Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Bingk6 Marriage Advice Needed
  • replies: 9

Hi All, My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and have two fully grown and independent children. Recently, things have got testy and its hurting our relationship. Just for background, my wife is very close to her family and frequently che... View more

Hi All, My wife and I have been married for over 30 years and have two fully grown and independent children. Recently, things have got testy and its hurting our relationship. Just for background, my wife is very close to her family and frequently checks in on them as they are elderly and require support. Her parents do not speak any English, and despite my wife having 4 other siblings, takes upon the bulk of the responsibility for parental support. Personally, I don't really have an issue with that and have personally chipped in whenever I can to help out if necessary. So much so, we moved houses about 15 years, just so that she can be closer to her family. Over the last few years, my wife started developing signs of arthritis and its impeding her movement somewhat and so she is getting concerned about her own well-being, which I can understand. Our plans are that when we retire, we would like to spend a lot of time travelling overseas, especially now that the kids are all grown up, but the timing of it all has accelerated due to her arthritis. It was always the intention to commence travelling once both sets of our parents have passed. As her parents are older than my own parents, she now wants to commence as soon her mum passes (her dad passed about 7 years ago). My own parents are not young either (both >80) and they too need support from time to time. However, my wife now gets upset whenever I visit my parents, saying that they need to learn to take care of themselves and to not bother me as I am a married man. The thing that upsets me is that I have always supported my wife when her family needed help, but when its time for my family to need some assistance, her response is that you have siblings, why can't somebody else do it and generally gives me a hard time about it every time we visit. On the one hand, I sympathise with the situation with my wife's situation with arthritis, but cannot help feeling that her attitude is "now that my parents have been taken care of, I really don't care what happens to yours". I would appreciate some honest feedback here.

Mochiibee I wish i had a loving family
  • replies: 7

I was supposed to pay the internet bill a few days ago because id finally be able to keep my money for once and save up so i can finally leave this house.. They aren't too happy with me atm.. I guess it was my fault like always, i spoke rudely to the... View more

I was supposed to pay the internet bill a few days ago because id finally be able to keep my money for once and save up so i can finally leave this house.. They aren't too happy with me atm.. I guess it was my fault like always, i spoke rudely to them but only because they treat me the same. im not even allowed to speak my feelings, they always make it about themselves or saying im "talking back". all i can ever do is cry or make vent drawings because its the only way i can express my feelings quietly without being told to "shut up" but i cant even draw now because i broke my phone, i also use my phone to submit reports so i can receive my youth pay (i live in Australia) so i cant do that either.. My father wont even help because hes still pressed about the internet bill, i was told to buy it myself but how can i if i cant receive pay? Thankfully a friend ive known for a few years offered to help! it feels like when ever i speak to my parents or ask them for something, they sound annoyed with me like i did something wrong.. Was it really that wrong to save money? Everything i do just leads to fights, i just wanna leave already

littlegirllost My depression ruined my marriage, I pushed him away, I thought ending it was the right thing to do
  • replies: 17

Hi I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants. Throughout the last 3 years I f... View more

Hi I have been through 3 miscarriages, PND with both my pregnancies - 7 years & 3 years ago - this then progressed to severe depression which I am now managing with regular psychology appointments and anti-depressants. Throughout the last 3 years I found myself shutting the most important people to me out of my life. I was consumed by exhaustion and guilt that I thought nobody else could understand. It was during this time that I made the worst decision of my life - to leave my marriage of 10 years and break up our family. I thought this was what I wanted, what my family needed, but I regret it all now. my reasoning at the time was to remove myself in order to fix myself, my husband asked me to work on the relationship by getting counseling together but I couldn’t wrap my head around doing it until I was feeling better about myself. My depression was holding me hostage. I felt suffocated. I only moved out in March this year, the separation is finalized financially and we have 50/50 custody of our two beautiful kids. Now that I have had some time to recover and work on my self-love, I’m finding myself deeply regretting the decisions I’ve made for our family. I want him back, I want our family back, I’m ready to start loving again. Why couldn’t I take the steps to make us work? I hate myself for not trying harder. I have poured my heart out to him so he does know where I stand, I’ve apologized for my behavior - without sounding desperate. When he finally agreed that I could move out, he said that we are over and there is no way we’d get back together as I’ve destroyed him. Is there any chance for us? Has anyone in a similar situation reconnected with their ex? Should I let things run their course? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you ps - I’m not just going through a phase and I don’t want to move on with anyone else. I don’t just want him because it feels familiar...I am truly still in love with him

