Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Dawn Born abandoned - adoption
  • replies: 7

Hi dear reader, I'd like to open with addressing the issue of adoption, abandonment, separation anxiety, trauma, no past memory of a safe place and it goes on. Firstly, I'm new to this site. The first thing that I noticed is a list of disorders and t... View more

Hi dear reader, I'd like to open with addressing the issue of adoption, abandonment, separation anxiety, trauma, no past memory of a safe place and it goes on. Firstly, I'm new to this site. The first thing that I noticed is a list of disorders and the causes of them on the homepage. What greatly concerns me is that there is NOTHING on there which mentions adoption nor addresses the issues of which adoptees face which is not that different from that of other trauma "victims". With the recent federal apology and the collective voices becoming louder, I would hope to see that this issue IS being acknowledged at the least and addressed and there is some sort of support out here for us. I was adopted at birth, am 43, female and would really like to see some support. I have managed to scroll through to about page 5 and not found anything to assist with this issue. I might point out, that this type of trauma is a specialised trauma in that it's not relative to every day living (although it is). What I mean by this is that if a person who is not adopted experiences a trauma, they have a memory of pre trauma. In other words, as I recently heard it, if you're driving along the highway to work, the same route every day, on one day you are involved in an accident on that highway. From then on you avoid that highway to avoid another accident but you have a memory of what it was like to safely drive on it prior to the accident which is something you can fall back on. For an adopted person this is not the case. There is no pre trauma memory therefore an adopted person is born into trauma, anxiety, separation, wounding - the one source of sensing, knowing the world is safe, its mother, is taken from them. This has a life long impact and varies in degrees. Of course what follows in a persons life also adds to this trauma. There are extremely limited helpers out there for this type of person yet these practices occurred 4+ decades ago (if we take this type of adoption to the early 70s). Help is LONG overdue and if there are any counsellors or assistance out there for this type of PTSD please make yourselves known to us via Beyondblue! Thankyou for reading

Kurto87 Adoption - abandonment issues?
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I am new to this forum, it was suggested to me by another member as a great source of support. I was given up for adoption as a baby in November 1987 in Western Australia, and adopted into an amazing home the following February with wonderful... View more

Hi all, I am new to this forum, it was suggested to me by another member as a great source of support. I was given up for adoption as a baby in November 1987 in Western Australia, and adopted into an amazing home the following February with wonderful parents and siblings in a stable and supportive environment. My parents informed me of my adoption at the age of 12, although they were strongly advised against ever doing this back in 1987. Over the years, although it often visited my thoughts, I rarely questioned it; not because my parents were secretive or offended by it, I suppose I lacked interest until I reached my early to mid 20's. I decided to track down and make contact with my biological family in 2010, which I must say was a efficient and very positive experience for me. I have no complaints and am certainly very lucky to have two supportive families in my life now. My mental health issues lie primarily with relationships, and the (often constant) fear or abandonment. I have drifted in and out of relationships since the age of 17, some I've ended, most they have ended. I am currently in a very positive loving relationship with my partner of 12 months who I absolutely adore. However emotional/psychological patterns are emerging that I recognise from previous relationships and I'm terrified these will have a detrimental impact on my current relationship. - I feel that I am not good enough for her, and constantly question myself "Why does she love me? Is this even possible? Why would anyone?" - I overreact to small things that are insignificant to most other people. - I am jealous of her total "togetherness" while I feel like a mess inside - I constantly seek reassurance that we are ok, I look for it rather than ask for it from her as I do not want to appear 'needy'. - I feel like I am a needy person in a relationship and I feel that this is unacceptable and unattractive - I am offended when she needs her own time away from me, and I also jump to conclusions that "this must be the end of us then" - I mention breaking up occasionally when I am frustrated in the attempt to spark a "we are ok" reaction from her that desperately need (this always backfires!). It feels as if I am beating her to the chase in breaking up kind of thing almost. These symptoms are recurrent, in every relationships, and appear to be un-triggered. I am currently seeing a psychologist to assist me in dealing with these issues. Just chasing some support I suppose.

