Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I've found self consciousness to definitely be a part of the journey but it's a kind of self consciousness with a twist.

If someone had said to me some years ago 'Do you know why you behave the way you do (regarding this and that)?', I would most likely have responded with 'I have no idea and it drives me crazy'. At some point, this response just didn't cut it anymore. I had to know why I thought and behaved the way I did.

Typically self consciousness is seen as a kind of 'personal paranoia', kind of like when you beat yourself up about what you're wearing or whether you fit in. The kind that I'm talking about goes deeper. It's not just about what you're wearing, it's about asking yourself why you chose to wear it. 'Is this the colour that leads me to feel most happy? Is this the style that leads me to make a statement as to who I really am or did I wear this to please others? Do I actually not feel like my true self when I wear this? Is it like I'm wearing a costume, playing a role?' My son is a shorts and t-shirt kind of guy. When we went to a wedding not too long ago, I said to him 'You know, as an adult, you still get to play dress-up. Just have a look around at all the females who look and feel like princess' and all the guys who look and perhaps feel a little James Bond-ish'.

That 'fitting in' aspect doesn't just stop with feeling like you do or you don't fit in. 'What am I trying to fit into? Are these my people/is this really my tribe or am I nothing like them? Why am I with them? What do they offer me? What do I offer them? What do we share?'

These are just a couple of examples of self consciousness. There can be a massive list.

Some say that you can tell that you've significantly progressed in life when 'the higher self suddenly becomes more conscious'. A part of you wakes up and has to know the reason for just about everything, analysing so much. This can get pretty mentally exhausting and emotional. Whether this is addressed in psychological or soulful terms, both tend to agree this is also when the battle between 2 minds comes about. One part of us can say 'I have to know the reason for why I feel the way I do', whereas another part of us may say 'Stop over analysing things'. The battle can drive you crazy.

The question becomes 'Do we truly want to find all the answers to our questions?' Believe me, it can take a heck of a long time doing this all on your own. Finding those who hold answers helps speed things up.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Imagine talking to lifeline because you're sick and tired of having suicidal thoughts every night and just want to talk somewhere... but they just question you when you say that a bunch of stuff is troubling you and making you feel hopeless... then as soon as you mention struggling with eating as one of the issues weighing on you they quiz you on it for over half an hour, making you feel like they aren't taking you seriously because you think that they think you're just some 'self conscious teenage girl' - i refer to purely the 'self consciousness of appearance' although i can really get what you mean about its much more than just that, but it was the stigmatized ideology of teenage girls.... Then they finally ask you 'does feeling this alone make you feel suicidal' and you say 'yes but im not going to act on the thoughts' cause you're scared of just saying you feel suicidal because it sounds 'worse' but you're screaming in your head 'OF COURSE IT DOES THAT'S WHY I CONNECTED HERE I THOUGHT YOU CARED' and they say 'what do you think would be most helpful tonight' and you say 'I dont really know I just need someone to talk to...' but they just tell you that you need to finish up soon and send you a bunch of ED links when all you wanted, all you needed was to talk about how hopeless and alone you feel. Couldn't have happened to me right? I wish... that left me feeling worse to be honest.

To be clear I'm safe... it's just that I'm pretty sick of every single damn night, whether it be that im feeling really anxious, low, upset- whatever it is- i always end up feeling like my life is pointless and being overwhelmed and not knowing what to do. how do i manage when its the same cycle every day and night? how do you 'fix' a broken mind. its a hamster wheel and i cant get off it.

On a better side note I guess... tbh i feel bad about burdening people and complaining so i feel like i have to say 'good stuff'- I've been less inclined to self harm (yay i suppose... im pretty self sabotaging so lowkey feel i deserved it) mostly though cus well what I thought wouldn't leave scars... did. I'm really annoyed at myself now and worried about people seeing them in the future... and like they aren't particularly obvious to an ordinary person but I'm worried about when I go to go swimming with friends and that... I think they might see and know what they're from... maybe not they again, arent very bad. hopefully i can stay away from it. that would be one thing not to mess up on.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

We're so sorry to hear of your bad experience with LifeLine. It sounds as though it was a fairly unsupportive and unempathetic call. This is very disheartening and we acknowledge that at times all we need is for someone to listen. Hopefully, a few of our community members can pop by and offer their words of support!
 

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yep...

