Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

We're really grateful that you decided to reach out to the community tonight to let us know how you're doing. We are so sorry to hear that you're struggling with these intense thoughts and feelings right now, and that you were unable to talk about the news about umpiring before the end of your session with the KHL counsellor. We can hear that this must have been really distressing for you, and we're so sorry to hear that it left you feeling abandoned. We hope that you feel less alone being able to open up about this to your friends here on the forums, and we are currently reaching out to you privately to check in with you and offer some extra support during this difficult time.

Please know that you extra support is always available, not only from the kind counsellors at Kids Helpline, but also our counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), and our friends Lifeline (13 11 14), who are available 24/7, as often as you need during overwhelming moments like these.

Please know that you are such a strong and important member of our wonderful community, and we are always here for you.

[tranzcrybe]

"i got a notification for umpiring saying that i had a game" - well someone believes you are worthy or you wouldn't have been notified. Can you have a meet up with the second umpire to find some common understanding for ground rules/advice?

"saying 'thats so stupid' about something my maths teacher was tryna show us" - love that! I'm sorry everyone else decided to go quiet, but I think it's great you voiced your opinion. The teacher's 'probing' may have only been a good opportunity for you to substantiate your view (a little confronting, but not provocative necessarily). I believe teachers welcome clear thinkers who challenge methods and try to clarify confusion or accept improvement if offered. If explaining yourself 'publicly' isn't your thing, you might raise your concerns at the end of a class to resolve (or apologise for) any differences. Questioning is a positive sign - never feel ashamed of having an opinion.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

You articulate well what sounds like some highly stressful situations. The new umpiring challenge sounds fearful, as does being answerable to the teacher who questioned you in class.

Regarding the umpiring gig, in all fairness they should give you some kind of induction into what will be a 1st time experience for you, under these circumstances. Is there someone who can do this? If you find the relevant person and ask them what is expected of you, they'll be able to give you the heads up. Personally, I too would fear going into this situation without a bit of education, a bit of a basic plan. Gaining a plan is how I'd manage.

The Math class situation is an interesting one. I do find portions of the education system to be a waste of students' time, so for there to appear to be a blatant and obvious waste of time this would feel intolerable. With students constantly trying to play catch up with work, wasting their time...well...that's stupid. I obviously don't have to tell you that. I imagine most in the class wanted to cheer you for voicing what they were thinking. While stressful, you gotta admit it was pretty heroic. Do you think it might have been the champion in you that spoke up? It's definitely interesting when we meet with certain aspects of our self for the 1st time. Sometimes it can leave us thinking 'Who the heck was that?!' Meet with that same aspect of self again and it can become 'Oh, I know that part of me, we've met before'. It can even get to the point where you search for that part of you to manage certain situations (the hero, the aspect of self that won't take grief from anyone). I imagined you were pretty shocked when your heroic intolerant self popped up.

The reason for me asking about the daydreaming involves developing the ability to use it in different ways at different times, kind of like a superpower. I do so wish we were taught how to use this superpower constructively as little kids. As you'd be well aware, there are different kinds of daydreaming

• 100% zoning out into not thinking becoming completely relaxed (off with the fairies)
• Daydreaming in your imagination, imagining the most amazing situation as well as imagining the worst
• Channeling inspiration. With this, you zone out while asking for a solution to a problem and, if all is working well, the solution naturally comes to you out of the blue, without you thinking it up. Eg: 'I don't know what to do'. What may come to you 'You need to ask for help'

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

The umpiring wasn't that bad (yellow card and all). one good thing...

that whole maths teacher situation... idek. doesnt really matter anymore but i mean i dont regret it tbh. i mean why should i he was showing us how to do something the 'wrong way' but didnt show us the 'right way'. like, what...?

speaking of which, almost all my teachers last week saw me get upset in class... idk i had a really rough week. school has felt really hard and i really havent wanted to go. still dont. had what i think was a panic attack on wednesday then stayed in the chaplaincy for that and my next class, and had to leave class twice on friday again for a bit cus i was upset...

idk its just really hard to not feel hopeless... just really been feeling it recently...

