I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎12-07-2022

Hi James, thanks for the response and insight in what you have had to deal with. Everyone's journey is different and I hope that you're managing ok.
My shows are usually what gets me through the hard times. Unfortunately, the physical side of things is just extra difficult when I sleep for over 12 hours at a time - everything just shuts down. I don't even need to go to the bathroom - it's pure exhaustion. And that ultimately affects my mood. Even if I'm not depressed/anxious it can (and has more recently) lead to feeling flat and unmotivated.
I have to start my optifast diet for my next surgery soon. I Have the products - just need to get paid again for the protein and salad and I can start. I have been thinking about getting back into the gym. Gently obviously - but it would give me a reason to get out of bed every morning and try and achieve something. When I was in my 20s I had been going to the gym during the week. Just eating 3 meals a day - then being abit more relaxed on the weekend etc. I was the happiest and fittest and probably healthiest; I have ever been! I would love to get back there - plus I could wear all my pretty dresses; instead of leggings and pyjamas.
If I can manage that... loosing weight would help my overall mental state and hopefully my pain issues - as lately my back has been extra sore and any movement hurts; especially sitting around at home.
Obviously I will be under instructions with a dietitian in relation to the optifast diet and my GP for the exercise - and from memory, the gym does a specialized program for everyone.
In the long term.. I'd love to save enough money to study online. I know that I have the brain power - but I need a better laptop and a decent internet connection!!
I would love to study a diploma of science and eventually get into medical research; as I love learning.

james1 · ‎19-07-2022

Hello Bbydoll,

Have you managed to find a good alternative to in-person shows, which can lift your mood even if you're feeling physically tired? E.g. DVDs of live performances and that kind of thing? It's not the same at all, but I find it can be really helpful to have a few at-home activities that are low energy, but give you a bit of a mental boost. Personally, I really enjoy board games, doing the weekend sudoku over a hot tea, and comics. These are things you'd often find me doing on a rainy day after work (like now!) or on a weekend after a crap week at work.

The gym sounds like a really great activity, and I can hear your excitement about what kinds of things you could achieve with that. Love it! Is there a good gym nearby?

I also love your last note about studying and learning. It's something I miss so much, and which often made me feel pretty good about myself overall as I felt like I was learning more and improving myself.

These are really really fantastic things to be able to look forward to doing. It might take a little bit of time as there are still a few hurdles to overcome, but I hope you can hold onto these thoughts because you absolutely are capable of getting there.

I hope your week is going well

James

Bbydoll · ‎22-07-2022

Hi James, my battery in my phone died last week and I have only just been able to get a replacement! As much as I missed being online. .. it was just hard not being able to google things online when I wondered about certain things. As to your questions - I usually put my headphones on and listen to CDs.. it helps.. but ultimately I think I need to try and spend my money wiser- which will hopefully help with my binge eating. As I'm still dealing with this on a daily basis. I've been getting more items for my diet that my surgeon wants me on.. so hopefully by the end of this month/beginning of next - I should be able to start it. I also got a letter from the hospital staying that (from the 8th July it will be 3 months for my surgery - but of course that will depend on whether or not the hospital is affected by covid and the flu.).

Also a letter by the GP saying that I need to make an appointment with him to discuss my dietitian appointment and if there's anything else then I need a separate appointment - and of course they don't do double bookings any more😣

Anyways.... if I can get the money together then I can then move forward with everything else!

Bbydoll · ‎23-07-2022

So 2 days of back to back binge eating. Yesterday I did errands and was busy but still managed to binge on junk food. Today I spent over $50 on delivery food - junk. I've only eaten half of it but feel ill. It was a waste of money and I shouldn't have done it because I can't afford to waste my money and I am already bloated and uncomfortable from yesterdays bingeing.. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to do a restrictive diet when I can't go a week or more without binge eating. It's disgusting and pathetic. And I feel so useless and messed up over it.

I went over a week without communicating with anyone and the only person in my life who was worried about me was a couple of my online friends - it doesn't surprise me. When no one bothers to check up on me ... ever.

It's no wonder my life is such a mess.

Bbydoll · ‎24-07-2022

Spent the entire night up because I was trying to talk with my best friend who lives in America.. but she managed to fall asleep and so I wasted time waiting for a response - yeah it was mindless endless chatter about guys and nothing life or death but I don't really have anyone else to bounce this off as my closest female friend has ghosted me. Either she was sick of my constant updates on my trips to hospital or she's dealing with her own things but I think it's just it's just rude to do. I probably do text too much but I also text my brother, my male friend and one of my uncle's to let them know if I end up in hospital but rarely do they respond. As I mentioned a few days earlier - it's frustrating and soul destroying and like I'm not important to them. My brother and male friend - both know that I don't have a lot of people around and whilst I don't expect an immediate response, a quick text within 24 hours shouldn't be too much to ask. It's been almost 2 months since my birthday and still my brother has done absolutely nothing to celebrate it; despite him claiming he would! I haven't seen my male friend this year at all. He got covid when my mum passed away, so couldn't be around and I think he felt guilty over that. He has been busy in rehearsals and I will hopefully catch up for a beief chat within the next few weeks (when I watch one of his shows). Unfortunately his overbearing wife will be there, I am fully aware she hates me - but I honestly couldn't care. I'm not looking to be someone's seconds and I do want to speak to him, at a later date about that - as the last time I saw him, he kissed me. And I just froze because it caught me off guard.

