Relationship break up. Am I an abuser? Feeling confused.

[itsagamble]

I don't know what I want from this. I think its just a place to air my feelings and gain perspective.

I have been suffering from stress over not being paid by work and bills and rent getting ahead of me. THe past couple of weeks I have expressed frustration with various things by swearing unnecessarily for instance when I receive another bill, or another message from work demanding more while I still remain unpaid. Anyway, last week on Tuesday (today is thursday week 2) I was at my partners house sitting with her on the couch. She was studying for a jo interview and I was reading my emails. I received a rude email from my property manager and swore under my breath (f'ing c). My partner asked if I wanted to talk about something and I said no babe, its ok. A few minutes later she said she was going to my home to get her jacket for the job interview and could I cook dinner, which I said yeah sure. Not long after she phoned and said I had made her feel unsafe and asked that she be alone tonight so I said OK and left. 

When I arrived home she had not only taken her jacket but also all of her belongings that she normally leaves here. I messaged her and asked whats up, why have you taken your stuff and apologised for making her feel unsafe. She then followed up with a tirade saying she didnt have to explain herself, she had been in DV situations before and she shouldnt have to make an excuse to leave her home so she could feel safe asking me to go. Now, I am not and was not aggressive at all, I simply swore. 

I went to call her to talk and she had blocked me.  Sent an apology the next morning and she basically said 'not good enough etc'" so i gave her some space that day. That night she blocked me on instagram. I saw that and quickly sent her another lengthier apology explaining I understood how I hurt her etc. Still not good enough so I sent a further one along with an explanation of things I had done for her, defending myself in that I didnt see it as a big thing. She said she was done with the conversation so I left  her be Thursday, Friday and on Friday night she posted photos on facebook which I commented on, along with 12 others. She 'loved' all of their comments, but intentioanlly left mine unliked which was upsetting. 

Next morning I attempted a more in depth apology, she thanked me for my heartfelt apology but it wasnt enough as she was hurt by some of the things I had said. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi itsagamble, Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing this here. You've taken a great step in coming here to seek support and we are sure our lovely community will be able to provide you with some advice soon!

It might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss things about your relationship. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They also have some great advice on their pages, such as this one on communication in relationships.

It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online, here.

We’re sure our warm and kind community will spot your post soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[itsagamble]

Extention of above explaining relationship and fallout - same title, part 2. 

[itsagamble]

Following on from previous, my partner had a tough childhood, being told by her mother she was unwanted and a few other bad experiences. She was physically abused by several boyfriends and had a difficult marriage. A couple of weeks ago she also told me she had been raped at 18. We have been together 8 months and in tis time she has told me she never thought she'd love somebody again enough to want to be with them long term, that she felt safe with me and that I was the nicest and kinding, most caring etc man she had known. She told me she has a habit of pushing partners away so she can control the relationship ending and I wonder if this is whats happened here, with the trigger being the domestic violence trauma.The thing she was upset with me saying was that she needs to address her drinking as I could see it upset her young daughter. She thinks its ok but she drinks 2 bottles of wine a night at least 3 or 4 times a week. She argued that she was a good mother etc, and she is a wonderful mother, but was hurt by that comment (she thought it implied she wasnt). Following this I sent another lengthy apology, which she said thankyou but im not convinced. I told her I couldnt do this anymore as I had always been supportive of her and felt the issue was minor and had apologised several times with the reply being ignorance and blocking. She replied "i understand" and subsequently blocked me on facebook. I was informed by a friend the next day she was on Tinder, so I sne ther an email saying "friend told me you're on tinder the next day? im glad I meant that much to you". Heard nothing back. Send a whatsap message 2 nights later again apologising. She read it and didnt reply, then 30 minutes later blocked me again. That was a few days ago. I dont know how to feel, think, or act. This is the 2nd relationship ive had in 2 years that has been deep and loving and ended by something trivial.

[geoff]

Hello itsagamble, what may be happening is that because of her past she could self medicating with alcohol and refuse to address the problem, but from what you've said, her past hasn't been the best, however neither has yours, being unpaid for work you've done and unable to pay the rent.