[Sophie_M]

Dear Jumpy Jellyfish,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

So glad you met with a sense of self who showed you that you do have the ability to co-umpire. Also glad you are quite happy with that sense of self who spoke up in class. It's actually my intolerant self who's managed to lead me to change my life for the better over the last couple of years. The people who've treated me questionably over the years now cop a serve of my intolerant self on occasion. I love her, this part of me.

Wondering if you can relate to the following: It's hard to meet with a hidden aspect of our self outside of a challenge. Within a challenge, we're often given no choice but to search for who we really are. I can easily imagine 2 aspects of you who are waiting to be developed in some way. One would be 'the wonderer', who wonders and wonders and wonders until you find the answers you're looking for. The wonderer is typically a researcher, always looking for a constructive outcome. The other aspect would be 'the sage', who naturally knows the answers. Most of us have a sage in us.

As mentioned, the sage is the aspect of self that may say 'You need help with this' or 'You can't do this on your own'. Wondering if you've heard the sage in you before but never recognised it. It may have been the sage who advised 'You need to speak to your mum about your anxiety' and that's what led you to further help (the therapist). Perhaps you even hear the sage in you on occasion while you're in class, 'You need to calm down. BREATHE!'. This is where the wonderer may come in, 'How do I calm down. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to breathe this hyperactivity out of my mind and body'. If you think of anxiety as hyper activity of the mind and body, you'll perhaps notice how the mind (the brain at work) processes faster or more intensely, the heart beats faster, the lungs work faster and so on. It's not just basic activity you're trying to manage it's hyper activity, too much activity.

Strange when you think about it but most of us aren't taught in life how to manage too much activity. With no solid management plan, we can be left feeling pretty helpless and out of control. So, how would you naturally go about managing too much activity? What comes to mind? You might have a few ideas come to mind. If so, jot them down. You might want to also take notice of what you're doing when you wonder about this. Are you breathing slower/deeper, humming, sighing (exhausting), stretching out your arms or tapping your fingers etc?

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I DID IT!!!

I told my psychologist about my disordered eating!

Really scared but relieved and proud of myself at the same time 🙂

Have to go to the GP tomorrow just for vitals check - anxious partly because of the repercussions if they are wacky but I guess I just have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

Also my psych said if I want I can keep talking to her but she wants me to see GP every week and dietician. Otherwise she said she could offer some people who specialise in ED treatment. She said that she had her suspicions though about something going on with my eating beforehand - I'm happy I was wrong there.

It's scary but one step at a time I guess.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

YOU ARE A LEGEND! Of course, you're also amazing. The reason I know you're amazing is because you've amazed me. I bet you've amazed your psychologist too. By the sound of it, you've even amazed yourself.

You're gradually coming to meet with your natural self, bit by bit. Your natural self is a legend, one who can co-umpire, speak up in class in the case of injustice, come on the forums here, speak openly to the psychologist and the list goes on. If someone had have said to you some months ago 'Your natural self can do all these amazing things...', I imagine you would have insisted this is just not true, there's no way, yet here you are 🙂

If you imagine yourself on the path of self discovery, your latest reveal to your psychologist has just fast tracked you, put you miles ahead. Soon you'll be meeting with a variety of guides such as a dietician, a GP and perhaps others. You'll be surrounded by guides who'll offer you what you once only dreamed of, effective self management. You'll be living the dream. Whenever I get my kids to channel a vision of the future they want, when they bring that vision into reality, I'll often say 'MAKING IT REAL' and then seal the deal with a high 5, in recognition of the achievement. It's always an achievement when we bring a vision into reality.

Can't help but wonder what the sage in you said, regarding you revealing your ED challenge to your psychologist. Could it have been something like 'Stop thinking about it and just say it'?

