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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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buxomshadow Time to permanently distance myself from my last toxic relative? [Trigger Warning: abuse]
  • replies: 5

My brother and I are in our 50s. We had an extremely abusive childhood, ending in our father's suicide when we were young teens. I copped most of the abuse from our mother. He was the GC. I was old enough to leave home but being 17, she needed me to ... View more

My brother and I are in our 50s. We had an extremely abusive childhood, ending in our father's suicide when we were young teens. I copped most of the abuse from our mother. He was the GC. I was old enough to leave home but being 17, she needed me to rort her pension. I was always a convenience to her. By the time I was 40, I'd had enough of her N, self-serving abuse to last a lifetime. 13 years ago the abuse reverted back to physical. And sexual, again. I walked away, lest I hurt her in turn. DB stuck around because he has kids. In the last two years, DB has tried to kill us both while driving on two occasions. He won't allow his children to thank me for sending them gifts so I haven't gifted them for years. I'm old school and believe in thanks but he said I just want to furnish my ego. I've had breast cancer, twice, in the last 12 months but because I didn't need chemo (just rads) he thinks I am OK. He has always been ashamed of me and never introduces me to friends he runs into. I do that! People are amazed that I am his sister but he is embarrassed. This has gone on since he married up to middle-class and his now ex-wife poisoned him against me. His new wife hates me but it doesn't stop my brother from telling me about their amazing sex life. He also perved on me in the shower, telling me how I am not as pretty as people say I am. I've had no well-wishes from his family at all. They don't know what I have been through, nor do they know that I will have a double mastectomy before the end of the year. I don't want him around by then. I am literally sick of his constant passive-aggressive criticism of my life and of me. He is feeding off my cancer like it is a novelty. He fled from our mother a year ago and a few weeks later, while we were driving in the city, he tore me to pieces on the way to my radiotherapy appt, telling me I am just like her and to never ever compare him to her. I turned up at the clinic in tears. The problem is, he is just as N and hateful as she is. Now I find out he received a cut of our grandfather's inheritance 12 years ago and he insists I get my cut. He never told me of this at the time. I'm too sick to confront our mother about the money, which I sorely need. It is how she wants it, anyway. I'm quietly doing my own research in order to get it without having to see her at all. To me, this is DV and I need to get away regardless of the nature of our relationship. Rant over. Opinions?

AnnaaaBelleee Where to from here?
  • replies: 2

A couple of nights ago my husband told me that he no longer knew what he wanted. He told me he was done and that he just wanted to be alone because he didn't know how he felt about anything anymore and felt trapped at home. There was no real trigger ... View more

A couple of nights ago my husband told me that he no longer knew what he wanted. He told me he was done and that he just wanted to be alone because he didn't know how he felt about anything anymore and felt trapped at home. There was no real trigger other than a discussion we had had the night prior. I told him that I felt like he wasn't making time for our kids and our relationship. He walked out with a packed bag and I haven't heard from him since. I'm now juggling work, caring for our two kids and everything else. I feel so lost and so sad. I don't know if he's coming back. I don't know what i should do from here. I want to be respectful of the space he has demanded but on the other hand, things got hard and he just left. And here I am with the pieces completely confused about what happens now. Please tell me what you would do in this scenario.

ProDude How do you cope with an verbally/emotionally abusive father?
  • replies: 1

Im in my early 20s living at home and my dad has always been a nightmare to deal with. In trying to understand my dad's toxic behaviour, Ive been able to conclude that he has severe narcissistic tendencies and aspergers syndrome. On the narcissistic ... View more