It could be that she's doing this as part of you not being paid and perhaps to clear the air, may be you should have talked with her about these emails, but realise it must have been difficult.

Relationships come and go and sometimes it's caused by the most unexpected reasons which you find hard to explain, and even if they are, you might not agree with the explanation.

There are concerns that need to be addressed by you and your girlfriend, firstly you can;'t work for someone who demands more from you, when you aren't being paid, so this needs to be rectified, unfortunately very little is free these days and your landlord wants to be paid and so do you.

With your friend, there is much she needs to address, otherwise the same is going to keep happening for her, because the alcohol won't solve any problems, as I've found out myself, but getting her to counselling is a decision she needs to make.

If you want to get back to us we'd like to hear from you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Croix]

Dear Itsagamble~

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, not just the break-up, which is so sad, but also your employment and financial worries.

 In your circumstances to swear when you have just received more bad news is human even if the words you chose were a bit over the top. Still, it can make all the difference depending on the listener's history and associations with those words.

 It is a real pity as you had become close enough for her to confide in you about the DV situations and rape. However this may well have made her feel more vulnerable and brought matters to the surface for her.

It may be her use of alcohol could be a means of trying to deal with her memories, thoughts and fears from the past.

 So if she heard words that had come before something terrible or brought it to mind she may well not have felt safe, quite the opposite and felt threatened.

 Sometimes persons can after such experiences tend to react very badly at something you might regard as non-threatening. I’d imagine trust has been broken in her past and that is very hard indeed to re-establish.

 If this is the case I'm not sure that any words by themselves could repair matters. To feel one has to leave one's own home is a huge thing and not easily forgotten. A home is after all one's refuge - or should be.

Perhaps giving matters some time without pressing might help

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear itsagamble, what a mouthful! 

Life seems to be at times! 

I'm sorry this has happened - past tense. 

Time to breathe OUT. 
Let's take stock. 

You swore and thought it was "something so trivial". 
She didn't, going so far as to evacuate, take all her things from yours, block you to bits.... it seemed to be over the moment she felt unsafe. 

Now from her perspective it was obvious she was triggered by what you said and when she asked what's wrong, you said nothing (when it was obviously some thing but I intuit you didn't want to burden her)... 
I agree with Geoff and Croix. Being a DV survivor wow... it can so easily play out like this. TOO EASILY! Ask my BF about our first few years!

From my POV she's done. 
From now please do not try to contact her. This could easily be taken way out of your known world! 

It's best you leave her. 
Go No Contact in every possible way. 

Because..... IF she could see it your way, she would have accepted your apologies (multiple!) & worked out some healthy boundaries. (As I have done with my BF). 
She's more in the realm of "NEXT" right now. Tinder an' all. 

Time for NC & the 180 strategy. 

It hurts. I'm so sorry. Hugs!! 

EM
PS: I can't answer your Thread Title, IDK you well enough. 

[itsagamble]

She had told me previously she pushes people away and ends relationships so she doesn’t feel abandoned. I think this was just her excuse to do that.
How can someone go into “next realm” so soon? I don’t understand. We were planning a life together. She had asked me above living together and we were actively planning it. She had a relationship with my children and mine hers. All so confusing. 

[Croix]

Dear Itsagamble~

I don't blame you for feeling confused, as you pointed out it seemed as if you had planned your lives together and she had a relationship wiht your children.

Perhaps if she had been fortunate enough not to have had a traumatic life in the past then things might have been more straightforward and your words might have had less impact.

I'm afraid many people who have been abused do not react as you might expect. The 'flight or fight' reaction is forever near the surface and can be  a reaction that seems out of proportion - though in those circumstances of course it is not.

Ecomama may be right, the opportunity to get together may have passed, I don't have enough experience to say either way. All I can say is if you value the relationship it might be that giving up straight way might not be doing eihter of you any favors. Then again it may just lead to more heart-break for you.

I guess as the person on the spot you have to be the judge

Croix

[Duesentrieb]

Hi, I see that a bit more negative.
She seems not healthy coursed possibly by her past experiences, traumas, etc. She should have looked at these issues, maybe look for professional help but instead she prefers to Tinder around. Therefore I would suggest to move on. As hard as it seems.

All the best and good luck