A part of me is frustrated, another feels like I'm 'just being dramatic'. What if there's nothing wrong and I'm just complaining over nothing? It makes sense that they wouldn't care doesn't it? What if I deserve that anyways?

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy,

Make a list in 3 columns:

1. Everything which you feel is 'wrong' with you - be brutally honest and leave nothing out;
2. All the things that are 'right' with you - that can be tricky with your current mindset, but see yourself through the eyes of a complete stranger just through face to face conversation;
3. Now add this column for the things you want to be right for you - describe your ideal self, character, humour, intelligence, and everything that would bring happiness into your life.

Review your list:

The first column represents your perception;

the second, your attributes;

and the third, your aspirations.

Perception is inherently false (even for those with inflated views on their social status) as it is determined on circumstance and consensus of behaviour; ie, it has no consistency on which to build identity. For instance, I may be popular in town X, but berated in town Y, despite having the same opinions/views. The things you honestly like about yourself are not contingent on the attitudes of others or even the expectations of society as a whole - this can be liberating to acknowledge the separation of such dependency. Your aspirations are goal oriented (and malleable) driven by reaching out to experience what life has to offer - a sort of sampling to find what suits you.

If you dwell on the first point, and the second to some extent, you may find yourself being dragged down by (artificial) feelings of worthlessness. Endeavouring to accept the reality of who you are now (the 'right' things) without critical judgment, can propel you on to the third point.

Perhaps think of it like riding a bicycle:

1. is trying to ride it backwards;

2. is sitting on it but going nowhere;

3. is pedaling and feeling the wind in your hair.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I honestly don't believe you're being dramatic. I recall my early years in my lead up to depression, when I was trying to make sense of why I was thinking and feeling the way I was. I do recall thinking 'I'm just being dramatic. Other people have it worse. I have nothing obvious to feel upset about'. Back then, I never knew about the impact of chemistry on the mind and body. I never knew about what forms perception/the influences that mentally condition or shape us. All the things I've come to research after coming out of my depression are things I wish I'd known while I was in it. If I'd known, I don't think I would have been so hard on myself and I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did. How I was feeling and seeing life would have made a lot more sense to me. Here you are, trying to make sense of it all, at this point. I wish I'd been as aware as you are, in trying to find answers and make a difference.

Night time is definitely a tough time when you're depressed. It's when everything's at it quietest, so much so that you can hear your own thoughts clearly. If those thoughts are deeply challenging or upsetting it's definitely depressing. Myself, I get up every morning at around 4 because it's when I can hear my thoughts clearly. I sit outside on my laptop sipping coffee, with no people, traffic, lawnmowers etc drowning out my thoughts. What thoughts we're meditating on, without distraction, can impact us in significant ways. While some may say to someone in their depression 'Just stop meditating on those thoughts', as you would know, it's simply not that easy. We humans are generally natural problem solvers, therefore we will meditate on a problem until we find the solution. The down side of this can involve there being no obvious solution at times, so we're left focusing on the problem/s alone. This can feel hopeless and depressing, that's for sure.

Before I forget, try the chemist for scar fading cream. They do sell this stuff for various reasons. If the staff there ask what it's for, simply say 'To help fade scars'. It's none of their business.

Everything we do we do for a reason. 'The self conscious girl with body issues' would have to be the most obvious reason for eating disorder. Some folk will simply go for the most obvious reason, until you can change their mind. If they're open minded, they'll begin to wonder about other reasons. Finding reasonable people can be a major challenge, slowing down our progress.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

haven't been here for a while cus I don't really know how or what to say... I dunno.

tranzcrybe I tried what you suggested though a few days ago... funny how different the lengths of the columns were between the different categories but.

thanks therising... its hard to feel like I'm not being dramatic so it's nice to have someone day otherwise...

saw psychologist today finally after 3 weeks... mum came into session which I found really difficult and my psych recognised because I kept freezing up. it was like as hard as I would try to open my mouth and speak no sound would come out...

social anxiety wise in general also I've been really struggling... I feel really scared to go to school tomorrow... for some reason my anxiety had really flared up... I feel sick and my head is pounding and I just don't know what to do...

have been talking to khl counsellor a lot recently... last night I started having what I think was a panic attack because I was freaking out over the idea of telling my pysch stuff... which I didn't even tell her so...

