I have several auto immune illnesses that control my life and is the cause of some of my issues with depression. I'm so tired of struggling with my life. I have no quality of life because of my health issues. And the very things I enjoy doing (going to musicals and concerts); I can't afford to do at the moment because everything is so expensive. I can't get work - because I'm not qualified to do anything. I can only earn about $80 a week before it affects my dsp and I only ever worked one job which I got fired from through no fault of my own as a teenager. And my chronic pain means that I would probably have to do something sitting down as I can't stand for long periods any more and struggle with physically demanding things.

As it gets closer to Christmas my anxiety and depression levels get worse because I hate Christmas. I don't feel festive. I've spent the past few Christmases alone at home. I also don't achieve anything concrete throughout the year; so I only feel like a complete failure. I haven't done anything for new year's eve because no one bothers to ask me out anywhere. But then again, no one bothers to ask me anywhere ever or check up on me either - no family. No friends.

Bob_22 · ‎12-10-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Sorry to hear about everything as well as your worsening anxiety and depression in the lead up to Christmas. I am currently unemployed at the moment as well and find that most of my friends/family don't have time either. To fill the time I try to keep busy with chores or by picking up new hobbies such as volunteering. In fact, volunteering can be a great way to meet new people as well without affect your income. Have you considered this? 💙

Bob

james1 · ‎12-10-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

No I didn't. They ran out. But I've been looking online and considering buying it from their webstore you mentioned, so thank you for the tip 🙂

I'm really sorry to hear your health has been playing up. I understand that it feels like just another thing to have to deal with and I really wish there was more we could do to try and give you some more practical help. But good on you for just focussing on making sure you get your medications and just what you need before the surgery.

Christmas is a tough time for me too, and I know there are others who also struggle with Christmas. In the past, I've seen others start threads about it or talk about it like you have here. I think it's a common struggle and I started to feel its strain on my own mental health start a couple of weeks ago. Annoyingly, it started when I saw one of my favourite movies, Nightmare before christmas, on my shelf. Won't stop me enjoying that movie and the songs, but yeah. I don't like this time of the year. Actually, one of the things I really try to do is spend more time with my animals over Christmas. I think of them as being my family. I realised i've never actually asked if you have kept any animals, or even the new favourite of city-dwellers, any houseplants?

James

Bbydoll · ‎13-10-2022

Hi Bob and James;

I've had 2 nights back to back sleeping over 11 hours each night. And have a horrible headache right now.

I have thought about volunteering but would need something where I could sit down. Even thought about lifeline - but you need a decent computer and Internet connection, as well as a decent phone and several hundred dollars to do the training beforehand - all of which I don't have.

I had dogs growing up. Plus on my own have had fish and budgies. All of which have died due to age. I don't have any pets currently. I'm limited to what I can have because I live in an apartment and because I'm in and out of hospital so much and don't have any one reliable to look after them at the drop of a hat. I actually asked my brother last year if I had a cat; and ended up in hospital would he feed it for me. And he said no. (In his words - I'm not going to just drop everything for you).

I'm just waiting on a grocery delivery from woolies - 33 items over $200. It's insane. 11 of those items are frozen meals because I'm still doing mostly low fat meals - except when I binge eat. I'm trying to avoid going back to hospital as a flare up of gallstones.

I was supposed to get my paperwork photocopied today... but don't really have the energy or motivation to do it. So will leave it until tomorrow or Monday. I do a have a printer at home - so I might see if I can get it working and save a bit of money - and me walking to the shops.

I've done most of my Christmas shopping for my brother and sister in law online - so just have to wait for it to be delivered. Doing it before the Christmas rush starts with the deliveries!

Bbydoll · ‎16-10-2022

I spent all of Saturday in bed with a red, sore throat. Possibly a flare up of glandular fever; as my body has had that for several years and unable to fully shake off. My GP mentioned to me that this will go on until my body has accumulated it in into my system. But being immune suppressed my body takes longer to fight things off. Because of this I missed out on 2 things that I was super keen to go too. The first was a free pop up event at circular quay - for moulin rouge. The second was a free pass to the mind, body, spirit festival also in Sydney - but Darling Harbour. To top it off my electric blanket died. I use it every day because every night about 530/6pm my body gets cold. I also use it for pain management. This was a relatively new one as well which is really unfortunate and I won't be able to buy another one until next pay which is about 2 weeks away!!!!!

Bob_22 · ‎16-10-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update! I'm sorry you had a rough couple days with being sick as well as some bad luck. I hope you have other measures you can use for pain management. I know I used to use heat packs or hot water bottles. Keep us updated and I hope you get better soon! 🙂💙

Bob

james1 · ‎19-10-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

Sounds like you did a really good job of keeping the dogs, fish and budgies. Hopefully you can get a cat one day too. I have a dog, a rabbit and a bird, and I understand the concern about what to do with them when you're not available. I'm lucky in that my sister can take care of them. I actually bumped into someone at the coffee shop one day who I was talking to about it and they actually offered to take care of my animals for free if I was ever away. I thought that was really nice of them to offer. Hopefully you can find someone who would also do the same, and let you get a cat without having to worry. I think I have seen quite a few people on my local facebook group talk about it, though it obviously takes a little bit of trust. But at least they're local.

Just in terms of volunteering, have you spoken to others on these forums about their issues even in an informal non-volunteer way? I ask because you express yourself really well and, unfortunately, have a lot of experience with overcoming both physical and mental health challenges. So I suspect you'd be able to relate with many others who are struggling as well, even if your situations are slightly different. There's no expectation for anyone to do that and I certainly would not want people to take away anything from their own self-care, but I found these forums to be a good way for me to engage with the community but not have any obligations when I was struggling too. Just a thought, though I also understand you have plenty going on already without having to worry about others' issues.

That's a shame about the potential glandular flare up. Hopefully it's only brief. How are you going this week?

James