Unloved84 I feel worthless and disgusting
  • replies: 2

I'm pretty independent and didn't really date much in the last few years, due to being busy travelling and having fun. I've always had issues with the way I looked, and felt bad about myself, despite people telling me I'm very attractive.I met Luke o... View more

I'm pretty independent and didn't really date much in the last few years, due to being busy travelling and having fun. I've always had issues with the way I looked, and felt bad about myself, despite people telling me I'm very attractive.I met Luke on a dating website a few months ago, I joined as my friends urged me on and I just had a few chats with people who I can't even remember now. I started talking to Luke, he seemed nice enough and we had things in common.i didn't even want to go on the date, as most dates I've been on from the app have been boring and awkward. But as soon as he walked into the cafe I was smitten. We talked for four hours and he was just amazing. We had six dates over two months (due to work, him being away etc) have been sexually active together.He was the first guy in years that I wanted to be with. I was willing to give up my time for him, her petty much had all the qualities I was looking for. But when he got back from his holidays he was changed, colder and not that interested. I have started to fall for him, so it wrecked me. After our sixth date I was sick of him being cold and I messaged him and long story short, he does not feel the way I do, because it's all him and he is dealing with many personal issues at the moment and can't be a good boyfriend.He suggested we meet in a few weeks again, but I have not heard a word from him. I feel stupid, pathetic and like I'm the most repulsive person ever. My studying has suffered, I've lost weight and just want to cry. I try and drag myself out to see friends etc but I just feel sad. I have good and bad days. He seemed so keen and we were so good together. Same sense of humour, loved the same movies, animals and places to travel, we had similar goals in life and values. I never became clingy or angry, I was always chill but showed him that I was into him, in a healthy way.he himself said he hasn't been himself since his holiday and has been distant for his own reason. Whatever they are. I can't move past this. I feel like why am I not good enough for him ? What so wrong with me that he became like that ? This has made me question everything about myself. I feel like I never want to open myself up again like that. I'm in my thirties and feel like s***. My depression is becoming worse and I can't handle it.

TiredDownOut My illness has adversely affected my partner
  • replies: 4

I am currently feeling terrible guilt over the way my anxiety and depression are affecting my husband. I have been lucky enough to have a very caring and supportive partner for the past 18 years but I know it has taken its toll, particularly this yea... View more

I am currently feeling terrible guilt over the way my anxiety and depression are affecting my husband. I have been lucky enough to have a very caring and supportive partner for the past 18 years but I know it has taken its toll, particularly this year. We recently made the decision to move house as I hated where we were living and couldn't stand it any longer for various reasons . But my husband is ADF (Australian Defence Force) and we were living in a Defence managed property. Over 4 years we asked for help to move due to the affect on my mental health issues - they couldn't care less, it meant nothing to them. As there is no avenue for complaint my husband had to apply through his chain-of-command, so now all his work colleagues know about his 'crazy wife'. So we decided to move into a private rental at our own expense. We had the Defence house professionally cleaned but at inspection yesterday Defence Housing Australia told my husband it was not up to standards. They want us to pay $1,000 to have it re-cleaned. The reasons? There are streaks on the windows, a fly spot on the ceiling, spot cleaning the walls was not enough - the entire wall space has to be cleaned. Now it is my husband who is on the verge of a breakdown and Defence could not care less. So one of the largest employers in this country really could not care less about mental health of it's employees or their families. My husband had tried his best to look after the well being of his family and now he is suffering for it. I don't know what to do.

butterfly2 Sister issues
  • replies: 2

My 13 year old sister has been showing signs of depression, but its more anger and frustration than feeling teary. But I don't know whether it's a teen thing or whether it's something more. How do you tell? It's been going on for a few months, but I ... View more

My 13 year old sister has been showing signs of depression, but its more anger and frustration than feeling teary. But I don't know whether it's a teen thing or whether it's something more. How do you tell? It's been going on for a few months, but I dont want her to think she should go see someone if if it's not anything too serious. I want to help her, but like a typical teen, she blocks everyone out. What can I do to help?

