I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎20-10-2022

Hi James and Bob, I slept from 4pm yesterday to 8am this morning - so 16 hours straight. I didn't get up once in that time!!! Definitely not normal that's for sure. My throat is still sore - and I'm still very run down. I have had a hard time keeping my body warm without the electric blanket. I actually slept in my dressing gown (and flanelette pyjamas and bed socks); plus a thick fake mink blanket, quilt and sheet sets etc. If I'm sitting up and still cold - the biggest heat pack I have - heated and put between my pyjamas and dressing gown - eventually helps.

It's now 4pm and one of my neighbours; has decided to crank up his techno music that I can hear over my tv (and closed up apartment). This neighbour has been doing this regularly and it's so frustrating because I need my peace and quiet (and ironically enough I was promised that this building was going to be a quiet one when I moved in - because I had chronic headaches at the time. And of course it hasn't been quiet at all). This morning we also had someone trigger the smoke alarm system for our building and took 30 minutes for a fire truck to get out here because we have had faulty call outs previously.

All I've done all day is eat dumplings (nuked in the microwave). And ice cream. And have eaten all of both of them. I don't get paid until next week but I do have frozen meals to eat - so plenty left to eat. Though I think I must be a little bit dehydrated as the room was spinning when I bent over. So will drink more water and just take it easy for the rest of today.

Bob_22 · ‎21-10-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you might still be physically. I hope you start to feel better soon though. Be sure to take special care of yourself during this period (especially during mental health month of all months haha). Water is definitely important and makes a difference. My psychologist says to stay on top of diet, sleep and exercise. He said roughly 2L water per day for me and between 6 -10 hrs sleep per day. I've attached a fact sheet that has some sleep hygiene tips if that's of any use: https://headspace.org.au/assets/Factsheets/HSP225-Sleep-Fact-Sheet-DP3.pdf Definitely recommend giving it a read. 💙

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎22-10-2022

Hi Bob, I'm still unwell. My throat is still red raw and sore. I slept yesterday from 4pm to 4am - without waking up at all. I eventually got up for a few hours and had something to eat and drink and took my morning tablets. I've been resting a bit today as well. I do normally drink at least 2 litres of water a day - because I have had a lot of bowel surgeries.

I have been sleeping 11- 14 hours straight because of whatever my body is currently trying to fight off. Sleep hygiene programs don't work for me because I have had issues with fatigue since I was a teenager (I'm in my 40s now). I never feel refreshed from sleep. I'm easily fatigued due to my auto immune illnesses and I have been blacking out in front of tv due to absolute exhaustion from the fatigue. Trust me when I say, I've tried EVERYTHING to fix the fatigue issues and nothing helps. The fact that I can sleep up to 14 hours straight and not even need to use the bathroom - should give you an idea just how difficult it is to deal with my fatigue issues.

It is beyond depression tiredness ad I've dealt with that since I was a teenager too.

The fatigue I'm dealing with, I physically can't do anything about it. No matter how much I try. It doesn't just get better.

james1 · ‎27-10-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I totally hear you on the fatigue issues and I wish there was some way to help fix it. It sounds incredibly debilitating. It's one of the reasons why I'm always so pleased to hear when you are able to cobble together a bit of time and effort to go outside - at least it is something different to change up the day.

How have you been this week? It's been an absolute nightmare of a week for me at work and I'm very keen to see the end of it!

James

Bbydoll · ‎13-11-2022

So I was completely off-line for about a week because my old phone finally completely stopped working. I went on a new phone plan with a tablet. But when I got home they hadn't set it up and so I couldn't access it at all. I also found out that I was due to have an inspection. So ended up pushing myself and making my auto immune illnesses worse. I even had a day of fevers. And spent the day curled up in bed feeling lousy as can be!!! I ended up going back to the phone company and had them do that but of course they don't do any other set ups like transferring my contacts on to my new sim card (same number). I sent my brother a message through messenger to send me a text on my number as I have a new phone and new sim card. I also put the message on my Facebook pages letting everyone know that I've finally got a new phone and let everyone know that I am still alive. Not that at it makes any difference-no one has bothered to respond to my request for them. Ironically enough the only person whose phone number I have are a neighbour's (because I bumped into her and explained what had happened) and my male friend (who had been helping me with paperwork and I had his number on paper).

I saw Callum Scott perform in Sydney on Friday night; as I won a double pass. But no one wanted to come along- so I went on my own. Got home at 2am because I had to wait over 30 minutes for my 4th train home!(2 each way). I spent most of Saturday sleeping and would have done the same today but a neighbour was blasting music. We have several neighbours at loggerheads at the moment. Causing the police to come because of them yelling and screaming at each other at all hours of the evening.