moocow_1 How do I respond to my partner's negativity?
  • replies: 10

My partner has depression and anxiety and I just want some advice on how I should respond when he messages me and it is negative. The negativity is not necessarily directed at me but it's almost as if he can't seem to find joy or happiness in anythin... View more

My partner has depression and anxiety and I just want some advice on how I should respond when he messages me and it is negative. The negativity is not necessarily directed at me but it's almost as if he can't seem to find joy or happiness in anything at the moment. He goes through periods of highs and lows I have noticed. At the moment he's in the low mood where he speaks about the whole world being place where no-one cares for anyone else, everyone just wants what they want and they don't care about any one else, no-one wants to work or sacrifice but he does. He speaks sometimes as if he is some sort of supreme God where he does nothing wrong and is just the best and everyone else is crap. I feel like I'm never good enough, I don't answer the way he wants me to when he asks questions, he always thinks I'm trying to do things to stuff him around mentally. As if everything is a personal attack on him. He acts like he is so hard done by and that he is the only person in the world that anything is hard for and if everyone in the world is doing things just to make him angry or upset. It's so frustrating. I don't know how to respond to the constant negativity. He will counter argue anything positive I try to say with something negative. I can't win no matter what I do or how I act. I feel like everything with him is a test. I feel like I'm always failing. It's as if he loves to tell me how much he sacrifices for me and my children every day by working so hard, we are all ungrateful etc etc. Should I argue back at him or should I let it all just go? I feel like he would argue with me to get his point across and I would not argue just so I can have peace. I'm at such a loss as to how to respond to him in just every day conversations these days. It's not ok for him to be nasty or mean or hurtful. I'm not anyones emotional punching bag. I had an emotionally abusive ex husband. I don't need an emotionally abuse partner now!

AliC_ Spiraling due to loss of relationship
  • replies: 30

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress... View more

Two weeks ago my boyfriend of a 1 1/2 years broke up with me. We’ve been really close friends for nearly 8 years and so loosing him has been hard. He broke up with me due to both our ongoing mental health issues (I have anxiety, depression and stress disorders). He also will no longer speak to me and his family are the same. I lived with them for the last 8 months and began to feel part of their family. Plus I have other stress factors in my life- I’m a second year university student and a recent break down of my dad and step mother’s marriage so life really feels pretty bleak right now. Any ideas for getting through this heartbreak and this spiral. I am seeing a counsellor in the next fortnight.

73Superbird Living with an alcoholic spouse
  • replies: 4

Hi all, Where do I start...? My wife and I have been together 17 years and in the last 6 she has sunken into the deepest depths of alcohol addiction. Her disease has taken her to 5 stints in rehab, multiple trips to hospital due to injuries sustained... View more

Hi all, Where do I start...? My wife and I have been together 17 years and in the last 6 she has sunken into the deepest depths of alcohol addiction. Her disease has taken her to 5 stints in rehab, multiple trips to hospital due to injuries sustained from falling while drunk and multiple calls to police when she has gone missing. We have 3 young kids who my wife can no longer care for due to her illness necessitating the need for them to go to before and after school care so I can continue to work as she is unable to. She lies and steals continually to obtain alcohol and drinks up to 4 bottles of wine a day to the point of passing out. She is essentially non functioning. Our relationship is in ruins. She knows she has a problem and she seeks help but comes out of rehab thinking she's fine and can have a couple of drinks. The cycle then continues. If it weren't for the children my decision to leave would be easy... One of the hardest things is I have bipolar, major depressive disorder and I come from a history of addiction myself which is a recipe for disaster. In her defense I haven't been an easy person to live with. Until I was recently diagnosed with bipolar I was very unpredictable and she also has PTSD due to miscarriages and my history of self harm and my 2 suicide attempts. When my wife goes away to rehab though I feel I'm a better person and a better father. It's like she is out of sight out of mind... Of course with kids, mortgages, finances all tied together it makes decision making so much harder. I'm at a complete loss. I still love her but at the same time hate her as she is destroying her family. I'm starting to feel immense hatred and resentment toward her and the poor kids are starting to sense that as well... I just don't know what to do.

