My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

[38yearold]

Hi all,

So my wife told me 8 days ago she isn’t in love with me anymore. We have booked some immediate counselling sessions, but she is cold, uninterested and won’t let me in.

We have a 5 year old boy. The consequences will be huge for him and financially as well.

I have been through so many emotions, fear, depression, anxiety and anger.

Not sure what to do. Looking for some guidance and support from you the community.

Many thanks in advance.

[38yearold]

Thank you everyone for the support, it means a lot!

We have our second counselling session today. I am predicting it to go badly as I think a lot of stuff will come out.

I will update you all tomorrow.

The support means a lot!

[Doolhof]

Sometimes the hard stuff has to be said, the bad goes with the good and muck can be flung before restoration happens!

All the best!

[Birdy77]

Hello 38yearold,

I was just wondering how you are, how things are going, and how things went with the 2nd counselling session.

We're here to support you if you need to unpack your feelings.

I hope you are ok.

🌻birdy

[Doolhof]

Hi, I too hope you are doing okay.

This time of year can put a lot of pressure on people regardless if you are having relationship issues or not.

Hope you can find ways to look after yourself in all of this!

Cheers from Dools

[38yearold]

Hi Birdy.

Thank you for checking in on me. So the second counselling session was hard. She said her head is telling her to stay with me, but her gut says it’s over.

The counsellor was great and explained to us with our personality types how we got to this stage.

I have since moved out with my little boy, we are currently staying with my sister in Brisbane. He loves being with his cousins and he is my main priority. We are giving my wife space to make her choice. It is out of my control now and I have begun planning for the worst. The counsellor has asked her to see my wife by herself on Monday, so that should reveal a lot.

It is really difficult at this time of year especially, but like I said, it’s all about my boy at this stage.

Thank you to everyone for the support, it really means a lot.

I will keep you all updated x

[bmacca64]

Hi 38yearold, I can assure you are not alone in this. I am going through the exact same situation with my wife of three years whom I love unconditionally. She gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore", "you're my best friend but I feel as though we are housemates" lines as well. Fortunately we don't have children to get caught up in this mess. My wife has moved out but in a positive move she has suggested that she might move back in next week but "into the spare room first and see how it goes." I do see and speak to her regularly and she has come around for dinner twice in the past week but I keep getting mixed signals, one day she will kiss me on the lips and hug me and the next it's a turn of the head and "you can kiss my forehead." She has bipolar and is on depression medication and mood stabilisers so I just put these changes down to her not knowing what is going on in her head. She even said to me "you can't get into my head so you don't know how confusing it is." I want her to get better, preferably as a part of our marriage but if I had to choose between our marriage and her being healthy, I'll put her welfare first every time.

She has booked tickets for us to go to the movies tomorrow night in a positive move.

We too saw a marriage counsellor but my wife wasn't too much into it and all she kept repeating was "he's my best mate and I want him in my life forever but I'm not in love with him anymore."

I have been seeing a psychologist to help me process it all. It has been a great help.

I'm telling you all this to let you know that you don't feel as though you are alone. All I can say 38yearold is to make sure you take care of your own mental health for the sake of yourself and your son.

[38yearold]

Thank you bmacca64 for your story. I had no idea how common this sort of thing was before I started talking openly about it. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been through marriage counselling, every single one of my friends has been through it, but never spoke about it until I did.

Most of their issues were around cheating and the majority of them are still together. Mine is a little bit different as it involves my wife completely disconnecting.

As you said, I have to look after my own well-being. I too have my threshold which I am approaching. I can’t wait for her forever, but at the same time, she doesn’t need an ultimatum at this point.

Thanks for your story.

Look after yourself!

[38yearold]

Hi everyone,

So today I am feeling a lot calmer and I feel like I am thinking a lot more clearly about things.

My feelings are these at the moment and would like some feedback as to whether these feelings are normal:

1. Anger as to the way I have been treated.

2. Doubts, I am actually doubting whether I want to go back into the relationship.

3. Beginning to plan for the next relationship. I feel guilty for this as I have been in a relationship for 12 years and I am already googling relationship websites and planning on how to meet new women.

4. Fear, of potentially going on dates and trying to meet new people. I don’t even know how to talk to women anymore!!!!!!

Are these feelings normal??

THANKS TEAM!

[bmacca64]

Hi 38yearold. In my humble opinion your feelings are 100% normal as I am having exactly the same feelings.

1. Anger as I know I have done nothing wrong except love my wife unconditionally and it feels as though at every turn she sticks a metaphorical dagger in my heart. It seems two steps forward then two steps back and we end up in the same place we started.

2. Doubts. Yep, after one failed marriage (she skipped off with her first boyfriend who she reconnected with after 26 years) and another looking very shaky, I am growing very cynical on relationships. Also the dark part of my mind wonders why would anyone want to spend time with a two time loser!

3. I hate being alone. The physical and emotional closeness of another human being is what I crave. Even though I say this episode has made me cynical of relationship I do crave affection.

4. Fear, yes the fear of rejection or even worse the fear of meeting someone and then it ending up the same way. That is always in the back of my mind. I always thought I could trust my current wife 100% and that she loved me as much as I do (I still do) her.

Anyway they are my thoughts and I think your feelings are normal, unless of course my feelings are abnormal too!

[Burdy]

Hi 38yrold

And thank you for the update, it's nice to hear how you are going.

In answer to your questios:

1. Is perfectly normal and understandable. Anger is part of the grieving process.

2. Is also understandable, you have been through alot of emotions and events, none of which have been by your choice or control. You have been hurt and it is understandable that you would have reservations of putting yourself in a position to be hurt again. I think maybe your security and trust has copped a hit which relates to number 1.

3 and 4. Are part of moving on (which may have to do with number 2.) I think the timing in which you move on only you can answer whether you are ready to explore meeting new people.

But I don't believe you should feel guilty about it. Maybe it is a sign that you are ready to move forward.

Others may have some better insight and advice, these are just my thoughts

Keep us updated

Burdy