I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

I am really sorry it's taken me a couple of weeks to respond. It's been a pretty exhausting in my own life and I wanted to make sure I could read your posts properly so I could give you a good response.

There's been so much going on and I am glad to hear you are still trying to sort out this dental issue and trying to put your own mental health first. It's been really hard, but I can absolutely hear that you want the respect and love you deserve from your family. I'm really sad to hear how they treat you because it sounds like the exact opposite of what they should be doing. I only hope that you will be able to find other people who understand you better and are more willing to give you time and care. If I remember right, you had given some support groups a go online, and didn't find them super helpful. Hopefully you can come across one that's more helpful, perhaps even close by in person. Having people believe in us, and care for us, can make such a big difference. 

I went to Phantom in the Opera House last Wednesday. You're in for a treat when you go. The chandelier is amazing, and the orchestra is really great too. What did you want to tell your Aunt in terms of going again?

James

[Bbydoll]

I got to bed at midnight on Sunday slept to about 9am woke up with horrific stomach pain. Went to the bathroom and took some meds to help. And went back to bed with a heatpack on my belly. Woke up because I got a text at 5pm saying that I was almost over my data limit because my phone company is screwing me over. Got out of bed and went to the bathroom. (So slept 17 hours). Then ate 4 bedrolls with butter. Drank 1.5 litre bottle of sugar free lemonade. Then had a (frozen) prawn soup with noodles.

A few hours later a whole box  (9) of pork buns. 

All whilst watching TV and mindlessly being on my phone. Again tonight nothing from my male friend - almost 4 weeks since I asked in person to help me out. A week since my last text message I sent him. Nothing from my ex shrink who is supposed to be helping me move all my donations this week. She knows I'll be away all day Wednesday and some of Thursday morning. 

I'm starting to strongly hate myself and my support team of people that are supposed to care about me isn't really helping the situation.

[Bbydoll]

Hi James, my post below was typed up before your post - so I'm now replying to this one. I'm going to the matinee show on Wednesday  - and from all reports from an online fan club there's been nothing but good reports also. So I can't wait! I already have my phantom hoodie from the waterfront shows. .. maybe I should wear that. I've seen a couple of shots of the chandelier already - so hope I'm near it. I'm about 4 rows from the stage I think. 

I was trying to explain to my aunt;  that different versions of the show - have different cast/crew/sets/chandeliers/props etc they're all different and I personally think the best musical of all time. She was very standoffish - it was like we've already done that. And she didn't really want to talk about it further. I had asked her out to see moulin Rouge through her husband and he said that they had plans already. But she told me that same day at the wake she didn't want to have to drive late at night. Either way she didn't want to go -so she could have just said that. I hate that people lie to me, thinking that if they tell the truth it would hurt me. But this hurts more than that.

[Bbydoll]

So I went and saw phantom today. Pretty epic. The chandelier was to the right of me. I was in the 4th row; dead centre. The weather was a gorgeous spring day too. I even got dressed up and did my hair.

Unfortunately the opera house only takes card not cash now. And there was no mention of this prior. So I missed out on getting a program and couldn't buy anything to eat or drink. So I ended up eating at McDonald's afterwards because I hadn't eaten all day at 4pm. Then caught my 2 trains home. And walked through the door at 630pm - such a long day. I was nodding off on the way home as I didn't get much sleep last night  - I was up reading my old posts and of course had been binge eating all day. 

Tomorrow I have to see a different doctor to get meds thanks to red tape. Then have to make another trip to the post office because they didn't deliver AGAIN. It's a small parcel, so they don't bother getting out of the truck to do it. It's easier and quicker for them to take it to the post office. But it's just another thing I have to do. I ended up texting my ex shrink and she's finally said that she'd help me drop off all the donations and of course it's supposed to rain. I wish I could have one area of my life just work a biy easier and then I wouldn't struggle as much. Next week I'm getting a hair cut in preparation for my surgery. Doing as much as I can before I am booked in. Because I haven't stuck with the diet. So they will probably do a bigger cut and that means a week in hospital and a lot longer recovery period with no extra help here. So might as well just get everything ready.

[james1]

Oh nice! We were sitting about the 8th row, slightly to the right. Expensive as heck, but shows are usually the absolute highlight of my week so I don't mind spending extra. I'm actually going to go see it again at the end of the month with another friend, but near the back this time. I really wish I got a hoodie from the waterfront ones, but I don't think I saw the merchandise shop. I have two Hamilton hoodies though. I'm glad you got the chance to dress up and do your hair. 

It sounds like your aunt wasn't a very generous conversationalist. I find it very frustrating when people don't engage in topics that we are clearly invested it. I get it, not everybody likes the same thing. But if someone loves something, it doesn't seem like a big ask to just give them that space and time. I mean, it would even be fine if someone said to me, "hey i don't like musicals, but I'm really glad you seem to really love them". At least that would be both honest and accepting. Anyway, I did not mean to rant, but it just sounds so frustrating having to deal with people who are supposed to care about you, but just aren't helping or even being friendly or honest.

