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Is seperation / divorce the way to go re: my problem

mr1
Community Member
We have been through a rough trot lately. I couldn't perform in bed causing her to question many things and it fell at a time where we had been trying to conceive too . I had this problem when I was younger but when the signs were there I didn't tell her and I was too embarrassed to tell my GP causing my wife to go into depression mode. We argued everday over stupid things. Eventually, she did some searching and gave me the courage to see my GP regarding my testosterone levels. In return she asked I read up about this problem as I wasn't the only one in that boat but that I also read the section about what the women go through too when their partners have this problem. I read it but did nothing and her depression has gotton worse. That last week she reminded me that I have never bought her a present in all the years of been married and that for once she would like something . I swear this year I wanted to get her something but with catching up with friends and work I forgot. She knew I hadn't got her anything but said nothing all day. This morning the meds worked just a little but she didn't want to get intimate and just pushed me away. She said its not about the sex that I needed to think of her once in a while.

In the morning she told me its over and to get out. She said she had enough of doing everything for our relationship and me not lifting my game. That I had time to go out with friends all week but didn't have time to buy her something with the depression she is going through a surprise of some sort even a flower from out the front would have been nice. My ego got the better of me I know it wasn't her fault and that I always have to get my way but I love her.
What do I do ? I tried speaking to her but she doesn't want to talk she said I had many chances to fix the issue at hand but didn't and to leave her alone. She said she could deal with the intimacy issue as it was a medical problem and that is wasn't my fault but she couldn't deal with me not seeing what she is going through knowing I have this issue. And that now it wasn't only what I was going threw with my testosterone levels but that her depression has grown because our chances for a child are no 0.

I love her and don't want to leave her but what do I do know to save my marriage. She is stubborn and I know a gift is not the way to go. Help....
5 Replies 5

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome.

From what you've explained I can see very clearly where you have gone wrong.

You haven't nurtured your marriage. Your self confessed admission that you joined your mates and "forgot" about a gift for her is evident of her not being number one in your eyes.

She mentioned you could have picked her a flower out of the garden....I do this all the time. Why aren't you treating her like a princess?? A handpicked flower is the world to a lady.

" I read it but did nothing and her depression has gotton worse"....what do you expect?

If you have medical issues DO something about it. You wouldn't be the first man that needs viagra .

The only thing you can do now is show remorse, find her some flowers, lots if them and promise to a/ seek help from a GP and b/ suggest attending counselling.

Tony WK

pipsy
Community Member

Hi mr1. I suggest you contact relationships Australia. They have excellent counselors who can teach you to communicate. Lack of knowing how to communicate seems to be the main issue here. Just telling her constantly you love her is no longer sufficient, she needs to see how she fits in with you. It's nice when the men in our lives surprise us, taking us out for dinner, just spending time together, rebuilding the love etc. Her depression over not being able to conceive will be quite overpowering. Women are told from early childhood that marriage/children etc are what life is all about. When a woman who desperately wants children is told she may never have one, her whole reason for living can be affected. This is when she needs emotional support and her hubby, to her, is her main support. At the moment sex means children, so why bother? Contact relationships Australia, they can teach you how to show her the love. She needs to know she is still desirable, she needs reassurance that you still and always will love her.

Lynda

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello, whether you want to go relationship counselling as suggest by Tony and Lynda is up to you, but it's a good idea.
She doesn't feel any love comimg from you, and maybe this is the reason why you are not able to perform in the bedroom and whether or not you're had this before then it should have been addressed by you.
By always wanting to get your way is also a way of not showing her any love, same as going out with your mates taking priority over loving her, and now she as told you to get out, it will take more than a bunch of flowers to make her change her mind, sorry mate, just seeing it as it is.
Women need to be loved, that's the first thing they always want, and when it's not shown then you have 'buckles and none', they need to feel the love from their partner/spouse and it can be shown in various ways, but that depends on what she loves to have as they are all different. Geoff.

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Mr1

Well you are in a pickle. The previous replies are full of good advice and I suggest you put the advice into action. I can relate to having a husband who wanted his way all the time. I left him eventually. And here you are in the same situation. I find it hard to understand how you can prefer the company of your mates to that of your wife. Yes a night out with the boys is great fun, but not at the expense of your marriage.

It seems to me from your post that there is more going on here than neglect of your wife and ignoring her needs, both physical and emotional. You seem to prefer the company of other men. Is this the root cause of your impotence and neglect. You have told us this is an old problem and you have not taken steps to change this, so I wonder if you simply don't want to change and find living your own way suits you, no matter what the consequences for your wife.

Have you considered going to counselling? I think it would help you to understand yourself much better. Your wife has a straight forward problem, depression. We all know how horrible this is but your wife can get help so I think you should encourage her to do this and support her through the process. You have more complex issues which you are trying to hide from yourself. This need to be in control of everything is not an attractive trait. How did you get to be like this? Get a referral from your GP to see either a psychologist or psychiatrist. And if you want to save your marriage, then do it soon. Otherwise you are simply 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'.

I hope you want to continue this conversation on BB because I think you will find it helpful.

Mary

gld
Community Member

Hi mr1,

We are all different with our emotions, although i feel men understand men better and women understand women better on a whole. Communication as well as being an active listener are very good skills to work on to bridge that emotional gap between men and women.

I feel there are no quick fix answers to your situation and it could take some communication skills to be put into play. By your post it seems your wife could be hurting on a few issues for sometime. Have you told her how you feel about her, how you need her in your life and that you could need some guidance from time to time.

It takes two to win a doubles match and this goes for good working relationships. I am sure if you sat down with a loving couple who have been together for the long hall their reply could help you. My Grandparents were together for over fifty years and i feel they grew closer together as the years went by and they supported each other through the difficult patches.

Keep your communication open and honest. We all need to feel we are needed as well as having our positives acknowledged from time to time.

Gen