Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Croix]

Dear Laurie~

You said

"I hope for you though is that among all the horrible stuff there's at
least a tiny speck of gladness that it was you who bears this suffering
& not her"

Now that I can use - thank you!

There has always been so many genuine people who, with the several matters I feel guilt over, trot out every logical and excusing thing under the sun, all of course I've thought of for myself. This is different and fits this matter well. I will draw comfort from it.

Thank you

Croix

[LaurieD]

Dear Croix

Awesome! I learned that insight from an Israeli man who survived the Nazi concentration camps. His legacy lives on in you now too. I'm glad for both of you :).

Have a good one

Laurie

[LaurieD]

Hello again 🙂

I see your posts Phoebe & Michele & want to reply right now even though I know there's no rush, but I shall have to delay my gratification until tomorrow (pout).

Had to see the psychiatrist again a few days ago. A few weeks ago I sort of came apart at the seams a bit, again. Too many triggers & much stress. So I saw my new GP in a bit of a state; just as well I've learned to live with loss of dignity cos it was pretty scarce that day. He was awesome though, asked who my psychiatrist was & called him on the spot.

The psych is really good but I hate seeing him (another pout). He's concerned about the bad dreams & my sleeping habits, or lack thereof, so prescribed a little yellow pill for nighttime (again!) to knock me out & ordered me to go to bed & sleep 8hrs, no more or less, from either 10pm to 6am or 11pm to 7am ONLY. Told!

He's a kind man but sometimes really tough on me & I couldn't understand why until after reflecting on our 2yrs or so together & gauged my commitment to taking care of myself. I see his point :).

My body is super sensitive to medications so I avoid pharmaceuticals as much as possible but a good sleep would be nice. I've just taken the lowest dose for the 1st time about 15m ago & already feeling quite stonkered! That could make for some entertaining content in my letters 🙂 but it's almost 11pm so I better sway off to bed & hopefully have the best night's sleep in many months.

I hope you all sleep well too.

Chat soon :).

Laurie xo

[Veldelmar]

Phoebe - I hope to get to experience that unique friendship/relationship soon. I don't want to force anything so i'm just patiently waiting and hoping it happens on it's own and in it's own way. I am kinda hoping hitting the '40' milestone will help. I guess she looked for me when I was around 18 but I was away at university and she didn't feel she could persue it well enough. Though at 18, i'd have been the hot mess that couldn't deal with it.

Laurie - I'm getting to see a psychiatrist for the first time on the 22nd - never been to one but will be interesting as I have a slew of pent up never dealt with crap. I'm hoping they give me a help me sleep pharmaceutical at the very least. Oddly, being adopted is near the bottom of my list of crap to deal with in regards to causing issues. I've seen councilors a couple times but always mask myself until they leave me alone and free me haha. I've promised myself I won't mask, or will tell them if I'm doing it to try to get free. I hope you get a good night sleep, as my GP said yesterday, chasing sleep is exhausting. I've been fortunate that my anxiety has lifted a bit since starting the process to have a mental health care plan for the first time in my life, so I feel like I can cope for a bit. Time for me to try to nap another hour or two. - Michele

[PhoebeWings]

Dear Laurie and Michele,

Hope you both get some much needed rest and nourishing sleep-time.

Laurie, your son is still very young... there is a whole realm of possibilities ahead - but most importantly is that your own health is properly cared for right now.

And Michele, you too.

I have thought of some things that I’d like to share, but it can wait.

I’m meant to be tackling a mountain of household work this weekend - I’d better get to it. 🙂💐

[LaurieD]

Hello Ladies 🙂

Slept like a baby! Wow. And my subconscious obeyed the psychiatrist by waking me up at 7am. Miracles happen lol. I hate taking medications & never really took anything until 2016, but it's helping for now. Had some bad reactions tho; dignity=zero, hilarity=massive (now). Got to know the ambos really well :).

The psych gave me homework=use book "Finding Life Beyond Trauma - Using Acceptance & Commitment Therapy to Heal from PostTraumaticStress & Trauma-Related Problems". It's good so far but doubt some bits eg exposure therapy & severe moral injury=torment; not all suffering is avoidable. If anyone reads it too I'd value your thoughts. If not, that's ok too. I made a "guide" from professional info to work within & so far it's really helpful in our complex situation. Happy to post it if you like, might clarify some of what I'm talking about when I share.

Phoebe: I hope you conquered the mountain :)! I conquered a mound yesterday ha ha & today I dithered ALL day. It's good. Agreed, my son is only 31 & the av age for male adoptees seeking contact is 35. Things are a bit complicated too so I dunno. One day at a time I suppose. Agreed looking after my health sigh. Had a baseline ECG on Friday; asked my Doc how my heart's looking cos it's been broken a few times & he laughed his head off. It's fine, beats me how.

Michele: I hope seeing the psych goes well for you! I find most know little/nothing re impact of loss to adoption which you may be surprised to know that the professionals now think underpins most of the struggles. In Qld Jigsaw can tell you re psychologists who've done the forced adoption training, other states have a list too.

The Mask. Yes. Gotta survive somehow, hey? Good on you for committing to no Mask; be gentle with you. I hope you feel safe in here to be freely you. We discuss tough topics so please do speak up if you feel unsafe. In here I love how we share our experiences & what gives us strength & hope rather than "playing God" & advising everyone what to do, we agreeably disagree, learn from each other etc. I'd be surprised if you aren't prescribed meds for sleeping too as I've since learned how NB it is but I'm no expert.

