Sexuality and gender identity

Peer support and conversations about anxiety, depression and other issues in the mental health space affecting LGBTQI+ people.

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Pinned discussions

MsPurple LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place
  • replies: 219

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community. A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations H... View more

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community. A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations Here you can ask questions about anything from questioning your sexuality/gender identity, coming out concerns, dating, mental health etc. If you are an ally (an Ally is a person who considers themselves a friend to the LGBTQ+ community) you are also welcome to come here to be a support to our community and ask questions as well. This is a supportive place for people to discuss their questions and concerns, we are not a place of judgement. As Thumper from the movie Bambi said "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." If you are looking for a more social and light hearted conversation might I suggest joining us on the thread under BB social/rainbow cafe. Copy and paste the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything Feel free to introduce yourself below and ask any question/s I thought I'd answer one common question in the intro post and this is one I have heard a lot. What do the letters mean? When referring to the community it is shortened to LGBT+ as there are more letters than just the 4. I have put some of the common ones here: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual Two-spirited Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally Pansexual Agender Gender Queer Welcome everyone and hope to see you around on this thread and around the BB forums MP

Chris_B IMPORTANT: Information and guidelines for posting in this section
  • replies: 0

The Sexuality & Gender Identity space is a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. 1. Its purpose is to provide people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, intersex, queer or questioning (LGBTIQ) a safe spa... View more

The Sexuality & Gender Identity space is a sub-forum within the wider beyondblue forum community. 1. Its purpose is to provide people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, transgender, intersex, queer or questioning (LGBTIQ) a safe space to talk about how issues relating to gender identity and sexual orientation impact on mental health and wellbeing. 2. This includes discussion of and support around chronic illnesses such as HIV which disproportionately affect gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men. 3. As this is a safe and affirming space for LGBTIQ individuals, please note this is not an appropriate space for debating the "rights and wrongs" of homosexuality, bisexuality, or gender fluidity itself. This includes use of terms such as "lifestyle" and "choice". 4. This sub-forum is and always will be a safe and supportive place for LGBTIQ people concerned with what we all need to do to stay well. That said, others are welcome provided they respect that this is primarily a LGBTIQ space. 5. If you do not identify as LGBTIQ, or are not currently supporting someone in your life who is LGBTIQ, and are curious about aspects of sexuality or gender identity, please read through beyondblue’s resources for and about LGBTIQ people here to educate yourself rather than posting in this section.

All discussions

gruidae Hate ramping up - worsening my cptsd
  • replies: 4

I'm really not coping with the escalation in queer and gender diverse people once again being the constant object of debate and discussion in order for a particular party to win an election. I suffered homophobic hate crime as a youngster - it's brin... View more

I'm really not coping with the escalation in queer and gender diverse people once again being the constant object of debate and discussion in order for a particular party to win an election. I suffered homophobic hate crime as a youngster - it's bringing it all up again. Every time there is a phase of our lives being up for heteroseuxal and cissexual people to debate on our legitimacy, violence surely follows. I'm having constant flashbacks to being beaten and raped in the school toilets when I was at highschool. I've seen it mainly coming down on gender diverse afab where it's taken root n the UK and it's making me too scared to leave the house. I know our voices aren't valued in the media, we're just a "big problem"to all cis/hetero people who need us to just disappear. They'll never stop. I'm 52 and it's never stopped. It will never get better, they'll never stop trying to vilify us ,bash us, rape us and destroy us. Any, the only way I'll ever be safe is not be part of the Australian community anymore. All I want is to find a way of forming a queer only community where we only have to have contact with each other and not this violent hateful society Our own businesses that exclude them , our own healthcare which excludes them - everything we need and a way to never have to encounter another people who actually belong out there in the hateful world. I'm so done. I'm sick of hiding in my house because everywhere - cishet people. Turn on the tv - there they are, with all their violence, hate and scare campaigns. How do I escape them? How do I escape this hateful world?

robinrue Struggling with being outed
  • replies: 3

I'm a Year 10 student, I go to an only girl's school, I am bisexual. Growing up I kind of always knew I was gay, I didn't have this massive revelation or came to terms with it I just knew. I was always pretty secretive about it though and still am, w... View more

