Need advice

[Dylan72]

I have been seeing this girl recently and at first it was friends with benefits but I caught feelings, we had 4 weeks where we saw each another 3-4 times a week for hours and hours it was amazing and we loved each others company but once her uni started she shut down and didn’t see me for 2 weeks saying she is unsure and doesn’t know what she wants, she has lots of past trauma with men in her life as well as other trauma and this affects her when it comes to commitment and attachment, she finally saw me on Monday and it was just as friends as that’s how we decided to try she came over and it was all fine until the end where with no intentions from both of us we started kissing it’s was very natural but that was the extent of it and she said it’s fine and promised me, the next day she was all like i can’t do this anymore etc which hurt alot, and I asked if it’s cause she is scared of commitment or affection or even catching feelings and she said probably, I was devastated as I have caught heavy feelings and it turns out that I love her but 2 days pass and we reconnect because I was in a bad spot and today she was talking about how she just doesn’t want a friendship or anything and how it’s hurting her as well to let me go and it makes no sense why she would do that when it hurts, she doesn’t lie she is very honest girl which is a amazing, but she started saying well u can blame it on my issues etc, from what happend t has she maybe caught feelings or something or because naturally we kissed with no intentions she is scared of it turning into more cause of her trauma and that’s why she is saying she has no reason why she wants to go, like she says she had no idea why she feels it when it hurts her, is there any ideas with maybe trauma with me or in general can lead to pushing away as she said to me before that the way I treat her is different and new to her which might be part of why she pushed me away. Any advice would be amazing or people with similar experiences or trauma and have this kind of reaction, I don’t know what to make of this situation, all I know is I love her and it pains me so much. She is known to remove or freak out when people get to close to her etc. kinda like a defence.

[geoff]

Hello Dylan, I can feel your sadness in your comment and very sorry this appears to have happened.

When you kiss and have a good time together, this may seem to be that she wants to concentrate on her studies and not be in love with anyone, however, don't forget there will be many times when she wants to talk with someone she feels close to, and initially it may be a girlfriend, but that's not the same as someone like you.

If in case she freaks out when she gets too close to another person, she may have been sincerely hurt by someone she was in love with, and perhaps she may want to talk about this, may be not immediately, but slowly over time, and once this can happen might open the door for you.

This may also impede on her studies and that's why she doesn't want to get close again, a topic you might want to casually mention, but if she begins to get upset, pull back.

I wouldn't be lost at the moment, a girl who kisses you deserves affection.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Hey Dylan, welcome to the forums. 

I'm sorry about this situation for you (and her too). 

It's going to be important for you to "guard your heart" moving forward with this girl. IDK what she'll do in the future eg keep in the FWB or any other direction. 

You said she's very honest, so she has already told you as much as she knows. 
She's disclosed to you that she's had "trauma in her past", this could be far deeper and possibly worse than you can imagine. 

What's going on (IME) is that she has unresolved trauma from her past. 
I have Complex PTSD, but have had therapy and have had to do TONS of other healing actions to vastly improve my MH. 
Back when it was unresolved.... well what happened to me, was that the past became the present. 
It was impossible for me to separate the past and present. It's HORRIBLE. 

In fact, for me, when I did fall in love again, it was the most terrifying experience because I was triggered by my own feelings. I had fright, flight, freeze going on all the time, at the time I didn't know what was going on but later I was able to SEE this. 

You said you don't know what to make of the situation? 
As with any relationship, you need to respect her wishes to stay away. 

This is where guarding your heart comes in. You need to protect yourself from further hurt, if possible. 

I hope she can receive the professional MH support she needs to resolve the past to where she's able to be happy in a loving relationship. 
This is up to her, not you. 

Best wishes
EM

[Dylan72]

Thank you for the advice, she has opened up to me about some of her trauma and the people she should trust the most in her life have let her down in some horrible ways so it does explain why she would be terrified of getting close, which she has been very open about saying attachment and commitment scare her because of her past and i would say this response is a fight or flight as she did this to me a year ago when we were just online friends during lockdown and things were starting to become alot for intimate and she left, though even she has said she is in a much better place but still has ways to go which i have noticed as well and ensured i am there to support her however i can.

[Dylan72]

She has opened up about her past trauma etc and it for sure makes sense why she is very scared of commitment and affection for people as well as getting to close as she has done this before over a year ago when we started getiing close as we get along very very well.