I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Bbydoll]

Hi James, I don't think my male friend knows the difficulties I face with how I feel. He has known for a couple of years,  that I have feelings for him. But he doesn't know how deep they run. I just have more questions than anything I guess about the situation and what it means for us;  because it is not the first time he's tried to kiss me. I told him years ago that I didn't want to be anyone's seconds.

1. I still have a long way to go with the cleaning (I'm also decluttering as I go). As I don't know how I'll cope after my surgery. I have way too much stuff. 

Well my burner is an (essential) oil burner and humidifier in one! I'll be setting it up as soon as my bedroom has been finished. The oil smells great though. It permeated through my bag from carrying it home!

[Bbydoll]

It's now Wednesday night and no word from my male friend. I know he has ADHD and can get sidetracked but I did send him a text on Monday morning explaining what I needed his help with, so that he could have enough time and so that we could get to the shop in time for replacement bulbs etc. I have a funeral to go to on Friday for my uncle who passed earlier this month. So I won't be available that afternoon. And it's automatically assumed that he will do it after work. He finishes at 3pm. I ate a large packet of chips yesterday and a small chocolate bar. And tonight I wanted Chinese food as I was so cold, and wanted something to warm me up...  tried 3 times to order online it didn't work. Long story short. I ended up eating a large pizza and 4 churros. I'm feeling lousy physically and mentally. I've been obsessively thinking about him and it's driving me crazy. And my best friend overseas I'm sure is sick of hearing me talk about it. I can't seem to stop binge eating or thinking about him and I got nothing done today. My place is still disorganized and in chaos and I have lots to do.

[Bbydoll]

So I went to the funeral. 2 trains, over an hour on travel and then my uncle drove me the rest of the way. Because of my chronic pain and fatigue - I can't stand for long periods of time in one spot. So this meant that I was ignored for most of the time. A couple of relatives, came over said hello and went over to the groups of people. It's like they have their own cliques and I'm not a part of them. Or like I'm invisible. My uncle even palmed me off to another couple to have them drive me to a train station - so that he could stay and talk to the remaining family and friends. So I then caught 2 more trains home alone.  I'm so tired of fighting my body and feeling so out of place in my life. And the only thing I really wanted tonight was for my male friend to hold me. He is the only one physically in my life that fully understands me. 

Not surprisingly I ate finger food and whatever was setved there. But I also bought a small chocolate bar and large packet of chips and have eaten all of it since I got home. I also haven't stopped crying for feeling so out of place with the very people who are supposed to love and support me.

[Bbydoll]

Tonight's binge eating was a container of  iced doughnuts - which I didn't enjoy. And I have eaten most of the party sized bag of chips, which aren't as tasty as they usually are. I've spent the rest of the money on junk food and some pasta and cheese. I was supposed to be getting replacement bulbs - but still haven't heard anything from my male friend. So I won't be able to pay for it until next pay on Thursday. I have a massive headache right now as well. Not surprisingly really. I sent off a message to my best friend overseas about dealing with my extended family and she never responded to it. She's doing that a lot. It doesn't help my anxiety issues but I have no one else I can talk about it with. I'll probably tell my male friend as well but it's been almost 2 weeks since he was supposed to help me get replacement bulbs. And I'd asked him months beforehand but it went on deaf ears because he was busy with rehearsals. And now I wait and wait and wait. He rarely responds to texts but I send them anyway. He rarely takes my phone calls - so I don't bother unless it's something serious that I need to take care of. I just wish I knew why my extended family hate me so much? I made the effort on Friday to show my respect for them and my uncle's passing - only to be left sitting on my own. I have nothing in common with any of them. I don't work; I don't have a partner and I don't have kids. Everyone else has most, if not all; of these things. I guess they're sick of me talking about my health issues but that's what I face  every day and even when I try and talk about other things they shut me down - and I hate that. It definitely feels like they don't care. I tried  telling one of my Aunts about  seeing Phantom of the opera next month at the opera house in Sydney - and she was like oh we already did that  (her and her husband had seen it in the 90s). I tried explaining why I was going to see it again - but she didn't really want to hear my explanations etc. I was struggling so much with my fatigue so probably didn't look too happy - but I wasn't happy because I was being completely ignored and the only real thought I had was why am I here, if I'm being ignored????

[Bbydoll]

So my exshrink finally texted me at 1am this morning after radio silence for 10 days. She got a viral infection  (not covid), and is going to be helping me out with my donations next week. Tomorrow is Thursday and on Saturday it will be 3 weeks since I spoke to my male friend about helping me out with the changing of light bulbs etc. No text, no phone calls - absolutely nothing and the last text I sent him was on Monday. 

I've got a third tooth that needs work on it. So I have no idea how I'm going to be able to get it fixed when I have $270 a week to live off and $4000 plus however much this tooth is going to cost. .. 

