Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello Jumpy Jellyfish :],

first and foremost, well done for telling your psychologist everything that has been affecting you recently. That is a the first step to moving forward. Recognising.
Genuinely proud of you for doing that.

As we have been speaking I have noticed you are very insightful and you seem very level headed. I just want to tell you that even though I don’t know you personally that I really think you are a great individual and you are DEFINITELY NOT worthless. I know, it is easy for me to say that you but I know where you are coming from. I read a quote somewhere saying ‘Some of you don’t realise how worthy and amazing you are.’ And there was another one I really liked that was along the lines of ; ‘Imagine being treated all your life that you don’t matter.. when in reality you are more worthy than anyone or those bad thoughts inside your head.’

I also read that you feel ‘selfish’ if you put yourself first. Let me say, sometimes in fact a lot of the time we just need to look after ourselves.
Saying ‘no’ to a friend who wants to catch up for a coffee when you feel mentally drained and exhausted definitely does not make you at all selfish. Empaths and people who view the world differently need to recharge their energy by being alone. I find that most times after being with a lot of people or catching up with too many friends at social gathering all at once can be so overwhelmingly draining. You are far from selfish. Let me ask you, do you have any hobbies or things that bring some joy into your world?

I like our chats on here!
please stay strong,

PF xx

[PsychedelicFur]

The quote was meant to say ‘More worthy than any of those who have treated you horribly.’

[jumpyjellyfish-]

i genuinely dont know what the point of my life is and feel like i would be better off dead. im not even feeling really distressed just numb but i dont see the point. i surely am just a burden and i have no purpose. im safe but i just dont know where the hope has gone. theres feeling hopeless and then theres actually being hopeless and well, im both so. yeah.... i feel like this is my real voice talking calmly stating that i dont want to be alive and i dont care about my life but maybe im stuck in feeling depressed but i cant make myself believe its just a thought it feels true - true that i dont mean anything.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy_jellyfish,

Thank you for confirming your safety with us. We really appreciate this here on the forums. However, it does sound like you are struggling with feelings of hopelessness and numbness which is concerning. Please know that with time and the right support, things can always improve.

Something that may help is to practice gratitude. The more we practice, the more grateful we may become. This can be done in a few moments each day - you might like to write it down. Without invalidating what you are experiencing, can you find a few things that you are grateful for? If you’re struggling to think of anything, it may help to start with basic things such as your computer, your favourite band, a parent, or your comfy bed.

Do remember that you can also contact Kids Helpline or  Headspace for support whenever you need it.

This community is here to support you through these difficult feelings. We hope that this of some comfort to you on tough nights like this one.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

im grateful for a lot of things that i don't think i deserve Sophie_M... I just sometimes find myself trying to believe that people don't care about me and it makes it hard for me to feel grateful because I feel bad that I'm burdening them. I am eternally grateful for friends and family though...

I just feel really alone though. I've tried connecting on webchat cus I really need to talk and I can't call late at night because my family will hear me. I've been really out of luck though. I can never get through on KHL webchat cus recently i've waited for hours in the queue anytime past 8pm and not gotten through. I tried lifeline and it said it was ‘too late’ even though it wasn't even 11pm. I tried beyond blue a couple times but the chat didnt work and it said the server wasn’t working. I've already chatted with eheadspace recently and they ask you to keep at least 1 week between chats. im 14 and you have to be at least 15 to use the suicide call back service, conveniently. I feel bad for complaining but where do i even go anymore.

[tranzcrybe]

Hey Jumpy,

Glad you keep in touch, and I hear how low you are feeling right now. I agree, it sounds implausible to have support 'limited' to certain hours (or age groups!) and I'm sorry you can't feel like you can talk to your family whenever you are in distress. Trying to keep yourself upbeat can be draining and sometimes it's healthy to just slump for awhile - relax and release those negative thoughts. Am I correct to assume your thoughts are of your own making, or are there events in your life that foster and encourage them?

