The Dark Spiral of OCD and Bipolar

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hi, first time posting on here (or anywhere for that matter about this stuff)... I have OCD and Bipolar Disorder.
As i sit typing I am aware of every noise in the house and outside being "They/Them" coming to get me. My OCD has been leading me down dark rabbit holes of thoughts and images recently (in a self-destructive spiral) and I couldnt take it any more.
I chatted with one of the BeyondBlue people who helped me to seek out a positive distraction for the night so I joined this community and started to type.
For me OCD is like a little urge going "just one more dark thought, just until midnight, then i will let you go...." but it never stops! It is never satisfied until I feel like giving up and taking one way out or another (neither are good options by the way!).
I am a good person with a good heart and I know i would never do these things yet that spiral is so strong, so desperate and so persistent that I fear I may not be strong enough to fight it. Seeing others going through this same process makes me feel like im not alone, yet i fear that "They/Them" would have me locked away because of the "Darkness" within me.
When I was younger (18-19 yrs old) I first experienced this dark spiral and it terrified me so much that I contemplated suicide so that I could never hurt anyone like that! Thankfully I am alive but the OCD "Darkness" remains and it is a constant battle. How do you fight what you cannot see/touch/destroy?
Im sorry for this stream of consciousness post but im really trying to convey my feelings as best as i can. Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you for (hopefully) accepting me as I am.
(ps: I am seeing a psych and I am medicated and for those two things i am forever grateful).

[therising]

Hi L7

Can't help but wonder how you manage the exhaustion that follows a state of extreme activity. Myself, I can feel the CRASH. What works for me in recovering is like a hibernation thing, an occasional break where I'll fully detach from the rest of the world, eat like a maniac for half a day and then sleep almost straight for a day and a half. Kind of like an energy restoration super charge.

While it's absolutely exhilarating (putting it mildly) living through feeling an intense connection to life, it is exhausting. When living like this, you really do feel everything. You can be so in love with feeling, you just want to turn up the volume on everything and feel more. Yes, doing 100ks down the freeway feels intense, so you want to turn up the volume on that speed and feel greater intensity. Feeling a song that gets you vibing high inevitably leads to that volume being turned up. 'My god, this is incredible. I feel so alive!'. Searching for filters that lead to impulse control is a challenge. The speed thing is an easy one 'They've set the 'volume' at 100kms/h, legally I'm not allowed to 'turn up the dial'. Sometimes, I find when in states of incredible high functioning efficiency people just seem to want to get in the way. Gotta admit, for good reason sometimes. People...hmmm.

People can be rather fascinating at times. While I found that 'wondering' in a state of hyper efficiency can be exhilarating, others don't see it the same way. While the following few questions can be incredibly valid, they do tend to trigger people and not in a good way:

• 'What's wrong with you? Why are you not more excited or exciting?'
• 'What's wrong with you? Why do you keep bringing me down?'
• 'What's wrong with you? Why the hell do you keep triggering me (to anger/intolerance)?'

Of course, most of us are conditioned to not be so confronting. What happens when you remove such conditioning (that filter)? They become questions you want answers to, so you simply seek them. When you're led to feel bad for being so challenging, you can really feel it. I eventually came to realise, I was never getting the answers. People were leading me out of finding them. Whether I'm super hyperactive or not, these days I've come to demand answers. I'm known as 'difficult', 'challenging' and 'a b***h' at times. Sue me, I want my answers 🙂

Who or what swings us to both highs and lows and why is worth exploring. In developing skill in self management, there is no room for degrading criticism.

🙂

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Heya therising, Hi Everyone!

I also feel that crash after mania (i call it the Icarus Effect), and damn does it suck the energy out of me! I feel like I can barely move and just have to sleeeeeeeep and do artworks to recover my inner drive. Often I find that when I am manic I have very little patience for anyone or anything that is slowing me down. This can be a problem like as you said when it comes to 100+kmh down the freeway or music blaring in residential neighborhoods. My filters switch off and I am less aware of my place in the world, ie: im the only person in the world instead of part of a greater community.

