Seeking long term support - I'm a mother whose firstborn was coercively taken for adoption 30+ years ago. Severe PTSD, MDD, complicated grief & more.

[LaurieD]

Hello

I've hesitated to post in these forums as loss to adoption is often a volatile topic, but I write in hopes of meeting other mothers and fathers too who have lost to adoption against their will. I am blessed with wonderful help now but what I'd highly value is to meet others like me in here for ongoing interaction, especially when I'm running rough. Like right now. I'm suspicious this time of year (Nov) has an anniversary date in it but I can't recall what that could be.

I know the richness of trusted friends who walk beside each other, sharing their experiences and what gives them strength and hope can be the most helpful sometimes. Knowing the diagnoses etc is helpful, but living with it every day is the challenge and cannot be done alone. This environment allows for focus upon difficulties which perhaps my friends & family are somewhat jaded by after over 30 years, especially since they don't know what it's like to live with (thank goodness!).

Is there anyone in here who also walks this life-long journey with whom I could join in support for each other?

Thank you for your time :).

Kind regards

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Dear Pheobe

Your post brings me to tears. Your carefully chosen words and your ability to hit the nail on the head are moving. Thank you for reflecting on and understanding my situation.

Mixed messages most definately. i could see in some interactions she cared for me and then a rug would be pulled for some reason. Very anxiety provoking for me. It is her birthday soon so i will text her. Not much is exchanged between us but it is a link to be maintained and one day under the right circumstances might grow to more.

I must tell you that your friends comparison of raising children to reunion with their adopted child is my favourite 'fairy dust sprinkled walk in the park'. I hope i didn't give up too easily but i felt that a boundary had to be set for who i am to her and how i would allow her to treat me. My new evolving 'self compassionate' self knows that i have always done the best that i could.

Terese

[LaurieD]

Hello Ladies & Gent 🙂

Are you still around, Croix? I hope so.

I'll visit in here tomorrow and catch up on all your lovely letters :).

Stay well.

Love

Laurie xoxoxoxo

[PhoebeWings]

Dear Terese,

Just wanted to quickly respond, given this time of year for you...

I hope you can have a private and gently self-sustaining celebration of your daughters birthday. The anniversary month has always been a volatile time for me too, a mix of joy and grief, numbness, you know how it is through the days and weeks around that time.

My son lives in the UK.

So, on the actual date of his birthday, I’ve always had a special date with myself and my son-filled heart. A slow day. A walk, a lunch somewhere, a gift to myself even.

Anything to raise the day and in effect, light a candle.

I hope we can stay in conversation Terese.

I just want to add, you know, in the first few years, my son would withdraw and then flood me with communication.

I remember once he had been pretty silent for a good few weeks and then just as I was about to lose my mind with fear that he was going to disappear again, he sent me an email.

He said he was sorry that it had taken him so long to get in touch after last our phone call, but he was feeling so overwhelmed with the intrusive and constant thinking about us and his adoption and the emotions it brought up - he just had to push it away or his professional and personal life would fall apart.

I think this may be true for many in reunion. Trying to live our daily lives with such complex and painful parallel forces, such as our families, jobs and stuff, whilst ‘there’ exists this other world of the heart .

Keep safe and well dear, there may well be richer days ahead with your daughter.

I hope our conversations help or are comforting in that we can all share and not feel alone.

I know it comforts me, so thank you 💐

Phoebe

[LaurieD]

Hi everyone 🙂

I hope you're all well.

Therese - how are you faring in your anniversary time? Thinking of you xo.

Phoebe - the way you articulate thoughts & feelings in the experiences of you and your son are very encouraging and full of empathy. Very comforting - thank you :).

Michele - it's taking me a while to process what you've shared, to try and comprehend your perspective as an adopted person & who is now an adult. Powerful stuff. Stay safe in Victoria!

Croix - I hope you are going well :).

