I thought I'd try write out my story tonight as I'm really struggling
and just need somewhere to vent. The first half of 2020 was perhaps the
happiest I had ever been. I've had depression and anxiety since 2012,
and although it was stressful, it was ...
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I thought I'd try write out my story tonight as I'm really struggling
and just need somewhere to vent. The first half of 2020 was perhaps the
happiest I had ever been. I've had depression and anxiety since 2012,
and although it was stressful, it was manageable. I was content with my
relationships, my friendship circle was wide, I was working, losing
weight, feeling confident - everything was absolutely perfect. Around
September I started going into a depression, which I thought I could
handle, that eventually collapsed into a lot of health anxiety (you
might be able to see my old posts from that time). TL;DR after a dentist
appointment I became obsessed that there was something wrong with me and
that I'd die or my parents would die. This climaxed into two major panic
attacks where I nearly passed out, and several weeks in a disassociated
state. I left my job and just tried focusing on myself. I started
medication that worked wonders on my overall mood, anxiety and
disassociation for a few months and at the start of 2021 I got to move
out from my parents place and move in with all my friends, and that was
admittedly pretty fun and exciting, though I still struggled within. The
medication had stopped my panic attacks, but after a few months the
problems came back, and I still struggled in finding joy and peace. I
moved out with my partner in May 2021 and endured the lockdowns, which
exacerbated my symptoms. I was in a disassociated state for several
months, trying to hold down a job and work on our relationship, but this
didn't pan out. My partner wasn't very supportive during this period and
would put a lot of guilt and blame onto me for my situation. Christmas
passed, my birthday passed, my pet passed away and everything moved by
me in a blink of an eye with no emotional resonance. Fast forward to
today and here I am. I ended things with my partner, I'm not working,
I've tapered off my medication with help from my psych and it's much the
same. For the last several weeks the disassociation is gone, but I still
feel zapped of all life. Nothing makes me especially happy anymore and
I've always got a nervous ball of tension being squeezed in my abdomen.
Enjoying the moment is really hard; I have brainfog a lot of the time -
so much so that any really *deep* or complex conversations make my
thoughts really hard to organise, or when I meet new people I struggle
to know what to say and do. If I could be half as happy as I was in
2020, just for a day, I'd cry.