Grief and loss

Darker than black.

replies: 3

Hello everyone, I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with mino... View more

Hello everyone, I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with minor difficulties. Things were on the mend for about 16 months until last October when I received the dreaded phone call from my brother who was under the impression that it was serious but not dire, when he told me that I need to make arrangements and travel interstate to say goodbye to our mum. The cancer had resurfaced in her pancreas and in under 20 days it spread to her liver and dispersed into her blood stream. By the time i arrived at her side she had under two hours left of her life. I was immediately spoken to regarding the prospect of euthanasia (which i understood was illegal )? However when my personal analysis of the entire situation was complete i could see why that horrible topic was brought up? I don't know what part exactly has disturbed me the most? The confrontation of crying relatives and sad combined energy, the state of her ? or the shock of seeing my mum try to communicate with me in short 10 second intervals before the medication took over her cognitive functionality, she looked like a hippie (I'll never forget her eyes)! I would not wish it upon anyone. That night after she died i sat with my siblings while they engaged in the "blame game" fuled by unresolved conflict and alcohol and that numbing benediction of unnecessary drama never gets any less tedious. I sat there in shock, complete disbelief, that visceral raw emotional pain that I refuse to expel in front of most people. Being the first born in my family i felt it was paramount that I allow everyone else to break down around me while I jumped into a more caretaker type role. Subconscious denial can be a powerful coping mechanism i guess? I felt every burning emotional sub set listed in fact i even felt others that are a little too dark for any list of symptoms associated with death. almost two months on and i am unsure what stage I'm in now? I'm not eating, sleeping nor taking appropriate steps for recovery. In a way it's like i chose euthanasia for myself? Secret permission to leave this nightmare. In silence with my demons. Jay

Lifelong depression, anxiety and panic compounded by the recent unexpected loss of my mother

replies: 8

I need help and advice, please. I am a 25 year old woman who has dealt with anxiety, depression and and panic disorder since puberty. I am yet to find treatment that works for me, though I am yet to give up. I have found several roadblocks in terms o... View more

I need help and advice, please. I am a 25 year old woman who has dealt with anxiety, depression and and panic disorder since puberty. I am yet to find treatment that works for me, though I am yet to give up. I have found several roadblocks in terms of costs and waiting lists. For as long as I can remember I have found it increasingly more difficult to go to work (and as a child, school) I find myself having panic attacks the night before or the morning of a shift. I have begun to wonder if this is a form of agoraphobia, as any activity where I feel that I cannot immediately leave if I want to, seems to trigger this for me. I have fought through this for so long, with it increasingly becoming more difficult. Most of the time I can force myself to do what I need to do despite the nausea and racing heart and general feeling of needing to run far away. But for the last year or so it has had such a hold on me, causing me to miss alot of work and lose a job. I decided to study for 12 months instead of working, but the same panic affected me in the same way when it came to placement - and it once again beat me, I'm now forced to withdraw because I was unable to complete the placement. This has left me feeling suicidal more than once, feeling as though I'll never be a functioning person, though I never act on it because I couldn't hurt my loved ones in that way. I refused to sink this time, and picked myself up almost immediately and threw myself into jobs interviews and casual work before securing a full time position. Three days before I was due to start this job my mother very suddenly and unexpectedly passed away. I was with her and performed cpr on her until the paramedics arrived, they were unable to revive her. I did well at first, I kept myself busy, planning the funeral and staying strong for those around me - not wanting them to worry about me. But now I just feel hopeless. I took a month off and went to work for a couple of weeks before I got injured and then sick, causing me to miss the past week and dread going back. I feel that everything is just too hard, how do I deal with these issues as well as dealing with the loss of my mother simultaneously. I am exhausted, I have been exhausted for so long and now I just feel I have nothing left. All of my friends and family have been wonderful, but it's true that everyone begins to disappear after a few weeks. I feel I'm just a burden to them now. Please help.

Lost my sister and not coping

replies: 2

Hi everyone I'm here because I lost my sister to suicide 5 months ago and I'm not coping. I feel anxious, on the verge of tears all the time, hopeless, irritable and unsure of myself. My partner, family and friends are supportive but I don't want the... View more

Hi everyone I'm here because I lost my sister to suicide 5 months ago and I'm not coping. I feel anxious, on the verge of tears all the time, hopeless, irritable and unsure of myself. My partner, family and friends are supportive but I don't want them to worry too much or overload them. I feel like my whole life is pointless even though objectively I know it's not. I'm seeing a counsellor periodically and reading a lot of books. I have a strong desire to change my job and location, but I'm not sure if now is a good time to be doing that. However my job seems intolerable now and I hate going there. I don't know what to do as I'm scared of feeling so hopeless. Thank you for any help you can give me.