SandyG How do I get past that my Fiance cheated on me
  • replies: 4

Hello, I have been having a sad few days, having a bit of trouble getting back on track this time. I found out at the end of May this year my Fiance had been in contact with a fling he had when we were taking a relationship break during 2012. We got ... View more

Hello, I have been having a sad few days, having a bit of trouble getting back on track this time. I found out at the end of May this year my Fiance had been in contact with a fling he had when we were taking a relationship break during 2012. We got back together late 2012. We got engaged 2012 and bought a house together two years ago, living together. He has 3 children by two previous wives and I have two teenagers that live with us from a previous marriage. When I found out about her I was naturally deeply devastated, I explicitly trusted him. It turned out she is married, has been scamming her husband and several other men, she only wanted money and gifts from all of these men, told my fiance a complete life story of lies. He developed feelings of compassion, and love for her over these years, they were telling each other they loved each other. He was working towards leaving me to be with her May. I felt something was wrong in our relationship, that is why I started snooping around. When I confronted him May the cover ups and lies started, but he confessed then ended things with her; her marriage was blown to pieces and consequently our relationship has suffered. In a moment of time I went from explicitly trusting my Fiance to suddenly seeing a different person and not trusting him at all. Over the last 3 weeks I have received information from her husband of a phone account. I asked my Fiance about it and he came up with a crazy story of IT hacking etc etc and use without him knowing of which I don't believe, he had created that phone account so she could freely make calls to him and this account was created at the time I found about their "affair". He told me that he chooses me, never slept with her, he was falling in love with her but regrets it all, feels stupid, used and remorseful, terrible he has broken our trust, he said he ended it with her mid June this year and severed ties then, he said he wants me forever and will never do this again, he will be true, loyal and will love me better than he has. I don't know how to get past this sadness and insecurity to gain trust again. When I try to talk to him he will only talk about it for a short time then shuts me down and wont talk, he tells me he loves me and hates it when these things pop up where I need to talk about it; as far as he is concerned it is in the past, he has paid penance and wants us to forget etc. I would greatly appreciate any advice. Kind regards, Sandy

Kayaking I'm really frustrated at my partners mother
  • replies: 5

My partner's mother is an alcoholic and is a self absorbed person that only cares about things if it's about her. We were at a family event and she picked me out to take a photo of the family. She kept saying ".... I want a family photo. You have to ... View more

My partner's mother is an alcoholic and is a self absorbed person that only cares about things if it's about her. We were at a family event and she picked me out to take a photo of the family. She kept saying ".... I want a family photo. You have to take the photo," even though I was the furthest away from from everyone and there were others closer to her that weren't family to take the photo. My partner and I just recently bought a house and she still has not acknowledged it to either of us. My partner tried to call her and she wouldn't answer him. He eventually got in contact with his dad but she has still not said a thing to us. My partner's brother just bought a house after us and she was excitedly talking to him and his girlfriend about their house at aa family gathering in front of us. I haven't done anything to her and she really makes me feel anxious if I know I have to be in the same place as her. I'm really upset about this that I feel that I hate everything about him and his family and that everything is a huge mistake. I don't have my own mother around as she passed away almost 4 years ago, and I don't have anybody to be proud of what I do. I just hate everything.

Mclamber Partner has problems - what should I do?
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I'm a newby.My partner and I have been together for 7 years & with live with my 2 boys 14 & 16. My partner has not been diagnosed but is clearly suffering from anxiety and possibly depression. He tends to self medicate with alcohol, which can... View more

Hi all, I'm a newby.My partner and I have been together for 7 years & with live with my 2 boys 14 & 16. My partner has not been diagnosed but is clearly suffering from anxiety and possibly depression. He tends to self medicate with alcohol, which can end up in "you don't love me", "life is so hard" crying, but usually just makes him slightly annoying. Over the 7 years I have visited this site often to learn more about what I can do and have suggested many, many times that he talks to someone - I even got him to call the helpline on this site once, but the advice given was that he goes to see someone & he either does not believe it will help or is too scared to go (he also avoids doctors/hospitals wherever possible).He can be the most wonderful man, but is often SO negative & caught up in his own mind that he can be unkind without meaning to be (I hope!) and it is really wearing me down. He will hang on to grudges for years about things like TV shows and food. I am generally an optimistic, lucky feeling person and I don't think that I am in danger of mental health issues, but I am so tired of always having to be careful of what I say and putting up with his passive aggressive comments, and I am actually worried that my children's lives are worse for having known him.He told me one drunken night that he prepared a suicide method after we had a fight. I feel like it is entirely my responsibility to make sure he is OK - that he can do and say really hurtful, negative things but I can't say anything because he will "sulk" (I can't think of another way to describe it) for 3 or 4 days. It almost feels like he has a free pass to behave badly.I have tried getting him to talk to me about his problems, but when he does speak it is usually about how awful his life is - his life that he shares with me - and that I love! It is so hard not to take it like a slap in the face. When I ask how I can help he says "just be kind to me", which I try my best to do - except it doesn't seem to be a 2 way thing and I end up feeling angry that because of his problems he can be unkind but no matter how I feel I always have to take the high road.This sounds like an awful selfish rant I know, and I would not consider leaving him as I love him very much and he is a good man. But he needs help and I don't know how to get him any, and I don't know if I can be the supportive person in our relationship for the rest of my life. What should I do?

