I hate this time of year & everything about my life

[Bbydoll]

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

[Bbydoll]

Well it's almost 530. I've eaten both main meals and the chicken skewers over the past couple of hours. Not surprisingly I feel ill. And self loathing quite a bit still too. The only thing that happens when I binge eat is that I get fatter. It solves nothing. And yet I still do it. I'm going to bed because I only got out of bed yesterday to use the bathroom and then ended up out of bed to catch the end of the news and then ate from 9pm onwards. I've been sleeping during the day and only eating at night. So it means I'll be very bloated for when I see moulin rouge which doesn't help me either.

[Bbydoll]

Almost 48 hours and still no word if she's coming or not to the show. So I've tagged her on my Facebook page - she said she'd read the email but she hasn't responded any further. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow afternoon regardless... but the longer she leaves it the more likely I'm going on my own and possibly sitting at a table with some random from the audience. And PAID for their ticket because they sell them in pairs for the privilege of sitting as part of the stage area.

I should have realized that this is exactly what would happen because I have proven time and again that no one wants to hang out with me... this has happened so much over my adult lifetime

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you as much as I want to...I haven’t been the best mentally and having some brain fog, makes it hard to post...

I think it’s a great idea to get your hair done, regardless of If the woman from Facebook goes with you or not...I know it would be much nicer to have someone go with you...but if no one can accompany you sweet lady....even though I can hear how sad you are about that...please do go along and enjoy the show.....who knows..maybe if some stranger sits next to you...a nice friendship could arise because straight away you will have a common interest together...and things to talk about, the show “Moulin Rouge”....

Thats okay lovely Bbydoll, about staying in bed..this week I’ve spent more time in bed then out of it...only getting up to feed my fur girls, toilet, drink and eat...then back to bed..sometimes we just need to survive the day the best we can....and hope that tomorrow will be a better day...

I hope you can enjoy getting your done professionally...I can imagine you will look amazing....and you will feel amazing as well...because you really are an amazing person, the way you keep getting up and taking those baby steps forward...

My kindest thoughts with my care..,dear friend.

Grandy...

[Bbydoll]

Thank you for your support and encouraging words Grandy. I've been so stressed that I didn't sleep at all last night. I asked 7 people last night if they could come to the show and 6 of them all turned me down and I haven't heard back from my brother who I asked if his wife could come.. . I'm not holding my breath as they both said that me spending my money on shows was a waste of money.. plus they have a 2 year old niece that takes up most of their time now.

I really just want to lie down and sleep but my hair appointment is in a couple of hours.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

I would like to disagree with your brother...if that’s okay..If your spending your money on something that you youvenjoy...then to me it’s not a waste of money...We only have one very short life to live...we need live it with what makes our heart and soul happy.....for you it’s all the aspects of musicals...the show itself, dressing up and feeling beautiful, eating out and of course the atmosphere of the show itself.....Sweet Bbydoll...please do whatever your beautiful heart desires....

I really do feel so much sadness for you..that no one is able to accompany you...that is their loss, they are missing out on an amazing time with you...

I am so proud of you...and I know in my heart that even if you do go alone you will get so engrossed into the show and the performance that you will have a great and memorable time their....because you are doing something that you love.

Really dear Bbydoll...even though you might not believe me...you really are one amazing person.....and I’m so happy to have the privilege of talking to you....

My kindest thoughts sweet Bbydoll with my care and a hug..

Grandy..

[Bbydoll]

Hi Grandy, yes I absolutely agree with what you've said about my brother. Hard to stand up for myself when his wife agrees with him. He never bothered responding to my text to see if his wife could come with me.

I never heard anything back from my Facebook page. So I ended up going on my own. And thankfully I was able to have the 2 seats to myself. Some of the ushers and other guests helped me take some photos and I took some photos of the stage and the props. And they had a couple of costumes on display in the foyer - so I took photos of them as well. I loved being in touching distance of the stage. I got to see all the costumes up close and the whole show is just so much fun. It has more songs in it than the actual movie version. And the costumes are designed by the same lady, that designed the costumes for the movie as well.

I have been thinking since my birthday that I'm not a priority for anyone. And I got a message on facebook from a previous post today - 8 years ago, I literally had said the exact same thing. I wanted to go somewhere with a friend of mine (probably wanted to watch my ex - a musician who used to do local gigs). And because they couldn't go. I didn't end up going and I was so angry and upset because I once again missed out on doing something that I wanted to do. But I have had struggled keeping any friends since I was a teenager despite me organizing things - I even had a themed party where my friends came over ate dinner and then took off to be with their boyfriends instead of hanging out with me for a couple of hours. And now I can't get anyone to respond to texts or even catch up over a cuppa. I get that most people have families/partners and jobs to deal with - but no body bothers to check up on me. No one invites me out anywhere even if I ask people to come to do things with me etc. I am still waiting to hear from my male friend to help with my light fixtures as I literally have no one else to help me change the lightbulbs. I have high ceilings and no ladder. And the company that I rent said that they could send out a handyman but they would be charging me for it because it was my responsibility to change them!!

I've been binge eating again. And eating all the wrong foods for my gallstones; so my abdomen is bloated and fat. I couldn't wear the sequined robe that I wanted to wear. I wore a black dress but looked frumpy. But I wasn't going to loose $600 for nothing!

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bbydoll,

Firstly sweet lady...you are definitely a priority to me...over the past few weeks getting to know you has been a beautiful privilege for me....

