I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎01-07-2022

Hi James, the Elvis movie is almost 3 hours long (including the previews etc). It's very fast moving in places though - so seeing it on the big screen; and so close where I was, was a bit intimidating. But forgot whilst it was on, that it was filmed in Queensland during covid!!

I'm having another rough day/night was supposed to go to a local music production but just not up to it - plus the trains are only running less becaue they have been taken offline because of a safety despute. And I just don't fancy being stuck out in the cold and wet when I am not feeling great. I've had a headache all day and just feel emotionally flat and fatigued.

My surgeon told me that my surgery will be happening within the next 6 months; but because the hospitals are so over run no idea when. He wants me to do a VLCD - very low calorie diet (optislim), but according to their website - the intense level can only be on it for 12 weeks at a time. He wants me on it for 2 weeks before my surgery, so itcan shrink my fatty liver. (The gallbladder is lifted over the liver during surgery). He is hoping by doing so. It will mean that he can do it laparoscopically instead of a bigger cut. However I have had previous abdominal surgeries which because of scar tissue; I could still end up with a bigger incision - I already suspect that is what will happen. Just a gut feeling that I have and can't seem to shake!! It will mean a week in hospital instead of a day procedure.

I wish it could fix the rest of my health issues but unfortunately it's just one.

I sent off a text to my brother, my male friend and my uncle all about my upcoming surgery - none of them have bothered to reply to it. I like to let them know what's happening but they clearly don't care enough to respond to me. My male friend has ADHD and I know he is easily overwhelmed. And my brother is still probably mad at me for not going to my mum's funeral. He still hasn't done anything for my birthday - so he is basically acting out because he couldn't accept the fact that I was struggling to much on that day to be there. Instead of just letting it go. He has no idea how much I am struggling not only with my physical health but my mental health as well. Because he is too focused on the world revolving around him. He has always been this way. And even after loosing both parents, getting married and having his daughter. Nothing has changed

Ggrand · ‎02-07-2022

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I wish I was brave enough to go to the cinema on my own...I would love to see the Elvis movie....so many good movies I’ve wanted to see but can’t get past my anxiety to go to them....I have no one to go with..my only friend isn’t really into movies..,,

Its hard isn’t Bbydoll, when we live on our own and things need doing, but our mental/physical health stops us from getting it done...then it all builds up, on top of everything else and it begins to overwhelm us....I have a huge yard I need to mow..gardens to weed...can’t get myself outside to get it done though..

I really do hope your surgery is sooner then later..,I have faith in you that you will succeed with the VLCD....I have seen those Optislim meals at my chemist...and have wondered about if they work...If a surgeon has suggested it..,then it gives me a bit more confidence in it...maybe I’ll try it one day...

I really am sorry sweet lady, that your brother, male friend and Uncle hasn’t responded to your emails about your upcoming surgery....Your brother I wish would be more understanding of your mental health...I didn’t go to my Dads funeral....because I just couldn’t face my family...these things happen when we’re struggling..it doesn’t mean that we don’t love them..we are hurting to much to cope in public..

I do hope your looking after yourself Bbydoll and keeping nice and warm....today for me is:- a stay under the blanket day...everything else can wait until I’m feeling more up to doing them...

Sending you my love, care and hugs..,beautiful Bbydoll..

Grandy..

james1 · ‎04-07-2022

Oh gosh, 3 hours?! That might have to be a home screening for me - I struggle with anything longer than 90 mins, which is most movies. Thank gosh musicals have intermissions!

A VLCD sounds like it would be tough, but hopefully useful in terms of doing the surgery which already sounds quite scary. A week in hospital sounds dreadful, and hopefully it does not come to that. I suppose, without being dismissive about how concerning that is for you, that's a problem for another day when it comes around. Whether it'll be a day procedure or longer, we'll be here and hopefully the hospital staff will be nice as well.

Sorry to hear about your family not responding. That must be so disheartening. I understand you must feel so hurt by your brother as well. Perhaps he will come around over time. Sometimes it can take people a long time, much longer than we would like, to let go and understand where we are coming from. It's painful, and we end up needing to find other supports in the meantime, but I think people often do come around eventually.

Take care for now. The forums will be down for a couple of days if you haven't seen the email, but we will be here with you as always once we're back.

James

Bbydoll · ‎06-07-2022

Hi James, yes the Elvis movie went much longer than I'd anticipated and there was quite a line up for the ladies loo afterwards😂

The VLCD is going to be a nightmare as I have to buy the shake products and stick to a very low carb, low calorie and low fat diet! I have no doubt that if I can stick to it; I'll loose weight - but will probably put some back on once I get back to eating real meals. I was supposed to be seeing my GP today; but he got caught up in the floods. Thankfully it was only for meds, so I'll be speaking to him on Friday afternoon via phone. I might raise the VLCD with him, as I think that I can see a dietitian for free under medicare and maybe they can plan what will happen when I get off this diet. I'm feeling very flat and unmotivated at the moment and the weather hasn't helped. I was at the hospital on Sunday - as I had a painful cut in my bottom which I thought was infected but thankfully it was fine and my bloods showed no infection even though I'd had fevers the week before. No covid or flu symptoms either. It's still a shock (a good one) when I hear good results. I feel like I live in fear waiting for the next shoe to drop! I'm supposed to be seeing a show tomorrow night - but I am struggling to figure out if I'll get there feeling flat and the issues with the trains or limited trains on at the moment etc. Of course I had no idea any of this would be happening when I booked the ticket, several months ago.

