Lost on Planet Earth

[Infinite_Faith]

HI,

When you think about the universe the size of it....one has to sit back astonished. Compare that with Earth or ourselves and I don't know about you but I feel small. Tiny really, possibly insignificant. I mention this because sometimes when I think about depression and the vastness of the universe, something goes off in my head. I think it might be that when I'm feeling the depression, I equate that with my worthlessness in comparison to the universe. I also get angry and frustrated about life and death because I don't understand its purpose. When I don't undersand its purpose, what's the point? You are only going to die anyway right?

I undersand this is not generally healthy thinking. It's probably not something Paris Hilton would ponder (or does she?) I would like to know what all this planet earth deal is all about? But no one knows.....and that annoys me. Purpose, purpose purpose, isn't that important? Isn't that what we are really doing, living not knowing the purpose? The answer of course is yes, no one knows. Just get on with it. Distract yourself and don't think about purpose. (Well unless you might like to go the higher power route...which I don't)

If there was a higher power, we might see 'it' at work as least once. Is it to much to ask for one miracle (Per week :P) Feed the starving? Heal the Mentally Ill?

I'm not sure why I came to this forum. I can't think of any questions. Maybe just typing out ones thoughts could help. (I am half expecting this to be rejected...probably breaching some forum rules.....I read them, I promise :))

Maybe I might make a friend. Thats something I don't have. When I was a kid, I never thought about friends, I guess I was focused on my instrument playing, but now as I am older, I miss not having a close friend. Though I could never keep them when I was drinking, which I quit about 3 years ago. (Along with smoking) That's the other thing, what did I do that for....hey, I'm depressed, that just increases my life expectancy. 😛 (Proves I'm mental)

I mention friends because I have been doing some reading and it seems (and I will let the pro's take over here) that maintaining friendships and family relations are probably one of the most important things in life. Hey, no one ever told me that. Besides my famiily is a mess.....and there is little hope of a happy family reunion. (But you can pick your friends right?)

Something I have to working on, finding friends.

Thanks IF

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi Gazzas,

It's tough having no real home (Broken home). It took me years as a child to eventually stop hoping that my parents would even get back together. (The separated many times during my stay) I am sorry to hear you have an alcohol problem. Its beatable. I quite drinking myself around 3 years ago and quit smoking around 4 years ago. (Took a few attempts to change the habits to better ones) About our parents, yes I think you do have to look at them. Step back and ask that question, who are they and what kind of life did they have and so on. My father was and could be at times be evil, I have seen his best work or times charming as a prince. But he always had this underlining anxiety. I see it now. He could have been treated clinically much better than the route he ended up taking. And that was massive amounts of Benzo's.

My family is a mess. It was finally shatter by my eldest sister who brought the courts into what was left of the burn out building. (Seems she had a few issues she needed to shame the family with) And she did, took it all the way through the court system. Dragged my 70 year old mother through hell and back. I can't type about it here.

Yep it is common and everyone has a story.

I always stare (For a least way to long) at people who say, "Oh I had a great childhood".....I mean I get a little envious. Not only did they get that stability, they also got the mental side of things, which I guess is stability haha. They got a whole lot. On the other hand If I use your philosophy about being greatful, I am in a better place that a lot of other in other countries. In fact I shouldn't be whining at all really, compared to some.

Hmmmmm

Time to whip myself. Then after an hour later, add calamine lotion. 😛

IF

[Infinite_Faith]

Hi Mary,

I am sorry to hear you are having some problems yourself. Please feel free to bring them up. Religion is such a difficult subject. One of the 3 you will kill a party with. (That and Knock, knock jokes). Brings us full circle really, the Universe was my opening line at the top of this thread. The final resting place or the beginning of something wonderful. Who knows right. So I guess it kinda makes sense to try to be a the best person you can towards others. (great starting place).

Sadly my family is beyond AA. There is to much damage, to much hurt things have been said, lies have been told, plus my father, the main man behind all the fuse, died a few months ago. Just like that. haha.

He causes havoc in so many lives and I was given 2 weeks notice he wasn't to well, he died. I cried for all of 20 mins (had a bus to catch), he and I were never best buddies. If fact I often wonder why he seemed to hate me more than my younger brothers. This maybe because I was the second eldest and learned my queues from my mum and in those days, she was a little tougher with him and possible could say no.

Sorry I waffle on

IF

[Gazzas]

Hey IF,

Your story is so terrible and heartbreaking I can not even imagine. It is a wonder you are where you are now, still alive and fighting, and with the perspective you have. It is so alienating I know when everyone you know or meet seem to be blissfully unaware of the dark, lonely place you came from. You feel they could not possibly understand the pain you have been through and mostly don't want to to begin with. I know the envy that gets in the way of connecting with people around you. I feel so feeble. I am just starting to seek outside help for my own problems and I am lucky compared to what you have been through. I'm so sorry you are in this lonely place and I so hope you can come to a place of peace in your life, with people around you that love you. I'm there with you in the same place and want the same thing.

I do want to quit the drinking. Do you have any advice? I have been cutting down the amount lately but still not stopping. I feel restless, stressed, too much thinking. I am going to the GP tomorrow to discuss depression medication which I am nervous about. He said that would help me get off the booze. I have heard a lot of bad things about depression meds.

@Mary

The name is based on a nickname I've had 🙂 It is so nice to hear your beautiful explanation of that solitude and so nice to meet you. I have rarely met anyone who feel the same way. Thank you for recommending the thread for alcoholics to me- I will keep it in mind.

