My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

[38yearold]

Hi all,

So my wife told me 8 days ago she isn’t in love with me anymore. We have booked some immediate counselling sessions, but she is cold, uninterested and won’t let me in.

We have a 5 year old boy. The consequences will be huge for him and financially as well.

I have been through so many emotions, fear, depression, anxiety and anger.

Not sure what to do. Looking for some guidance and support from you the community.

Many thanks in advance.

[Burdy]

Hi bmacca,

I just wanted to say you are not a 2 times loser and not be so hard on yourself.

I am on my 3rd marriage to a wonderful supportive man, 3 times the charm 🙂

My first was an abuser, second a womanizer none of which was my fault and it took me a few years to realise this. It taught me to have a greater self respect and be more selective of my partners.

And not staying in an unhealthy relationship gives you opportunity to find a respectful and fulfilling one.

We may have a poor judge of character at times bmacca but we certainly are not losers!

Sorry for high jacking your thread 38yrold 🙂

[GoodWitch]

Hi 38yearold

Hope you don't mind me jumping in, I've just been reading your thread.

All these things seem perfectly normal to me. This is you 'preparing for the worst' as you said earlier. The potential for losing this relationship I'm sure is very scary and you are just trying to picture what you will do if that's the way it goes. it's also good that you are actually examining what it is that YOU want, because it seems like the focus has been largely on waiting to see what your wife will do, which is understandable. She is the one who said she didn't want the relationship anymore.

There could be any number of reasons why she feels she has lost the love, I can't speculate on the why of her emotions. Hopefully she will find out more in counselling. I just wanted to say though, that you've done a very good and decent thing by moving out for a while to give her space to work it out. many men refuse or are unable to do this. No matter which way things go, you seem to be acting in a responsible and mature manner and doing what's best for you and your son.

(However while there's nothing wrong with looking at dating websites, maybe I would advise caution there, as in don't actually start dating until you know what's going on with your marriage...that's just my advice. No need to rush into anything new that could bring a 3rd party into a complex situation...)

Wishing you the best

GW

[38yearold]

Hi all!

Just an update. My wife had her psychologist session on Monday and she said it was good. The psychologist probed her on a number of things. I didn’t pry because that session was between my wife and the psychologist.

The psychologist wants an individual session with me which I am doing tomorrow at 10am via Skype as I have moved away from home for the moment.

I am feeling better about things and have a plan A and a plan B depending on how things pan out. Coming up to Xmas will be tough, but after the last 2 weeks I honestly do feel like I have grown as a human. Separation was my worst nightmare and after staring it in the face, I feel like I can take anything on now.

Ill keep you all updated. Thank you for all the support, it really helped and I really did go through a dark stage.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi 38yearold (and a wave to all),

I think you’re making a lot of progress, and bravely taking things in your stride. I love how you always consider your son’s feelings and needs throughout all of this. It really shows what an incredibly caring parent you are....

I like how you respected the privacy of the conversation between your wife and her psychologist. I think that speaks volumes about your good character 🙂

You’re sounding calmer and more emotionally prepared for different outcomes in your later posts, which is great. All the best with your Skype session today, and feel free to let us know how it goes (only with what you feel comfortable sharing of course).

Kind and warm thoughts to you today,

Pepper

[38yearold]

Thanks so much Pepper, you have been great!

Therapy went well. The therapist told me that my wife already has one foot out the door. She was brutally honest and said from her experience, it’s over. It was nice to hear as I thought that was the case.

We drafted a text together as my wife doesn’t like speaking face to face. The therapist told me it was time for me to speak up as it wasn’t all about my wife and at the moment my wife was being extremely selfish. So I sent the text and outlined to her behaviours that I expect her to display for ME to even think about re-entering the relationship.

It felt good to take back some of the power as it needs to be 50/50, not all in her hands.

Her response to the text was angry and a bit of a riddle.

All in all, I am nearly done. And for a strange reason it feels like a weight off my shoulders. Not sure why????

[38yearold]

Hi all,

Well it is official, we are getting divorced. After I pressed my wife for an answer she finally admitted our relationship was over and she was holding off until after Xmas to tell me.

I cried a lot today. Not so much for her, but because I wanted my son to have the perfect upbringing. However; I have come to realise there is no such thing.

All seems amicable at the moment and we have begun to talk about finances etc....

Not the perfect way to start Xmas, but I suppose there is no good time for this sort of thing.....

[Peppermintbach]

Hi 38yearold,

What a day you had yesterday...a very intense and emotional day...I admire your brave, realistic and level headed approach...

I’m so sorry about the divorce, but perhaps in a way it’s a relief too. On the one hand, of coursethere’s the sense of loss and associated grief from it. But on the other hand, it must be a relief to have that sense of closure in the sense that you now know where you stand...

I’m not 100% sure why you feel a weight has been lifted. But I’m guessing maybe you’re feeling that way, because holding onto someone who has already walked away (so to speak) is exhausting and painful...

As in maybe you were holding onto false hope (in a manner of speaking), and for a long time perhaps you were catering excessively to her needs and wants while neglecting your own. So perhaps with this news, it’s almost as though you can finally let go, and finally start taking care of yourself too e.g. sending that text. I’m not sure if my thoughts are relevant or helpful, but I thought that I might share them anyway...

I think it’s good to cry, in fact, I would go as far as saying it can be healthy to honour our pain. I feel there’s a lot to grieve...your marriage and the associated dreams and hopes you once had. So, yes, it’s okay to cry...

I agree with you that there’s no such thing as a perfect upbringing. I feel children can be more resilient than us adults realise. I feel the most important thing for children is to feel loved and nurtured, and love doesn’t only come in the form of a nuclear family unit.

Love comes from single parents, divorced parents, unmarried parents, blended families, adoption, loving legal guardians, aunts and uncles who raise their siblings’ children, etc. In your case, I feel you clearly have more than enough love to give your son 🙂 He’s going to be okay...he has you...

Thinking of you today...

Pepper

[38yearold]

Thank you Pepper!

That was a lovely message. You seem to be reading my mind with everything you said.

I didn’t sleep last night, just with the anxiety of the future hanging over me. But no doubt that is normal.

So much has happened in the last 3 weeks, it’s been intense and emotional.

Thank you for your support x

[IsaJett]

Hi 38 year old

my thoughts are with you today ...and through the Christmas season. Do remember that it gets better ..I know my split happen around Christmas too ..it’s very tough ...but know that you are better for it . It’s the worse thing trying to make a relationship work on your own .

it really does emotionally drain you ..so it’s a good thing that it’s finalised and you know ,...Please believe me when I say you will be better but the thing is ....( which I struggled with you too ) is that you have to allow yourself to feel better and trust that you are now indeed in a better place .Your son will cope ..kids are more resilient than we think . I explain to my son and we are stronger than ever before . I told him it wasn’t easy to split but it was necessary and that it was not his fault and just adult stuff .

If you cry it out ..u feel better ...I remember I wept lots....pillow all soaked ...eyes all swollen ....but then u feel so much better ...so feel free to let it out as it’s normal ..it’s like a grieving process ..be kind to yourself ..and be your own best friend ,be sad be angry be anythimg you feel ..it’s perfectly normal but always remember it will start to get better ..it’s the natural process...when there is an ending to something ....there will be a beginning ...that’s life processes .

my thoughts are with you 🙂

stay well

[38yearold]

Hi all,

So still going through a range of emotions. It’s like riding a wave.

I cry for an hour or two most days and then sometimes I am on top of the world. I am trying to honour my feelings and if I am feeling sad I will go into the shower (away from my little boy) and just cry.

Is this normal?