Romes88 Overwhelmed, lost, confused to the point of drinking
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time here and I guess I'm posting because I'm in a pickle where I don't want to talk to anyone I know as I don't want it to impact on how they see my husband. Firstly, I'm sure I play a huge roll in this, I'm self destructive in relationshi... View more

Hi, first time here and I guess I'm posting because I'm in a pickle where I don't want to talk to anyone I know as I don't want it to impact on how they see my husband. Firstly, I'm sure I play a huge roll in this, I'm self destructive in relationships, often expect too much (I treat others how I would like to be treated and go above and beyond because it often doesn't take much to do so), and then get naggy or just turn into a bit of a Sour puss. Which I would also like to explore why at some point.... But I need some outside help. So when covid first hit I was working from home, early days pregnant with #2, working 14 hour days, not sending older one to daycare as feared what long term covid would look like. On top of that, I got a message from a friend I had in the best years of my life. He ghosted me 5 years prior and wanted to apologise for that and explain it was because he was deeply in love with me wanted to clear his mind I guess. But this just threw me into a spiral. My logical mind says we would never have lasted anyway, I didn't overly want him at the time he pulled away from me, but the hormones, feeling unloved and over stressed at home basically led me to crumble. I got drunk whilst pregnant and hated myself ever since. It also made me question things with my husband. Did I settle? Is there something I'm missing? He is an amazing man who would never stray, has had my back through thick and thin, provides so we have a more than comfy lifestyle and helps with the kids. But he does what he has to and no more. He makes smart comments like "you live the life" and laughs when I say I'm overwhelmed saying what do you have to be overwhelmed about. The mental load, emotional exhaustion from tired prep kid and baby, keeping house, training our new puppy he wanted etc is just killing me. I feel so empty. I'm giving everything and get nothing back. He doesn't realise how easy it is to go to work rather than feed kids breaky, clean up dishes, pack kids bags, school drop off, baby meltdown, then work, then groceries, cook dinner, clean up after dinner then fold clothes, train dog etc etc the list goes on. We have had the chat heaps, he helps for a few weeks and then it's back to the same old. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm the sour nagging wife and getting disappointed that I've just stopped bringing it up and drink.... and I've been messaging the guy from above to feel something. I need some help.... what do I do, where have I gone wrong??

HT2323 New mum with no one
  • replies: 4

I don't have anywhere to turn so I'm giving this a try... I'm a new mum, my son is no longer a newborn but I'm still very new to all this. I thought that when I would finally start a family and have a baby that I would have some sort or support netwo... View more

I don't have anywhere to turn so I'm giving this a try... I'm a new mum, my son is no longer a newborn but I'm still very new to all this. I thought that when I would finally start a family and have a baby that I would have some sort or support network. As I left school and got a little older I realised that I wouldn't have much support at all, if you could call what I had left support. Mid twenties and alone. If you could tell me younger self I would have no friends and most of my family wouldve either passed away or just disliked me by now... I probably wouldve been shocked, but also believed it too... I've always had rocky relationships with my immediate family which have normally worked themselves out by someone giving in. But as I've had 6+ months off work, home alone I've realised that actually the things I deal with are toxic, and part of a repeating cycle that's pushed me further and further down my lonely rabbit hole of a life. I am thankful everyday for my fiance and my son. My fiance helps me as best he can with everything, although he has his own stresses and life burdens. And my son is the light of my life, and if not for him, maybe I would leave this place and not have to deal with anything else. I am happy, I have happy moments and make memories, but I also have blocked out a lot of my childhood and have panic attacks thinking about most pf the various times in my life. I've been bullied my whole life, primary school, highschool and work even up until now. I have so many memories than cause me to not be able to breathe that if I dont keep myself 100% busy with physically doing something or planning/organising things present or future, that I will spiral out of control. All of my friends have drifted or left me for one reason or another. I'm not very interesting, a 4/10 at best, so not very good looking as a nice way of putting it, and I am just plain weird. I have no friends now, and I don't think I will ever have any. I lost my last few friends in 2020 and even before that I didn't have them for about 2 years, fault of my own, so I didn't really think it would last anyway. I feel socially enept and at this point I just think that I'm better off accepting lonliness and not bothering my fiance with all my stress... Cont. In comments

