Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I guess that's what it is - me needing energy - although I find myself telling myself that it's got nothing to do with that when it does, much like trying to convince myself 'I'm not hungry' in the first place. Which when I'm saying that to myself I can physically feel is a lie. But then yeah, eventually that's when my thoughts and willpower gets overridden by my physical needs. That 'willpower' though just wants to try get stronger afterwards though and that's how the cycle continues. It's like this mouse wheel.

I smiled a bit when you said this "If you're feeling compelled to sleep a bit more these days" because I seem to most of the time recently (aside from a couple of days oversleeping) get 5-6 hours of sleep, yet I've been doing basically nothing all day because I'm not motivated to which I guess not doing much could make me sleep less, aside from the fact that I am physically tired (not eating properly may just be one of those reasons) but I just refute sleep? I don't really know and that didn't really make much sense, but I feel like in some way or another, everything links up.

Doing things that make me good make my batteries feel charged I suppose - it's energising. Just finding something at the moment I want to go and do is hard. I'm trying to fight that hopelessness, idk if I'm really trying that hard though because the more hopeless you feel, the more you feel like giving up. I haven't completely gone down that road though. I suppose there's some light, it's just reaching for it is hard. It's like grabbing something off the top shelf (not all of us are tall, lol) - it's probably worth it but it's a lot of effort. Weird analog but how I feel.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thank you xx and same goes for you btw. You are so worth it.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I guess there's no harm... I know it's stupid it's just that I know it should be so easy just to text, but I spend ages hovering over the 'send' button and then not sending a message because I'm like 'oh they wouldn't want to talk to me'. Which is unreasonable but who knows.

I might and really should try and challenge myself to trying to organise something with a friend who lives nearby tomorrow though because it's honestly insane to me that I'm too self conscious to literally text my friends. I also need the responsibility of having to meet up with someone else to go do something cause I swear I'm barely gonna leave the house otherwise.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Wondering if you've considered going to see your GP so as to suss out where your iron and b12 levels are at right now. With purging being a factor, wonder whether your body's having enough time to process the vitamins and minerals you're taking in. Personally, I get a b12 shot every few months due to an inability to process b12 naturally. Over the years I've come to recognise when my b12 levels are getting low. My energy levels begin to plummet and my ability to think clearly is impacted. While the low end of 'normal' for b12 is 200 in Australia, I personally can't sit below 300 without feeling affected. In other countries the low end of normal is 400. Everyone's 'normal' is different when it comes to blood test result scales/measurements. Something important to keep in mind.

I'm lucky to be living with a couple of my 'go to' people for energy boosts and motivation. Can tell you there's nothing quite like going for a swim down the beach on a 14 degree morning to charge you up. Wouldn't have done this if it wasn't for my 15yo son. It's my 18yo daughter who's reassuring me that going away for a few days to relax and recharge is exactly what I need. She's right. My kids are super constructive guides.

tranzcrybe has offered a great idea for looking for energy boosts - getting in touch with some 'go to' people, friends. It's good you're considering this. It can definitely be a major challenge to begin an adventure or some exciting expedition with people, due to a lack of energy but if you can think of ways to manage starting, most of the battle is over at that point. After this you become free to 'charge up' if you can. I feel it's important to mention that if, for some reason, you don't feel charged through what you're doing this can tell you how low your energy levels may be (including the energy that comes about through certain types of physical chemistry). If it helps, imagine a battery. At zero charge there's no excitement, no energy. At 20%, there's still not enough for that battery to become significantly energised. At 40%, things are getting better. At 100%, that battery has max amount of energy/excitement. Don't beat yourself up too much if you're feeling you're at about 30%, instead, consider ways when it comes to how you could get to at least 70%. Your energy can influence your chemistry and vice versa. Like a battery cell, every cell in our body holds and processes energy.

Hoping your friends lead you to excitement 🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I hadn't really thought about it but to be honest my levels of nutrients and all that stuff are probably all over the place... probably worth checking out. Idea of going to the GP is nerve wracking though.

Texted one of my friends asking if we could hang out. She said they were leaving to go away today and after that I kinda went into this negative mindset but hey I tried. I have a tendency to overgeneralise and have 'black and white thinking' for that kind of stuff which I can acknowledge it's just getting past that which is the hard yards.

Feeling really guilty at the moment and hopeless. I'm 'hiding in my room' as my mum said - which is true, but I don't know what else to do. Went out today with my mum though so at least I got out of the house.

[tranzcrybe]

Shame about the timing, Jumpy - not the outcome. Please don't feel disheartened. I think you have taken a positive step and I congratulate you on your willingness to step up for yourself.
Next time...

[jumpyjellyfish-]

yep, thanks tranzcrybe...

i feel really alone at the moment. i just dont know what to do with myself anymore.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Along with tranzcrybe I congratulate you for being proactive. I suppose it's that time of the year where a lot of people are going away. My kids and myself were meant to be going away on our annual Easter holiday but the booking got messed up so we're vibing locally this time.

If only life was easy in a way where we got a checklist given to us and had to tick off, step by step, all the things that were going to lead us to feel more developed and connected to life. It's hard work when you have to make up that check list yourself. 'Where do I start?' or 'What am I meant to be putting on that list?' are a couple of key questions that come to mind. Probably the easiest place to start is to take all the appointments that currently exist and then begin slotting some things in between those appointments. Example: Psych appointments and showing up for school are the already established ones. While these 2 different types involve self development in different ways, other forms of self development may involve

• developing knowledge when it comes to where your iron and b12 levels are sitting at. There's only one way to know
• developing your ability to text a friend. You've already done this. Give yourself a pat on the back. Although it didn't pan out the way you would have liked, don't stop there. You could develop the ability to contact more than one person or more than a couple. Achieving contact with 4 people could be the goal. You may simply appoint them 'The person you text, to say Hi to', with no conditions attached and see where things go from there
• developing your ability to relax and think less. Yes, thoughtlessness is an ability. Perhaps start with simple tasks. Imagine feeling the need to drink more water. Practice getting up out of the seat and going to fill a glass with water, without thinking. I'm a shocker when it comes to thinking my way out of drinking water, 'No, I can't be bothered. I'll do it later' blah, blah, blah. If 'Drink more water' comes to mind, try not thinking in between that and drinking the water. See if you can keep your mind as empty as possible then congratulate yourself for the achievement
• developing your ability to imagine what you'd like to do or where you'd like to go. We can easily get out of the habit of exercising our imagination. Maybe your mum could help bring some of what you imagine into reality. Challenge her

What are a few things you could imagine putting on your self development checklist?

🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hey, how have you been? Sometimes I take breaks from the forums so it's nothing personal why I haven't replied, plus I get caught up in my threads, my apologies. Hope you're doing ok and had a good Easter xx

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising,

sorry for the late reply ive been feeling a bit of a struggle with connecting with people, ive found myself isolating myself a lot so i havent been around the forums i just dont really know what to say.

i would add:

• developing the confidence to share how im feeling, be more confident in myself self esteem wise, being sure enough of myself to believe that i deserve help and that my feelings are valid and i should trust my instincts etc.
• developing healthy coping mechanisms (rather than SH, SI and purging etc.) to deal with my emotions and thoughts, and in general just how to actually not engage in unhealthy behaviours

that's all i can think of right now but if i could solve those two things i wouldn't really be struggling in the first place. thing is its really hard to do that, particularly gain confidence but.