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My wife told me she isn’t in love with me anymore

Community Member

Hi all,

So my wife told me 8 days ago she isn’t in love with me anymore. We have booked some immediate counselling sessions, but she is cold, uninterested and won’t let me in.

We have a 5 year old boy. The consequences will be huge for him and financially as well.

I have been through so many emotions, fear, depression, anxiety and anger.

Not sure what to do. Looking for some guidance and support from you the community.

Many thanks in advance.

42 Replies 42

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi 38yearold,

I’m so sorry to hear that. You must be feeling so heartbroken and devastated...

As you said, you’ve been through a whirlwind of mixed emotions, and no wonder too...it’s heartwrenching news for you and your 5 year old boy...

I think it’s very brave that you booked in some counselling though. Is it okay if I ask whether it’s something you plan to continue long-term? Maybe with a bit of time (and more counselling), your wife will open up a bit more...

My thoughts are with you today....


Thank you so much Pepper.

I am in no doubt I want to continue the relationship, I see a future with my wife and will do whatever it takes to fix the issues.

However, that seems out of my control, my wife is distant, won't kiss me, won't cuddle in bed, she has a wall built all the way around her and I can't get in.

She is clearly depressed herself, and has been for a long time, but is resistant to seek help.

I have tried flowers, massages and sweet messages. All of those things made it worse and she pulled back even more. It is extremely hard as I don't know what she wants and whether she sees a long term future. We have been together for 12 years.

Just trying to take a day at a time......

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi 38 year old

welcome to this post and I feel like I like I can relate how u feel ..but it be different .

I was with the husband ...a super long time .,together 24 years ..but that doesn’t change anything for u ..but here’s what might help u ...

i thought my world would end ..it would halt ..my kid would suffer and all that ..i felt carpet under me was being ripped off . I just was lost in darkness.

but months later after split ...I felt way way better . I made the decision to end it ..cos put simply I just couldn’t handle it anymore ..mine was involving an affair .

i know u r doing counselling etc ..I almost pushed for counselling only to have him sit in there with his arms folded ..saying how much he wants to be with this other woman . I’m like ..oh that’s just bloody awesome .

u know ..I felt my heart ripped out and stumped on ...and then put in the mincer ....

so now I realise that I was so hard on the idea of not losing him ..I lost myself completely ..my pride my ego all down the drain ...I allowed myself to be a carpet he wiped his dirty feet on . The thing that pulled me through was my son ...I was not emotionally there for my son ...I could not get myself out of bed to take him to school ...and that’s when I somehow miraculously pushed through my grave and was reborn ,

that is my story ...I hope u know that as much as the situation sucks so badly right now .,it will definitely get bettter ..it always does ....it’s the universe workings ..don’t ask me how ..

my Pyschologist said that to me ,.and I thought she was just saying it to make me feel better ...but she wasn’t ...lol

it does get better .. love hurts ...but it hurt less when u learn about the art of letting go . Letting go really isn’t such a bad thing ,

the fear of letting go is what is creating the chaos ...pay attention to that ..and u see it will change your perspective . I hope this helps you . Well wishes .

stay well ...I remember doing yoga helped me ..and meditation talk down videos by Jason Stephenson I hope this can help u too ..search him up on YouTube ,,u get some clarity and know how to move forward ,and some much needed sleep

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear 38yearold,

What a world of hurt you must be in right now. I'm really sorry to hear of what's happened.

As your wife is pulling back from the physical contact and romance, this could be a symptom of her depression as much as anything else, and maybe holding back from the cuddles, etc might be on the cards just for now.

Have you been able to have a proper talk yet, about how you can forward? Falling "out of love" can be pretty common, but there are ways back to a loving life together ... I'm wondering if you've been able to have discussions based around how you can get back to where you once were, or finding new ground to build a new, stronger bond of love.

If not, this could be something the counsellor could help you with?

Breaking up is a massive thing to do, especially when it's only wanted on one side ... I really hope your wife is able to at least consider some different ways of rebuilding the love, it's got to be worth a try?

Like lovely Pepper, you are in my thoughts today too.


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Sorry IsaJett,

your post was not there when I was replying to 38yearold.

I did not mean to not acknowledge your post. You tell a courageous story of rebirth and hope.

Thank you for sharing your story from a hopeful and positive perspective.


Hi 38 year old,

I'm just wanting to offer you a sense of support and to let you know that people here do care. You have received some great responses.

I too hope the counselling will provide answers and solutions.

I'm also wondering if your boy has any inclination as to what is happening between the two of you. It may be important to reinforce how much he is loved and cared for. Children can be very perceptive even if they don't understand what is happening.

Is your wife receiving any help and assistance with her depression?

It does sound like you have tried many things to show her how much you care.

Wish you all the best.

Cheers from Dools

Thank you for you response it really was helpful.

Yes she used the old analogy that "she loves me, but isn't in love with me". She also says she feels like we are more flat mates raising a child rather than lovers, which is true and I can see where she is coming from.

At the moment our little boy is priority number 1 and he has no idea anything is going on, which is great. I am spending a lot of time with him making sure he is cared for, trying to keep myself sane, but my wife I can not help. She is resistant to me and anything I try. Like I said before I am just giving her space and telling her I will be there if she needs me.

My wife has been to the GP twice and was not prescribed anti-depressants. The GP said because she knows the cause of her depression that is different than being sad for no reason. As for other assistance, only the councillor we are seeing tomorrow for our second session.

Her moods over the past 8 days have been extremely unpredictable, on Monday she stated she wanted to try and work things out; however, on Tuesday she said she thinks she is done.

So I am still in the dark as to what she wants. Hopefully the counselling will make things clearer.

Thank you for the support. It really helps.

Hi 38yearold (and a wave to all your lovely supporters here),

I feel this must be such a confusing and painful time for you. I would think you’re possibly feeling as though you’re walking on eggshells as it’s hard to predict her changing mood/needs...

You sound like a wonderful parent. You’re clearly very devoted and loving. Your son is very lucky to have you in his life.

You clearly also love your wife very much. I admire your willingness to try to work things out...

As beautiful birdy and the other lovely people here have touched on (waves to Isajett, Dools and all), sometimes depression can mean we shut people out. I’m not saying your wife is the same as me, but I definitely have a tendency to do that too when I’m in a bad emotional state. I suppose what I’m saying is sometimes depression means we end up accidentally hurting those we love...

I hope your second counselling session goes well today. If you feel it helps to write here, please feel free to do so and let us know how things progress with your wife and son.

kind thoughts to you today.


Community Member

Hi 38yearold and everyone,

So sorry to hear you are going through this time of confusion and pain. Sounds like you love your wife very much and are doing what you can to support her and your son.

I can not really give any advice more than what others have already but just wanted to say thank you for sharing and please keep using this space to reach out and for support, it is an amazing network of beautiful people.

In other words, as much as you are wonderfully supporting your wife and son don't forget to look after yourself through this as well.

Glad to hear you both have chosen to attend counseling and that it helps you both to work through this as a family and individually.

Things may get worse before they get better but they will always get better, no matter the outcome.