I'm a Year 10 student, I go to an only girl's school, I am bisexual. Growing up I kind of always knew I was gay, I didn't have this massive revelation or came to terms with it I just knew. I was always pretty secretive about it though and still am, whenever someone directly asks me if I'm wlw I kind of just dance around the topic or change the subject. In year seven, I told one girl that I was gay and that I had a massive crush on a girl in my class (E), and the secret was out in a week.I got pulled out of French class and was told by people they knew I was gay. For the next year I got viciously bullied by EVERYONE in my grade, everyone ignored me, everyone talked shit about me, everyone hated me, but E (the girl I liked) and her friend group was the worst, they made me feel dirty and outcasted. Year 8, things got better, I got friends who were 'mean girls' they meant well, but sometimes they were really hurtful. After year 7 everyone forgot I was gay, my two friends that were 'mean girls' called me on my phone during lockdown and outed me again. I didn't even know how to respond other than 'Yeah I used to like E, but she's kind of annoying and ugly.' There were a few other times where I was nearly outed in art class (because I lied so much about being straight that one of the friends said 'what hold on...aren't you....') and I left before she could say it and cried. In Year 9, Everyone forgot I was gay which was a blessing in disguise. Now in Year 10, pretty much everyone's gay, even the people that outed me, they all forget that they bullied me or even hated me for it. The people who DO remember laugh about it and think its funny. I find it frustrating that they think they can talk on queer struggles when they've always been loved and accepted for their sexuality. They constantly make uncomfortable gay jokes abt them being hate-crimed or something similar. They had the privilege of figuring out their sexuality. Is it weird that I still hold a grudge towards them? That I, as a bisexual, don't group myself with them and I prefer to call myself gay? I think I'm super jealous and resentful towards them for it. It doesn't help that I'm kind of friends with most of the girls who bullied me and have now come out as bisexual now since they've miraculously forgot everything they did to me and other gay kids. I don't want to hate my friends but I still feel like deep down after everything I still hate them for how they treated my year 7 self. idk what to do.

DahliaDaydreams Anxiety to do with potentially being ace or a lesbian?
  • replies: 2

I don’t really know where to start… I’m not sure if this is the right forum. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for quite some time and I’m only mentioning this because I think it may play a role in how I’m feeling right now? A few days ago I went ou... View more

I don’t really know where to start… I’m not sure if this is the right forum. I’ve been questioning my sexuality for quite some time and I’m only mentioning this because I think it may play a role in how I’m feeling right now? A few days ago I went out and kissed someone for the first time, a guy. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and it just felt so wrong, and I felt like I needed to leave immediately. I was freaking out and I thought if I just left the anxiety and panic I felt would go away. Except it hasn’t. Any time I think about it my stomach lurches and I feel like throwing up. I can’t get the thought out of my head of how much I hated it and just did it because I’d heard so many stories that I felt like it was expected. And not only that but the feeling hit me really hard that I’m probably not interested in men at all which has led to another layer of anxiety. This was three days ago now and I’m flinching and get unreasonably scared anytime something reminds me of it and it’s really affecting me negatively. I guess why I’m putting this on here is to ask if this is an ordinary experience, if anyone has any advice as to how to stop the anxiety, and if this could be anything to do with asexuality or something?

TrashPanda2438 I think I'm asexual, but also I'm not?
  • replies: 3

For context I am a bisexual. Hey all. Recently I've been feeling weird about my relationship with sexual attraction. I feel it, and have the urge to act on it. But whenever I do, the feeling dissapears straight away. I don't think I'm asexual, becaus... View more

For context I am a bisexual. Hey all. Recently I've been feeling weird about my relationship with sexual attraction. I feel it, and have the urge to act on it. But whenever I do, the feeling dissapears straight away. I don't think I'm asexual, because I still feel sexual attraction. It's frustrating and the topic is way too embarassing to talk about with friends, family, or a therapist. PLS help! TLDR: Feel sexual attraction until I try to act on it. Why?

amumwhoistrying How Do I Do This?
  • replies: 3

I long suspected my son was gay and he has come out to us (immediate family) a few months ago. At first I was relieved, as I say I've long suspected and it wasn't a huge surprise. It's been a few months and now I am feeling so low and so sad about it... View more

I long suspected my son was gay and he has come out to us (immediate family) a few months ago. At first I was relieved, as I say I've long suspected and it wasn't a huge surprise. It's been a few months and now I am feeling so low and so sad about it. I cry all the time (I try to make sure I'm by myself) and I haven't told anyone, even my husband why I'm crying. I just feel so lost, and empty and black about it. I'm not homophobic, at least I don't think I am, or at least I don't want to be. I love my son and accept him, and really just want him to be happy. But the last few weeks I can't shift this gigantic black hole in the middle of my soul. He has been experimenting with how he looks, using makeup and painting his nails. I don't want it to bother me, but I think it is bothering me. Maybe I'm just worried what people will think and I hate myself for that. I'm worried about his safety, and the extended family don't know yet and I feel sick about that prospect, and then I feel so angry at myself for why do I worry what anyone will think. I imagined a different future for my son. I know for sure there will not be girlfriends to deal with, or a wedding with a girl in a nice dress, and I'm not even sure if he will want or be able to have children. I wish I wasn't making it about me, but I am. I feel really disappointed in myself that I feel this way. I'm too ashamed to admit it except annoymously here. Has anyone else been through this and how did you do this?

karmasdoor I am questioning my gender
  • replies: 5

Hi, I'm "R" and I recently came out as nonbinary to my family (I was already out to my wonderful friends). They're very supportive, but I'm a little confused. I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually a guy. I was assigned female at birth and only recen... View more

Hi, I'm "R" and I recently came out as nonbinary to my family (I was already out to my wonderful friends). They're very supportive, but I'm a little confused. I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually a guy. I was assigned female at birth and only recently found out that I'm not a girl at all. I don't know how to describe it so I've decided to try out he/him pronouns alongside they/them which I am currently using. If you have any advice I'd love to hear it. Thank you in advance

Xander_Burher Unsure of sexuality/orientation and admitting feelings for transgender friend
  • replies: 3

