Until I was diagnosed a few years ago with social phobia, severe anxiety
disorder and clinical depression, which I've had my whole life (I'm now
mid 40's). The diagnosis only came because I had moved to the city to
live with my partner and get a bett...
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Until I was diagnosed a few years ago with social phobia, severe anxiety
disorder and clinical depression, which I've had my whole life (I'm now
mid 40's). The diagnosis only came because I had moved to the city to
live with my partner and get a better job after living in the country
all my life, and living/working in suburbia caused things to spiral
completely out of control. Finding out I wasn't stupid, weird and weak
was a relief, and knowing what was wrong helped me understand my life up
to that point. The diagnosis also only came after I was able to talk to
my partner and admit something was wrong, and with his support, sought
help from a GP, and was then referred to a mental health nurse. There
are many reasons I am this way, I'm quiet and shy by nature, was
socially isolated apart from family, until I started school, my dad died
when I was 6 (I didn't talk for days after, and made many 'wills' as a
child among other things, so it had an effect). We don't show affection,
feelings or encouragement in my family, sarcasm and teasing are our form
of 'affection', feelings are weak and should be bottled up and you never
hear praise. I love my family, I know they love me, we just don't say it
or show it. I tried my hardest in school, at work and during a 16 year
relationship which resembled the way my family is, no praise or
encouragement, and shows of emotion are weak and embarrassing. I allowed
myself to be treated as doormat and whipping post (not literally) until
I couldn't stand it any longer and plucked up the resolve and courage to
end the relationship. I had absolutely no self esteem, no confidence and
no idea what was wrong with me. I met my partner a few years later and
moved to the city, I tried hard to get used to it, he is a wonderful and
supportive man, I had a job I liked well enough with people who liked me
(I continue to find that amazing), but I couldn't cope and slowly
crumbled. It became dangerous for me to drive, I was physically ill with
fear if I had to go out, I ate little, slept badly, was unable to work
and some days could barely function. Even with medication and sessions
with a mental health nurse over 18 months, things got worse and I was
told I had little hope of recovery whilst living in suburbia, and moved
back to the country, I was assisted with applying for a disability
pension and pretty much left to my own devices because I'm not able to
drive far enough to see a mental health professional. The only help out
here is your GP, and the first 6 - 12 months were hard, I bought a pup
to have something to make me get out of bed and getting on with life. He
has been better than all the medication, and can make me smile and laugh
and feel loved even on the worst day. I discovered a talent for
painting, which also helps fulfill my need to achieve something and have
a purpose, and my best days are ones spent with a brush or pencil in my
hand. They're also the ones I feel hungry and sleep well. I manage the
depression fairly well now, I've also started believing that I am a good
and worthwhile person, and I deserve to be liked and loved. I still
shake and sweat and feel like I'm going to throw up on my shoes when I
have to go out every few weeks to do shopping, but I do it anyway and
try and make it as positive experience as I can. I speak to people I
know and ones I don't know, and no-one gets angry or makes fun of me,
even if my mind goes blank and I stammer out something that makes no
sense. It's a far longer process than I ever imagined it would be, but
every step takes me that bit further, and when I look back now, I've
come a long, long way from where I was. Don't give up, ask for help,
accept help, and know that you aren't alone.
Hi! Check out this post if you're not sure how to start