Im in my early 20s living at home and my dad has always been a nightmare to deal with. In trying to understand my dad's toxic behaviour, Ive been able to conclude that he has severe narcissistic tendencies and aspergers syndrome. On the narcissistic side, I would describe my dad as someone who has a complete lack of empathy for other people. He has an inflated sense of self and thinks he's better than everyone (until someone else proves to be in which he tears them down). He cannot take responsibility for his actions and will always blame something or someone else for his failings (including quitting his job as the sole bread winner in a fit of rage while supporting a family, and subsequently blaming everyone else when we almost became destitute). He is uncompromising and will fly into a rage as soon as anything doesnt go his way or there is stress in the system. He has jealousy problems and takes great delight in the misfortunes and tragedies of other people. On the autism side, my dad cannot cope with changes to his set routine. The most minor thing such as someone knocking at the door while he's getting ready to go out somewhere will completely throw his whole day off. He constantly rubs people the wrong way. He obsesses over the same topics for day/weeks/months (which usually consists of criticising something or someone, or reliving the pleasure of someone elses misfortune repeatedly). He also often doesnt listen to people but becomes quite intense in conversation. He also shares the same behaviours as his father, who has been officially diagnosed with aspergers. In addition to these, my dad is also very emotionally and verbally abusive, particularly towards my mother, but also more generally to strangers. It's really oppressive living at home but I cant afford to leave at the moment. Anyone know how to cope living with this kind of person?

Sallyanne2 Feeling so very sad
  • replies: 5

My situation right now is not my usual life I have. My mum dislocated her prosthetic hip 4 weeks ago and 2 days after that she had a fall and broke her elbow and dislocated it as well on the opposite side to the hip injury. She was in hospital for 10... View more

My situation right now is not my usual life I have. My mum dislocated her prosthetic hip 4 weeks ago and 2 days after that she had a fall and broke her elbow and dislocated it as well on the opposite side to the hip injury. She was in hospital for 10days and has been home for 2 weeks. My dad has enphasema and heart problems so my brother and I took turns to look after him while mum was in hospital. The first night she was in hospital dad had a go at me about not being able to drive (as I don't have a license) and that I'm not much help to my parents because of that. Even though I have done so much for them so that dad didn't have to go into care and he could stay at home as he is on oxygen 24/7 and finds it hard to get around and do things as he is always out of breath. That upset me greatly as I didn't feel that what I was doing was good enough. It took me quite awhile to get over that and I have spoken to my psychologist to help me through it as I was diagnosed with depression 9years ago and still have trouble with feeling loved and accepted. Dad knows what struggle I went through with the depression but he just has no idea how his words make me feel. I love my dad very much and I'm already finding things difficult to deal with as he was only given 12 months to live last year in May. So I'm afraid to loose him but I can't deal with the hurt he aims at me either. Today he told me that I'm not being helpful, that I'm being bossy and telling him to sit back in his chair because he nods off to sleep and has fallen onto the ground many times. We don't need him to break any bones as mum can't look after him as she is his main carer and I'm looking after both of them. I care about him and want what's best for him but he sees it as being bossy. I prepare meals for them atm and he said he wants to be able to cook if he likes, but I feel he has enough to do with cooking it and doing the dishes. That in itself takes him along time to do. So I'm just trying to ease things for him and help where I can. He is not happy that I told him not to drive 2 years ago because I was afraid he would have an accident as he was all over the road and had reversed into a car as well. He just seems to have it in for me and I can't work out why. I have never been disrespectful to him and I'm only trying to make things easier for him and mum. The more I'm doing the less he appreciates it. I just don't know what I should do because if I didn't help he and mum couldn't stay at home.

Man with no name CHASING SUNSHINE
  • replies: 1

Forgive my lack of complete sentences, I really just cbf’d atm. Married 12 years. I haven’t had anyone that I feel i can open up to for probably 10 years so I keep everything to myself. At the moment I’m questioning my marriage because I’m just not h... View more

Forgive my lack of complete sentences, I really just cbf’d atm. Married 12 years. I haven’t had anyone that I feel i can open up to for probably 10 years so I keep everything to myself. At the moment I’m questioning my marriage because I’m just not happy where I am. My work is good and the kids at times can be challenging. She works 2 out of 4 weekends. I enjoy the weekend with only the kids (7 & 10) but it means we’re busy on the other two when she’s home. Low intimacy. No sexual attraction anymore. Few common interests. No common future plans. She’s the boss at home and work. She Makes the big decisions. Ive stopped telling things because I’m sick of being belittled. I’m only staying for the kids? We’ve both stopped doing little the things, for instance if we both watch tv and have a drink or snack at the end of the night she’ll get up and take her dishes out but leave mine or not putting each other’s washing away like we used to. Where’s the fun gone? Feel like house mates not married.

