The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hey Hey Its L7 posting again from the dark reaches of the Mind! Im doing good, its the weekend and I am probs a little Manic! In a good way. Lots of energy, lots of ideas, lots of talking! So I have been told to expend my energy in a creative way hahaha! And here goes:

Work is what we do; Life is what we Live. Speaking of work, its going really well. Slight downturn in volume/sales but thats just the break I need before Easter happens! Start times have been pushed back so I can wake up an hour later now (probably still wake up early cos of body clock set to 4am plus the Night Terrors so yeah) and I can relax a little instead of mad dash to find my uniform in the dark without waking anyone up.

Happiness: There is a great song by Vinnie Paz called "Is Happiness Just A Word", you might find it rather interesting if you are a follower of this thread and have experienced what we talk about here. Its was an eye-opener for me when I heard it and I was like WOW, I know this experience too!

My own happiness is at a good level because of work/life balance being pretty well balanced haha! Also I have a project im working on, a cat arch-tree! Yup its a garden arch with sisal rope up the poles and a platform on top (not too high, dont want kitties falling off). I am halfway through and I intend to complete it this weekend. Depending on weather. And energy levels (gotta watch out for the drop!).

Summary: Sorry I havent really added anything useful to this thread today, just Manic filler i guess but you can see how my life is going (ups and downs on the Dark Spiral) and I hope you get something good out of it. If you are struggling... all I can say is talk/write to someone either here or in person and HANG ON! There are good days ahead and when you can find them... ENJOY THEM!

This is L7, signing off and wishing you all a very good weekend.

Thank you.

[quirkywords]

L7

thanks for taking time to write here.

Many more people read threads than post.

I know people read threads so the know they are not alone.

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi again all and everyone!

Its been a hard month or so at work and im starting to think that, despite loving what i do, it might be time to move on. That is harder than impossible at the moment what with Covid and jobs and housing issues etc etc (the list goes on). I think i would like to be a blood courier but it doesnt pay as well as what i do now and doesnt have the same job security or steady hours. But hey i will probably keep going with what i have, im just being a 'dog on a nail' - (hurts enough to whine but not enough to get up and move).

Mental Health Moment: New medication is stable now and working well. Sometimes you gotta change things up, other times you just have to hang on. Knowing the timing is something for you and your specialist/doctor to figure out together.

Bad Things: I have had moments of Darkness and times of MaNiA! - but nothing too serious, thankfully. Still struggling with sleep and the Night Terrors... getting up at 4am doesnt help but at least its an end to the dreams. Driving to work i sometimes get those impulsive thoughts (probably the OCD side of my condition) saying "drive through that barrier" or "go on the wrong side of the road for 50metres" but i know its wrong and very dangerous so i just let the thoughts wash over me and turn up the music instead.

Speaking of Music: I have discovered French Punk! -much to the annoyance of my co-workers haha! Its amazing and very much a strong and distorted sound with lyrics that i can only understand a third of hahaha! "Parlez vous Francais?" -Non! ..hahaha! Its makes a nice change from the German Rap that i was listening to, but i will probably switch it up and listen to a mix of both.

In Summary: Hard work, great music, new medication and literally 'bloody' dreams. I hope you can see that i am living my life as best as possible even with these OCD/Bipolar thoughts and moments... I also hope you can relate to some of what i have written here today and if you feel like sharing then please do so at your own leisure/pace.

L7

[quirkywords]

L7

it is good to read about how you are going. The insights you have into your moods and behaviour sound helpful.

the night terrors sound horrible.
thanks for the summary .

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi again

Just pulling myself up out of a Dark Spiral at the moment. I tried to just keep going at work and every day got worse until I had to take a day off and sleep for 18hrs straight! The physical effects of this crash were as follows: headache, lethargy, empty chest, lack of interest in anything, anxiety about being a bad person and an overwhelming need to escape from everything.

I thought maybe I had forgotten to take my meds but I checked and Im all up to date so it must have just been the 3monthly cycle kicking in again. Roughly every three months for no apparent reason I crash.... sometimes there is a trigger. This time there was no trigger other than a speeding fine which shouldnt have made me feel so worthless and suicidal.

My boss has been really good with the situation, asking me how im going and if there was anything they could do to help etc. Problem is that when Im crashing the kindness of others hurts.

Anyway just a quick message to let you all know I am still fighting and coming back out of the darkness as we speak.

Thanks

[Sophie_M]

Hi LaTeRaLuS777,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of strength to reach out for support . We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14.  We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.
 

[quirkywords]

L7

Thanks so much for the update but sad that you have crushed.
I can relate what you experienced. Exhaustion is so draining.

I like you tried to work out if you had been taking your medication.

My cycles were 6 to 8 weeks up and 6 to 8 weeks down.

Your boss is supportive .

Take care

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi all, hi Sophie_M and all the BeyondBlue Support Staff/Moderators who offered assistance when I was in the Darkness.

Just letting you all know that I am 100% my good old cheerful self again, yay! The crash has been averted and I am rising up again on the rebound. Thank you all for your support during the past few days/week.

I am slightly anxious about getting the Covid Jab this weekend but I think its more about the needle and after-effects that concern me. Some of my friends have felt rather ill afterwards, so I am taking a few days off from work just in case.

Anyway, not much else to report. Doing good, rising up and finding my balance once again.

Thanks, L7.

[Andre_P]

Hi L7 hope you’re still alive and kicking mate. To be fair I don’t trust the Covid jab.

anyway I’ve read a lot of your posts. Wow you must have an extra active mind.

I suffer with severe ocd to the point of where sometimes it’s ocd with poor insight (not just ocd with good insight). I try to shut down the obsessions/rituals before the panic comes by shouting certain phrases (this is a ritual tho) and even though I know it’s all good deep down I don’t always remember why I’m shutting it down.

it’s almost like having psychosis but it’s not, it’s like a temporary psychotic disorder (delusional paranoia). There are different grades of paranoia too. I haven’t actually been properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist because I don’t particularly like their meds. I’ve basically put this together myself.

I don’t think it’s bipolar or schizophrenia but I have had times of mania where I’m just pinging, don’t care, taking risks, agitated etc.

My ocd is my main problem because it gets soo bad and soo psychotic (I become soo paranoid) that it affects my sleep something cruel as it winds me up. My insomnia now has insomnia. The odd nightmare isn’t fun either

I can feel myself slipping. Even ppl with ocd can have psychotic features without a psychotic condition like bipolar or schizophrenia ay

My sleep is my problem too. I really don’t know what to do mate.

anyway I just wanted to say hi. Hope you’re still kicking bro 👊 👊 👊

[Andre_P]

The end part was supposed to say even ppl with ocd can have psychotic features without a “psychiatric” condition like bipolar or schizophrenia ay