Long story, sorry! Am in such torment. I'm 50 and my mother (now 79) is
a narcissist and emotionally abusive my entire life. My Dad left so it
was just her and I. As a child, I had to pretty much parent myself, her
behaviour was childish and neglectf...
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Long story, sorry! Am in such torment. I'm 50 and my mother (now 79) is
a narcissist and emotionally abusive my entire life. My Dad left so it
was just her and I. As a child, I had to pretty much parent myself, her
behaviour was childish and neglectful. As a result of her neglect, I
ended up experiencing trauma at other's hands, several times which only
adds to my PTSD. She provided shelter, meals, clothing, and even gifts
for Xmas/birthdays But couldn't provide love or interest in me. She used
emotional manipulation and a lot of guilting - eg: telling me "Maybe she
should just kill herself" if I disagreed with her. If I were upset,
she'd call me a baby and tell me she had it worse her whole life. I
became a perfectionist, trying to be perfect in every way. I became
overly caring with everyone to the point of neglecting myself and my own
needs. Still, due to crushing guilt, I kept her in my life and my
children's lives. She continued to rage at me, in front of them for
silly issues (always when my husband wasn't present). She snooped in my
passwords book and read all my emails in my account, logged into my FB
account from her computer and had access for a year before I realised.
She told me she hadn't felt love for me since I was a child, she mocked
me mercilessly when I cried, mimicking my voice and tears even in front
of my kids. There is so, so much more but too much to write here. Every
now and then she will act nice and send a gift or a card, but whenever I
ask her to acknowledge the hurt she's caused me, she goes silent and she
has never uttered the word sorry in her life, she tells me I am the
disturbed, crazy one and I need help, not her. In 2012 I moved with my
husband and children to Australia (I am from the US) - for a better life
and to be away from her. I have tried to extend olive branches at times,
photos and updates of the kids, trying to visit when back in the US. It
has always ended badly and with me in tears. Nothing I do is ever enough
for her. A visit is "bad" because if I don't give her all of my time on
a visit I am horrible. I'm going home for a visit soon. She has had
other email me and bash me for not giving her enough time when I get
home. They don't believe she's abusive and told me I am selfish. Now I
am not seeing her but the guilt is crushing me...to death. She just
wrote that she's 79 and might die soon and I'll be sorry when she is on
her deathbed (she's currently very healthy). But I feel crushing guilt.
Help.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