PatrickP Resentful regret
  • replies: 5

I am 55 years old, married for 30 years, 33 years together with my wife of the same age (55). My wife was beautifully attractive girl, a natural blonde with model looks, as young guys tend to rate girl's attractiveness now days numerically, she was a... View more

I am 55 years old, married for 30 years, 33 years together with my wife of the same age (55). My wife was beautifully attractive girl, a natural blonde with model looks, as young guys tend to rate girl's attractiveness now days numerically, she was a 10 and she's still very attractive for her age, so when meeting her at 22 years old, a smoking hot blonde and a nice person is a pretty easy combination to fall in love with and marry without too much over analysis of our sexual compatibility. Despite her stunning looks, she was never particularly sexual and was something I guess I always hoped would improve over time, but typically after the first couple of years of marriage, sex for her was always a drama, an obligation and "duty" sex was about the extent of it no matter what I ever did to try and make it better, it was only temporary improvement if that. The "talk" we must have had 100 times over the years to the point that talking about sex ended up off the table as it usually resulted in an argument and then I was pressuring her and I gave up eventually and concentrated on things I liked in life and I withdrew from her a bit emotionally. I can that our marriage is fundamentally pretty good except for the sex and deprivation of intimate connectedness that I feel. About a year ago, I started to feel resentful towards her for what feels like wasting my life away persevering with marriage to a woman of emotional and intimate frigidity and romanticising about how my life would have been with someone of greater warmth, sexual compatibility and desire to be emotionally connected, the type of relationship I really wanted. The purposes of my post is asking for advice how to stop receiving pleasure from upsetting her? I feel she needs to suffer a bit from her relentless necessity to remain emotionally and intimately distant. She said the other day how nasty I am to her if she disagrees with me and my answer to that was; perhaps if one of the 100 "talks' we had over the years made an impression for change, I may have wanted to be nicer to her now. What disturbs me is getting pleasure from being nasty to her, in the sense that; well, this is the repercussion of your intimate management ideologies of our relationship. How on earth is emotional and intimate distance envisaged to optimally nourish a marriage?

thisperson Whenever I ask my partner for emotional support he has a panic attack and I end up taking care of him.
  • replies: 7

I have been with my husband for 3 years after meeting in highschool. I am on the autistic spectrum (formerly Asperger's Syndrome) and have ADHD. I am also somewhat depressed. My partner also has his own psychological issues including depression and h... View more

I have been with my husband for 3 years after meeting in highschool. I am on the autistic spectrum (formerly Asperger's Syndrome) and have ADHD. I am also somewhat depressed. My partner also has his own psychological issues including depression and high levels of anxiety. I have always been a supportive husband and have never judged my partner for requiring significantly more care than I do, but recently I have been going through a patch of depression. I am currently seeing a therapist for my conditions and for the most part have been able to manage my symptoms without needing any assistance from my partner. But every now and then (mostly recently) I have needed and asked for support from my partner, which he claims to be willing to provide. But as soon as I try to open up he will have a panic attack and I end up taking care of him. I understand that he has a lot more issues than I do and requires more emotional support, but I feel as if I shouldn't be scared of feeling depressed or anxious out of fear of causing him to have a panic attack. Even attempts to discuss this with him either result in panic attack, no matter how delicately I try to put it. I truly love this man. But I am sick of feeling as if my problems do not matter or are less significant than his. What should I do?