Do I need help or am just like this?

[Rachl]

New member here.  I have been on medication twice in my life for depression / anxiety.  I feel like I am heading back to that way again.  The last time I was on anything was about 3 years ago. I am not sad (although I have days were I am, not many)  I feel like I am constantly irritated.  I am married with children, my husband works away, I do miss him when he is gone and am excited for him to come home, but when he gets here I don't want him near me this has only just started happening in the past 2 months, my children irritate me, people at the shops irritate me.  I am snapping at my children on a daily basis for simple things and that's not fair.  Hubby tries his hardest to please me and all I seem to do is complain about everything thats wrong and tell him that I am unhappy with everything, but I don't know why.  We have argued quite a bit in the past 2 months and if we have had a drink and any small thing he might say I will start a fight and I have become mean, I call him names, tell him how much I hate everything and I wished I never married him.  I feel like I have become a terrible person.  I have always been someone that over reacts and gets easily angered, from my late teens, I don't want to be this person, I grew up with a mother that was like that.  I seem to not be able to move on from things that have upset me or caused problems in the past and I will re think them and then get angry/upset again.  Is there really anyway to change yourself or I am going to be a snappy irritated person for the rest of my life?

[white knight]

Hi Rachl, welcome to beyond Blue forums

Irritation can be linked to anxiety. I'm not psych though. It's time to seek some medical advice again I'm afraid.

Put your family first and take some action.  From our own eyes its hard for us to evaluate our own behaviour.

Take care    Tony WK

[Rachl]

Thank you for your reply white knight.  I went and saw a doctor today, she has pescribed medication and counselling.  Hopefully this will help.

[White_Rose]

Hello Rachl

So pleased you have found your way to BB and recounted your story. When I read the experiences of other people I invariably find myself relating to one or more of the feelings or actions they describe and I find myself asking the same question as you. Have I become a complete nasty? I suspect the answer is no, or at least only now and then.

You say you are irritable, over reacting, easily angered, pushing people away even when you need them. These are classic depression symptoms. And you know what? Hearing other people say the same thing about themselves has helped me realise that I am not really a horrible person. I have been attacked by the Black Dog which at times overwhelms me. You cannot imagine how often I have berated myself, put myself down, walked away from a helping hand because 'I don't deserve it'. This is not the essential me and it is not you either.

I have allowed myself to give up at times using the excuse that "I can't help it", become sorry for myself, angry and alone. Part of my mind change is listening to others talk about how they feel and finding I feel the same things. These feelings are not wonderful but it is wonderful to know that it is the illness that causes all the grief and not our natural selves.

I was strong and confident, ready to take on the world. Then it changed I crawled into my hole. Thanks to a wonderful doctor and psych I have crawled out. But even with them I think I would still be punishing myself had I not read all the stories on BB which showed me how depression works and affirmed my essential self as a basically good person, just like most other people.

So yes, at the moment you feel as though you are a bad person, but this is not the real you. With help you will find a way back. You may live with depression all your life and that is not good, but you will find a way to Tame the Black Dog and bring it to heel. And you know, from there you will be able to see the pain of others and comfort and reassure them. We need help from those who have been there so we in turn can show others the road.

Please write in often and tell us how you are traveling.

Regards

Mary

[Rachl]

Thank you Mary, reading other peoples stories has helped and this time I am going to make sure I find a good psych this time and tackle this.  I grew up with a Mother that was like this, but much much worse and abusive.  I really don't want to feel like this on and off for the rest of my life and I don't really want to have to take medication to control myself and be happy for the rest of my life either, but at 35 years old I wonder how I could possibly change?  It's nice to know I can come on here and 'talk' without judgement too. Thank you

[geoff]

dear Rachl, great to have you join us.

When you were brought up by a parent who does what you are doing now, certainly puts a damper on you, so it's a struggle to learn to be able to change, but absolutely not impossible.

I have to agree with Mary when she says ' irritable, over reacting, easily angered, pushing people away' are signs of depression, and non of us can forget that depression will manifest various different ways in which displays itself in each person, so there is no a text book answer, as every situation has to be treated differently, so even though your mother could have overcome this problem doesn't mean that you will also overcome the same way.

Would you be able to google this site 'goodtherapy.org' and let us know how you get on. L Geoff. x

[Snoman]

Hi Rachl,

Reading your post, I almost thought you were my wife for a moment.  She struggled for many years.  Her parents always thought of her as difficult and hot tempered.  In the early years of our marriage, she would often deliberately pick a fight with me.

I'm not one to burr up very easily, so it would escalate until either I snapped or she ended up having a panic attack.  We didn't realise that was what was happening, so things persisted.

Eventually things worsened to the point where she struggled to get out of bed to do anything, preferring to sleep her life away.  Anxiety and depression are related and have overlapping symptoms.

Her GP put her on meds for anxiety and she saw a councillor who was very helpful.  Since then, my wife has stayed on the meds, varying the dose depending on how stressful life has been.

She is now the calm and even tempered person I always saw.  No more panic attacks except the one time she tried to come of the meds.  I am still sometimes surprised when she copes comfortably with a difficult situation where should otherwise would have snapped.

We both like the change.

Snoman