Loneliness and Depression. Am I doomed to be forever alone?

[Strummer]

For the past year and a half I've struggled with depression and the most intense feeling I've felt throughout the whole thing is loneliness.

My family knows I am depressed and they know that I seek help from at a Headspace centre. Despite this, I sometimes feel I do not have their support in this. My brother and sister promised me five months ago that they would constantly check on me, and my brother has only done so a handful of times (he is overseas) and my sister has not even checked up on me and asked how I am doing. My parents tell me that I can come to them with anything, but I feel so uncomfortable talking to them about mental health, because my parents are quite old-fashioned and do not have a real understanding of it. Also in the past when I open up to them, I feel my dad turns it on me and makes me feel like all that is happening is my fault, making me feel worse. Furthermore, when they say to me 'Strummer, you can come to us with anything' I know they are lying. My brother once told my parents something concerning his sexuality, and a few months later, they kicked him out of the house. I have similar secret I hide from my religious parents (I have become a non-believer) and I know if I told them that, something similar would happen.

None of my friends know I have depression. I wanted to tell one of them for so long, but like my parents, I feel uncomfortable talking about mental health with them. The other day though, I tried talking to one of my friends about a sadness I felt, but he completely ignored it and talked about what he was doing instead. That hurt me bad, because it made me feel like no one on this planet wants to hear my issues.

My loneliness mainly stems from my interests and thoughts. During this struggle, I have become a more introspective person, able to see society from an outsider's perspective. All these thoughts and ideas buzz inside of me, and I have no one to share them with. Also, my interests do not resonate with any of my friends and family, especially my passion for music and my taste in musical genres.

All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else.

How do I fight all these feelings?

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

I don't feel at all that you have ever mentioned you hate your brother, only you have mixed up and confused thoughts about your relationship and how that fits ion with your family. When I write things down, it helps to clarify what the underlying problems are.

You are very aware of the traits your parents have that you do not want to perpetuate in your own life. Knowing that can help you change the person you are and how you relate to yourself and other people.

I grew up knowing I did not want to behave like one of my parents. I have tried very hard to not be like them and feel that in general I am doing the best I can to be the person I desire to be.

My parents are still my parents. I don't agree with everything they represent, but that is okay, because they are their own individual people as well. I can not change them. I can change how I feel about their actions and behaviours.

Those broken bits inside of you will always be there. We can not change the past, we can glue those memories together and make them hurt us less than they do now. We can pour self love and self acceptance on to those hurts and allow new growth to happen.

Each day we have the opportunity to create a new life for ourselves and to gather up happy moments that will become new memories for us.

Once again, you are very aware of how and who you do not want to be, that gives you a huge advantage for becoming the person you do want to be!

Share your thoughts with the psychologist, the more they understand what is going on in our minds, the better they can help us!

Cheers again, from Dools

[T_bear]

Hi Strummer

I know how you feel so much. I feel lonely every day. I recently had a fall out or break up with my best friend which I dated as well. We had a big fight and he practically blocked me out of my life. He was the only person in my life that i could be so open and connect with so well. I feel also my parents I struggle with telling my depression and thoughts there old fashioned to. And i have also have no friends and so i feel comeplelty alone like I will never have any friends. I have always felt I cant open up to people and i struggle socially and i have soical aneixty . I feel have different interests from others. Like music and fashion and quirky things ahha.

Maybe we can help we each other out

[Doolhof]

Hi T bear,

Welcome to the community here and to the forum. It is wonderful you have felt comfortable enough to make a comment here and to join in with this thread.

It may be beneficial to start up a thread of your own, that way you will have more people noticing your story.

I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely and have recently broken up with your friend.

Do you think your parents might better understand your depression if you print out some information on depression and explain that is what you are dealing with. Some people need to read information to actually understand what another person is dealing with.

I do hope you feel comfortable here on the forum.

Cheers for now from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hey Strummer,

Just wondering how your brother's visit turned out?

And how you've been feeling the last couple of weeks?

I've been thinking about some the questions and issues you brought up earlier, but wanted to check in first and see how you're travelling.

T bear (hi T bear 😊) sounds like in a similar boat with some things, maybe it could help to nut things out here together.

Hope you've had some quality time and look forward to hearing how you are ( you too T bear?)

🌻birdy

[Strummer]

Hello again everyone,

Haven't posted in a while, but thanks again for the checkups and concern everyone.

My mood has been declining this last couple of weeks. My brother's visit was alright, we had some good times, but what I was afraid of happening sort of I did; my dad was all over my brother, they were chatting like old mates, having a good time. Sometimes, I would try say something, but my dad would ignore me and listen to my brother, or my brother would talk over me. I think my dad really does favour my brother over me. Everyday, I think more and more about cutting family out of my life as an adult.

School has been stressing me out and I think it is what keeps me up at night. I have forgotten what a good night's sleep is, I haven't had one in such a long time, I feel so tired...

I've been feeling lonely ever since my return to school, like the odd one out. In my 'friendships' I feel like I give more than I get, contributing to my depression, my feelings of worthlessness, etc. And when i am depressed, I feel like not doing anything.