I've also been binge eating because of the stress of being ignored. My uncle only bothered to reply to my texts after my little trip to the hospital. Still no word from my brother, my male friend or my female friend who completely shut down several months ago. They all know that I don't have a lot of support around, but it clearly makes no difference to any of them. If I had other people physically in my life for support, I wouldn't care so much - but it's like I don't exist. And that hurts. I know if they reached out, I'd respond.

Bbydoll · ‎08-07-2022

Last night I saw Cruel Intentions the musical. It was rather racy but quite funny musical with lots of 90s musical flashbacks in it. Wish I had someone to share it with or some friends as it would be great for new memories but I was there in my own again and ironically enough front row again😂 I was very to get there and back. As my train got cancelled on the way down, lucky enough I got there in time. And coming back there was very limited stops as there was track work. And loads of people had to get a bus in either directions - north and south, so would have longer to travel. And most of them had luggage to manage with them. My back was killing me the entire time. Probably due to the fact my binge eating is out of control - I'm making menulog lots of money as I'm too lazy/depressed/unmotivated to get down to the shops and buy stuff. I have a phone call from my GP later today for meds.. and should mention my struggling but I'm so ashamed of this especially when I'm supposed to be on a low fat diet. I very nearly didn't go out last night because of my low mood but so glad I pushed myself; even with the pain.

Sophie_M · ‎08-07-2022

Hi Bbydoll

We are glad to hear that you were able to get out and about last night and even went to a show. We know how hard that can be sometimes so we hope that you can reflect on what an acheivement this can be.

We just wanted to drop in to say good luck with your GP today and that if your finding it hard to start conversations sometimes sharing what you've written here can help. Maybe you could find a post that speaks to how you are feeling and share it - just an idea.

Thank you for being such a great member of this community.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Bbydoll · ‎08-07-2022

Hi Sophie,

I've finally spoken to my doctor. Unfortunately he was running far behind - so couldn't talk for very long. Just did some scripts and has started the paperwork for the beginning for me to see a dietitian - I will have to see him nect week, sometime to complete it.

I ended up binge eating a massive order from McDonald's for lunch; so I'm going to have an early night because I have shopping and errands to run tomorrow morning - and have to do them as I also have a parcel overdue to be picked up; as well as get my meds from today's phone call.

I feel like such a failure as I thought I had grown up past years and years of binge eating - only for it to be as bad as it ever was.

Bbydoll · ‎09-07-2022

After buying my meds this morning.. I was left with just over $100 to spend on groceries - as I spent almost $300 on the optifast productions bought online in bulk. Then spent about $50 at the musical and spent almost $200 on junk food/food orders which was an absolute waste of money in most cases... far enough if I'd enjoyed it. But most of it wasn't even hot when it was delivered!! I'm tired and angry at the moment and my back really hurts. I really wanted to have a nap but one of my neighbours is screaming along to Nirvana at the top of his lungs. The past week, this same neighbour has been listening to his music loudly but the rain had buffered it a bit. We have had numerous Tennants make a load of noise - to the point of calling the police because at night they have to be quiet... I just hope we don't end up with a repeat of this. This is the last thing I need on top of everything else that I have to put up with. I was going to have my toilet paper and bleach delivered - as I didn't want to carry that home. Unfortunately Woolworths don't do deliveries under $50 and charge $15 on top of that. So it looks like I will have to get back down to the shops next week - it's a joke! It costs me $10 to get a taxi home. And last time I did - the driver charged $3.50 before we had left because I put my shopping in the boot. He didn't even bother to get out of the car and help me with the shopping. And I had my granny trolley full. It was very heavy to lift. Same when I got out at the other end!!!

Bbydoll · ‎11-07-2022

So have been sleeping over 12 hours again at a time. Friday night 1130pm to 11am Saturday. Spent most of my last $50 on a big sushi order. Ate most of it. Fell asleep between 2 and 3pm woke up this morning at 430am.

I don't feel any better for sleeping that long either. I still have physical pain. And am emotionally flat. Wanted to watch something on tv last night and of course missed out on it. And can't watch it on catch up tv or online because I don't have access to it.

Another weekend where nothing happened. Still no word from my brother - who said that we would catch up and do something for my birthday which was 6 weeks ago... so I don't think it will happen anytime soon. Not that I'm surprised by this.. it's his usual way of doing things. If it doesn't benefit him then it won't happen.

james1 · ‎12-07-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I'm sad to hear you had such a bad weekend. It's a really hard balance between getting rest where you need it, especially if you're suffering from both physical and mental health concerns, while also finding a way to do a fun activity. I always felt like it was a bit of a vicious cycle because the less we do the worse we feel, which then just leads us to want to do even less. It was a horrible mix of guilt and lethargy. I had the opposite food problem to you where I would just not eat, and that made me feel really sapped too.

What helps you feel more energised to do an activity? It sounds like you really enjoy shows and were able to go to them even when you didn't feel great. Is there something about that which you could use to find something for the weekends or days that you don't have a show on?

James