Perthyte Worried for my daughter
  • replies: 1

My daughter has been on a self destructive path for some time, having previously had a relationship with an addicted, controlling partner which she has since ended and her becoming a prostitute (now for 2 years). This has hurt me so much as this is n... View more

My daughter has been on a self destructive path for some time, having previously had a relationship with an addicted, controlling partner which she has since ended and her becoming a prostitute (now for 2 years). This has hurt me so much as this is not what i want for my child - she flaunts the money on labels and cosmetic surgery. She is brainwashed to believe it's the best thing she's ever done as she has friends (other prostitutes) and she feels empowered. I can see she has blinkers on and can't see what's really happening. What can i do to make her see what she cannot see?

Shellyem I can’t really explain it.
  • replies: 2

I’m a mum of two beautiful boys, and a partner to a man I feel disconnected to. The best way I can explain this is I haven’t been feeling myself, I’m exhausted; could quite literally spend all day in bed but that just not reality. I’m tired, over wor... View more

I’m a mum of two beautiful boys, and a partner to a man I feel disconnected to. The best way I can explain this is I haven’t been feeling myself, I’m exhausted; could quite literally spend all day in bed but that just not reality. I’m tired, over worked and feel under appreciated. My partner is fifo, and when he comes home he still wants his alone time, but I don’t understand it. Where my alone time? I don’t get to switch off, I have to think for 2 other people before myself and often I have to think for my partner too. He’s messy, he looses things and my patience is waring thin. I don’t know why I feel this way, it’s not me, I’m taking it out on everyone around me and it’s not fair, but I don’t know how to break the habit. I tried telling my partner I wasn’t feeling right and he tried to talk to me but I didn’t want to listen, I got the same old “you have to work on yourself I can’t help you if you don’t want to be helped” but I do. Just not by him, I constantly feel criticized, I and it’s taking a toll on me emotionally, I don’t really know what I’m asking. I just need help, I want to be “me” again, but where do I start?

white knight Marriage breakdown and your recovery
  • replies: 3

Many friends and family members seem aghast at the news of your split. They are supportive at first then after a few days or weeks you do the chasing to keep that support going because your grief is ongoing. That is particularly difficult to overcome... View more

Many friends and family members seem aghast at the news of your split. They are supportive at first then after a few days or weeks you do the chasing to keep that support going because your grief is ongoing. That is particularly difficult to overcome because your whole life has folded. Relationship split and its severity depends on ones endurance. A split from a girlfriend/boyfriend you've dated for a few weeks can be more harsh on some that have been married for 20 years. There is no yardstick, no comparing individuals and their feelings. We should as outsiders treat them all seriously. Having children with your estranged partner intensifies the grief and its prolonged. Issues like visitations, child support, education, communication, jealousy, finances and ongoing bitterness can test everyone, some more than others. So here is my thoughts based on 3 previous long term relationships (all over 7 years duration) and tips on how to recover. The initial grief period. Allow yourself time and solitude, rest and recuperation. Visiting friends and family will find support but there is no real way to short cut the grief. Secure your accommodation, transport, temporary roster for access to children and if possible some basic means of communication with your estranged partner like email. Email/messages allows for you to think before replying. It's ok to feel regret, revenge or failure. Just refuse to react to those intrusive thoughts. Maintain your values, be true to your character. Once you feel you are beginning to overcome the grief your recovery will be accelerated with finding distractions. That can come with an adventurist attitude- camping, touring around, hobbies, sports...even dating. Spontaneity. It's Friday and a weekend without your kids coming up. Book a hot air balloon flight, scuba diving, attend a model aircraft club...fill your weekend up. Avoid potential actions that hinder your recovery. Gambling and alcohol consumption come to mind. Soul searching. The advantage of splitting with a partner is taking the time to seek out your true self. I did this with watching YouTube videos of - Maharaji prem rawat. Google him and seek out videos of "sunset", "the perfect instrument" and many others. Bathe your spirit, elevate your pride Finally, mental self care. A visit to your GP, a phone call to Dads in Distress DIDS or reaching out to this forum. Rebuild self esteem lost and recover. There is a future worth pursuing. Post for discussion TonyWK

nikodemus Wife left me after 13 years marriage. She felt that she's now attracted to women
  • replies: 2

Hi all. Feeling broken after my little wife, like i used to call her, told me that she finds herself very disturbed and "maybe attracted to women". We've a child, he's 12 years. I don't know if he suspects anything, but me and my wife almost didn't t... View more

