The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

LaTeRaLuS777 · ‎14-10-2019

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

LaTeRaLuS777 · ‎11-10-2021

Hi Andre_P, hi everyone!

I am alive and kicking, sorry if i had you worried. Its been a bit hectic recently. I had to have eye surgery, while awake and watching! Freaky to say the least...

Anyway yeah my mind is always ticking and turning things over. Its never quiet in there, not even medicated, although meds do help tune in the thousand radio stations that seem to be playing through my head haha!

Im not feeling great though today to be honest. Dont really know why but i think its the start of the Dark Spiral again. If someone hurts my feelings any time soon and i go into the darkness then i know for sure that it is the cycle starting. It feels like im made of paper and im standing in a storm of potential insults or criticisms.

Getting back to what you said about medications, i was very anti-meds until i found the right psychiatrist and doctor combination. You have to be able to trust your professionals and also accept that it may take time to find the right balance when it comes to medications.

On a positive note, my dreams/nightmares/premonitions are not bothering me as much now thanks to my new treatment plan. I wish i could tell you all about it but i dont want to advertise or endorse any particular treatment when it may not be suitable or available to everyone. I hope that makes sense...?

Let me just say that a natural oil has made my nights restful and nightmares are short and less vivid.

Thank you for reaching out and posting on here. My apologise for my absenteeism recently and i am doing ok.

Thank you all and keep in touch, L7

therising · ‎11-10-2021

Hi L7

You're far braver than me in regard to the eye surgery. It freaks me out when I see those procedures done on TV. Just can't watch. I can only imagine how hard it is when your brain's screaming 'Close your eyes, someone's trying to stick something in them'.

Do you ever wonder why people give themselves the freedom to be insulting and critical towards others? I can't help but wonder? I have to analyse the hell out of it, in order to find a little more heaven on earth. I used to take it all very personally, being incredibly depressing at times, until I began to wonder what makes people tick in such a way. When people say 'You're so sensitive (to criticism)', these days my response is more along the lines of 'Yes, I have a great ability when it comes to sensing degradation and a-hole behaviour' 🙂 I've come to practice sensing what brings me down, who brings me down but occasionally it may take a little more time and wonder when it come to sensing why they're choosing to do it. At times it amuses me when I can have people close to me say 'I know what that (analytical) look is. I know what you're doing; get out of my head' 🙂

Sensitive people have an incredible ability to sense criticism, degradation, energetic up-shifts, down-shifts, inspiration, excitement, depressing people and experiences and so much more. Being so sensitive comes with undeniable challenges yet, at the same time, undeniable abilities. Are you developing your natural ability to get a sense of why people behave the way they do at times? Human nature can be truly fascinating, that's for sure. It definitely pays to be an observer, with the bonus of creating a healthy sense of detachment in an emotional situation.

So glad the oil's working its magic 🙂

Petal22 · ‎12-10-2021

Hi Andre P,

Im sorry to hear that you suffer with severe OCD, I also suffered with this condition I have now recovered from it .

Have you ever done any type of therapy for you OCD? I did metacognitive therapy this is we’re I learned to master my OCD.

You may be interested in reading two threads I wrote.

From someone who had OCD and recovered

Treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

Andre_P · ‎15-10-2021

Hey brother - glad your still kickin mate. While I don’t quite know what it’s like to have the dark spiral thing you mentioned I do know what it’s like to be in a dark space, it’s not fun. Sorry to hear that today wasn’t good for you bro. You seem a good person.

I don’t mind maybe natural alternatives like psychotherapy and natural meds but I’m against regular doc meds. I try them even for under a week and my symptoms are tremendously worse to the point of suicide. I’m not going to get lost in a maze ay that you can’t get out of. Glad they work for some ppl though.

in saying that I definitely have to do something ay.

I appreciate you replying mate. These are not the easiest times we are living in. I am staying positive and I have a plan of attack on how to combat this condition.

feel free to chat anytime bro. Ocd is not a fun condition. Most ppl make it out as it’s not soo bad. Severe form of it can be very debilitating ay.

chat soon bro :))

Andre_P · ‎15-10-2021

Hey bro that sounds good. That you for that ay. I’ll definitely have a look. It looks like cbt for the mental obsessions ay that meta cognitive therapy. That’s a good form of psychotherapy.

yea I gotta master skills on how to better react to my intrusive thoughts. It’s a very paradoxical world we live. The more we try and fight a thought the more it fights us lol. Gotta handle it not fight it.

thanks for your post bro :))

chat soon ay :)))

quirkywords · ‎15-10-2021

L7

so glad to read you are alive and kicking,

I really appreciate you are keeping in touch and giving updates about your health. These updates give hope to others .

Petal22 · ‎15-10-2021

Hi Andre P,

Thats ok happy to help you 😊

Yes keep practicing on mastering your skills, they really can help to stop OCD in its tracks.

Yes correct what we give attention to we give power to.

Here to chat to you anytime

Petal22 · ‎17-10-2021

Hi Andre P,

How are you?

I also wanted to mention that I have written two threads you may be interested in reading .

From someone who had OCD and recovered

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

I also highly recommend meditation, I believe meditation got me over the line.

😊

LaTeRaLuS777 · ‎01-11-2021

Hey everyone,

Im on lunch break and thought i would just drop by and say hiya!

Nothing new to report really except for the fact that im seeing my psych soon and im not sure what to talk about haha! Im sure they will drag something out of me though, they are very good at poking me in the right way so i open up and talk.

Hope you are all doing ok or at least coping as best you can.

I have been listening to good old aussie rock recently and its been a bit of a trip down memory lane. Reminiscing about concerts i have been to and bands that helped get me through dark times.

Anyway, must give some words of wisdom, hahaha! Here goes: as much as the emptiness hurts it will pass as all things do. Please hang in there and think of those people who (whether you know it or not) love and/or like you. Life is a struggle; more so for some of us. Its not designed for people like us BUT that doesnt mean we dont fit in somewhere. You are an important piece of a grand puzzle that we may never understand, yet we must go on!

Ok, sorry didnt mean to go all crazy on that but its whats going on in my head and heart at the moment.

Thanks for all your support and please keep posting. I love reading about your experiences as it makes me feel even more connected and less like a "freak" (as i used to think) haha!

L7 signing off.

quirkywords · ‎01-11-2021

l7

Thanks for saying hello.I can relate to your wise words based on experience. I used to feel I did not fir in but then I felt I am ,Ike a seed, the right plant in the wrong place.I found the forums which is my right place.