As for the OCD/Anxiety side of life it is mainly in my head, thoughts and feelings about the past and future. I find I am not living in the moment as i feel i should be - everything will be ok/death is inevitable etc. I worry about past transgressions and mistakes i have made and how that could affect my future prospects/livelihood/relationships.... All out of my control though. My OCD 'DEMANDS' that I worry about these things and makes the worst possible scenario seem like the inevitable reckoning that i fear the most! Total Baloney!! These things that I have feared in the past never came true and I worried myself sick (literally sick) over nothing. BUT it is sooo hard to stop these reoccurring thoughts and I know that when i am down the Dark Spiral again i will worry some more.

Artwork and music (listening not playing) have been my focus and restoration points when i am down in the blackness surrounded by fear and self-destruction. Even something as little as drawing a flower on my hand has been helpful at times. Other times artwork has been the catalyst for the swing back into mania, finishing up with some very dark and wildly intense finished pieces!

In summary, find something that gives you focus when you are in the Dark Spiral and find something to help remind you that you are part of a community when you are manic (even something as small as holding the elevator door for someone helps me feel connected). Remember have some patience with yourself and with others and try to be kind in general (especially to animals).

Thank you for reading this post and taking the time to be a part of my world.

L7

[therising]

Hi L7

Sounds like you have some significant ways of managing the highs and lows. I think gradually coming to find what works is better than never finding what works.

Do you find that when you're in an upswing it's like your ability to wonder becomes incredibly hyperactive? Myself, I'm a shocker. I feel like a 4yo who now has access to money. Grocery shopped the other day through nothing but wonder. 'Oooh, wonder what that tastes like. I'll buy it and find out', 'Wonder whether that's good for you. Sounds good. I'll buy it'. Wondering and imagining what it would be like to have a treadmill, led me to buy one. Wondering and imagining what a holiday in Hawaii would be like for me and the kids (15yo son and 18yo daughter) had me on the verge of buying plane tickets before COVID hit. We were all disappointed when plans changed. Wondering whether this or that would make a difference to a friend or family member who's vibing low is what makes me a renowned gift giver and credit card user when the savings account doesn't have sufficient funds for making a difference to people. Wondering and imagining what it would be like to go to the beach on a 12 degree morning for a swim with my son (without a 2nd thought) is exactly what got us there laughing and screaming like maniacs as people in overcoats walked past with their dogs. If it wasn't for my daughter occasionally saying 'Mum, you literally can't afford to wonder about getting that (new thing)' or a little common sense inspiration coming to mind here and there, I'd resemble Sir Richard Branson (if I had his money). Can't tell me he never thought 'Wonder what it would be like to own my own plane' or 'Wonder what it would be like to have my own private island'. He describes himself as 'A kid at heart'.

While finding myself in hyper wonder not too long ago, I wondered what is it that naturally brings me down somewhat. I had to know, so I wondered until a revelation hit. 'If I feel like my natural 4yo self but now in big girl pants, how are 4yos typically brought down out of wonder, excitement and their imagination, besides through sheer exhaustion?'

• You're being ridiculous
• You're out of control
• Life is not meant to be fun
• You can't do that

and so on. I figured, we're typically not led to manage our wonder, excitement and imagination through everything we do. If wonder, excitement and imagination are encouraged and balanced in everything we do, life's a different story. Can't stand grownups. They're depressing 🙂

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Heya,

Im feeling GREAT! I saw my psych the other day and we chatted about all sorts of stuff, really good stuff, positive self-image stuff! They are really pleased with me and so am I for that matter. Years of self-loathing and bitterness had taken their toll on my psyche BUT i have managed to shake some of the crap off and im doing my best to not let it build up again.

Work is going well (no mention of anything from my boss about OCD/BPD at all after i told them a week or so ago) which is great! The work is hard, sometimes really hard, but the pleasure i get from making people happy is enough to tip the balance into the Good Work Factor.

Life is also good at the moment, apart from my cats waking me up at 2 minutes before my alarm lol! I need those 2 minutes, kitty! My dreams are still dark and chaotic but i am trying not to take them onboard like i used to do. Yes they are disturbing, but then again so are every day thoughts sometimes, and i just have to let them slide past like they are pictures on a moving screen. Harder to do than to say to be honest but worth the effort for solid mental health in the long term.

