For the past year and a half I've struggled with depression and the most intense feeling I've felt throughout the whole thing is loneliness.
My family knows I am depressed and they know that I seek help from at a Headspace centre. Despite this, I sometimes feel I do not have their support in this. My brother and sister promised me five months ago that they would constantly check on me, and my brother has only done so a handful of times (he is overseas) and my sister has not even checked up on me and asked how I am doing. My parents tell me that I can come to them with anything, but I feel so uncomfortable talking to them about mental health, because my parents are quite old-fashioned and do not have a real understanding of it. Also in the past when I open up to them, I feel my dad turns it on me and makes me feel like all that is happening is my fault, making me feel worse. Furthermore, when they say to me 'Strummer, you can come to us with anything' I know they are lying. My brother once told my parents something concerning his sexuality, and a few months later, they kicked him out of the house. I have similar secret I hide from my religious parents (I have become a non-believer) and I know if I told them that, something similar would happen.
None of my friends know I have depression. I wanted to tell one of them for so long, but like my parents, I feel uncomfortable talking about mental health with them. The other day though, I tried talking to one of my friends about a sadness I felt, but he completely ignored it and talked about what he was doing instead. That hurt me bad, because it made me feel like no one on this planet wants to hear my issues.
My loneliness mainly stems from my interests and thoughts. During this struggle, I have become a more introspective person, able to see society from an outsider's perspective. All these thoughts and ideas buzz inside of me, and I have no one to share them with. Also, my interests do not resonate with any of my friends and family, especially my passion for music and my taste in musical genres.
All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else.
How do I fight all these feelings?