Good to hear you are trying to get everything ready. It sucks that not everything lined up, but I'm sure the doctors will be able to do what they need to anyway. When is your surgery anyway?

James

[Bbydoll]

Hi James, I'm still waiting on a date for my surgery. And they said that because we have a public holiday next week that the surgeon's weren't happy about this because it means everything is pushed back further. I haven't heard anything from my male friend - so he is either in rehearsals, dealing with something else or avoiding me! I did make a rather suggestive joke. The last time I saw him - so of course I am over thinking about the whole situation.

My eating is out of control and I have pretty much given up on the diet and will just stick to low fat frozen meals. Or simple  protein and vegetables for dinner. And instead of eating large packets of chips - I'm going to swap over to flavoured rice crisp things. Still get my salty and crunchy hit - but a lot less fat. I still haven't done anything about my teeth and that stresses me out more. I had photos taken today but my teeth looked so yellow  - I was disgusted! 

If you are still after a hoodie you can order phantom merchandise from the company who is producing it.

phantom dot playbill dot com dot au

And hoodies are on there! 

You're so lucky to see it again. There are a few tickets that have become available - but I can't afford  $349 right now which is a shame as I'd go again in a heartbeat. Have a blast!!!! And make sure you get a photo with the prop boat in the bar area! 

[Bbydoll]

Well yesterday I had a fasting blood test. Cholesterol and glucose and a heap of other things - as I told my GP that I had been binge eating and also still suffering from having chills, it's not covid related as I have had these for a number of years. My eating was bad the past 2 days just eating junk. Tonight I made myself a cheats version of a wonton combination soup. With premade soup base and frozen veggies/prawns/wontons and some precooked chicken. But I added soba noodles to it as well. And some fresh spring onions on top. 

Plenty of leftovers for the next few days. 

I honestly think that if I died tomorrow - no one would give a damn. I still haven't heard anything from my male friend. I texted him yesterday and asked him to call me when he can. And nothing. This Saturday it will be 6 weeks since I saw him and of course he still hasn't helped me fix my light bulbs. Two days ago I asked my brother to text me his address -

because I am trying to organize paperwork for my surgery in case anything happens to me, it gives the hospital, and my brother my wishes as to furthering my treatments. I also want to include my male friend and as my second contact incase the hospital can't get a hold of my brother.  These are supposed to be the closest people in my life and they can't even return a text!!!!! 

It's like I don't exist at all. I know that I have said this before but it is still the same. My brother still hasn't done anything for my birthday - there is always an excuse. Usually his daughter. But I'm not asking for anything major - it was supposed to be just lunch. I don't care that I don't get a present or anything because that hasn't happened either. It's been almost 4 months - so I'm sure that I won't be getting a present for it. He knows full well that I don't speak to my extended family very much - so I didn't get anything from them either. I had 1 friend interstate send me some goodies but that was it. Nobody else bothered. And the only reason I got any birthday messages on my Facebook page was because I mentioned it on there.  One of my high school friends has the same day  (I'm a year older) of course got a heap of messages.  

[Bbydoll]

Tomorrow its about 6 weeks since I spoke face to face with my male friend. And it's almost a week since I have asked him to call me - no text. No call nothing. It's been almost a week since I texted my brother and asked him to text me his home address for paperwork for my hospital administration and he knew that I was doing this paperwork as his wife had printed off copies of this form and dropped it to my place last weekend.

My best friend on the other side of the world is struggling with her own depression and I'm of no comfort because no one is helping me out. No one here could care less about me

[Bob_22]

Hi Bbydoll,

Sorry to chime into this thread. Was just having a read and I'm sorry that you've felt alone and very much looked past by your friends and family. I hope your surgery goes well and that you have a speedy recovery. When is it scheduled if you don't mind me asking?

Yes, sometimes it can be hard to connect with others, especially if we have our own mental health issues which makes it difficult to connect but also enjoy others' company. It also sounds like your limited friends and family have overlooked you a bit and been committed more to other things which is a shame. I hope however you feel a bit more supported online and here on the forums. I found when I was in the midst of depression, I definitely felt very isolated even if I had a lot support around me - unfortunately it is just the nature of the illness. Slowly however, as the cloud lifted, I found it easier to be in my own company and didn't feel as alone anymore (despite not much changing socially). I hope this is the case for you too. 

Please keep us updated and remember to reach out whenever you need. 💙

Bob

[Bbydoll]

Hi Bob, I've been waiting for this surgery all year. And did pre admission tests a few weeks ago and had ask them to schedule it after the 12th of this month due to other doctor appointments I had at the beginning of the month. I still haven't heard anything from the hospital in regards to a date for my surgery yet.

As to my friends and family - this is what I have had to deal with all my life. All my life I've had health issues and all my life I've struggled to keep people in it. People  (including family) have used and/or abused me and left. I'm never good enough, pretty enough or I'm too much and they just don't want to deal with me. Either way. People just give up on me and leave. No matter what I do or say. It doesn't matter. They always leave.