Bbydoll · ‎25-07-2022

So almost another day gone. And another night of binge eating. My friend from America barely spoke to me; despite me basically waiting online all day for her. She stopped talking to me; after I mentioned a birthday present for my male friend. She shouldn't be jealous because I have sent her 2 big boxes of goodies, whilst she undergoes her own medical issues. Both her and him are celebrating big milestone birthdays. I feel like I am dealing with kids when they're both older than me. Because I am living pay day to pay day... I have overdue work on my teeth and I'm trying not to think about it as it messes with my head. I'm clearly in danger of loosing two of my front molars and I already have a low self image/low self esteem as it is. Because of my binge eating I'm fat and bloated. The restrictive diet I'm supposed to be on, will unfortunately see me spending a lot of time in the bathroom as I've already tried some of their products. It really flushes out my entire system.

Life shouldn't be this hard. I am finding it harder and harder to see my way out of the tunnel

james1 · ‎26-07-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I'm sad to hear you struggle so much with binge eating. It's not something I've had a problem with personally, but I've heard about a lot and it seems so destructive to people's lives. The way you describe it sounds like you have a similar experience and want to be able to stop. I know you said you find it disgusting and pathetic, but I don't think so. People often turn to different coping mechanisms because they are in a lot of pain. I used to self-harm and generally self-sabotage any efforts to get better. A lot of it was feeling like I didn't deserve better, but also because I just didn't know how to be in a better place and how to be supported. I am not sure what changed, but at some point things got better and I could look back and see that the unhelpful habits weren't things to be ashamed of, or to blame myself for.

Perhaps rather than looking for a way out of the tunnel, it's more about looking for the parts of the tunnel that seem a bit brighter. I often find it really hard to see the solution to big problems, but a bit easier to see the smaller things that work or are good. It sounds like shows are a big part of that for you, as is exercise, and music. How do you find these affect your binge eating and feeling like you need to just eat more?

I noticed that you spend a lot of effort on people who aren't very good at providing the support you need, and it seems to cause you a lot of frustration and sadness. I understand it is really hard to be alone and you want to talk to people. I hope this does not come across as a leading question, because I don't mean it to be, but I am wondering if you feel like the energy you spend on the same people is worth it?

James

Bbydoll · ‎27-07-2022

Hi James, I totally understand what you're saying about me putting in the effort towards my "friends" and my brother and not getting anything back from them. But the truth is, if I didn't put in the effort; then I would be completely alone. And then I would probably spiral further down. I do feel like I'm grasping at straws to try and maintain them in my life.. I already don't talk much to my extended family because one of my cousins was causing drama for me and that was the last thing that I needed to have to deal with.

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you're doing much better now. I'm falling back into sleeping for 15 hours straight and then binge eating on take away food for dinner. It Was hard not to, as I was so cold and tired. And I ended up blacking out in front of tv (from exhaustion - I don't drink/do drugs). I have no idea of how much money I have left in my bank account right now; as I don't have Internet banking on my phone.

The binge eating, I think just numbs everything and then I regret it instantly. I feel physically ill and it can affect my gut (by making it painful and bloated). I've had a lot of bowel surgery due to illness. I'm also supposed to be doing the low carb/low fat diet in preparation for my gallbladder surgery. I'm just so sick and tired of all the continued struggling.

Bbydoll · ‎29-07-2022

So last night I ended up spending my last amount of money on some cooked pork and veggies; delivered. I now have no money until next Thursday and I was supposed to be paying off $100 on my zippay account as well as my phone bill which is $120 as they're ripping me off on that too. Tonight's dinner was some pork (that I had to cook on my own) and some raw onion - as that's the only veggie I have; other than some frozen veggies.

I then binged on some (dry) optislim sachets - that make up the shakes that I am supposed to be on. Because that's how pathetic I am.

I have been sleeping until about 3pm every day and don't have any motivation to do anything. And then I'll get to bed between midnight and 3am. Rinse and repeat.

My brother texted me yesterday midday; wanting to drop off his old tv off to me tomorrow but I have asked for another week or so. (This is my Christmas present from last year!). He knew that my apartment needs to be cleaned up but never bothered to offer to help me clean it up. He hasn't responded to my request to give me some more time other than to say that it was taking up room at his house (mind you its a 3 bedroom house;and I'm in a 1 bedroom apartment).

And top today off. I ordered 2 new reusable face masks - only to have Australia Post, not deliver them. But instead I have to pick them up at the Post Office. It means the driver was too lazy to get out of their van and deliver them - as I have been home, all week!!

james1 · ‎31-07-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I understand. You've mentioned finding it really hard in the past to form long lasting connections with others, and I'm sad that you feel you can only really reach out to them. Perhaps that's something else that a bit more routine like going to the gym could help, once you are able to get started on that? Particularly if you have classes, it could be nice to see the same people and catch up. I currently do jiu-jitsu and, even though I don't really think of the people there as being close friends, it's a nice bit of social interaction that I get. I also go to the same two coffee shops in my suburb and have a bit of a connection with the people there. It's not quite the same, but I found that it can help with loneliness.

Yes, I am in a much better place now and I'm very grateful for that. A big part of it was actually the coffee shop people that I saw every day. Weird, but I guess even the small things can help in the long run.

I understand with the binge eating. I did the same with video games, but luckily they don't have too many physical side effects, just bad addiction and staying inside all day. Thankfully, I'm now at a stage where I can still enjoy games just for what they are, and get myself outside to enjoy the sun a bit when it's a nice day.

That's annoying about the post office not delivering the face masks. Do you have other face masks that you could use to pick up from the post office & is it within walking distance? Would you feel better going for a brief walk and have a little sit in a nearby park or something? If nothing else, it could at least be a bit of a chance to the day. I've noticed that you've spoken a bit about how repetitive each day feels.

James