So, in a good place for now, riding the waves of uncertainty like a pro-surfer and not even waiting for the next big crash, just having a good time and living in the moment.

I hope this post gives you hope for the future if you are in a dark place and inspires you to keep going, its worth the effort (however fleeting this experience may be). To feel connected and whole is something i havent felt in a long time and i know that it may be a transient phase but i dont care, for now at least.

ps: not manic, just happy with my place in life and my state of mind at this time.

L7

[quirkywords]

L7

thanks for your positive update. Your posts give support to people reading.

I am so pleased you are happy and in a good state of mind.

Well done.

[therising]

Hi L7

Sounds like you're making amazing progress. I'm so incredibly happy for you. I'm glad you're feeling grounded. The highs and lows can take a toll, so grounded can definitely be a huge relief.

It's so liberating to let go. To let go of a lot of the false beliefs we have about our self is a gradual process. It makes sense that what gradually builds up must gradually be broken down into manageable pieces, for us to let go of. I have a lot of revelations when it comes to my conditioning. Being conditioned to be a people pleaser (or feel the sting of rejection) is a mind altering condition for living. it can alter the mind into believing that we should come last, our feelings aren't as important as others' feelings. Sooooo untrue! So often, we can be conditioned to believe there is something 'wrong' with us based on the idea we are different from everyone else. You know those 'black sheep of the family'; get all those little black sheep together and watch them get on like a house on fire 🙂 You can imagine them all discussing similar challenges when it comes to folk not understanding them. All of a sudden that band of black sheep realise there's not all that much wrong with them, in fact, there's a heck of a lot right with them in this crazy world. So many conditions for living, it's enough to do your head in.

Those cats of yours are on the ball 🙂 Personally, I love cats although haven't always had the best of luck with them. Let's just say I'm wondering whether I'm only paired with cats that need expensive upkeep when it comes to vets. This is one of the reasons why we (my kids, husband and I) haven't had a cat for a couple of years. Because I'm big on the duty of care factor, I won't take on a cat that I can't afford to care for, if something goes wrong. It's not fair on the cat. The universe does deliver though. My daughter's just completed her last VCE exam (today) and wished earlier this year, when she was feeling down and stressed, that I could bring a cat into her life to make a difference. Well, one showed up. It hangs around the house just about every day. Funnily enough, when trying to track down the owner, she found the family lives in our street and she actually goes to school with the son, believe it or not. The cat travels back and forward, for food there and a lot of love and attention here. A no cost kitty, yay!

I hope your revelations continue to unfold and build up serious momentum. Hoping your progress is positively life changing.

🙂

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hello Everyone,

Apologies for my long absence, I have been doing the hard yards at work and trying to ride the Spiral at the same time. Christmas is absolutely horrific at work and it takes about a month afterwards to settle down.

At the moment I am fighting the Darkness within as it tries to eat away at my chest and burst out in a frenzy of tears. It is tough to be strong at this time and i am not feeling to well also (damn rain, caught a cold).

The effort it takes just to walk and talk and breathe and be a social creature at the moment is almost too much to bear. I feel like just going to sleep for a week and hoping it all goes away. I know it will get better though and my psych appointment is just a few weeks away so at least i will have plenty to talk about.

The positive side of this struggle is the support i have received from my manager at work (who knows about the BPD/OCD aspect of my life) and they have allowed me to go home early today to get some rest... which i am about to do. Rest is good. Sleep is terrifying. The dreams are so horrible and graphic that i wake up exhausted!

Anyway enough about that, lets finish on a good note. I have been trying to satiate the Darkness with expulsions of artwork and "popartaganda" (phrases on pictures i make) and that has helped to quell the feelings of self-loathing and sadness. I highly recommend doing this even if you think you have no talent. Just blob some stick-figures and make up a catchy statement.. ta-da "popartaganda" - pop-art meets propaganda!

Thanks for taking the time to read this messy catch-up letter and i hope to be back on track soon with more positive statements about Life and stuff.