I'm off to draw & listen to an audiobook until bedtime. I didn't think to ask the psych if I can stay up later on Sat night... ha ha. Been years since I've been bossed like that & now n then I get scotty & if he wasn't so darn right we'd have had words! Adulting is such a pain lol.

Yours

Laurie xoxo

[LaurieD]

Dear Phoebe & waves to everyone else 🙂

I've read your posts a few times, about the role of Mother of Origin, your earlier ones re your son's AMum demanding he choose etc, his response & the expressions of your heart & your friend's painful experience. As I draw I contemplate what's been shared in here & I find your articulate sharing poignant, painful, encouraging, down to earth, saddening, compassionate, authentic... I admire your courage & obvious unconditional love for your son and grandchildren.

The acceptance of the situation with your son is something I lack in my situation. Every time I consider that another woman is my son's mother something inside me screeches to a grinding halt, like a bullet smashing into a rock; I refuse.

I never relinquished our son; his father (my now ex husband & father of all my children) never relinquished our son, in fact he stood there at the 'signing' stating unequivocally that he did not wish for his son to be taken for adoption. He was ignored. His consent wasn't required. He was offered to sign in the margin as there was no space on the form for his signature. He refused, "Don't take my son". My mother held our baby son, my father stood overseeing the proceedings, the child care officer looked down & pursed her lips, I couldn't read her emotion but I could my father's, so I signed the paper, numb & "off my face", so our son could be taken to a safe place away from the threat, the danger he was in from my father if I kept him. No one in that hospital room knew except my father & I what would happen to our baby if I kept him; cold, calculating, cruel, malignant. I never relinquished him, I hid him in what I hoped was a safe place - desperate times = desperate measures.

I thought only parenting responsibility was being transferred to others but 2 yrs ago learned it was actually our son himself and his descendants, identity, everything 'as if born to' them.

The new Parents promised ongoing contact via letters, 1 of the 1st 'open' adoptions; the AMother cancelled it within 18mths against her husbands wishes. She asked what the boundaries are (good point) but never spoke with me about it; she said the way I 'write my letters made me sound so real it's as though I'm sitting with her & drinking coffee' =no contact!

That crippled us. Contact was for our son's sake & safety; at 18yo he was harmed by my family & my life almost taken.

We both failed as mothers. Humans do that. At least real ones do.

Love is tough.

L

[LaurieD]

Hello all

I hope you're all well.

I've been doing the homework set by the psychiatrist;confronting & eye-opening. Been emotional: anger at the injustice, hurt etc. Seems I am the scapegoat in my family with very narcissistic parents & the dynamics that go with that. Disbelief. Reflected on life & events, tested & gauged how things are today: textbook reactions. Ouch.

We know the A'n laws & Unit etc were corrupt: Inquiries, Apologies. Amother closed the "open" a'n in a year. Silence. '08: my twin secretly find son, turns him against me; then husband snaps: not recognised as the father cos didn't sign the consent form, yet he wasn't allowed to cos we weren't married; he snaps, turns on me, nearly took me out, tried to take other 3 kids cos I let them take our first. Dept no help, I illegally shared son's identifying info with 3rd party ie his father: they hand my backside to me. Only I legally recognised, ex plays on that. I tell my twin to stay out of it: family believe her, toss me out. Court cases: didn't believe me. Took DVO against me to avoid hearing: you'll be grilled as to why you gave away his son without his consent. Massive PTSD, psych said leave, moved to island. Crap continued until '16 via my kids; much counselling, kids ok but youngest severe Lupus. '18 my family finally believes me, I'm taken back into the fold & ex & twin tossed out. Today: after 31yrs of trying to work things out, 2wks ago I told again deserved to lose son etc.

For 7mths trying to contact son & Aparents, his sister speak to me, son not want to & Aparents still haven't. Discovered another lie; Dept? so 2 days ago I said I'll send genetic test info re severe mutation found 12yrs ago & couldn't tell him about, wished them all the best & goodbye.

I'm not perfect but I've unknowingly enabled very narcissistic people for 5 decades & believed I was the problem. Counselling, making amends, me change, try to help son: all failed to solve issues. Psych teaches re narcissists:they never change. Surrender, accept it & commit to building a life without them. It's painful. Probly knee-jerk but I want nothing to do with anything that relates to the forced rel't & a'n; don't want to know, think or talk about it, just let it fade away. I doubt reunion will ever happen but I'm starting to think that might be the best thing to stay away from me & my family. He's been used to attack me too much already & it's deeply harmed him. So I'll leave it alone, cry for a bit & then make art.

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Pheobe

I hope you are well. i haven't been on for a while and have to catch up on the discussions posted, but i just wanted to tell you from the posts that i have read, that your son sounds like a very lovely man indeed. Surely considering the pressure from his adoptive family to not relate, his nature is a reflection of you. And he shares the same adoptive name as my daughter!

I will try to respond with my thoughts on some of the posts very soon.

Terese

[Pineapple_patch]

Hi Michele

I have been fascinated reading your story. Thank you for sharing your perspective and journey. I greatly admire your determination to achieve the relationship that you desire with your bmom.

I hope you are well.