I dunno I just feel really anxious and it's gotten really bad the past few days and I don't really know why but it's just really hard to cope with and it feels so isolating...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

If I was to ask you whether you can feel whether you're in the middle of an intense challenge at times, I imagine you'd say 'Yes', given what you feel (the effects of anxiety). If I was to also ask you whether you've found anyone to help you better manage those challenges, mentally and physically, I imagine you might say something like 'Not in any significant way'.

I'll offer a different take on what most people refer to as 'negative' emotions. Whether it's anger, intolerance, anxiety/fear, deep sadness or depression, all these emotions or states tell me I'm entering into or am already in a challenge of some nature. I need to work out what that challenge is really about. So, you could say the 'negative' emotions are 'telling' emotions. They're trying to tell you something significant.

Anxiety can be very telling. When I experienced anxiety in the past for a period of time, I look back and realise what it was telling me:

• I was in my head way too much, mentally processing things, including my fears. I was meditating on my thoughts too much to the point where they were overwhelming me and ramping up a lot of the systems in my physical body (I could feel what my thoughts were doing to me)
• I was facing the impact of not managing my time effectively
• I hadn't yet found constructive ways in which to mange my environment and the people around me
• I wasn't breathing well. A lot of shallow breathing, which we're actually not designed to do on a regular basis, so they say

It wasn't until I had what you could call a mini breakdown that I actually realised what anxiety was trying to tell me.

May sound like a strange question but do you know what anxiety is telling you at different times, when you experience it? What do you fear when it comes to telling your psyche stuff? What do you really fear? Do you fear she might think less of you or that she might think your trials/challenges aren't significant enough, to warrant you being there? Some folk don't like to reveal too much about themself to their therapist for fear of being seen as 'weak'. Truth is, they are far from weak. It's courage that brings them there in the first place. How can such a courageous person be weak? In fact, such people are a great example to those who wish to evolve beyond their challenges.

May sound like a strange question but have you ever been a bit of a daydreamer? Just wondering. There are benefits to daydreaming that may come to serve you in the way forward.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising... yes im a daydreamer. a million percent. whether they're daydreams or 'day nightmares' is a different thing, but its both good and bad thoughts... no matter what im always thinking...

as for knowing what my anxiety is trying to tell me... i guess its hard because i dont really think about it at the time when im feeling really anxious... with talking to my psych i guess its just i feel uncomfortable with the pressure of talking about myself and being the 'centre of attention' because i feel like i dont deserve it and i get really worried in thoe situations but i dont really know what i feel like that...

[jumpyjellyfish-]

im freaking out a lot... i just talked to my khl counsellor and i was still feeling pretty stressed but we had to finish up because it had already been an hour but then as soon as i was about to go i got a notification for umpiring saying that i had a game which is for guys the same age as me and its div 2 out of like 5 or 6 so they're really good and i started freaking out because for that age it works different to what ive done before and ive never done it and i don't know how to cus its 2 umpires not 1 and i started crying and freaking out but then i had to go and i just feel really abandoned and alone because it happened to be at the end of my session that i found out so i just dont really know what to do.

i also today at school was really freaking out and i dont even know why really and then i was dumb and yelled something out in class which i didnt mean to be as loud as it was saying 'thats so stupid' about something my maths teacher was tryna show us because he was showing us something even he said was unnecassarily long and then the class happened to be quiet so he heard and kept probing at me to say what i said and what was annoying about it and i was already feeling overwhelmed and he already think im the dumbest in my class even though i did well assessment wise the rest of the time im really just stupid and i hated it and then all today ive just had no motivation and been really stressed out and im so tempted to just not show up to classes anyways because whats the point.

i dont know what to do and whenever i get really freaked out it makes me feel worse and hopeless because everything feels impossible and i just cant do anything. and i get so guilty that i have suicidal thoughts because i cant imagine hurting the people around me but everything feels so hard and i just cant deal with it anymore and im safe but i mean im always safe because im too scared to do anything which makes me think that im just being dramatic but at the same time i really dont want to be alive and i just dont know anymore.

i have the urge to self harm because i just dont know how to cope. i dont know what to do. and i feel so bad about my eating too and like a failure because thats what the cycle of bingeing and restricting and purging makes you feel like it makes you feel so so miserable but i cant stop it because i cant stop myself from restricting and i just cant do it anymore. what can i do anyways.

but as i tell everyone else. 'im fine'