Chocolate_brownies89 Being lied to
  • replies: 9

Hello everyone im after some advice Im being lied to and decived on a daily basis He is smoking weed and thinks that I dont no and has been for a long while We have had issues with this in the past as he would become agro at me when he couldn't affor... View more

Hello everyone im after some advice Im being lied to and decived on a daily basis He is smoking weed and thinks that I dont no and has been for a long while We have had issues with this in the past as he would become agro at me when he couldn't afford enough to meet his addiction Because of the anger I told him I choose not to go out with someone who smokes weed and that he is welcome to continue and I will leave He stopped for a long while but has started again and now I want to leave The thing with this time is because he is feeling guilty (he has no idea i know) He is actually helping around the house sometimes actually looking after the kids sometimes and when he isn't nice to me he comes back and says sorry Which i know is because when I catch him smoking he wants to be like see its ok im haven't been treating you like shit This is all stuff he doesn't usually do But I know its only a matter of time before he does actually become super agro and at that point I will leave but the waiting is driving me crazy as I no its coming and the being lied to daily is really affecting my mental health My other issues is the kids I dont trust him to have to kids alone on access for to long due to his anger And this is partly why im still here and waiting for the kids to grow up a bit more Anyway thanks for reading Im just looking for advice and what would you do?

callmesophie Im complicated - help
  • replies: 2

I have been feeling depressed lately, but the root cause has been impacting me for the last 5yrs. My guess that the root of my low self esteem, self sacrificing comes from guilt of not being there when my family had difficulties. I know I am not to b... View more

I have been feeling depressed lately, but the root cause has been impacting me for the last 5yrs. My guess that the root of my low self esteem, self sacrificing comes from guilt of not being there when my family had difficulties. I know I am not to blame 4 because I didnt cause the situation, but I cant help but feel so useless ontop of my fam being better than me. I shud be grateful. This is where it gets complicated. I got into a 2 yr relationship. 1st time I got comfortable to tell something like this to someone. We would happily call everyday, and said that we would grow as a person together. He is also my bestie. I also have 2 close friends. I care about him a lot. I can pretty sacrifice my time/money no matter what. I do the same to my friends. Anyways He got more busy whilst I am still me. He started gym, sport & becoming friends with one of my besties too w games. I am happy that he is growing. But now I feel like its hard to have the same level of attention from him as before. I feel like no one listens/cares about me. I am very selfish for thinking this way as I dont think our relationship b4 was healthy. We spent a lot of time w each other. But I feel like I am no longer important. I am jealous of him wanting to be friends with my close friend which I absolutely hate myself. I said it was ok to be friends w girls as most of his friends are guys. I dont want to be difficult. We had a discussion. I told him even before this, that I do not feel heard in our convos. He said he would improve but it feels forced when he asks further questions about me without absorbing what I said. He gradually started calling later, talking for only 2 mins even because he was playing games w my friends. It felt onesided. I mentiond to him, he said that he will try to cut out games (as always). But he said our calls have become a bit more boring as we called everyday. I feel like im a boring person to talk to - ading to my low self esteem. I offered to call less & he prefered 3x a week. I was ok w it I think. I brought up indirectly about with friends of friends. I just didnt want 1on1 meetups w him and my close friend bcos I was grossly jealous. I hate me. I know he wont cheat but everytime he brings up my friend in our conversations Im just not comfortable. Its mainly that one friend. I just feel anxious everyday the past 2 wks and its affecting me physically. So I asked for 1 month break. I tried going bak 2 my hobbies but it didnt feel fun anymore. I need help