My quietness in here is not disinterest. So much thought provoking content & powerful insights in what everyone says it's taking me a while to contemplate & process it all.

Stay safe everyone.

Love,

Laurie xoxoxoxo

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Laurie,

I just popped in, like you, I’ve been thinking of everyone on this thread.... and sometimes just can’t really find the words.

As you said, so much to process.

When I first read your insights into the story behind your son’s adoption, the pressure and lack of support - I wanted to say a thousand and one things that perhaps would acknowledge and comfort in some way - but instead stalled. And stalled again.

I was talking online with a friend in America - we were sharing some up updates in our lives.... she is the one who described raising three boys as a fairy-dust sprinkled walk in the park compared to reconnecting with her son who was adopted.... although the hardest early years are now behind her.

Her son would swing between cleaving to her and then pulling away and then radio silence in the first few years.

They have a warm and close relationship... it takes time.

Anyway, it’s all very difficult to navigate.

I still have to keep on top of the fears and hurts and the trauma that lives with me from my younger life.

We survive. And even thrive despite everything ❤️

Take care everyone X

[LaurieD]

Hey Phoebe

Your letter is perfect timing. I imagine if we were together in person (all of us) we'd be either so choked up with so much to say that we don't say anything, or we'd full with so much to say, no in-between :). I sense your heart in your words, you 'get it' = a treasure.

Thriving: I think I need to learn that from you cos it's something I don't know much about atm. Surviving: yes, recently focused upon my childhood ie the context of the coercion to relinquish=massive narcissitic abuse syndrome apparently & finally see it's still going on today. They say attachment is a need to combat PTSD, never had that with my parents ever. But I have made progress now with the root source being identified & addressed.Strange how I never saw it before.

Wish I could have a hug atm. Just had a 'warm' chat in adoptee rights group I support re a meme that wasn't nice re we parents, not meant to be mean but I've noticed many adoptees think we have more choice than we really do/have even today. Did she listen? No. I was being polite, specific, explaining but her need to be right matters more whereas I value truth. Upsets me when I hear resentment from so many adoptees aimed at us esp when it's from basic factual errors.

I've been making a website on which I want to journey through various aspects of loss to a'n & as I go ID insights & helpful stuff esp from other's like yourself-glean the wisdom type thing & a site is to reach people,but I have doubts now; exposing myself to more nastiness? Perhaps my son shouldn't see it? Tempted to delete it but maybe a password instead. Dunno. A book instead? I can't handle pain from others yet make a public site?!! Am so indecisive!

I wish I could forget everything about ad'n 4ever. Where can I go to escape me? For years avoidance was all I had to cope but since being "made" to get therapy there's no rest, escape, break. This is for life so what's the point of therapy;to recover, heal? Some things yes but this is for life, there is no end so constant focus on healing via therapy leads me to obsession frankly. What's wrong with putting it all in a box for a while & enjoying life? Y is recovery the goal when it's impossible? Isn't endurance wiser,Y not teach me that? Thus my website thing ie find out myself from people who live with it. Call it investigative counselling vs journalism lol.I've learned so much in here about eg reunion cos it's a peer group like 12 Steps.

Off to draw & not think.

Stay well :).

Big hug

Lauriexo

[LaurieD]

Hello again.

Been a long night. Trying to do a "radical acceptance" insight & attitude but it's a hell of a wrestling match. I don't believe my son, his father (my ex husband) nor I will receive justice or anything like that, but I'd so hoped that the parents today whose babies are still being taken could be saved. But I was just reading the 2016 Amendment to the 2009 Adoption Act Qld looking for the point re father's being recognised but am now worse off than before. I'd not read these changes for myself & they're horrendous. Worse than in the past.
An eg: used to be that a child of married people could not be taken without both parent's consent. Now it can be done for eg if the couple are separated then the Act states they are not spouses, and yet under every other Act a Divorce Decree thingie is the only way to not be considered spouses by marriage. And it got worse as I scrolled down the list of amendments. Had to stop. Now I understand modern cases better & how easy it is for them to get a child without the need for shackles & drugs. I'm distressed at the audacity, the evil of it. It's legislated abduction & easy as pie to manipulate.