Hello, First post so please let me know if this is or isn’t the right place to talk about this. It’s kind of a two-part thing. I’m a 26-year old male and it occurred to me a couple of months ago that I don’t know for certain what my sexual orientatio... View more

Hello, First post so please let me know if this is or isn’t the right place to talk about this. It’s kind of a two-part thing. I’m a 26-year old male and it occurred to me a couple of months ago that I don’t know for certain what my sexual orientation is. I’m quite reserved and quiet and anxious, never been in a relationship, (never even been on a date!) and still a virgin. It’s never really been a priority for me and I tend to prefer getting to know someone and seeing if there’s a connection, then seeing if I have feelings for them before anything else. I generally appreciate being physically close to people or getting an affectionate touch on the leg or arm or letting someone rest their head on my shoulder but it usually takes me a while knowing them before I’m even comfortable getting to that point. I’m definitely attracted to women and that’s been my “go-to” shall we say, but if I say I’m heterosexual it feels like I’m being dishonest or only telling half the story. I do feel attracted to men and other people in the gender spectrum, but I’m not certain to what extent. I don’t know if it all boils down to lack of experience but I’m not sure who to talk to or what to do to find out. The idea of just going on dates or engaging in sexual activity for the sake of finding that out about myself doesn’t appeal to me, and I don’t want people to feel like they’re being used. The second part to this, and what accelerated a lot of the introspective thought, is that I was working up to telling a good female friend that I had feelings for them and when I met up with them and had planned to tell them, they came out to me as transgender. It doesn’t bother me but I hesitated to tell them about what I was going through (both feelings and orientation) because I didn’t want to be insensitive to what they were going through. I don’t want to lead them on while I’m still discovering this aspect of myself and hurt them further down the track but I don’t want to bottle up my emotions and be jealous if they start seeing other people and do anything to ruin the friendship. It sort of feels like I have this time pressure to know for certain what my sexual identity is. Ultimately they’re my friend and I want them to be happy so even if they don’t reciprocate the feelings I still really enjoy spending time with them- I don’t want it to be an “all-or-nothing” scenario, I’m just sort of afraid they’ll push me away if I mention anything. Thanks for reading.

Kara01 conflicted
  • replies: 211

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman. I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected. I have been ma... View more

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman. I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected. I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren. I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone. Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for. Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body. I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else. I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes. I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

tmas Unable to share questions about gender
  • replies: 11

1. I have questioned my gender in some way for as long as I can remember, though it only occurred to me as maybe meaning something in my mid-late teens. It seems many of those around me believe only in male/female, gay/straight identities. They have ... View more

1. I have questioned my gender in some way for as long as I can remember, though it only occurred to me as maybe meaning something in my mid-late teens. It seems many of those around me believe only in male/female, gay/straight identities. They have no compassion towards those who choose to openly use labels and talk about 'those people' in a very patronising way. I have constant doubts in my mind as to whether what I think I'm experiencing exists at all - I only even have the language I do to express this because of extensive research I have done personally which usually quells my fears; I find internal acknowledgement is enough for me to get on more-or-less confidently, but as I grow close to people for the first time in my life this falls short. 2. I have a boyfriend. I fear that as long as straight (cisM/F) relationships are still on the cards (always will be, I'm bi) I don't feel I could ever voice these thoughts, particularly openly. I worry he wouldn't view me the same, and he seems of those who use labels like non-binary, or 'non-traditional' pronouns. Is this fear founded? Or at least shared by others? Knowing him, realistically I doubt he'd leave me for that reason, but the fear plays in my mind that he would view me differently and lose respect for me. Maybe I'm letting past experiences cloud my judgement. 3) Constant doubt that what I'm voicing here is real. I don't know anyone personally who relates to me. My main personal experiences with other LGBT+ people is limited to bi/gay women and they say they don't have these thoughts. I look feminine, I love makeup and nice clothes, I'm artistic. This creates a certain image and sometimes I enjoy this, sometimes I find it distressing. I have trouble with my body, but is that dysphoria or dysmorphia? I've heard of gender fluid identifying people and this resonates somehow. I all but shaved my hair off about a year ago which my mother shamed me for, and the look created conflict for me. I looked young due to small build which I didn't enjoy. Men avoided me which sometimes was upsetting, though I still snagged a boyfriend somehow - once I knew I was attracted to him I dialled up the femininity a little and it troubles me that I am being disingenuous, but pushing towards either end of the spectrum feel disingenuous, others' opinions constantly undermine my confidence. Clarity is needed, from real people. I haven't said all I probably need to but it's what fits in the textbox. Much appreciated x

zippedzipp LGBTQ+ Movie Recommendation: Dating Amber
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone, I watched a great movie tonight called Dating Amber, it's on Netflix. I think it could really help someone who's struggling with their identity or confused about their sexuality. It made me cry but in a happy way :') definitely worth a ... View more

Hey everyone, I watched a great movie tonight called Dating Amber, it's on Netflix. I think it could really help someone who's struggling with their identity or confused about their sexuality. It made me cry but in a happy way :') definitely worth a watch. Hope everyone is well!