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish,

It's good to hear that you have such wonderful family and friends. We're sorry that you sometimes feel like a burden to them - please know that you are valuable and worthy of love and support. 

You don't have to feel bad for complaining. It must be difficult to have to wait when you are in need of support. It’s worth trying again, as the amount of people waiting will be different on different nights. The phone services for Lifeline, KHL, and Beyond Blue Support Service are also 24/7.
 
Additionally, ReachOut Australia have online forums specifically for young people if you are interested- https://au.reachout.com/forums

We hope that this community helps you to feel a little less alone. 
 

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I wish I was there sitting right beside you as you face the most challenging time of your life to date. While the forums here offer so much, there is nothing quite like talking things out in person in order to make sense of them.

I hope you don't mind me addressing one of your most recent posts. I thought seeing it reminds me of my thoughts when I was in my own depression, I was wishing to add a perspective that comes more easily beyond depression. It can feel impossible to make sense of things while depression plays a part in how we think and feel our way through life.

No one has yet led me to see the point of life. What is the point? It can't possibly be to feel this way. I can't see the point in feeling numb. What purpose does this serve? My deep need to know why I'm here, what life is truly about and how I'm meant to live it seems too difficult for others to address easily. Why is it so difficult for them to give me simple answers? Why is no one leading me to feel full of hope? Why can't they do this? There is a deeper part of me that says 'I don't want to be living this life, I don't care about this life. What I do care about is finding people who can lead me to discover what life is truly about and what my purpose is. What I care about is feeling life through the kind of connections that tell me I'm alive'. These depressing thoughts that lead me to feel and believe I can't or won't find the meaning in anything or in myself feel so true at this point...until I'm able to reach the next point. My truth will be different, at the next point in my journey. Until then, this feels like the truth.

As I may have mentioned before...you are far more evolved than a lot of people around you, more so than you give yourself credit for. How many people do you know who seriously seek meaning in life? How many do you know who wish to feel life so deeply, in fulfilling ways? How many do you know who question so much, as much as you do? Here you are seeking, wishing and questioning so much, which makes you wiser than most.

It can be so deeply painful to wake up one day and find yourself to be a seeker and questioner among those who can't offer the kind of direction or answers you're looking for, straight away. This can feel lonely at times. It's far easier to be less conscious ('Ignorance is bliss'). From my experience, you can't go back to being less conscious especially when what you've begun searching for is greater meaning and purpose.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yeah exactly tranzcrybe, especially since particularly late at night (or i guess early morning) a lot of people find themselves in need of support and i know that there are hotlines available but sometimes calling isnt a possibility so it's just hard to understand. hopefully in the future there can be better access to support services cus its a pretty annoying thing and especially disheartening when you really need support...

and yeah my thoughts are somehow all whirred out of my own head. sure, there's stuff externally that makes things harder but its small stuff taken out of proportion by my thoughts so its more my thoughts affecting how i view things and taking things the wrong way i guess. theres some stuff like poor self esteem and intrusive thoughts thatve been with me for a while though but idk when i got to the point of having suicidal thoughts and self harming and that. i dont know what went wrong.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

therising, i definitely agree talking in person can mean a lot. thats why im so determined to try and open up and why i get so frustrated with myself when i cant. gotta keep trying though i guess...

i dont really know what to say, but that means a lot. i dont want to live with feelings like this, so i want to live with different feelings. feeling hope and optimism and motivation. to be honest at the moment, yeah it does still feel like its impossible. but i appreciate the perspective you offered because it makes me feel more open to the fact that there are other options than giving up to feel relief or better.

first day of school for term 2 today. wasnt looking forward to it but it wasnt that bad actually - surpassed my expectations. only one thing - i found myself actively thinking about every interaction i had and trying to seem the most 'normal' i could. i often get fearful of judgement but i dont usually overthink everything not am i that level of self conscious about the literal facial expression i make. like idk whats going on there