Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey mb20lover,

dont worry about it i take breaks sometimes too and there are a bunch of threads around so thats perfectly fair

ive been a bit rocky tbh. ive gotten into this routine of i try and go to bed, then as soon as i do i get intrusive thoughts, then i end up listening to music for hours to try and block them out only to get suicidal thoughts then go to bed at like around 1-2am. i talked to my khl counsellor a couple days in a row to talk about my eating - specifically purging - and suicidal thoughts. she's the only person ive talked to really apart from family ofc but even then ive been pretty withdrawn. in terms of suicidal thoughts im safe like they're just thoughts but i just feel overall pretty shitty for lack of a better word to be honest. add on that i dont feel sick or skinny enough to have a problem with my eating although i know logically what im doing is messed up...... yeah

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

When it comes to replying, no rush 🙂

You're actually well ahead of some others in this world. You know the areas in which you wish to evolve, it's just a matter of figuring out the 'how to do it' aspect. You might be given a lot of suggestions on how to make progress but those suggestions perhaps won't be all that helpful unless you can relate to them, they feel do-able. Give you an example:

My 15yo son is challenged to various degrees by social anxiety. I wondered about the easiest way to overcome social anxiety. I came up with a few ideas he could graduate through, to greater confidence. This applies to myself as well, as I've always been a shy person in certain social settings. Hope these help you too:

• Get a sense of who is easygoing and great at leading a conversation. Gravitate toward them if possible. Easiest to gain social skills when you've got good leaders around. If you know these people well, develop the confidence to ask for tips. Challenge yourself to wonder out loud, 'I wonder how you manage to lead conversations so easily'. Easygoing people are happy to share
• Develop skills in 'small talk'. I'm a shocker at this. It's pretty awkward to tell you the truth. Start a conversation about the nature of reality or the nature of people or ask me what I'd do in the case of a zombie apocalypse and, bamm, I'm in straight away but small talk, no. I suppose this is because small talk requires us to be the leader at some point, lead the conversation when it starts to fizzle out. I suppose it's about paying attention to what comes to mind. Walk into a shop that's amazing and when the store owner comes up to you, feel free to say to him/her 'This place is amazing'. That will get them talking about how it came to be so amazing. Notice when someone's looking well and tell them this. Notice when someone's looking exhausted and, if it won't upset them, tell them this. People enjoy venting when it comes to how they achieved wellness or exhaustion. Leading others to feel free to express themself is skillful. I think I just solved my own issue with small talk 🙂
• Start accepting the challenges. Eg: Challenge yourself to order from a menu when you next go out. Celebrate the achievement and imagine ways to further perfect the challenge

'What I say and how I think and feel are all valid.' How could these things not be valid on the path of self development? 'Who led me to the belief that these things are not important?' is a good question.

🙂

[tranzcrybe]

I always have trouble sleeping if I eat certain things (usually sugary food) too much, too little, or even too late - my belly gets cranky (and loudly complaining) and I can't seem to get comfortable. A settled stomach for me comprises slow metabalising sources (protein, I think, from pasta, rice, or even a bowl of porridge!) before hitting the sack. It's surely different for everyone, but maybe you could experiment to find your best match. BTW, I realise this thinking may not sit well with your current thought process, but I just thought I'd put it out there for your consideration.

[Backtheblue91]

Jumpy Jellyfish, you are just as worthy as God (or the higher power, if not religious) created you to be. I haven't had the time to read through all the responses. But there are some great playlists on Spotify by motivational speakers who speak from their experience and from the heart. I have my own playlist I play every day even when I'm feeling good. It reinforces self-worth and hopefully, it will unravel what may be your truth at the moment but is not THE truth.

I hope this reaches you well,

Rhys

[jumpyjellyfish-]

well that was the most AMAZING therapy session I’ve had EVER, I shared EVERYTHING with my psychologist and DID NOT cry when I got home because she suggested at the end of my session we could talk to my mum (about the stuff we’ve been doing on coping with anxiety next time I see her) and she DID NOT talk briefly to my mum about what we were talking about. Like no, what?

No sarcasm at all 😄 .............ahhh geez I’m so done.

So yeah if you didn’t pick up on it, I feel absolutely terrible about the whole situation and it’s making me never want to open up ever (or try to because I failed miserably lol)..... good times (I’m trying to mask my frustration and distress with humour to cope but that’s ok...) I was so hopeful and I really wanted to talk about my disordered eating and then I got really anxious as usual going into therapy and then went silent about it and then wham I never want to share anything again because that sent me into a spiral of mistrust. Yay! Fun!

Also I've read all your posts and I'm sorry that I haven't responded I don't really know how to put anything to words at the moment. I'm so done with everything to be honest.

Also a few days ago my mum saw my self harm on accident and ask me 'when did that happen?' and I just said 'idk' and she would never consider that I would self harm or it in general so yeah I'm just more inclined to bottle up. And considering that I only have one more session before I have to go back to the GP cus my MHCP went for 6 weeks and then I have to go back if I need (which I do...) I'm worried that I'm gonna just say 'I'm fine' and feel worse and be stuck on my own. Then what's gonna happen?

I'm so sick and tired of this. I don't know what to do. I feel so so stuck and hopeless.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

Thank you for sharing your story here. We are so sorry that your experience today was so negative and that it's left you feeling hopeless and stuck. We're worried about you, so we're checking in privately.
 
We’d also encourage you to contact Kids Helpline or  Headspace for support if and whenever you need it.

It can be really tough opening up and we hear that it's been really tough for you to communicate what you really want to talk about. You might be interested in our page “Talk about it". You could also consider writing a letter that you can either read out loud or even just pass to your psychologist in the next session.
 
