25 years and still hate myself

[fish84]

its amazing how time flies and you dont even notice. i have tried to move forward but it still plays on my mind every day. its almost 25 years since my dad died from suicide. i was 10 years old but it still feels like yesterday, i still remember seeing him walking along the side of the road and me on the school bus watching him as it drove away. i knew something wasnt right i had this sense that it wasnt but did nothing. when i got home i found out what happened then it hit me like a tonne of bricks, i could of stopped this i could of been there and he wouldnt of done it. even now i still hate myself and i hate him, i hate him for doing this to me making me feel like this but i still also love him. its hard to figure out how to feel, its tough i cried when i was a kid but now its hard, its hard to be emotional about it as due to length since occurring but i see these people older then me who have there dads still and i feel this tug at my heart of loneliness. i dont have anyone to talk to, to discuss male issues have that father son chat about life. i visited his grave site recently and it was tough cause what do you say a plaque, is he listening, does he understand that the effect this has had on me growing up and still has an effect on my life now. hardest thing i have found is letting go and accepting that he has gone and that i could of done something.

[Doolhof]

Dear fish84,

I am so sincerely sorry for the loss and grief you have experienced and are still experiencing so deeply and strongly. I am wondering if you have ever thought of grief counselling, or if you have Googled "How to cope with grief". You may find some answers and ways of coping with how you are feeling.

As a 10 year old child or even as a man aged 50, there may have been nothing that could have been done to stop your Dad from killing himself. Unfortunately people who are determined to end their lives may very well find a way of doing so as you have horrendously experienced.

I have been very close to ending my life. At that moment in time, all I wanted was for my pain to end. I was not able to think of the pain I may be causing others nor of the lifetime repercussions others would have had to endure.

You may never know why your Dad took his life. You must come to a realisation though that it was not your fault! It is no ones fault. It happens. It is a tragedy. It is confusing. It is heart breaking. It may not be understandable.

Would it help you to write your Dad a letter? Write down everything that is in your heart and mind. Then burn the letter or rip it up, or keep it, what ever you decide is okay.

I'm really sorry your grief, loss and the hurt you feel is so very painful for you.

Regards from Dools

[therising]

Hi fish84

I feel such great sorrow for you as you continue to try and make sense of such a traumatic event. My heart truly goes out to you (you the adult and you the 10 year old).

I do not seek to excuse the final action a person takes in their life, I can however try explaining it in some way. Those moments, when everything seems darkest, the thoughts that run through someone's head are a true reflection of the overwhelming darkness of depression. The battle with depression can be a deep, irrational and seemingly never ending internal battle. It is a battle involving both thought and chemistry within the brain.

It is a massive sense of responsibility that you have lived with for so long, involving the belief that you could have managed your dad's depression. As a mum, I can tell you that the greater responsibilities in life should be shouldered by adults, for good reason. To give an example of the impact of great responsibility in a young person's life: From the ages of about 4 to 18 my friend's daughter played mediator to her parents before and after they split up. The domestic violence faced in this young girl's life as well as the role she felt compelled to play sees her now dealing with depression, anxiety and a lost sense of self. The complexities involved in great responsibility play out in a child's mind is such complex ways. Still, you are dealing with the impact of your dad's depression, to this day (in one way or another).

If you are still left feeling a sense of guilt and resentment it leads me to wonder whether you ever received the most effective form of guidance. It is never too late to seek constructive guidance, to find a professional who may be able to help you manage in reaching moments of greater clarity. In reassessing the relationship you have with such an incredible tragedy, you may find the way to a greater relationship with yourself.

Whether we're forgiving our self or forgiving someone else, forgiving always comes down to moving forward through giving our self release from something (letting go). The way people often speak about forgiveness can leave us believing that forgiving is just something we're expected to do, in a single moment, but forgiveness is often a process to be worked through, just like grief is a process.

Take care of yourself fish84 and seek out the guidance you are longing for, that which leads you to greater self-love and personal forgiveness