I can understand your fear when it comes to test results and such. If it helps, try looking at it as your guides having a baseline to work from. For example, if your B12 or iron levels are a little low, the GP might give you a quick fix to bring levels up, whereas the dietician may incorporate into your diet foods that are high in iron or B vitamins. What your tests reveal will help you all with an effective management plan.

Your psychologist definitely sounds intuitive. This is the best kind of therapist to have. Intuitive people are typically open minded and more about getting a feel for things. Wouldn't at all surprise me if you are also intuitive but simply haven't yet come to exercise this super natural ability of yours yet. The less you think, the more it ramps up, seeing intuition requires your ability to feel more and think less.

Could fear you think you feel, on this new part of your path, actually be courage beginning to ramp up. Tune into how courage feels.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

in terms of telling my psych i guess its because she had actually brought something up after talknig to me about some stuff because of what i said on my k10 about feeling worthless all the time and she asked me to go through my arvo to see where the feelings got worse and then i just figured 'nows my chance' because i already wanted to say something. surprised me how i could just talk about it after saying that. although its kinda either i talk about stuff but the odd block comes up especially when talking about food or how i talk to myself and i sorta freeze up then but

also kinda freaking out because my psychologist, despite saying she wanted to continue working with me said because of the physical risks and all that of my eating disorder she wants to refer me to somewhere that specialises in eating disorders which means most likely seeing a new psychologist, and then add on the dietician and a psychiatrist maybe, and gp..... its a lot to take in...

just feeling really overwhelmed tbh - had a fair few times past week or two where ive just emotionally been pretty all over the place because im really anxious and all this feeling of losing control because people now know about my eating disorder is making me even more secretive and scared. it makes me feel hopeless sometimes too because it just feels so impossible. idk its just really tough.

test results wise literally the only thing wrong was my iron. its really low though as in my ferritin level is 5 so no wonder ive been exhausted........ even then though my psych told me that was another reason to go see a gp who specialises in eating disorders etc. because there's other stuff that they wont pick up on with a normal blood test... yeah that didnt make me anxious at all................

its just a lot to feel and take in at once i guess...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I can understand your fear. I believe one of the challenges with fast tracking (when everything begins to speed up and include unfamiliar detours) involves feeling like things are kind of out of your control suddenly. Did you feel like you were more in control managing before this, even if that management was stressful and wasn't the most effective way to go? Does it feel like things are now largely out of your control due to a number of people being set up to take over managing your mental and physical health? Do you fear letting go of control and will do anything to stop this feeling including managing your own secrets, kind of like putting the brakes on here and there?

Not sure it will be of help but I'll share an experience I had a couple years ago:

I was sitting in my backyard meditating on inspiration, as I could feel myself becoming depressed again and was feeling so completely lost and hopeless. Suddenly, the words 'Let go' came to mind. I thought 'I can't let go. If I let go what will happen? If I let go, I'll be letting go of myself. If I let go of my self, what will I be left with?'. 'If you want to move on, you have to let go' came to mind. I was fearful. My self was like my security blanket in a way. Without this sense of self, I felt I would lose all sense of security. What came next was 'Trust'. I decided in that moment I could not do depression again, as it nearly took over me last time. So, I let go. Suddenly I found myself balling my eyes out for about 10 mins straight. I suppose you could say it kinda felt like i could leave my old self behind. It felt like grief, followed by relief. It's like I became a different person once I let go of the need to be in complete control. What in fact I was controlling were a lot of the things that were bringing me down. For example, without going into too much detail, I'd always tried to manage how my husband felt toward me. If he was annoyed with me, I'd try harder to please him so he wouldn't be so annoyed. Letting go of this need meant I no longer cared how he felt about me. What I did care about was how I felt about myself. I actually came to realise how depressing he could be at times. I began to express myself fearlessly. This new self, my natural self, was fearless and amazing. For me, meditating allows solutions to naturally come to mind.

I discovered letting go takes you somewhere you've never been before and that can be challenging and fearful but it can also prove liberating.

🙂