Family member who committed suicide

replies: 12

Hello I'm amber and my brother suicided in June and I'm really struggling with the why's and other thoughts. Is there any other people out there that have had a family member suicide?

Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling

replies: 8

Dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago. Mum passed away 7 years ago. I’m 46 and struggling. I went back to work a couple of days after dads funeral, and have had to take this week off work as I am now finding it harder to cope. Is this normal? I am n... View more

Dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago. Mum passed away 7 years ago. I’m 46 and struggling. I went back to work a couple of days after dads funeral, and have had to take this week off work as I am now finding it harder to cope. Is this normal? I am now also feeling guilty for taking the time off work, which is making me feel worse. I seen my doctor earlier this week, and have to go back to see her today. I am feeling very down, which is making me feel so sick.

25 years and still hate myself

replies: 2

its amazing how time flies and you dont even notice. i have tried to move forward but it still plays on my mind every day. its almost 25 years since my dad died from suicide. i was 10 years old but it still feels like yesterday, i still remember seei... View more

its amazing how time flies and you dont even notice. i have tried to move forward but it still plays on my mind every day. its almost 25 years since my dad died from suicide. i was 10 years old but it still feels like yesterday, i still remember seeing him walking along the side of the road and me on the school bus watching him as it drove away. i knew something wasnt right i had this sense that it wasnt but did nothing. when i got home i found out what happened then it hit me like a tonne of bricks, i could of stopped this i could of been there and he wouldnt of done it. even now i still hate myself and i hate him, i hate him for doing this to me making me feel like this but i still also love him. its hard to figure out how to feel, its tough i cried when i was a kid but now its hard, its hard to be emotional about it as due to length since occurring but i see these people older then me who have there dads still and i feel this tug at my heart of loneliness. i dont have anyone to talk to, to discuss male issues have that father son chat about life. i visited his grave site recently and it was tough cause what do you say a plaque, is he listening, does he understand that the effect this has had on me growing up and still has an effect on my life now. hardest thing i have found is letting go and accepting that he has gone and that i could of done something.

Grief and Loss

replies: 1

Hi Ive recently had to advise my partner his father has passed away unexpectedly and have been supporting him and mother in law during this process. Mother in law has health issues and requires 24/7 support as her husband was also main carer. Since f... View more

Hi Ive recently had to advise my partner his father has passed away unexpectedly and have been supporting him and mother in law during this process. Mother in law has health issues and requires 24/7 support as her husband was also main carer. Since father inlaw passing mother in law has been stating she is free and can do what she wants now. Doesn't have a care in the world and doesn't care that people are putting there lives on hold and trying to assist her to ensure she is cared for as much as possible. I suffer with Depression and Anxiety and yesterday she kept having a go at me and blaming me for things that I had not done. I know that this is her health concern but she is also being spiteful. I am now struggling with my daily routines and feel terrible as I couldn't remain strong for my partner. I need help and don't know where to turn.

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago

replies: 4

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago. The pain, loss, guilt, loneliness, isolation from this grief is unbearable. Let alone having to come to terms that I'm all alone again. 45 single no kids and broken. He has left a big hole in my life and at... View more

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago. The pain, loss, guilt, loneliness, isolation from this grief is unbearable. Let alone having to come to terms that I'm all alone again. 45 single no kids and broken. He has left a big hole in my life and atm I don't even want to wake up in the morning and process that he's gone all over. I'm broken over the fact that i didn't get to say the things I should have. I didn't get to tell him that i loved him recently because I was frustrated and dragged down by his depression. Yes I am getting grief counseling and I feel that every body else closely affected has a partner or family to spend their nights with. He was my companion and now I'm all alone.

