Loneliness and Depression. Am I doomed to be forever alone?

[Strummer]

For the past year and a half I've struggled with depression and the most intense feeling I've felt throughout the whole thing is loneliness.

My family knows I am depressed and they know that I seek help from at a Headspace centre. Despite this, I sometimes feel I do not have their support in this. My brother and sister promised me five months ago that they would constantly check on me, and my brother has only done so a handful of times (he is overseas) and my sister has not even checked up on me and asked how I am doing. My parents tell me that I can come to them with anything, but I feel so uncomfortable talking to them about mental health, because my parents are quite old-fashioned and do not have a real understanding of it. Also in the past when I open up to them, I feel my dad turns it on me and makes me feel like all that is happening is my fault, making me feel worse. Furthermore, when they say to me 'Strummer, you can come to us with anything' I know they are lying. My brother once told my parents something concerning his sexuality, and a few months later, they kicked him out of the house. I have similar secret I hide from my religious parents (I have become a non-believer) and I know if I told them that, something similar would happen.

None of my friends know I have depression. I wanted to tell one of them for so long, but like my parents, I feel uncomfortable talking about mental health with them. The other day though, I tried talking to one of my friends about a sadness I felt, but he completely ignored it and talked about what he was doing instead. That hurt me bad, because it made me feel like no one on this planet wants to hear my issues.

My loneliness mainly stems from my interests and thoughts. During this struggle, I have become a more introspective person, able to see society from an outsider's perspective. All these thoughts and ideas buzz inside of me, and I have no one to share them with. Also, my interests do not resonate with any of my friends and family, especially my passion for music and my taste in musical genres.

All this has made me fear that in life, I will never connect with someone deeply and intimately. I will never have someone to pour my heart out to, or have my interests resonated with. I feel that I will never form a fathomless relationship with someone, and I am forever going to be exiled behind the invisible brick wall that cuts me off from everyone else.

How do I fight all these feelings?

[Guest_4810]

Hi Strummer.

My name is Bob and for a good part of my life I was hounded by Religious people about me being gay. They told me it is so wrong and that God hates me. Now I know better and yes it is ok to be gay. Love is Love.

Much love to you.

[Strummer]

Hello everyone, thank you to all that have recently commented.

Dools, I also find it very important to be a nice person. Sometimes though, it feels like we give more than we get, you know what I mean? In regards to cutting me some slack, I agree completely, I am very critical of myself, and sometimes I even call myself names like 'idiot' or 'stupid'. Sometimes its me talking, other times I feel as if it comes from intrusive thoughts. Recently, I've tried to become more aware of it when I realise I'm doing it, but I find it hard to think 'perk myself up.'

Which brings me to the advice written from Jessica. I really liked the idea of showing what I've written on the forum to my psychologist (maybe printing it and showing her), but as for the advice about listing my positive qualities, I find that kind of difficult. I can probably list the things I like about myself on one hand (one and a half if I'm in a good mood). However, I'll try and give it a go, as I've actually been writing a lot recently and I want to keep the momentum going.

Thank you very much for those words of support, Bob. I myself am not gay, however, that was what caused my brother to be estranged from my parents (though they are better now). I'm glad you have found a way to love and accept yourself, and I hope that continues for you.

As for an update on my 'songwriting', I'm sort of in the process of writing two. To be honest, I'd much rather shown a finished product than something incomplete. Even when I (may) post it here, there will still be a lot of work to do.

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

I tried to reply to this post yesterday while in a library, for some reason my post to you did not go through it seems!

Instead of talking to yourself in such a negative way, maybe you could say something like "Okay. I made a mistake. That is okay. I can do things differently next time." Tell yourself that everyone makes mistakes, it takes a brave person to admit to that and to be able to move on.

Intrusive thoughts can be very strong, so it is beneficial when we can recognise them, realise we do not have to entertain them or allow them to grow stronger.

Being self critical can have its advantages if you turn those negative thoughts around to start changing and improving how you look at yourself and life.

Sometimes looking at ourselves positively can be difficult. Write down the qualities you do have and expand on them if you can. If you can only write down a few things, that is a start. Sometimes family members and friends can see qualities in us that we do not recognise.

Self acceptance is something we can work on daily. As we go about the day, we can find things about us to be thankful for.

All the best with the song writing!

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

Just dropping by to say "hi" and to let you know I am hoping you are doing okay.

Cheers from Dools

[Birdy77]

Hey Strummer and Dools and Team,

I sm just checking in with you as well.

I'm in the middle of a rough patch, so i will get back to you shortly, but hope you're doing well.

How do you feel about the start of your last year of school?

🌻birdy

[Doolhof]

Hey Birdy,

Sorry to read you are in a tough place right now! Thinking of you and hoping you manage to climb your way out before it all becomes too overwhelming!

Cheers to you Birdy from Dools

[Strummer]

Hello everyone, sorry it's been a while since I posted, I just recently returned to school and I've been pretty busy 😞

Firstly, I really appreciate your efforts in checking up on me Dools and Birdy, it really means a lot. Birdy, I sincerely hope that your rough patch gets better, please stay strong.

As for the start of my last year of school, my eyes are on the horizon; I am constantly reminding myself that there is only eight more months until I am free. I've been quite well actually, feeling more self-assured and less lonely, especially with my siblings checking up on me more often, because there was a feud in my family a weeks ago that made my siblings more aware of how I was feeling. My sister is trying to keep her promise of checking up on me every fortnight and I am incredibly thankful for that, because the first time we chatted, it was not just about me, it was about her and the things she has been through as well. I was aware she had a history of smoking and being in a toxic relationship, but talking to her recently, I understood the extent of her dark feelings and how she is pretty similar to me in that aspect. I think talking about things helps a lot, and I hope that anyone going through some kind of adversary has a shoulder to lean on.

