Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy,
Hope you don't me popping in with just a thought that stuck in my head from reading your sincere posts (you might remember me from somewhere around page 1!):
You seem to place yourself second to most things.
What do you think about finding something which is all about you? Ever sung Karaoke, been in a stage production, or pampered yourself in any self indulgence for no other reason?
I guess you are probably shuddering at the very thought, but boosting that fragile self esteem may mean shining the spotlight on you from time to time ( ...and embracing the moment).

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey, yeah I remember you 🙂 thanks for popping in

I'll express what my brain fizzled around when I first read that - something along the lines of: "Wait, but- what? Focus on myself- no no no. Not for me. I don't deserve that- I don't. And being the centre of attention- ahh hello anxiety, hello failure why are you doing this!? You don't get this- you aren't allowed to be nice to yourself.

My thoughts are really mean to me sometimes, but I guess that's another way of saying I'm mean to myself.

Putting that negative, critical part of me aside, I think that yeah, finding something that I can do for myself so that I can feel better about myself because of that is something I just have to do and go 'ok stupid voice in my head, you can leave now, I'm doing this for me and no one else'. It's hard to get that voice to leave though a lot of the time but I guess most of the 'battle' is just starting - as is with a lot of things.

Also just in general whenever I put myself first I feel selfish... I don't know where that has stemmed from to be honest but I think it's a bit of a people pleasing tendency to want to meet everyone else's needs.

Embracing the moment... I would love to do that so badly. I hate how few times I've been doing something, no matter how old I've been (can't really say that as a teenager lol) where I haven't been overthinking EVERYTHING. I wish I could just forget about all my worries and just enjoy things, just in general.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Your revelation about us sometimes being a bully to our self has been a significant wake up call for me. Thank you for raising me to greater consciousness. I love being raised by amazing people. While I would say I'm more my natural self than ever before (I've come a long way over the years), I'll sometimes catch that bullying self in action. As we grow to become more conscious, I imagine we'll come to tame it.

You mention 'My thoughts are really mean to me sometimes, but I guess that's another way of saying I'm mean to myself'. If it's of any help, I've found expanding on this even further has made a difference in my own life. 'I'm mean to myself' has become 'I'm mean to my natural self'. Kinda weird to consider more than one self but many a people have eluded to there being the ego self, the soulful self and the observer (of both). Yes, a little trippy. The soulful self is a truly beautiful self. It is the daydreamer, the visionary (when it comes to how life can be), the adventurer, the raiser of self and others, the wonderer (often wondering), the receiver of inspiration and the list goes on. It really is so beautiful and sensitive. The ego self can be an absolute out of control mongrel at times, a real dog, one that can be hard to tame. It can be brutal to our natural self. On the other hand, when its behaving, it's fantastic. It becomes the watchdog, keeping us on alert and it can also be like a guide dog leading the way, taking us from pure imagination into action. This aspect of self can act as a grounding tool.

My natural self just loves to wonder. I wonder what it would be like to have this and that. Sometimes I just have to know, so I'll buy this and that. At some point that other part of me will bark 'You have to stop spending or there won't be any money to pay the bills'. If not for ego, I would be in debt and spend most of my life with my head in the clouds wondering and daydreaming 🙂 You could say that ego is the disciplinarian. Having the 2 aspects of self working together in harmony is the ultimate challenge. Taking a step back to see how the 2 come into play is what makes me 'the objective observer' at times. I imagine you'll have had those moments where you ask 'Why am I doing what I'm doing?' There can become a compulsion to know. Cue objective analysis (over analysing everything). It's like being your own full time psychotherapist who, on occasion, doesn't want to take a break until they've found the answer.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, I have those 'Why am I doing what I'm doing?' thoughts usually if I'm feeling overwhelmed, which results in one of two things - either me thinking things are impossible and breaking down, or trying to for a little bit stop and 'reset' I suppose. To be honest, that 'resetting' I have been doing less often than focussing on how difficult everything feels but I think when I can manage to take a step back it'll over time get easier hopefully.

I'm the same with wondering about a lot of things. My thoughts - when they aren't being purely over analytical - are always looking not only for details, but the big picture of everything. I think it's because I notice a lot of stuff, and I just have this natural tendency to want to know how things work, or think about 'what if x happens' and take into account all the possibilities. So those thoughts can be really great but I guess it's just trying to tame back those negative thoughts and replace them with proper wondrous thoughts. Not that they are improper but some things are more pleasant to think about than others.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I feel pretty down atm...

I hadn't eaten all day but then decided to cook something just for the sake of it so I could feel productive to some extent but then I ended up bingeing (which was me not eating tonnes but eating not for fullness but mindlessly and quickly) and purging. It's the same old and I'm starting to feel really lost and out of control.