Hi all. Feeling broken after my little wife, like i used to call her, told me that she finds herself very disturbed and "maybe attracted to women". We've a child, he's 12 years. I don't know if he suspects anything, but me and my wife almost didn't talk for a last several weeks. We've been on tough period lately. Well, she was, to be precise. She's been hit by severe health problems, like 4th grade endometriosis (with a possibility to remove the uterus in near future), complicated surgery on simple operation (anesthetics "did not turn on the lungs" when it had to and she felt that she couldn't breath), that hardened her mental problems, which were surrounding her all the time. Then problems at job, she quited it. Then panic attacks etc. Then several weeks course at psychiatric clinic. She felt much better, but something changed irreversably there. I tought it's because she wants to settle down after all this disturbing experiences. Our sex life never was very colourful, i even asked her if she's attracted to women once. She denied. I never felt desirable by my wife. And this question was painfull for both of us. There were all the explanations, you could imagine. For the last year i tought it was because of her severe pains because of endometriosis and it somehow relieved my frustration at some level. After all, things happen and i had to understand and support my spouse. But then she started to avoid me, more time spending with "friends from psychiatric clinic". She even started avoiding the gaze. I was informed that some of those friends were homosexual. We even spent some time together in nature. Yesterday i writed her on messenger "should i know something?", while both being at home, when she came from "just a meeting with a friend". She asked me to "give her several weeks, so she could spent this time to think about everything at her (girl)friends appartments". And then she left. Got back after several hours. Then i asked, what's happening and she told, that she may be attracted to women. It hurts. Then she told, that she feels very hapy with her friend. Ouch. Also she told, that she couldn't even think about sex with men. Uf. And then she told, that "tried everything she needed and liked it very much". Ok. Also she explained, that she won't let her think about it herself for whole life, but she was helped to find herself by a psychiatrist at clinics. I feel broken and spend all the day playing with my son. Swallowing my tears when he doesn't see

KyleO Feel like I'm trapped in my own mind, can't stop mentally hurting my mother.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, first post so I apologise if its wordy, I've got a lot on my mind though and need to get this out. So to give some context, my Mum has raised me by herself since I was born, my other two siblings moved out very young and so it's been bas... View more

Hi everyone, first post so I apologise if its wordy, I've got a lot on my mind though and need to get this out. So to give some context, my Mum has raised me by herself since I was born, my other two siblings moved out very young and so it's been basically just me and her in a very isolated home for 16+ years. She's done absolutely everything in her power to give me a comfortable life as I've always been very lonely, and she was abused as a child and became very protective of her kids as a result. She has been so protective, in fact, that I have been spoilt rotten and don't know anything that an independent young man should know. I don't cook nor clean, she had to homeschool me from 8 years old because I was bullied, and because I was (and still am) addicted to video games, I found it very hard to focus. Which brings me to my current state, and hers too: We've both got severe depression, and a lot of negative thoughts each day. I beat myself up mentally because I've become a pessimist and slob over the years, that issue goes far deeper and I won't put it here unless people are curious. Anyway, we both hold a lot of pain inside, but for some reason, I can't interact with her with the amount of love she deserves. I'm extremely lazy, as a result of being coddled since birth or depression I don't know, but if Mum asks for the smallest favor I react negatively. She asked for a coffee because she was mowing the lawn (something she's wanted me to do for years which I avoid like everything else) and I reacted almost in a hostile way. I didn't mean to, it just happened, and I didn't register it at the time, but later she came inside and I just felt off, she was upset. I have always done this...I don't celebrate her birthday (or my own, given the choice.) I don't give her gifts. I don't do anything a loving son should, but every time I hurt her I feel it, I want to smack my head against something as justice for harming this angel that has raised me. I've hurt her so many times that 'I'm sorry.' is no longer a phrase that can be said in our house. So I hid in my room, and listened with a mind crying out in self-hatred as she cried. I don't know why I am like this, I've got friends these days, games to entertain me, a bike to ride, and yet I am so angry and sad inside, and keep hurting the one closest to me as well. Apologies if this upset anyone, but I just needed to get this out there, relieve a little pressure from this broken mind of mine.