I have a copy of all the broken laws listed in detail that was submitted to the Senate Inquiry re past practices & it was thrown out. 3 lawyers & a judge helped prep it. Seems to me it was used as reference tho for the changes in the Act since '16 as all those things are covered now eg 1 way a court can dispense with a parent's consent if it's thought to be unreasonably withheld; unreasonable is not defined.No wonder adoption's on the rise again. Millions of Gen X, Y & now Z shifted from 1 family tree to another & no-one has been able to stop this in spite of decades fighting it. It's wrong.

I'm a bit of a mess atm thus the radical acceptance thing. It's like watching someone being harmed yet doing nothing to help them or stop it like slavery & WW2. No action=complicit. Do nothing=give up. Surrender=evil wins again. I have family members who work in government & I've often been tempted to ask for their help to fight this but I don't & the reason seems to be that deep down inside, I believe it's futile in these times. My heart breaks for the parents today; adoption isn't needed as so many other better options are available now & yet it goes on. Why?? Pure narcissism? Socialists invented a'n as it is so it's political?

Gotta let it go. Evil is real & I'm powerless to stop it.

L xo

[LaurieD]

Hello everyone 🙂

I hope you are all okay esp our Victorian & NSW friends. Gee it's rough for so many lately. My brother & his family live in Melbourne and all are soon to be unemployed cos of the virus impact. I hope you all don't mind my pausing on the topic of this thread as the pandemic seems a higher priority atm.

All of you please stay safe.

Love to all

Laurie

[Pineapple_patch]

Hi everyone. I hope you are all well.

I have some days off from work so i feel like i have the emotional space to visit you all. I've survived another birthday in exile from my daughter. Still no sign of any progress being made towards something more meaningful. I have thought about having a yearly ritual to get me through this time but i've never really come up with anything. I have been taking the day off from work in the past few years though. I find the days leading up to and the period after the actual day are the worst.

I've been having a good cry today which is great really, i have needed it. An old friend of mine, the brother of a school friend has been in the news. A suspicious death! I haven't seen him for 30 yrs perhaps, but hearing that he has died has taken my mind back to when we spent time together and a time when i was younger and more hopeful. Less worn down by life i guess. I feel very shocked and sad. Since i was crying anyway, i thought i would take the opportunity to watch Julia Gillards adoption apology. More tears. julia is a great public speaker and i am thankful to have her acknowledge me as a mother to my daughter. Not something that my daughter wants to do. I think her reference to adopted children feeling torn between loyalty to adopted families and yearning for their natural families is what i see in my daughter. Her speech was very inclusive but i do wonder if it was just words. I can't see that i have noticed any real change in society since this time?

It was good to get some emotion out today, and after a nice warm shower i'm feeling a bit better though still quite refective.

Terese

[PhoebeWings]

Hi Terese,

You’ve been in my thoughts.

Dear lady, yes, I well know the anniversary pain.... I haven’t met or spoken to a Mother like us who escapes it.

I find letting myself sink into those days, quietly living through my thoughts as the only way - I have to listen to myself and just avoid anything too hectic or whatever.
Given my ongoing relationship with my son, I somehow split between genuine and heartfelt uplifting cheers and joy for his birthday, his life.... whilst silently living this other inner need for time to breathe through the hurt, grief that goes with carrying this freaking rotten personal loss that has coloured my whole life.

We get there. We get there.

Like you, I found Gillard really spoke to women like us.... I really appreciate that she listened, was moved and offered us the compassion that has been missing in our lived experience.

Nothing like a darn good cry.

Hope you are feeling stronger.

Kind thoughts to everyone on this thread,

Phoebe.