Trauma, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.

[Andrewbb]

What to do when you have 10 brothers and sisters, and Mother has passed away and feeling alone and lonely, feeling abandonded and a deep sense of being betrayed.

Have not worked properly for 5 years as gave up work to be Mum's carer fulltime.

Isolated' no friends' (have a distant friend) no family' no job and not much job prospects.

The grieving (which was delayed response for 15 months) feels like lead in my body and so weight bearing physically' mentally and spiritually.

Feeling lost' no puroose of life anymore.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Andrew,
It is a weird sensation when the role of carer ends.
You'd think we'd just pick up from where we left off and carry on, but that point (reminiscent of 'Back to the Future'!) just doesn't exist - we are different as a result of the time devoted to caring (and how things change around us over that time).

So we need to find a 'new normal', one to build up interests - some from the past, but essentially discovering new pathways that suit whoever we are now.

And you are absolutely correct: grieving comes and goes in waves (in my case, usually when things are demanding) and there is nothing wrong with letting those feelings travel through you.

I'd be interested to hear how you coped (dealing with family et al) and any options you may have considered to move ahead with your life.

[Andrewbb]

Hello Tranzcrybe.

Thanks for your message. It sounds nice and non judgemental, and it's a nice feeling to see it and reply.

Copeing... geez.

Well it is very upsetting once this carers role ended for me.

I felt so strong and so happy and so invincible whilst sticking up for such a beautiful and strong woman (being Mum).

How can someone not care for such a person. During, towards the end, and after, I had no help and I simply could not understand how my brothers and sisters (besides one who helped in the last 2 weeks when needed the most) would not engage this beautiful woman being their own mother, and to be at her side as they all knew her life was ending rapidly. Even the last 3 months towards the end, non of them assisted their own mother with any caring duties what so-ever.

So......

Copeing whilst being a carer was like 1000% non conditional. I didnt Cope, i just did. I did what i had to do to serve such a person. I Coped at the time with my mothers love each day, hourly, moment by moment.

My Mum was so thankful that one of her children (me) stayed by her side and protected her and fed her and sat with her and provided company. 

This is how I coped. I felt nothing could stop me and nothing did.

Day by day I simply could not believe my requests for assistance and support from siblings where constantly unanswered.

No help came besides a sister whom lived 3 hours away up central coast. (She came and helped fortnightly for visits and to give me a rest. In the last 2 weeks she stayed at home here and cared for mum during the night and ide care for her during the day).

I Coped with my mothers love for me and mine for her.

I didnt worry about after. My mothers wish was to not suffer a long painful death, and not to die alone.

I coped with my adrenalin peaking above the clouds, the last few weeks i barely slept, i could sleep, I just did what I had to do to help my mother pass away quietly at home where she wanted to be. I helped my mother breath her last breaths, I listened to her heart as it stopped.

I felt so happy I helped my mother die, she was happy till the end. My mother told me she loved me so mamy times for helping her as she became weaker and weaker, especially the last few days.

These are the feelings I now know that cannot be described to people or even worse, my mothers own siblings couldnt care less because she made a Will for me to keep the house as a reward for being her carer.

So now you might think wow, you have a house, great stuff and great job.

But now its Its hard to live without my family. They all hate me because they did not get any money and they wont till after the day I die, then the house will be sold and shared.

So this is now so hard to Cope with.

No family as they hate me and are jealous.

If I talk to friends or distant family  they become biase and judgemental, so I find i cannot talk about myself and story to them.

I am almost 55 years old now so not sure about work.

So I feel a sense of betrayal, traumatised by sadness, has left a feeling of PTSD because of how everything played out, and depression cause it has taken its toll on me and continueing to, and the ANXIETY of it all.

So I am here to try to cope more better to get me out of bed. I have Isolated myself too much.

ive been suffering a deep depression along with everything.

So now to Cope, I am here trying to find something to help myself Cope and move forward.

My Mental Health is suffering.

Now i also suffer a deep grieving process and doing it alone as i feel so lonely and been isolating.

'I will write more about Coping'

[Andrewbb]

Moving on with Coping.

It took 12 months of probate after the death of mum. During this period one brother attacked me with knives and I ran away in defence, and once again came at me with a hammer to argue with me and i locked myself in the laundry till he went away. I had to put a voilence order on him and got him removed from the residence as he parked himself here and threatened me constantly to sell the house so he can have a share. Several siblings continued to come to the house and yell and scream and threaten me to try make me sell the house.

They came at me many times, mum.warned me this would happen but told me to not give in as they will do to you what they have always done to me. They will pressure you so ''dont give in''y mum said many times.

So Ive lived through this for  the first 15 months of my mums passing.

Unreal. Unbelievable.

My mental health was heightened and didnt really know at the time but it was adrenalin pumping and nerve wrecking.

My ANS (automated nervous system) was breaking down.

