I have suffered depression for years possibly as a consequence of losing
both parents at a fairly young age leaving me to bumble through life on
my own. I have experienced all those cliched expressions, the dark
tunnel, the deep hole, the black dog, ...
View more
I have suffered depression for years possibly as a consequence of losing
both parents at a fairly young age leaving me to bumble through life on
my own. I have experienced all those cliched expressions, the dark
tunnel, the deep hole, the black dog, I have often contemplated ways out
to end the suffering, there have been days when making the effort to
shower and leave my house to walk the block to the supermarket have
seemed almost insurmountable. But I seem to be somehow resilient, even
when I really want to quit I seem to get through and try as much to live
in the moment, I feel like I am constantly swimming with my head just
above water. Over years I have developed an inability to enter into a
relationship, I have no confidence and have often failed in my ability
to be able to determine if a person is decent and good or not so I
choose now to live alone. The one thing that has helped me the most are
my pets, my cats are a reason to get up and function, to feed, to groom,
to clean litter, change water, to play with and pet, to just pet on the
couch. I adopted a rescue dog, I class as one of the (few) best things
that have ever happened in my life. She makes me feel happy and I know
she loves me and I love her, for twelve months after I got her, for the
first time in years I felt free of depression, I barely recognised this
feeling but I was always aware that just like an alcoholic who no longer
drinks it (the depression) would always be lurking. It came back
eventually, insidiously creeping in to cloud my mind and take over my
heart. Today I bought a puppy (I don't expect I'll be able to 'cure' my
depression by obtaining an animal every time I feel sad :), I brought my
pup home and we sat in the sun, this particular pup is a breed I have
wanted to own since I can remember. It made me realise that in the whole
of my life I have only ever twice fulfilled any of my dreams, for as
long as I can remember I have always wanted a pup of this breed to train
in agility and I had always wanted a touring bicycle. I have spend (and
wasted) so much (too much) of my life living for others, giving to them,
making sure they are alright and have what they need, I always thought
that if you gave it would always come back to you, my giving only left
me empty, untrusting, peniless and bereft, no wonder I have been sad,
now is time for me. I have always wanted a horse of my own and to tour
and potentially live in Tasmania, those things are next on my list :).
How do I talk to my doctor?