To make everything worse; I've been getting excruciating pain in my belly and think my crohns disease is flaring. I hope I'm wrong but the pain is so bad, I'm currently hugging a very hot heat pack.

Bob_22 · ‎14-11-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Great to hear from you and thanks for the update. Hope the new phone is working out for you. Sorry to hear that you've been spending alot of time sick in bed. I'm also sorry you didn't get any messages from your friends on facebook. I know that must feel very isolating.

However it is great that you are still getting out and went to see Callum Scott last week (I'm a fan). I hope the flare up in you auto immune disease improves shortly. Please keep us posted on how you are going and I hope you feel better soon.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎14-11-2022

Hi Bob, the best part of Callum Scott's concert was that he brought Delta Goodrem up on stage to sing you are the reason- there are recorded versions on YouTube. But I just decided to enjoy the moment and not record it, everyone in the room was singing along! It was a sold out event both that night and the following one. I was lucky to get a seat, as the downstairs part of the theatre was standing room only. And I can't stand for several hours any more due to chronic pain. I did do my hair and make up and dressed up. An older lady thought I looked to be in my mid 20s and not my mid 40s - so that boosted my ego a bit!!

I'm really feeling very unwell. Stayed in bed all day and only managed to eat some pretzels,and then ice cream. I'm just watching the late news at the moment but will being going to bed shortly with a heat pack and medications.

I'll be calling my gp tomorrow to try and get an appointment.

It's very disheartening not to hear from any of my friends or my brother - it shows that I'm not a priority in their lives at all. My brother still hasn't done anything for my birthday which was in May, all I wanted was to have a laid back lunch at their place. He and his wife have a an almost 3 year old child and a mortgage. Plus I'm not a fan of eating in restaurants as I have a long standing phobia of having people watching me eat.

I actually had a younger lady at the local pharmacy say to me that I needed to take up a hobby to meet some new people and make new friends and basically blast me because I don't have any reliable friendships etc and "you have to make yourself happy no one else" - I couldn't get a word in to try and explain that it's not that easy. I have chronic health issues and chronic pain issues (as well as mental health issues). I don't drive. I don't have money to spare and I'm battling fatigue alongside everything else. I also have to be very careful as I'm immune suppressed because of medications. All my life I've had health issues and people leaving despite my efforts to connect with them. They never bother asking me out or to their place or even to go to the movie or grab a coffee and a chat. Sometimes I think it's just better for me to be on my own.

Bob_22 · ‎16-11-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. I love delta, that sounds great!

I'm sorry you haven't heard from any friends or family and that you are still feeling unwell. I hope the GP appointment was ok and that you are on the mend. Also sorry you felt lectured to at the pharmacy, I know that can feel quite dismissive. But I hope you know that you're not alone and that we're here (bb counsellors included) if you want to reach out. 🙂

Bob

james1 · ‎17-11-2022

Hello Bbydoll,

Sorry I've been away. One of my animals died so I've just had to take time out for myself.

Sounds like the concert was really great, and it's nice to hear that you got to just enjoy it without doing the whole recording thing. That always bugs me, but I suppose I should just let people do what they want as long as it doesn't obstruct others. I imagine it was really nice to get that compliment too!

How are you feeling now? It sounded like the week started off tough.

James

Bbydoll · ‎21-11-2022

Hi Bob and James, tonight and the previous night I've been back to being cold to the bone despite it supposed to be 18*c here. My hands are like ice! I finally got a replacement electric blanket and will have to put it on my bed soon... because even with several layers on, I'm cold. It's probably good that I'm on my own because I would need a very tolerant guy if I was ever in a relationship! Still no word from any friends or family. The guy causing problems in our apartment building was slamming his front door around 9pm and swearing at some of the other neighbours- luckily he calmed down after that. He has schizophrenia and isn't taking his medication but he is drinking excessively and it's causing problems for him because he is causing major disruptions for everyone living here. I got messages to call the hospital for my iron infusion and my gallbladder surgery. I've missed calls because I have been sleeping a lot. And had my phone on silent. So they just ended up texting me. I'm hesitant a bit to have the surgery because I have been having issues with pain around my heart. I'm worried something else is wrong. My GP sent me for a chest xray and I haven't heard anything from him, so I assume it was OK. But he wants me to go to the local cardiac clinic at the hospital and then have a CT angiogram of my heart. Because of my physical pain, I can't do a stress test. I'm a bit scared of this; but more so of what they will find... because every time they do a test they find something else wrong with my body!!! And my mum passed away this year with a suspected massive heart attack. My dad had some heart issues as well. And I think that some heart issues are genetic!