I am so happy to hear that you had a wonderful time watching Moulin Rouge...and sitting so close to the stage would have been an added bonus, being able to see the amazing costumes and performers up close...I think that was so nice of those people to help you get some great photos of a night out to remember....

I know dear sweet Bbydoll, it hurts when the people we think are friends don’t respond to us....it’s really very sad...

I used to lease out the only shop in my small village...while I was operating the shop, everyone in town would have to come in to collect their mail...because I also had a small post office inside the shop...also a lot of these people would buy fish, chips, hamburgers, smokes etc and didn’t have the money until payday so I credited it to them....I even had coffee throughout the day with lots of the residents here...after a couple of years of losses..I sold my home out out town and bought in this town...to keep the shop and post office open...after another year all my savings went into the shop and I had to try to sell the lease...not successful though, so I closed up the shop...

Well those people who owed me money..were the first to start harassing me, then others in the town came Day and night banging on my door and verbally abusing me...because I shut up the shop....These nice kind friendly people became mean and hurtful...I realised that they were only using me...when I couldn’t be of service to them...they didn’t want to know me...All the credit I gave them...never returned back to me....A lot of so called friends will use us for their benefit....Real, true and dear friends are extremely very rare.....I have only one friend that has been genuinely caring towards me....I think what I’m trying to say, is that even though we consider them our friends, sometimes that isn’t returned back to us....I know that your a very sensitive and genuinely beautiful person...and it hurts me knowing how they treat you....You deserve to be treated so much better then your friends are treating you...

Thats okay about the binge eating...you are aware of what your doing and trying your very best to beat this...I do have a lot of faith and belief in you sweet lady....That you will win that battle..

Always here for you, when I can be dear Bbydoll, with my care and best wishes..

Grandy..

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

I'm glad you were able to go to Moulin Rouge. It would have been nice to see it with someone, but at least you were able to go. I understand it may be a bit of a painful memory from 8 years ago, but I think there's something to be proud of there; that set-backs like that don't stop you from doing the things you want to do anymore. It can sometimes be hard to count on people when we've been hurt so many times, so I'm actually really happy for you that you were able to go and enjoy the show despite your friends and brother being so flaky.

Like Grandy said, you're a priority to both of us. I may not be able to come and post as often as I'd like, but your happiness matters to me, and I hope we can help you feel supported and remembered while your friends and family are being so flaky recently.

I hope you don't mind if I share something briefly. I've had a few chats recently to a few different friends about how friendships seem to change as people start to settle down. It was an interesting conversation, but it made me feel a little bit guilty because I think I started doing that to my friends a few years ago when I started getting more pets. It reminds me a lot of my time at uni when I couldn't find a group of similar people to me, and often felt really excluded from friendship groups. So I think what you said about feeling you're not a priority for anyone is something I remember really well. It seems very hard to be single or to live alone once you have passed your 20's, because people start to get other priorities and forget to check in on friends. A friend of mine volunteers for a service which literally just takes phone calls from people wanting to have a conversation because there are so many lonely people out there with no one to talk to and feel forgotten.

Anyway, I am glad you got to see Moulin Rouge. I saw it earlier in June and really liked it. I take it you were sitting at those cool cabaret tables? I was sitting further out the back, feeling envious of the people who were in that neat section! I also saw Mary Poppins last week which was really good.

Take care for now

James

[Bbydoll]

Hi Grandy and James; thank you both for your kind words and support.

James - yes that's is exactly where I was. On the left side right up at the front. The stage was in front of me and the walkway down the middle to my right. And no one in front of me. Tables to my left and behind me. Felt a bit voyeuristic! Especially initially as the can can girls were right on the edge of the stage! But I did enjoy feeling a bit special to be in that seat.

Grandy, I'm so sorry that those people were so mean to you. I have found over the years how selfish and self absorbed, most people are. I guess because I am so sensitive but also I try and be more caring because I know how awful a lot of people can be.

On Thursday I did a lot of errands. And then on Friday - I used some of my dine and discover vouchers towards seeing the new Elvis movie as well as some lunch afterwards. Unfortunately I've been crashing with my health and have spent the past 2 days sleeping more than 12 hours straight; cold chills and blacking out - all of which is auto immune related; as I've had these all before covid. I just get so frustrated because I had 2 days where I was out and about and doing things then I can barely leave my bed. And as I am on my own. I have no one who can put on a load of washing for me etc. I've got a very full washing machine and of course it's supposed to rain today. I'm going to sleep and see what happens. I've got an appointment tomorrow afternoon to see my new surgeon in regards to the removal of my gallbladder and gallstones and that has priority over getting the washing done. I need to be awake and conscious for that. The upside is that it's in walking distance from my place to it... so won't have to far to travel. The down side is being out of pocket $100 even after medicare; which makes saving for a phone a bit harder!!!!

[james1]

Hello Bbydoll,

Oh nice! They looked like pretty special seats from where I was sitting out the back, haha! How was the Elvis movie? I've heard mixed things about it, but it seems like a pretty big over the top fun movie?

Sorry to hear you're having a lot of health issues at the moment. It sounds so hard to manage, especially when you are on your own as well. And I can really understand the frustration of being able to do things then suddenly have to be bedridden again.

How did you go with the appointment yesterday? Sounds like the surgery is pretty important but disruptive too. Hopefully it will help you feel better though.

James