I started googling things about mental health to try learn like ''what is going on, im living through a nightmare''.

So I started to 'Cope' by googling things and trying to learn what is happening to me.

I started counselling and my Dr and counsellors are telling me ' you are grieving'. I answered I dont know what you mean, i dont know what grief or grieving is yet. I honestly still couldnt grieve. I didnt know what it was !?

So... probate period finished (12 months) and court cases to defend my mums Will finished, and having to evict my own brother due to family domestic voilence (17 months aftet DOD), I finally felt like my body was resting which is now 18 months away.

I honestly felt and realised i have been running on an adrenaline feeling and I started to feal my body rest 18 months after DOD.

One day 19 months later, I woke up crying and it just wouldnt stop.

I 'cried' for 3 to 4 days profusely, and then I continued to cry for about 3 months. I realised I am now 'Grieving'.

So this continued till October last year, at this time 24.months after DOD.

So its been 6 more months ive been isolated, depressed, feeling traumatised by all this going on and the ANXIETY of everything is so bad.

I thought and was saying to myself in October last year that i need to get over all this but it has been hard.

I realise now my body was Coping on a fight or flight pattern which made my adrenalin peak for about 2 years as my adrenalin was hitting the clouds before DOD.

So 'Coping'.

I am trying to get my body clock to function properly.

My ANS i feel is still recovering.

I am learning what depression is more and more.

Still learning about Anxiety as this is now the worst ongoing thing i live with, so yeah learning to cope with this.

Trauma, how could caring for someone lead to Trauma ' omg'.

PTSD well again who would have imagined this to play out like it has. So I am dealing with this.

All this and more, Social anxiety, panic attacks a bit, isolating etc... all this is making me feel and think accidently about suicide now.

So now I live with this ongoing suicidality i have to deal with.

So to still answer how am I Coping, well..... I am.just hanging in there/ here.

This has bought me to find help here with Beyond Blue.

Ongoing counselling is my Coping strategy. I am very sad and lonely.

Its been roughly 30 months now since DOD and I am now recovering from Grieving and ongoing Grief, Depression, PTSD, Trauma, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Isolation, and now Suicidality.

Like who could even make this stuff up!

I will write more about how I am coping now with ongoing 'coping skills' i am teaching myself. 🤗

[tranzcrybe]

Hey Andrew,
Thanks for your comprehensive portrayal of what I could only describe as nightmarish.

Your story quite remarkably mirrors my own, although stopping short of violence and contested Wills for which I can only be grateful in retrospect.

There is more I need to unpick in your posts in order to provide a cogent reply, so please allow me to consider the full extent of your trauma to offer support in shared experience.

Although improbable to contemplate, you are not alone in this!

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Andrew,

You have been put through the wringer from all angles; and yes, PTSD and trauma from caring will manifest itself when giving ourselves over to the needs of loved ones.

Unlike ‘raising’ children, we must acknowledge our task effectively involves working in reverse – to accommodate and comfort them, provide assistance and medical support, while recognising that nothing will arrest the decline runs at odds with our best efforts. We can find ourselves slowly vanishing as needs and the reality become all consuming. I would describe this as ‘grieving the living’.

But despite the duress and heartache, I wouldn’t replace the memories of my dad’s final years. I learned so much more about him and myself which is something my siblings never cared to participate in. I felt annoyed and bewildered as to why they distanced themselves – long held views of even longer held grievances had closed their hearts to what mattered more. Hard not to take that as a personal sleight both against me and my dad, but I feel for their loss in not sharing time to rise above ingrained hostilities.

Sadly, it is the lost esteem for my siblings which is the burden I carry today.

This is only one facet of your saga, but I have more to add… in stages.

[Andrewbb]

Hello Tranzcrybe.

Thank you for your time again for your message.

It is ver helpful to 

[Andrewbb]

Hello 

Omg i lost heaps of txt 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Andrew,
Yes, this has been a problem for others as well (including me) and it can be frustrating trying to recollect what usually takes a lot of time and effort to put together.

Although there is an ‘auto save’ function, I doubt it keeps more than the most recent draft (possibly another thing for techs to consider) and presently one must watch out for the ‘character limit’ which can only be guessed internally; so I don’t trust the reply window and its ‘user unfriendly’ design, preferring to prepare in Notepad or similar (this also allows me to review periodically without signing in).

Please don’t let this dissuade you from trying again as there is much to unravel, but I do understand how deflating this can feel when things are tough enough to navigate without this additional obstacle.

Take care not to let this upset you.

[David35]

I'm 47 and care for my mum. I too developed PTSD as a result of her cancer treatment. My brother didn't help at all. I too have a provision in the will to keep some sort of residence. My mum has also warned me if anything happens to her, not to cave into my brothers demands, usually regarding finances, living situation,etc, which he did after dad died.

You've been through a tough time. You would have no regrets. Just think you would have been one of the last faces she saw.