But one of the things that has been bugging me most is my OCD symptoms. Just when i thought I had a firm control over it, it manifests itself in a different way. I have intrusive thoughts on checking my phone, and I get anxious if I have not checked texts and stuff in a while, to the point where it leads to procrastination and getting in the way of productivity. I also have intrusive thoughts regarding people... Admitting this is very embarrassing, but I find my intrusive thoughts wonder to people who I am infatuated with. I keep thinking about them and even begin scouring for them online, which leads me to feel disgusted with myself.

In my next session with my Headspace psychologist, we'll talk about my low self-esteem, which I would use to talk about my dysfunctional family, etc. However, I also want to bring up the possibility of being proscribed medicine for my OCD symptoms (she hasn't diagnosed it as a full-blown disorder yet). It has honestly affected my mood in such a negative way lately, and I do not think CBT will be of much help. Does anyone know if Headspace doctors are allowed to proscribe medicine?

As a final note, do you people think I should start a new thread, or keep posting on this one?

[Birdy77]

Hello Strummer,

My sincere apologies for taking such a long time to reply to you. I've had a rough month and I retreated into myself a lot and lost track somewhat with your thread. There are a few of us who have been a bit quiet lately so the lack of replies is absolutely no reflection on you whatsoever.

For starters, I think it's fine and better to continue on this thread than to start a new one. It makes it easier for people to keep track of your story and therefore be able to understand your situation and offer appropriate support. You can start a new thread if you want to start a discussion about something new and unrelated to this thread though.

It sounds like term one has been pretty rough and I'd imagine you'd be looking forward to holidays (or maybe on them already, depending on which state you live). Do you have plans for the holidays or just going to see what unfolds? Will you catch up with any of those friends or fly solo?

It can feel exhausting when you feel like you give more in friendships and it's unbalanced. As Dools and I have said a few times, it's great that you're so self-aware and can see what's going on with the dynamics, that's the first step in self-preservation and taking care of yourself. So although this doesn't really help, well done for being aware of what's going on.

How much contact you end up having with your family is definitely something you can have more control over once you're out of home (obviously!), and you certainly won't be the first or last to not want anything to do with them. I've often wished there was a divorce option for family, after all we didn't choose to be related to them ...

Aanyhoo, how did you go with getting some strategies for the OCD? There is no need to feel disgusted with yourself Strimmer. Gosh, when you have a crush on someone or whatever, that's what you do! You kinda obsess over them ... it's part if it! So, definitely cut yourself some slack in that department!

Hope you are doing ok, and hope to hear where you're at soon.

Take care Strummer.

🌻birdy

[Chloe_M]

Hey T bear,

I was reading your post... We are going through the exact same thing. My best friend, who is also my ex, has shut me out of his life. He was the only person I could talk to completely honestly. My parents are also like yours- they didn't know I had a boyfriend. The breakup combined with a few 'fall-outs' we have had since makes my anxiety worse, and gives me this depressing feeling.

I think it would be great if you could continue to post in this thread- maybe we can find ways to help each other!

xx Chloe_M

P.s I love fashion and music 😉

[Doolhof]

Hey Strummer,

I am with Birdy, sorry it has been so long since you have had any replies from anyone. I have been experiencing an interesting battle with my mental health! lately. Sometimes it wins, sometimes I do! Either way I am learning how to cope and do "life" differently.

Like Birdy mentioned, please don't take the lack of responses personally, sometimes it just happens. I have had threads in the past that have just stopped being active and that is okay.

I'm keeping busy at present doing an Aged Care course on line, once I pass that I have to do practical work in a facility somewhere.

Next month I begin attending a Pain Clinic as well so I am looking forward to what that is all about and hope it helps in many different ways.

This month I am visiting my parents in their home for the first time in over 2 years. I will also be staying with my sister for a night or two, something I have not done either for about 5 years. It is going to be interesting!

Hope you are doing okay Strummer! I'm really sorry if you feel like you have fallen through the cracks. That is a horrid feeling!

Thanks to Birdy for being aware and for rebooting your thread!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Chloe_M]

G'day Doolhof,

Does doing your aged care course help distract you from the 'battle' with your mental health? If so, its great that you are doing something to keep you happy/take your mind off it.

I agree with you and Birdy, and am also sorry that Strummer's thread was pushed toward the bottom.

Strummer, continue to reach out and share your problems + experiences with us- all of us here are willing to help you!

Good luck xx

Chloe_M

[Doolhof]

Hi Chloe,

I'm not sure that our paths have crossed before, so "hello" to you.

My study does distract me from my depression in some ways as it quite often makes me very anxious! Ha. Ha. That is different from depression!

In a way the study is helping with my mental health issues as I realise how stressed I am making myself trying to keep up with deadlines and trying to figure out what some of the questions are asking.

I am needing to come up with better coping skills and strategies, so yes, in a weird way it is helping with my depression.

Thanks for asking, you have provided me with a different way of looking at things!

Cheers to you from Dools