I also need a new vacuum cleaner as mine is being held together by electrical tape and the filter has disintegrated. 

I have no idea how I'm supposed to survive like this. There is no hope. I can't hold down a job to get extra money to afford these things. And even if I could - I'm not qualified for anything. Every time I've tried to complete a course my health has gone backwards even more so than usual. I got fired from the only job I ever had - basically I was still in training and was told if we couldn't work - we had to call them and let them know. I had a massive argument with my mum (I still lived at home and told her that I needed to call them and let them know that I couldn't work). She made me go down and tell them in person and I was fired on the spot. She even tried speaking to the manager but it was all too late. That was easily over twenty years ago. 

I have no savings otherwise I would use that. My brother won't help me out - he still hasn't done anything for my birthday and that was 3 months ago. I am so physicall, emotionally, mentally tired of struggling with every aspect of my life 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Bbydoll
 
Thank you for sharing your experience and we can see so far that the demands of life have been taking its toll on you this week!
                                                                                                                
Sometimes it really does feel like it’s one thing after another; and with that comes very little reprieve.  While we are happy that you feel safe to reach out on the forums we just wanted to remind you that if you ever feel you need to talk this through, please remember we are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat. 
 
Thanks again for posting and remember to take care of you; it’s the one thing that we do have control over in all the chaos! 
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[Bbydoll]

Thank you Sophie. The hits just keep on coming. I found a dental clinic that does a cleaning and xrays for $99 but it would take me over an hour to get to one of their clinics. I tried downloading their app but it said that my phone isn't compatible with it. So I tried to talk to their help chat thing on their page and all she said was that it just means  you need to update your phone. But my phone is basically obsolete now and I'm waiting on a phone from my brother who haa stopped communicating with me. And I can't even get the booking for a cheaper appointment to have this third tooth looked at. And I'm sitting on my bed sobbing because I can't even get that right. I ate a whole cake earlier because I am so stressed out right now. It was after an appointment with the pain clinic. They want me to do a course on living with chronic pain - but I can't sign up until after I have my gallbladder surgery. Which is fine. But they run this month, October and November and nothing until February next year. I don't think that my friend will show up today as I still haven't heard anything from him. And I've already had a shower and changed into my pyjamas because I am done for today.  And it's not even 4pm yet.

[Bbydoll]

So my brother and sister in law finally dropped off their old tv and by that I mean it's a 3D/smart tv. Because this tv didn't fit their living room wall.. there's nothing wrong with it. It works fine. It was my Christmas present from last year... they updated this tv for one that fits better for them. They weren't here very long as they had their daughter with them. He gave me a replacement phone that's a Chinese brand but I can't even figure out how to turn it on. He was flicking through it whilst he was here but didn't even switch my old phone over to the replacement one and I don't know how to do it. He basically said oh just take it to a phone shop. It should take your sim card as it's bought outright. He knows full well I'm hopeless with ANY type of technology.  But once again this is the kind of treatment I get from him; even if they didn't have their daughter with them, it would be the same. He said that once I have my surgery date, they will try and organize to do lunch "or something". And I won't hold my breath for it. As its been over 3 months since my birthday and nothing was done. And almost 9 months for me to get their tv. 

[Bbydoll]

Spent most of last night cutting up old xrays as part of my decluttering. I have had no sleep and from about 730pm last night to 630am I have also managed to eat an entire block of chocolate, 2 bags of 170g pack chips, I Ice cream and some gatorade as I haven't been drinking enough water. Apparently my binge eating is worse when I'm stressed. I don't even care that I'll be having my surgery and that I'll probably have a big cut because I can't stay on the low fat low carb diet. 

I'm worried about paying for my teeth. I will have to reach out to my uncle and see what he can do to help. I also have some handbags and jewelry that I could sell and maybe raise about $1500 if I'm lucky. I have 11 bags (woolies shopping bags full of clothes and odds and ends plus 4 pictures to be donated to salvos as soon as my exshrink can take me!).

I'm having some shopping delivered this afternoon. A few frozen meals for after the surgery plus I'm starting to stock up on laundry supplies and anything else that has a shelf life.

[Bbydoll]

So I sat up on Saturday night cutting up old xrays. Today I went through bags of random papers sorting for shredding/reading/throwing out. Filled a large garbage bag full of the xrays and paper rubbish each. Good thing we have big skip bins for general household rubbish here! I blacked out tonight about 9pm and woke up startled from a text message from my brother who was replying to my afternoon text that I'd sent him. The past few hours I've been listening to my favourite music and I just can't stop crying because I'm so tired of struggling with everything. My eating was still bad today. Ate 1 single serve of premade pavlova, the remaining 3 ice creams, dinner was 2 rolls with a veggie pattie and tomato sauce and a box of salt and vinegar rice chips (supposed to serve 4!). I'm going to try and get some sleep.