Dad passed away 6 weeks ago and still struggling

Millie71 · ‎23-08-2018

Dad passed away suddenly six weeks ago. Mum passed away 7 years ago. I’m 46 and struggling. I went back to work a couple of days after dads funeral, and have had to take this week off work as I am now finding it harder to cope. Is this normal? I am now also feeling guilty for taking the time off work, which is making me feel worse. I seen my doctor earlier this week, and have to go back to see her today. I am feeling very down, which is making me feel so sick.

LavenderTea · ‎23-08-2018

Hey there Millie71,

I'm really sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the pain that you must be going through.

Grief is a normal part of anyone's life. Having your father pass away suddenly is not an easy thing to deal with. To expect yourself to be back at work within a day of his funeral might not be realistic at this point in time, and that's okay.

I understand that you do need to try to continue with the daily tasks you would usually (e.g. work), but you do also need to allow yourself time to grieve. It sounds to me that the suddenness of your fathers passing means that you didn't get a chance to say goodbye - I'd imagine that this would be incredibly hard for you.

Have you got a support network around you at the moment? Other family members? Friends? This is really important because having people that you can talk to may help with some emotional relief. In saying that, everyone grieves differently, and there is no real time limit, or one way to grieve.

I'd suggest talking to your doctor about grief counselling if that's something you feel that would help. Beyond Blue also have a page on grief and loss that you might want to look at (copy and paste link... https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/grief-and-loss).

Please do continue to post here if you feel that it's helpful for you.

LT.

Millie71 · ‎23-08-2018

Thanks so much for your help. I didn’t get to say goodbye to dad. I took him to the hospital the afternoon before him passing, as he had the flu for four days and was struggling to breath. He had pneumonia, and they sent him home with antibiotics. We dropped him home at 8pm and he didn’t last the night. I was very close to my dad, and spoke to him every day. I now have the hard job of cleaning up his house and getting it ready to sell. I struggle going over there as I expect him to come to the door. I went over there on Sunday and that’s when I felt worse. I couldn’t go to work on Monday, and my partner suggested I see the doctor. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and she said to take a few days off until I go back today to see her. I just feel so guilty taking time off work. As if I don’t have enough on my mind.

LavenderTea · ‎30-08-2018

Hey Millie71,

That must be incredibly hard for you, though I'm glad to hear that you have some support from your husband - it is really important to have a good support network at a time like this.

It can make things difficult if you're burdening yourself with more guilt for taking time off of work. Sometimes it's helpful to consider those feelings, and think about what exactly is making you feel guilty, and trying to rationalize them. For example, if you're feeling guilty because co-workers are having to take on some of your work, try and consider things like whether you would do the same for a co-worker. It can be hard to do this in your own head, so it might be useful to have a conversation like this with your GP or your husband so they can help you work through it.

Ruby__2 · ‎30-08-2018

Hi Millie 71,

This is a difficult time for you.Grief has no time limit.It's ok to feel like you do.

As for work,they will understand.Take whatever leave you can-even LWOP.I just started employment after 18yrs and have had to take time off due to husband's diagnosis of lung cancer.They are quite supportive and have reassured me I am valued and family comes first.I have given myself time to get organized so I can return to work.

Don't do this alone.See a grief counselor, ask others for help.Take time to do only what you have to .

Do you have siblings or other family who can help,particularly with the property sale?It maybe worthwhile to see a solicitor, who can help you with this process.

I don't know if I have helped,but my Dad died 35yrs ago and my Mum 14yrs ago.Not a day goes by that I don't think about them.I believe that grief is the price we pay for loving someone.You obviously love your Dad.

Best thoughts and hugs to you.

Ruby 2

Cindy91 · ‎02-09-2018

Hi Millie,

Thanks for having the courage to reach out. Losing a father or a parent or any important life figure for that matter is devastating. You grieve for the loss of what was and what will never be again. Grieving is normal when you experience a huge loss such as this. You never forget or stop missing them but as time goes on hopefully it will not be all-consuming.

I lost my Dad when I was 19 (8 years ago now) and although it wasn’t sudden (he was sick for 3 years prior), I still remember the raw grief that I felt. I felt as if, how could life ever be good again, how could it ever be the same. And I remember all of a sudden coming to this realisation that everything that he was in my life is now a past memory, and that really made it sink in that I would never see him again, never hear his voice again, etc. I remember feeling so isolated as well thinking that no one understood my pain, and I also felt that people would tiptoe around me as they didn’t know what to say (again compounding feelings of isolation).

”A father lives on in your heart, in your memories, and in the way you see the world”. Although your father is not physically here anymore, he still lives on through everything that you are and because of that his memory will never stop living on.

Back to your story... please don’t feel guilty for putting yourself first by taking time off work. To be at work means you must be fit to work, if you need to look after yourself then you can’t service others... You can’t drive a car on an empty tank. My point is you are completely entitled to take time off work to take care of yourself, and hopefully you have supportive colleagues who understand that you are going through a tough time. It is good that you have taken the step in seeing your doctor. Please be guided by your idea of what feels right, instead of other people’s expectations of what is right. Everybody grieves differently, and everyone has had different life experiences and therefore thinks and behaves differently. No one can say that you’re grieving in the “wrong way” because that’s your individual experience of grief. It can’t be wrong because only you see the world through your eyes and so experience the loss in your own unique way.

Please take care of yourself. Sometimes the only way to get through a tough situation is acknowledging that yeah this situation sucks, and just validating that to yourself. Not trying to change it or make yourself “happier”, just be.

Hang10 · ‎02-09-2018

Hi Millie71,

So sorry to hear about your father passing. I hope you ok today beening Father’s Day. We the beyond blue team thinking of you today. So many wonderful friends have offered great love and support in your time of need like Lavender Tea, Ruby 2 and Cindy 91.

Take Care

Hang10

Millie71 · ‎02-10-2018

Thanks everyone for your help and support. I have been seeing a psychologist which has been very helpful.

I’ve now come across another hurdle. My 22 year old son has a bigger problem and won’t get any help. He has been out of work for some time, and was living with us for about 6 months, now living in my late fathers house until the end of this month. He is constantly saying that he is going to kill himself. I keep telling him to go to the doctors, and they will refer him to a psychologist, but he won’t do anything. We are paying for everything for him as he won’t go to Centrelink to get a benefit. As soon as you mention something about him working, he says, I can’t, if I do I’ll end up killing someone. I don’t know what to do with him, as he won’t listen to anything we are saying. He constantly wants money. His car rego has just expired and expects us to pay for it. We have told him we can’t pay for anything else. I really think he needs to be in a hospital. Any advice would be great. I am feeling so sick all the time worrying about what he’s going to do to either himself or someone else. He goes out with friends and does things he wants to do, but won’t do anything he needs to do. Thanks

Melinda

Angel1979 · ‎22-10-2018

I'm sorry for your loss. I feel your pain - my lovely Dad passed away very suddenly on 12 May this year. I am an only child and we were so close. I am still deeply depressed & it's going on six months now. I'm all right when I'm at work because I am distracted, but when I am at home, it's too easy to sit around thinking about it and that's when I feel worse. I really don't want to be here without him, but I have to go on because my youngest son is only 6 & I can't leave him without a parent. I don't know how I am going to go on with the rest of my life either. My Dad had only just turned 70 & had always been in great health (it was a very sudden fatal heart attack). We used to call each other every single morning at 7:00. Now when 7:00 comes, I look at the clock & think how we should be talking right about then. It still doesn't seem real at times. I wish I could say "It gets easier with time", but unfortunately that's not been my experience.