I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bob_22 · ‎25-09-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for your reply and for keeping us updated. It certainly sounds frustrating having to deal with uncertainty around your surgery date. Especially for someone like me who gets absolutely stressed about surgeries. You sounds very strong and competent.

I'm sorry that you've had people dismissing you your whole life. The world sometimes isn't a fair place and unfortunately not everyone is given the same amount of family/friend support as others. However, this shouldn't be a reflection of yourself or your worth. Just because you don't have as many friends or family around you it doesn't mean you are lacking anything as you suggested in a previous post. It simply makes you stronger and means you have to dig a little deeper to find more meaningful support. Have your had a chat or are you scheduled to see your psychiatrist or psychologist soon?

Remember, if you ever need anyone to talk to you can also talk to a counsellor at Beyond blue at any time by clicking the "immediate support" button at the top right corner of this page. 💙

Bob

james1 · ‎26-09-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

My show will be on tomorrow night so I am going to see if I can get a hoodie tomorrow. But if they run out or I'm silly and forget, I will definitely check out that webstore you mentioned. Thanks for sharing it 🙂 Yeah I spent $349 for my first ticket, but could only afford the cheaper ones around $130 for this second show.

It might not mean much, but I care about what happens to you. I would be very sad if you died tomorrow, or even if you just got really sick tomorrow. And while I suspect that the care we could try to share here is nowhere near the same as the care you want from your male friend or family, I hope one day that might realign for you. It's so tough and often feels defeating to want care from people who aren't able to show it. I have not been in the exact same situation as you, but I've also wanted more support and care from people who just weren't forthcoming. It was tough and I never ended up being able to change them which was really disappointing. It led to me being hospitalised.

So I do hope we can help you find a way through, because I understand even to a small extent how hard it can be. I am also really biased from my own experience where my people never came through - perhaps that will be different for you, and I hope so. But whichever way that goes, there are people who care about you, even if it's not the people you really want to care.

James

Bbydoll · ‎28-09-2022

So about lunch time on Monday I sent my brother and male friend text messages again. My brother responded immediately. But no word from my friend. I explained that I was trying to contact him for his permission and address for forms in my upcoming surgery - incase anything went wrong and they had to make a medical decision. My brother would be the first person contacted. And my male friend would be the second person. It's the early hours of Wednesday and I'm not sleeping as my brain is stuck thinking about him. I am beyond frustrated by his lack of action. He has his own mental health issues and I understand that. It's just so hard because he is my closest friend... and if he can't fix my light bulb as mentioned to him in person almost 7 weeks ago - then I'll have to sit in the dark. But not hearing from him from the form information just plain hurts me. I only ask for his help because I have no one else to ask. And the worst part about the whole situation is that I don't think he has a clue about how much this is killing me inside. I have a doctors appointment with a specialist doctor in about 6 and bit hours.. so I'm not sure that I'm going to be getting any sleep tonight. I can sleep when I get home.

Bob_22 · ‎29-09-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry to hear your friend hasn't replied to yet. That must be frustrating with the surgery coming up. I hope your specialist appointment went okay and that you were able to get some sleep. Perhaps it might be best to give your friend a call to confirm whether he can be listed as an emergency contact? Otherwise, if you are unable to reach him it may be best to ask your brother if they know of anyone else? Take care and keep us updated.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎29-09-2022

Hi Bob and James, my male friend called me yesterday evening and we spoke for 30 minutes. He came over to help me with my light bulbs; but unfortunately it looks as though the wiring is faulty - I've had issues with other lights in my apartment with this. I also picked up a clothes airing rack. And he put it together but I didn't have a spanner; so he wants to come back next week to tighten up the casters on it. I'm so confused though because when we spoke on the phone last night he kept calling me a pet name that he and his partner have called each other on social media. (And it was several times. I didn't say anything about it as I was taken aback by it and didn't know how to respond. He knows that I have feelings for him. And I still haven't had a chance to reinforce the fact that I don't want to be someone's seconds. And if things were different we could explore this).

In the past he has called me darling; but I know that he calls others this - so it doesn't worry me. He couldn't stay too long as he has a meeting with another musical he is hoping to be in. We chatted a lot and I have told him about the way my family treat me and he was shocked as family has always been a big priority for him. He also knows that I don't have a lot of friends and I think he feels a bit sorry for me too. As he was leaving he said that he would try and come around more often. I said I only saw you once last year, and he responded I know. I made the effort to see him in a show. And I think he feels guilty about this. I think he's genuinely missed our connection because we both talk non stop when we are together. I know that I have missed it and him. I even told him in my text that I missed him and I suspect that might have been the catalyst for him coming over and finally responding to my texts.

Bob_22 · ‎30-09-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. It is great to hear that your friend finally touched base with you and came around. It sounds like your relationship is a strong protective factor and means a lot to you. Hopefully, as you mentioned, this will be the catalyst for him contacting you more often. Perhaps, if possible, you might explore meeting new friends through your current male friend? Perhaps through his musical group.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎30-09-2022

Hi Bob, unfortunately I won't be joining him doing his musicals as his partner doesn't like me - she knows that I have feelings for him. And we have a very obvious connection. I trust him more than I trust most people and am fairly certain that he has feelings for me to as he has kissed me a couple of times. I need to talk with him about this as I told him years ago that I don't want to be involved with someone who is already in a relationship. I wish things were different but I'm not going to put any pressure on him. I would rather have him in my life as a friend, than not at all. He means so much to me; and I doubt that he knows the true depth of my feelings for him.

Bob_22 · ‎30-09-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

That's a shame that you can't join his musical friends. I'm sorry about the nature of your relationship with him. It sounds like you are taking a very mature approach. Hope you are keeping well and have a good long weekend.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎03-10-2022

I spent most of Monday public holiday in bed due to physical pain. Between heatpacks and drinking extra fluid to try and flush out whatever was going on. I don't know what the cause was - but I very nearly ended up in the local hospital. I had dinner and was watching tv .. but even with extra layers on I've been cold. I've been blacking out once again in front of tv once again. It's so frustrating - I have had the blacking out for a number of years (pre covid). I don't touch alcohol or drugs - so it's not that either. It's my useless immune system. I'm so frustrated - every day there's something that holds me back. Year after year it's the same thing. I never get ahead in my life. Have failed relationships; friendships, career paths and jobs. Because I'm on the dsp, I can only earn $80 a week before it impacts my payments. But I'm not qualified for anything; as I've never completed any courses and never held a job longer than a few weeks. I'm a failure in e every part of my life. And if it's not my health that ruins things than I do.

james1 · ‎04-10-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I'm glad you got the chance to speak and see your friend, even if just briefly. Hopefully you'll see him a bit more often this year, as it's such an important connection point for you. I'm also really glad to hear you were able to speak your mind a bit as you've been really struggling with the silence from him, and it's so important that your thoughts be heard. How are you feeling about it now?

It sounds like you had a really terrible day yesterday. That really sucks. As you say, your health is really holding you back from achieving all the things you clearly want to achieve, and I hear how frustrating and exhausting that is. I only hope you do not blame yourself too much, even though I understand you feel like you are a failure. I don't think that's a failing at all. It's really tough when things don't go our way, and you've had a really bad run with your health. Sometimes, all you can do is just get through to the next day, however we do that. With any luck the next day is a bit better and reminds us about what kinds of things we enjoy in life and hope to be able to do.

I thought you might like to hear how my last show went. I went to Phantom again last Tuesday and it was really good, even though I sat further back. But I had to go pee during and got caught in a 15 min lock out! So I missed the "notes" song which I love because this show does it in such a funny way 😞 Oh well.

James