Literally have done basically nothing for 4 days - barely gotten up. Just trying to drown out all the thoughts I'm having with music on repeat. I feel so stupid and lazy but I don't have the willpower to get up and do something. I'm just waiting for the day to end. But I was yesterday too - and the day before. I just can't do this.

I haven't talked to any friends at all because I don't want them to feel like they have to text back or whatever. I feel like I just annoy everyone anyways and I'm such a downer so why would they want to be around me anyways? They don't - but they're probably just too nice to say it.

I just feel so lost and confused and annoyed at myself and I don't know what to do. I feel like my whole holidays is gonna be like this and I just need to let my stupid feelings out. Sorry to complain and be such a burden.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

We can hear that you've been struggling with a lot of emotions, and we're sorry to hear it. Please remember that there is always support available to you, and if you're needing to talk out what you've been going through you can reach out to one of the supports we've recommended.

It sounds like you're struggling with some negative self-talk, such as "I just annoy everyone anyway" - you might find it helpful to take a look at some of the tips on challenging your inner critic on our page “When your inner critic is giving you a tough time”. Your friends would likely enjoy hearing from you, and getting in touch with one of them could be a really positive way to improve your mood.

It sounds like you've been really strong over the last few days. Getting out of bed at all is really tough, so getting up and cooking yourself something today is an achievement. Listening to music to distract yourself from negative thoughts is also an achievement. You might be interested in the thread Three self-care things you did today! to find out some small ways that other community members have been practicing self care. 

Thanks for keeping us updated - let us know if any of these tips are helpful to you.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks... I'll check out the links you sent.

I don't know if they would really- everyone seems happier leaving me out of things. I just feel out of place with my friend group sometimes. I also just don't have the energy to hold a conversation, although I guess that's the point - to try and feel better and therefore more energised... I guess I should try challenge myself to that to try and feel better- nothing to lose.

I don't feel very strong - I feel pretty weak to be honest. Thanks though

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Was wondering about the binging, wondering whether your body was seriously craving a major energy boost, when you then went onto mention how lacking in energy you felt.

It's been said by people that the body has a mind of its own. It'll do what it needs to do, sometimes without us being fully conscious of its reasons. I must say, I do have moments where I catch my body doing its own thing and think 'How clever is that!' A couple of examples: I might be feeling a little tense when all of a sudden I catch myself rubbing my shoulder and neck. It's something we don't really do consciously, we just do it. When I notice this I can be left thinking 'That's a prompt to keep going, to massage for a further 5 to 10 minutes or so'. Sometimes I may notice myself stretching. Sometimes I don't set out to do it, it just happens. Kind of like when you first wake up in the morning and automatically stretch without thinking. When I catch myself in a stretch, I'll get up out of the chair and continue stretching other parts of my body. This usually gives me a little more energy. Again, maybe it's about releasing some tension. The stretching definitely helps wake me up more.

So, maybe your body's desperate for fuel. If you're feeling compelled to sleep a bit more these days, that's another way of re-energising (energy restoration through productive sleep). If anyone ever says to me 'My teenage son eats us out of house and home and then does nothing but sleep when he's not eating', my response may sometimes be 'Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to grow a teenager?' The answer, 'A LOT!'

Sometimes we can be left beating our self up when it comes to having a lack of motivation. Sometimes it may simply be about having a lack of energy to be motivated. Sometimes, not always, if we can find ways to 'charge up', a sense of motivation naturally follows.

If you set to wondering 'What would lead me to be in charge?', what comes to mind? Whether you want to be in charge, finding ways to manage your self or whether you want to be in charge, like a human battery in a state of charging up, the choice is yours. You might even consider both. In the meantime, try wondering about your lack of energy instead of beating yourself up over it. I've been there myself and know how brutal and chastising this can become.

[PsychedelicFur]

Please please please hang in there. You are worthy, beautiful and amazing. I can tell from just speaking to you.

here if you need to talk,

PsychedelicFur xxx

[tranzcrybe]

"I haven't talked to any friends at all because I don't want them to feel like they have to text back or whatever. I feel like I just annoy everyone anyways and I'm such a downer so why would they want to be around me anyways?"

And what's the harm just checking in to say hi? Maybe also a good idea to have a 'thing' planned when you get a reply so you can satisfy yourself that you are being proactive instead of getting self conscious (about putting yourself out there!) - something simple just to have some fun together and one small step out of your comfort zone. Fear and excitement are closely linked and the energy it burns can leave you feeling centered (in a more positive way...).