Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Laurie

I haven't caught up on all the threads in the post yet, but i will respond. I have had many 'aha' moments reading the insights and perspectives in the posts. My heart felt quite full when i opened the forum chat today, after not logging in for a while, and seeing all the posts. Life gets busy.

I hope you are doing OK.

Terese

[PhoebeWings]

Hi everyone,

Since early this week I’ve been heads down with staying visitors, but I just popped in here to say I’m here, but not here for a few days more 🙂

I feel for everyone of you, I feel for all of us. Even with the fun of having guests and their children - I’m reminded of the one who was missing for so much of my life.

And that loss hurts to the core.

I’ll read more deeply all your carefully held words and reply later next week.

Phoebe.

[LaurieD]

Hi Terese!!!

I'm so happy you're here :). I was worried that the quietness in here (ie I'd shutup for a while!) put you off. Really pleased to meet you & look forward to hearing your experiences & what gives you strength & hope, or not.

Life does get busy, for sure. I'm finding that lately all I want to do is laze in a hammock & let life "flutter by, butterfly", but those darn things called "responsibilities" repeatedly disturb my tranquility! 🙂

Have a good one whatever you're doing.

Laurie xo

[LaurieD]

Hey Phoebe 🙂

Glad you popped in. I hear you re the fun of visitors but also the sadness. I know people don't understand why we never quite "get over it" in the kindest sense, but this adoption thing gets us right in the core of our humanity & I think it's one of the strangest & weirdest practices ever.

You haven't missed much from me lately, mainly oscillation between standing tall on my soapbox, fist punching the air & yelling, "I want justice!!!" then when that's not forthcoming (still) throwing myself on the ground in a tantrum equivalent to a two year old, kicking, screaming, the whole shebang.

This acceptance stuff I'm sposed to do is a big struggle so when you're free (no rush) I'd love to learn from you and everyone in here what insights helped you, if any, and if any of you have found some type of meaning in the unavoidable suffering? He who has a why to live for can bear any how. Something like that, Neitzche, I think...

Be good to you.

Laurie xo

[LaurieD]

Dear Michele

How are you? I hope you're going well :). I often think of you & reread your posts, so much to glean & contemplate, it's awesome.

You spoke about being lucky that you had good Aparents though there are issues between you & Amum made me think. I wonder if Aparents feel as much pressure to be perfect as Bparents & our children? They're only human too. I've heard horror stories some Aparents have done & it's recent history but then Bparents & Step parents do horrible things 2, & non/adopted children.

I ponder the identities & roles in the Triad but then there's more than 3 parties in rel't & a'n, isn't there? Those who demand it, arrange it & enforce it remain in all our lives, for life & after death even. Does that make a Quartet at least?

Consider the stereotypical goodies & baddies in the entire scenario, conception to a'n at least; I perceive that every person & role is deemed both good&evil, usually at the same time & def re particular "choices" eg parent's who rel'sh are good&evil at the same time. Apply to Ap's & the children. Clear as mud?

Identity is a huge issue for all involved. Much more to say but letter limit stops me. I've heard some say adoptees will be confused by 2 identities thus the 1st is destroyed, but it's possible that's not true.

I'm an identical twin; we always have 2 identities, unit & individual, & have done so for millenia. It's hard but we don't know any other way but to be dynamic & fluid in who we are/not. I was researching some stuff re my sister & I & the seeming Identity commonalities & issues in twinship are strikingly similiar to the a'n scenario. Intriguing. Might write a list & ask around, hmm.

Ironically twins/multi births & separation for a'n is an old practice for scientific studies, lots of research papers & we encounter it often in our twin stuff (we're guinea pigs in the Twin Studies). I don't know what it's like to be a singleton or adoptee but I wonder if the same duality of identity as an IDTwin & a Mum/not a Mum affects Adoptees & Aparents as well?

Eg have you ever felt objectified, your very genes & self scrutinised & assessed, vilified if uniqueness & individuality challenge the unit dynamic but praised if your self is overridden in order to comply with the expectation that twins r 2 b a single unit,the same 4 family. Too much individuality/uniqueness threatens the social "norms" for twins & 4 Afamilies; we're 2 b unified even if that means denying self&uniqueness?

Thoughts?

Laurie xo

[PhoebeWings]

Hi everyone,

Am thinking of you all, for now I just want write a short reply especially for Terese...but which will be understood by others here - Laurie and Michelle, looking forward to staying in conversation.

Your words and sharing speak of much courage in the face of so much opposition,

With care,

Phoebe

[PhoebeWings]

Dear Terese,

I’ve been thinking a lot around our experiences and lives, from the little we know about one another, through brief sharing here on the forum.