[Infinite_Faith]

In the end, I had come to the point where I hated alcohol. Maybe the first few days will be trying when quiting, but then its one day at a time. Distraction. Soon a year will pass. You don't miss it after a while. Of course putting your self around other drinkers might not be help ful. Good Luck

[Jasonw]

I read somewhere that we don't know who named earth ,' earth ' . I can feel your confusion but love in what you wrote.

maybe that's the key to expand our way of thinking to work out the purpose of being on planet earth . Confusion and questions that will never be confirmed by anyone besides our faith and beliefs .

now in saying that I'm not religious. But rather believe in something greater and more complex then I can wrap my head around nor explain.

i too have the desire to make new and more friends. Ones I can relate with and understand. Preferably with people with like minded problems.

does this site organise similar things like aa meetings? If not they should.

the most important thing for me is to love life with out dependicies . The family and friends will for In to place

anyway I enjoyed your read!

[Infinite_Faith]

Hello Jasonw,

You nailed it, if only we had purpose. But this can't happen now, Imagine if spirits started appearing telling everyone what to do. "Oh I'm on laundry" ........."No no no, your completely in the wrong possition, you need to go back to study medicine for 10 years, you're a Brain Surgeon"

(I'll stick with the trash)

I think you are right, rather than seeing it's vastness why not turn that on its head and see it as something powerful, and it has your best interest at its core. ?

IF

[Jasonw]

Best interest at its core... appealing thought. only if the world came with some job description and the do's and dont of life to end up with a illness like mine.

i can relate to you with what you are exactly saying. I'll tell you my dream, one of them anyway ;

there was a lady at the front of the class, I took her as the teacher. She mumbled something and the two to the left and the one to the right started writing.

the teacher then never explained anything so I remember I was at awe. Next minute she dissapeared like a ghost and appeared with another uniform on. The people next to me all started laughing at each other and me.

i was the last to leave out of the students and she looked in my eyes and set ' what are you doing here ? '

That dream was sunk into my head hey.

It was just after I started appling for jobs . Do you have a dream that you cannot shake. Or one that doesn't belong to you or was meant for you?

you seem a character. Do you always have your best interest at your core??

[Infinite_Faith]

Hello Jasonqw,

I am not a professional but it sounds like you might have some confidence issues and as this is job, maybe you anxiety was on the high side of normal. I would have thought in a week of 2 your sleep should settle into a better state. But I can't talk my slept habits are killing me. I'm stuck like glue, but not without a plan. (Better than no plan)

[White_Rose]

Good Morning IF

How is your day going so far (6:55am)? I am a little confused by your last post to me saying you are sorry I have problems. I re-read my several times but cannot see what you are referring to unless it was my reference to spirituality and religion in my post to Gazzas.

A purpose in life? It is important as without it we just flounder. This does not need to be a huge purpose. You are expected to work out your own destiny. What is the point of being told what to do all your life? I think the human race would still be sitting in trees if our ancestors had waited for instructions. We are a dynamic and exciting race, even with all our faults. Getting it wrong then going back to put it right is a constant theme with humans, but each time we learn a little more.

I think it is the same with managing our mental health. We can simply sit down and let go of our lives, but I doubt we will be 'cured' in this way. Sure, you've gone backwards in a big way and getting up again is hard and discouraging. The trick is to look only at what is in front of us. Aim to do something small and if it doesn't work go back and look at it again. Looking too far down the road can seem so far away we are tempted to give up. As my daughter once said to me, "Baby steps mom, baby steps".

Mary

[Jasonw]

hmmmm confidence issues are ringing alarm bells 4 me. Your the second person that has said that to me. I don't exactly want professional advise unless they have issues like me and have been through it..

head in a text book your whole life doesn't give you the grade I don't think. Personal experience does. And text books are just a bonus.

Still yet to see intellegence of a lot of people that studied mental illness. The imagination is lacking I would say

but then again who am I . I am the patient that is seeking and forced to have expert advise and help. Well ATM being forced too .

the sleep does get better but having a night like this . Awake , interested , alert and driven is what I can't have while on this medication. Well that is what I have convinced myself . I have been medicated that long I have missed a lot of my life and what I was put on this earth for.

its great you have a plan and will stick to it. Me , my plan ....I don't have one. Metirphorically speaking ' I'm a puppet that is not controlling my strings nor having my hand inside '

I don't have anxiety by the way But rather a bad heart and thoughts I cannot sway.

My path is already planned and I don't feel like I have many choices in life, I don't have a choice who I fall for or who I share my bed with. I didnt have a choice to be raised in my family and I didn't have a choice about addiction problems.

but one choice which I have is to go drug free when I get that option. And I'm going to do a good job in my life and the life that has been shaped 4 me.

appearences are not everything nor are fronts . Most people that walk around cocky and confidence are actually the weakest link at times they just have a good train of thought....

i would prefer to be who I am and wouldn't trade myself for no one. Not for money nor looks.

this fight we are all having is based on deception and lies. We are just not free and doing what we should be doing hence all our conditions on here.

What do you know about interition ? Can you trust your interition about your own problems while every one is telling you your wrong?

can you feel someone's prescence while you write back to me or even better can you see dead people or faceless people....guiding you with what to write?

i have seen neither and I'm lucky no one close to me has died... don't know what I would do... probably just cry and cry .

have you lost anyone close to you?