I still love my ex-wife...is there surgery available or magic pills?

[Jai6]

My wife left me 5 years ago. I divorced her 2 years ago. We settled financially 1 year ago. My son and I haven't seen her in over a year. She flew 1,000km to see our son and 2 cats last week and stayed three nights in our guest room. We did normal family stuff, went sight-seeing, went out to restaurants, laughed like a 'normal' family. We were not intimate. While she was sleeping in the guest room, I was hoping she'd come and talk to me to either close the door indefinitely or whatever. But she didn't. Instead, she was on What's App all night. Now that she is gone again for another year or two, I feel empty and sad? No, I don't suffer depression and no, I don't really want her back. I'm 60 years old and have freedom. But I miss her. I'm not seeking another mate. Even if I did find some interest in another woman, it would be unfair to pretend she's my new love interest. I'd be deceiving and disingenuous to another woman. My ex and I were a perfect 100% match. At least that what our friends said when they found out that we had split. They used think we'd 'go the distance'. What's wrong with me - or her?

[Juliet_84]

Hi Jai,

Firstly, I wanted to extend a big warm welcome to you 🙂 You have said a few things that are interesting to me and I hope to clarify. You mention that your friends said that you were “a perfect 100% match” - do you feel that you and your ex-wife were a great match? What were the reasons that led to your divorce if you don’t mind me asking? I only ask because sometimes things can look one way to people on the outside but the inside can be a different story altogether.  You also said that you don’t really want her back - do you mind sharing why that is? If that’s the case, it sounds like to me that you miss your friend, that familiarity that you have with a person who you’ve known intimately for so long and who knows everything about you. And that is perfectly understandable. But it doesn’t sound to me as though you are in love with your wife or wanting to rekindle the relationship, in which case I don’t think it’s in any way deceptive to date etc. you of course may choose not to or not feel ready and want some time to process the divorce etc before diving back in, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. In fact I think what you’re feeling is perfectly understandable and expected. You mention that you’d hoped your ex-wife would come and speak to you. Have you considered speaking with her? Depending how your relationship is now, she may actually be someone who understands what you are going through. 

[geoff]

Hello Jai, you're in a very similar situation to what I am, although she divorced me because I couldn't get better from depression and was self medicating with alcohol, I don't blame her at all, but we have been in contact and see each other on a regular basis, as we were a perfect couple, it's just my demise that ended our marriage, although in fairness, like all marriages, we both had our own problems.

I'm 68 and we both worry about each other and check up on one another, and it's just like when we were married, but she is looking after an elderly chap who now has dementia, so living together once again, is out of question, plus shedoesn't want to move back to wherer I live.

There is nothing wrong with you, sometimes people who have experienced marriage only want to then live by themselves, enjoy the freedom but still be in contact with you, because you can never be sure that being together once again will turn out to as successful as you hope.

Stay in contact with her and see what may develop.

Geoff.

Life Member.