Re. Coming out

[TJW1331]

Hi, My 12 yrs old daughter came out as a lesbian to me this year. I'm very supportive of her. However, I've been separated from her Dad a long time, but she hasn't come out to him. Last week, I found out she has been self harming and has suicidal plans. She says she feels numb and thinks of suicide 2x a week. I had known she was sad, and had been encouraging her to talk with someone, but I hadn't realised how deeply she's been depressed. I've got a mental health plan for her. My daughter has come out to her close friends as well. She says her self harming and suicidal thoughts aren't related to her coming out. But I feel they are, as when she goes to her Dad's house she is hiding who she is from her Dad and half-brothers. Her Dad isn't supportive of same-sex relationships and has made inappropriate comments about being gay infront of my daughter and has strong Catholic beliefs. Of course not realising she's gay. I feel somewhere deep inside herself my daughter feels shame. I would like to tell her father, as I know he loves her. I feel if he knew maybe he might realise that his comments are having a harmful impact on his daughter. My daughter really doesn't want him to know as fears she will lose his relationship. I know it would be really difficult to tell her Dad, I would gladly be her support person, but I know in time he would come round. I feel she's been hiding so much deep inside and I think she's struggling to understand it all. I want to respect my daughter's wishes and I won't tell her Dad without consent. Has anyone out there been in a similar situation and has some words of advice for my daughter and myself? She has a supportive friendship group and school environment and she is saying nothing bad is happening there.

[smallwolf]

Hello,

While I have not been in your position (/situation) ...

I am really sad and sorry to hear that your daughter is going through such a difficult time. It's great to hear that you are being supportive of her, and that she has a mental health plan in place. It's understandable that you would feel conflicted ... whether to tell her dad about her sexuality, given his attitudes and the potential impact on their relationship. I feel your daughter is scared about what could happen. It's natural to think that. My own thoughts are towards your daughter's feelings and to respect her wishes in this situation, while also ensuring that she is safe and getting the help she needs. 

It's also great that she has a supportive friendship group and school environment, and it's important to continue encouraging her to talk to someone about her feelings. Remember that you are not alone in this, and there are resources and support available for both you and your daughter.

Any maybe after time, your daughter may feel comfortable about talking with her dad?

Listening if you wanted to chat some more...

[TJW1331]

Thank you for listening. I decided that my daughter's trust is too important to me. I'm hoping that her talking to a professional will help her strengthen her mental health, as well as give her some ways to deal with these darker emotions if she decides not to tell her father at this stage. Also that she can trust I'm always there to support her. 

Thank you for your kind words of support for my daughter and myself.