Hello all, my name is Sarah, I am 18 years old & a senior in high
school. I have been suffering with what I think is depression, anxiety,
bi-polar issues, and OCD.My daily rituals are getting worse & worse. I
literally take an hour & half shower, I t...
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Hello all, my name is Sarah, I am 18 years old & a senior in high
school. I have been suffering with what I think is depression, anxiety,
bi-polar issues, and OCD.My daily rituals are getting worse & worse. I
literally take an hour & half shower, I take three hours to so my
make-up... That is.. If I'm constantly moving. If I get side tracked
which is more than often the case I take much, much longer. & I refuse
to leave my house without it all on. I have pretty much dug myself to
believe that I am hideous. I feel like I'm a monster & don't feel
comfortable being around anyone other than family without my "face"
on.Each day I awake with horrid anxiety, and debilitate myself from even
getting into a shower each night because I dread the tasks that I force
myself to do.When I was about 11 I would self-harm. I'd say that was due
to me not having a relationship with my father. He disowns me for some
odd reason, he didn't abandon me at birth or as a child or anything yet
I feel that having him live with me but still hate me is kinda just as
bad.I see him daily but get no love & there was an incident when I was
about 9 or 10 that he fell out of our attic in the middle of the night
after moving boxes up there. We think he was tired & decided to rest at
the top of the attic stairs. He fell out of the attic face first onto
the washing machine, then to the concrete floor. Because he doesn't
remember, the doctors lead us to believe that he had to of awoken &
thought he was in bed or on the couch & took a step, then he fell. He
had to of then come to by the grace of God & he went into the shower to
wash off the blood we guess.Now at the time my little sister & I were
sleeping on a mattress on our parents bedroom floor because my uncle &
grandma were staying with us so they took my sister & I's room. That
night I remember falling asleep to my dad sitting in bed on the phone
with his father who lives in another state. I was abruptly woken up in
the middle of the night to almost a sobbing kind of laugh. So I figured
my dad was still talking with his dad, just laughing about stuff. So I
went back to sleep. I hear it again & wake up a second time, this time I
see the shower is on & I think... Wait, he can't be on the phone & in
the shower at the same time. So I shake my mom awake & say that I hear a
weird noise, it sounds like someone is crying.She brushes it off & tells
me it's probably just my uncle on the couch. I fall back asleep & wake
up yet once more & am determined to find out what the noise is. I tell
her it's coming from her bathroom & the shower is on. She got up &
walked into the bathroom. She says it was the worst scene she had ever
saw in her life. My dad was sitting down In the shower with severe
facial injuries & his fingers & nose were broken. He went through 14
hours of surgery.My mom & sister used to say that an angel kept waking
me up that night & due to my persistency, I "saved" my dad's life
because the doctors said bat if he had been in there too much longer he
would have bled to death. I don't think of it that I saved his life but
I helped him, surely. I just don't understand why he treats me the way
he does then if I helped him so grandly. Sorry I kinda got way off topic
with that story but it's partially why I have felt so depressed for so
long. Now, for the past couple months I think about suicide frequently.
It scares me. I know that I'm not capable of committing harm to myself
to that extent, but I'm afraid that one day all of my in ed struggles
will eat me alive & become too much for me to deal with anymore. I think
that I'd be at peace if I wasn't living, all I do is the same
repetitive, useless stuff day in and day out. It's come to the point
where my mother gets extremely frustrated with me. I'm late to school, I
use all the hot water, etc etc etc. & my mother is my rock, it kills me
to disappoint her. I can't help but think that she as well as my little
sister would be better off not having to deal with me all the time. I
feel like such a burden. I have told her I think I have OCD before & we
researched it somewhat & she says maybe but she doesn't want to self
diagnose me, as I don't want to do that either. But I just have this gut
wrenching feeling that there is most definitely something wrong in my
brain. I haven't been to any doctor for anything like that so now it's
to the point where my mom is fed up with "the OCD excuse" she says it's
just that I don't care.Being to school on time isn't a priority to me. I
don't even try to change when in reality I go through a mental struggle
daily to get myself to change every last daunting task that I do. She
just doesn't see it because there is no progress & I feel there never
will be. I'm sorry I just really feel the need to vent.beyondblue’s
clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on
issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general
supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have
concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service
on 1300 22 4636.
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