You are right, my son has proven to be a man of character, depth of feeling and strong emotional intelligence.


His adoptive Mother has been forgiven by him for her knee jerk reaction to his need to build a relationship with me. I smiled at Michelle’s recent comment re her controlling adoptive Mother...she said ‘I’m onto her’.

I think my son has the same relationship with his a-Mother, he’s ‘onto her’ which leaves him free to love her as his ‘Mum’ and not feel crushed or victimised by her former ostracism. She is a powerful controller I’ve been told. But that doesn’t mean she’s not cared for her adoptive children, as long as they maintain their identity as her children solely....

So my son is forced into a dual life.

Re my son - thankfully we’ve had enough years to know each other well - I’m sure he’s ‘onto me’ too😉
He gives me a look that makes me feel ‘known’ - and I feel safe and unconditionally loved.
And that works both ways.


I look back on my previous posts and hear my somewhat loud call out for the victory of love, as it were. But....

But you know, How would it be if my son had been cold, standoffish, judgemental and perhaps ambivalent? How could I have managed that?
I’ve privately been on my knees in grief even though we have as ‘good as it gets’ relationship - so I know coping with any ambivalence and/or rejection would have been devastating.

I truly feel sad and feel for you Terese, in that it sounds like you had mixed messages as you tried to reconnect. Who knows, there may be renewed possibilities in the future?

I’ll write more, just wanted to send a gentle hug of compassion to yourself and anyone else reading and sharing this complex ‘touched by adoption’ life. Or as a NZ writer wrote once ‘Blowtorched by adoption’.

With care,

Phoebe

[Veldelmar]

Hi y'all sorry I haven't written back in a while. Had a hectic little bit there between lockdowns - thanks victoria! haha. managed to get a trip in to ballarat for my mental health. then finally got my offer letter for uni - imma be a teacher 🙂 Can't believe i'm gonna be 40 in 5 days, has gone so fast. Sadly my skydive into the 40's has to wait until this lockdown ends. But, I got myself a nice food processor for my birthday and will be cooking up a storm this week. Trying to find my passions in life again, first lockdown was such a downer for me because I don't do well cooped up inside all the time. I'm going to try to go on more walks this time and cook, and study! Hopefully will pick up a paintbrush somewhere in there and finish off my paludarium so I can get my frogs.

Laurie - objectified - I got called a lot of nasty things growing up around being an only child, and then adopted - kids are aholes, in my family I felt 'special' and got treated like that. Made me feel like I had to live up to some unknown capability. At least when I was young. As an adult, i've embraced the black sheep of my soul and just been me. I have tats and piercings and first girl to join the military, ran away to foreign lands. Been married and divorced twice. I feel like the family that raised me doesn't always know who I really am as an adult. I havent made it all that easy for them either. I had all these expectations put on me, i was smart and pretty and talented and goals were made for me I felt and I left that crap all behind.

Phoebe - I think a lot of Akids live duel lives when it comes to dealing with Bparent stuff. Mine were super supportive of finding and knowing the Bparents, but it was mostly dad, Amom i think felt more obligated to follow his wishes around it all after he passed. I know I never want Amom and Bmom in the same room, I think my Amom would be too inappropriate with the whole 'thanks for the kid' stuff. I let her go with when I met my brother but I learnt that it wouldn't be wise with the rest. The more I learn about my Bfam, the more I realise genes actually did make me a lot more like them than the Afam -politics and all that, but there was nuture that lead me to that as well letting me just be me.

Stupid letter limits.
Michele

[Pineapple_patch]

Thank you Michelle. i love reading your perspective. I posted a long response to you all the other week but was stopped by the word limit.

Your response here intrigues me. I was quite alarmed at my daughters use of the label 'adopted'. To me she has always been my child, a child and i never realised adoption would make her different from others. She believes quite firmly that she is 100% nurture but on our first meeting i could see family genetics everywhere. Not that i don't also notice that she is loved and supported in her adopted family as well.

Terese

[Pineapple_patch]

Hi Laurie

I wrote a long response to you all a few weeks ago but it didn't get posted. Here is small response.

I think i read in a post of yours that you were exploring Self compassion? Well, that is what i have been exploring recently as well and i have to say i am feeling good from it. I am listening to an audiobook by Kristin Neff and it has been very enlightening. There are also some meditations available which really do help me feel more gentle with myself and less angry at others. The book also discusses family dysfunction which seems to be a theme in your posts and my experience.

I have not watched the national apology as yet. Neff labels this procrastination. I have to have a plan for self soothing in place before i watch it i think. I know it will draw out emotions.

This is usually a tough week or two for me as it is my daughters birthday soon. My one contact with her for the year - fills me equally with both joy and sorrow.

Stay well

Terese