Clinical depression and grief

replies: 16

Hi there peeps. Ive written on here a number of times so I thought I’d put down some of my thoughts and possibly someone can tell me what is what. 2014 rolled around. Wife and I had found a better place. Life was ok. I had some stressors in my life. ... View more

Hi there peeps. Ive written on here a number of times so I thought I’d put down some of my thoughts and possibly someone can tell me what is what. 2014 rolled around. Wife and I had found a better place. Life was ok. I had some stressors in my life. A failing family business, a struggling marriage and worry about a diagnosis after a check up (year and half before that I was in correctly diagnosed with liver cancer at 40). Hence the worry. All was fine. 2 weeks after that I started to feel more anxious and started questioning certain ailments and feelings that I had. Could it be cancer? As I started to spiral into anxiety, depression kicked in too. Before you know I severely anxious and very depressed. I was so scared I always needed reassurance on a constant basis. That went on for almost a year. My psych told me it was trauma but If I look back on I now I didnt have flashbacks, I didn’t have nightmares and I didn’t think about it. I was just overly anxious desperate and depressed. I knew it would effect my marriage and surely enough my wife left almost exactly a year after my mental illness hit me. For the next 3 years I begged, pleaded, got angry, gave her space, push it out of my mind, become obsessed, begged, pleaded. Yet I knew her coming back wouldn’t make me feel better whatsoever. My stupid psych said it will take time. It will get better. What he didn’t understand was my mood disorder. I felt horrible. Sure there were periods where I felt ok but it would always comeback. I wanted her so badly. In reality I needed her. I was sad that she was gone yet I couldn’t make myself better. It’s now been over 3 years since she left and over 4 years since my anxiety and depression hit. I know it’s not gone as I still fight it everyday yet and I’ve thankfully changed psychiatrists. These are what are going through my head; rumination, deep sadness, anxiety, loneliness, useless, no self esteem, unlovable, feel like a failure, no enthusiasm for life, deep despair about my past with my relationship, no hope, feelings of a lost life, guilt, longing for the past (not her but our relationship, fear of the future, scared, memories of the relationship, not good enough, grief, deep loss, hopelessness. i can’t keep living like this and I feel like life is leaving me behind. I cannot see a future or a present and I’m sick and tired of it. Are those attributes are apart of depression and grief? fab

Grief and how to deal with it.

replies: 2

Hi guys, My depression started as post natal, i was on and off my meds thinking and hoping i could stay off them. I got off them a for a bit. Had another baby and bam. Back to it all again. Things were going well so i stopped. AGAIN.. all was well an... View more

Hi guys, My depression started as post natal, i was on and off my meds thinking and hoping i could stay off them. I got off them a for a bit. Had another baby and bam. Back to it all again. Things were going well so i stopped. AGAIN.. all was well and good.. 2years later. My mum/best friend passed away suddenly in her sleep (artheroslerotic heart disease) she didnt even know she has it!! Fell into a hole and was back on them again. 3 years on. With the most wonderful supportive husband and kids im still struggling with everything. All i want to do is hidr in my bed and netflix all day. I dont like doing anything.. its affecting work, life and everything inbetween. Ive lost the one person i could pour all my problems to without any judgement or pity. My mum was. My everything and I'm trying so hard but i just feel its pulling me further and further down. Im at a loss and i do not know what to do anymore.. Is there anyone that could share some light x

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Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

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Darker than black.

replies: 3

Lifelong depression, anxiety and panic compounded by the recent unexpected loss of my mother

replies: 8

Lost my sister and not coping

replies: 2

Family member who committed suicide

replies: 12

Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling

replies: 8

25 years and still hate myself

replies: 2

Grief and Loss

replies: 1

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago

replies: 4

Clinical depression and grief

replies: 16

Grief and how to deal with it.

replies: 2

Grief and loss

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section replies: 0

Darker than black. replies: 3

Lifelong depression, anxiety and panic compounded by the recent unexpected loss of my mother replies: 8

Lost my sister and not coping replies: 2

Family member who committed suicide replies: 12

Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling replies: 8

25 years and still hate myself replies: 2

Grief and Loss replies: 1

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago replies: 4

Clinical depression and grief replies: 16

Grief and how to deal with it. replies: 2

Welcome to the Grief and Loss section

replies: 0

Darker than black.

replies: 3

Lifelong depression, anxiety and panic compounded by the recent unexpected loss of my mother

replies: 8

Lost my sister and not coping

replies: 2

Family member who committed suicide

replies: 12

Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling

replies: 8

25 years and still hate myself

replies: 2

Grief and Loss

replies: 1

My boyfriend committed suicide 3 weeks ago

replies: 4

Clinical depression and grief

replies: 16

Grief and how to deal with it.

replies: 2