L7

[therising]

Hi L7

Sounds like you have a great boss, who's actually supporting you managing in constructive ways. The people who help raise us to meet life's challenges and support us in what we truly need, to get through, are an absolute blessing.

I feel for you so much regarding the nightmares. Looking forward to going to sleep is a feeling a lot of people take for granted. I don't usually have a lot of nightmares but there has been a reoccurring one lately. In this nightmare or variations on it, everyone is trying to kill me. It's like there's a hit out on me or something. In the dreams, it doesn't matter where I go, I can't trust anyone. I eventually worked out what it was about. I've definitely been feeling attacked from all directions in life lately. So many people in my life have unintentionally led me to feel like I'm failing in so many ways. I don't do this and I don't do that etc etc. Basically, I'm not living up to their expectations. It kind of grinds my gears in a way because I'm typically the sort of person who helps them to manage finding the best in themselves, not criticising them but inspiring them. Things started to really get to me to the point where I found myself saying on occasion 'You are such a failure!' I know, for me, to stay out of depression, I have to manage my thoughts strategically. One of the things that helped with this thought pattern was the question 'What does my best look like and am I honestly doing my best under the circumstances?' Being exhausted, you gotta be kind to yourself. Our best will always differ, based on our circumstances (including the circumstances of our biology/chemistry/energy levels).

The popartaganda sounds amazing; I can easily imagine it. Sounds intense and a great way to get to know one's self better. I can imagine it being an emotional experience, perhaps holding aspects of anger, liberation, longing, resentment, intolerance, personal power and so on. Kind of like an artistic form of journaling. Feel free to share some of your creations through vivid description. Would be fascinating to hear.

L7, you're managing in such inspiring ways to the point where you've now really got me thinking about the importance of expressing myself differently, in new ways. I'm very grateful. Thank you. I've discovered the importance of always looking for a difference when the sameness of life just doesn't see to cut it at times. You've now reminded me of this (something I'd forgotten) and, again, I'm deeply grateful.

🙂

[LaTeRaLuS777]

Hello Everyone

I wanted to talk to you about some very dark and horrific things. As you may know I have been very sick (high temperature and fever dreams) and during this time I was afflicted with an overwhelming Darkness.

The fever dreams were akin to the ones I had as a child- only this time I could understand them. The terrible things I saw and did have scarred my psyche so much that I need to talk to my doctor about it as soon as possible, for I feel like I have been the perpetrator of the the most violent and sadistic acts I could ever imagine. These dreams were vivid and striking in their detail and I don't know how much is fever dream and how much is my own twisted psyche trying to get out of its cage!

My perception of reality has shifted since these dreams happened, I now fear Death more than I should (as Death is Inevitable, acceptance being the first step to Enlightenment) for I worry that I will have to experience these Dreamscapes again and again.... Sorry if im not making sense right now, I just need to talk to you about this as best I can, ok?

I close my eyes and I see them, horrific pictures of my fever dreams. It used to be that I only saw them when I was asleep but since the fever its just right there, behind my eyes, waiting for me. Is it my twisted brain and OCD making me think and see things that challenge me? Is it the ADHD running wild as neurons spark and trip the lights of another dream? Is it the Darkness, the secret shame that lies in all of us, the caged and hidden beast that we try not to think about, banging the door of its cage and howling for release?

All I can say is this: writing to you my dear friends has helped to soothe my angst a little. I still fear the Dreaming but for now I feel that someone, somewhere, sometime... may understand what I am going through. This thought brings me the light of hope, that long since forgotten spark of connection with You, my dear reader. If you have gotten this far then maybe you do understand what this rambling all means. Maybe you too have been here before, maybe alone.

I share these horrible thoughts and Darkness with you all in the hope that you will see me as I am: a good, kind-hearted, caring and compassionate person ...with a few screws loose upside the head!

Goodnight

L7

[quirkywords]

L7

How awful for you to suffer thst. I have very vivid disturbing dreams but not as dark as you have described. I hope you can talk to a psychologist soon.

If writing here helps keep writing.

I have had difficulty in working out what is a dream and what is reality. The emotions I have from disturbing dreams can last all day.

You are a good kind compassionate person and your fever dreams probably have caused these horrible images.

take care

quirky