Thanks again for sharing what you're going through here. We hope that this community is some comfort to you on these tough days.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I've tried writing down what I want to say but I can't even find it in me to give her a letter or anything.

Plus now I'm just worried about confidentiality and stuff because I feel like my very struggling but slowly building trust has been broken by my psych being keen for me to share the things I've been doing to cope with anxiety with my mum. Maybe I just took it wrong but still I'm not comfortable with it.

I think she's under the impression that I'll be fine and won't need any more sessions so she wants to end things off with it - and as I said before I don't think that will turn out well.

My thoughts are being mean to me at the moment... as in I'm having suicidal thoughts. I just feel hopeless and like a failure and that I make everyone's lives worse. Just to clarify, I'm safe and they're just thoughts.

I feel like such a mess of a person though.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Try not to beat yourself up too much. I know, easy for me to say.

One of the challenges of a therapist is to help you rise to meet each challenge you face. It can be tough for them to do this under certain circumstances, one of those circumstances being having not come to know you over a long period of time. If they had more time to come to know your nature perhaps the right guidance and strategies would be clearer for them. It can take some therapists months to lead a client to finally open up. This is just one of the reasons as to why you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. You could say that what you're facing is based on the inadequacies of the mental health care system, not enough time to get to the bottom of things. It's not you, it's the system. Another thing to consider involves the possibility that your therapist is pushing you to open up and tell your mum because she knows you have only 1 session left and doesn't want you left facing your struggles alone.

Do you feel it's at all possible to say to your therapist next time something like 'I need more time with you, I can't do this on my own'? If that's the truth, do you feel you can tell her this truth? I understand this might be incredibly hard to admit to her but it is one sentence, one statement that may change everything. If writing things down for her to read feels impossible, what about this one simple statement. Can you imagine what it would look like to write it, to have it in your pocket when you see her next, to pull it out and to put it on her desk all without thinking your way out of it. Even if you have to tell that part of yourself (the saboteur) 'SHUT UP!' over and over again until you put that paper on the desk, this might be 1 strategy to consider. I know that voice well by the way. It's the one that said to me many times when I was in my depression 'You should be able to get through this on your own. Don't admit to 'weakness', toughen up. What is wrong with you? You need to just get on with things. You don't need anyone. You don't deserve the help or guidance'. My goodness how the list goes on when it comes to the saboteur's destructive ramblings and negative attitude. These days, I have moments when I say to that part of myself 'I know what you're doing. You're trying to talk me out of rising to a challenge that's going to change my life. SHUT THE HECK UP!' If I'm successful and it shuts up, inspiration kicks in with the truth, 'YOU'VE GOT THIS!'

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I'll have to remind myself of that strategy - literally telling my anxiety to SHUT UPPPP! It feels so liberating.

That voice is so so stupid!!! Imma try push aside the voice telling me I'm hopeless right now because even if that's what I believe right now THANKS BUT NO THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. I'll take it from here.

That felt really good 🙂

I want to describe that voice as how I 'feel' it: overwhelming, brutally honest, distressing, upsetting, impossible.

Now what it is: thoughts.

.........that's all.........

Tbh I am struggling with saying this right now and telling the negative voice to be quiet which is firing insults at me right now BUT I know I need to and want to challenge myself. Like I'm so sick of feeling crap.

I'll try my best with my appointment anyways. It isn't for a while...

It's funny that I find that so helpful - not gonna lie I think the idea of telling myself to shut up - my brain doesn't recognise the difference between me being self sabotaging with the way I talk to myself and opposingly fighting against negative thoughts.

Thanks so much 🙂

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I'm reading an absolutely brilliant book at the moment called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn your demons into creative rocket fuel', by Jamie Catto (a guy with a great sense of humor). As a kid, he suffered from seriously debilitating anxiety. He's managed to gain an incredible perspective when it comes to how people naturally tick.

He talks a fair bit about those voices that pop into our head at different times. His perspective relates to seeing these aspects of our self not as bad things but as characters who were at some point born into serving us in some way. Take 'the victim' who says 'Life's not fair. People can be so cruel and thoughtless. Life feels so hopeless'. 'The victim' may recognise the ways in how life is unfair, how people can be so cruel and thoughtless and how things can feel so hopeless. You could say this part of us serves us in recognising unfairness and/or injustice and hopelessness of some nature. Then we can have times where we meet with that part of us which may dictate 'Get off your backside and do something! Make the changes you need to make and stop complaining!'. He refers to this aspect of self as 'The slave driver/inner critic', which can also serve as the motivator. Then we have the wise sage like part of us who says 'You're being too hard on your self. You need help with this challenge. You need to find help and hope, as you can't do this on your own'. All 3 are astute and have some good advice. Catto speaks of other aspects of our self but I won't go on. Just thought I'd share a little on his perspective. The book is largely about gaining the ability to recognise these different aspects of self and then using them productively, in our favour, hence that part of the title, 'Turn your demons into creative rocket fuel'. So, you could say the overall well balanced advice from these 3 aspects of self could be 'Life is unfair at times. It can even feel hopeless. Change needs to happen in order to make a difference under those conditions. In the process, don't be too hard on yourself while you're trying to navigate life through gradually gaining hope and that difference you need'.

I share a quote from him that I find highly amusing, as I can relate, 'We are each of us a wise guru in charge of a mental patient'. I think most of us can relate to times where we can have some mind altering guru like revelation before trying to apply our revelation to a sense of self that feels completely out of control.

🙂