Other than my recent better-than-usual mood, there are some things that are bugging me. Though I have been more self-assured, I still find myself a little sensitive. I was dreading returning to school because I knew it signified returning to all the horrible people I had to put up, and the insults they throw around. I think that is just liked to my self-esteem, which as I've said, I'll bring up in my next session.

Also, my OCD symptoms have not been as bad before, but they still get pretty annoying, and I find that my intrusive thoughts distract me from my school work. Recently, I've had to try and explain to my family how OCD works and they still do not completely understand it, which is a little alienating, but I'm grateful that they are trying. It is something I definitely have to bring up with my psychologist next session as well.

All in all, I've been feeling pretty good recently, though I'm not without brief bouts of loneliness and sadness. If I get overwhelmed with negative feelings, I'll be sure to leave another comment on this thread. I have to say it again, I highly appreciate the efforts of everyone for checking up on me, it is something as little as that that makes me feel better 🙂

[Strummer]

Hello again to everyone 🙂 Making this post because I have a lot on my mind and I hope someone can help out.

So in the previous post, I was talking about how I felt pretty good. Well, sadly, that good feeling did not last long; I feel pretty bad right now. It something that happens to be often, a cycle of good and bad moods (is that normal?) Anyway, I made this post because I need some advice; this Wednesday, I have my next session with my psychologist, which is something I look forward too. I've been seriously considering talking to her about something I have never opened up to anyone ever, though I have made posts on this earlier; my family's dysfunction.

Recently, I've been pondering just how dysfunctional my family is. I do recall being physically beaten by my dad (though this has not happened in awhile) as well as him calling me names and generally putting me down. I have also mentioned before that I feel inferior to my brother, and that I feel like my parents love him more than my sister and I. And in spite of all this, I still carry guilt and am constantly seeking my parent's approval. I feel like this is a big contributor to my depression and is definitely worth mentioning in my session, which is something that has never been brought up before. However, I feel apprehensive doing so, because I'm afraid my psychologist will end up telling a family member, which will just be more trouble for me. So what I need advice on is, how should I go about doing this? She is sworn to secrecy, so I think it is safe to do this... But I am worried I will chicken out again and not be able to tell her what is really on my mind.

Also, I think brother and sister forgot to check up on me last week. They are probably busy, but... it does feel kind of bad to be let down again after she made another promise. And also, big news... I am going to reunite with my brother this week. He will be staying for two weeks. I am anxious to meet him, because I feel like I may come across as negative and angry. But, I'll see how that goes...

[Doolhof]

Hi Strummer,

I would like to suggest that you copy out your latest post and hand it to your psychologist to read and discuss it from there. Or write down on a piece of paper what you would like to discuss.

The Psychologist will not go to your family and discuss what you have said. If you wish for this to be discussed with your parents, than a joint session might be arranged if possible.

Our childhood experiences do make up who we are as people today. We can change our perspectives on how we believe life should be and can make our lives better and different along the journey.

It may help you to write a letter to your brother, a couple of letters perhaps. Write down everything you feel in the first letter. All the hurt, all the pain, the negativeness, the doubts and the fears. Consider all you have written, than write a second letter, telling your brother of the relationship you would like to build with him starting from today.

It will probably be best to throw the first letter away or show it to your psychologist, but not to your brother. Our minds hold a lot of resentments and negativeness that may not be true or warranted. Getting those thoughts out of our minds helps us think more clearly about what we do want.

Sometimes people mean well in making promises. We are all just people who do the best we can. We all make mistakes and let people down. Maybe contact your brother and sister and ask how they are and if they are having trouble with any issues of their own.

Hope your appointment on Wednesday goes well!

Cheers from Dools

[Strummer]

Dools, thank you so much for your posts, I really appreciate it.

I may have given the impression that I hate my brother, which I don't... It just these circumstances that make me have some negative feelings towards him. Almost my entire life, I felt like he was the favoured son, that my parents love him more than my sister and I, that I am always living in his shadow. When my brother was my age, he was closer with my dad, they were able to have an adult conversation... Now for my father and I, we mostly just small talk, and he still talks to me like I am a little kid. Even when my brother is overseas (like I said, he will be visiting this week), my dad spends more time talking to him online rather than me. It's honestly gotten to the point where I feel I should cut off my family later in life...

As for what you said about childhood experiences shaping us, that is something I fear. I've been thinking lately that maybe everything that has happened has permanently broken something in me and that I am beyond repair... I'm afraid that I will forever be doomed to be feel alone, depressed, anxious, have problems forming intimiate and meaningful relationships, have trouble opening up to people, have issues of trust... I'm also afraid that if I ever choose to have a family, that I will repeat the cycle and end up like my dad, frustrated and miserable who cannot communicate with his children.

This is why I want to bring this up with my psychologist... These thoughts of being permanently broken and repeating the cycle of poor father figures have been eating away at my mind. And even though I feel better than I did almost two years ago, I'm afraid that these feelings will never leave me.

I think this is such a personal breakthrough and revelation for me that I have to bring it up. Thank you for wishing me luck Dools, and thank younahain for your post, it really does mean a lot.