I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎24-11-2022

I haven't been sleeping much, or looking after myself very well. I keep thinking about what I'm going to miss out on because of my health issues and lack of money. I'll be 50 in a few years and I was wishing I could travel to Japan with my best friend who lives in America. We have never met but talk most days. We both love sushi and I want to go and see the Cherry blossoms. Unfortunately she is currently going through her own health issues. She is a few years older than me and I have a feeling that she might not be well enough to travel by my birthday.

I have always wanted to travel across America as well. For my 21st I asked for money instead of a present from family and friends and was forced into a party by my parents as they didn't think that is was nice to just ask them! They also sold my car, as I hadn't learnt to drive. I saved up everything and had raised over $10,000. They then went and spent it and continued to use all of my money that I received from centrelink for bills. They never repayed me back, and I never got my trip. Last night I was looking online at Disneyland. And although I don't do roller-coasters, I still would love to go there! The only way that's likely to happen is if I win some money on power-ball.

My depression is definitely worse and it usually is around this time but now, it's really bad. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I'm so tired of struggling with no end in sight, and the increase in everything isn't helping and all the Christmas stuff makes it so bad as well.

Sophie_M · ‎24-11-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

We are sorry to hear that you are feeling so suffocated by your feelings right now, thank you for continuing to reach out to the community. We can see you are currently experiencing an increased number of stresses in your life, and we encourage you to keep engaging and seeking support.

We just wanted to remind you know that if you ever want to have talk about your depression, we are just a call or web chat away. You can contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or through Online Chat 24/7.

We know that this is a difficult time of the year and want you to know that you’re not alone, we are here to support you if you need us.

Warm regards

Sophie M

Bob_22 · ‎24-11-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for the update. Sorry for the delay in reply. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling. It sounds like you have a lot going on medically and emotionally. I hope your heart and gallbladder issues are okay are attended to appropriately. I'm sorry to hear that your now sleeping too little and you haven't been taking care of yourself. When faced with a mountain of obstacles it is best to start things one step at a time. If I could suggest, it may be best to follow up with your doctors re the CT angio. You might find that once you have got into a mindset of taking care of your body that your mental health might follow. Sorry if that is over simplifying things. Please keep us updated and as Sophie M mentioned please reach out to the counsellors here if you ever need to talk to someone one on one. Hope this helps. 💙

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎24-11-2022

Hi Bob, unfortunately because I would have to see the cardiologist as a public patient, it would likely take months to get the appointment and then they will probably run a heap of tests before the angio. I know this from all the specialist doctors I've seen in and out of hospital for most of my life. I don't have private health insurance and my GP has said that it's a pretty expensive test. I've just had a shower and washed my hair, the first in days. It might be because I had fairy bread this afternoon, as today it's celebrated nationally! I had groceries delivered this afternoon and paid my phone bill, and after the deductions for gas/electricity/advanced payment and a few things on after pay... I'm left with about a 100 dollars to last 13 days, and I still have to buy some over the counter medications.

I still haven't made the phone calls yet, but will try and do them tomorrow if I can be conscious long enough. I wanted to achieve so much in my life but, every SINGLE time I try my health gets in the way of it or my circumstances mean it doesn't happen- after high school, I tried in vain over 20 or so years to complete various courses and try and start a career - but nothing ever got that far. I've finished parts of the courses here and there but not enough for a job. As it was, I finished the last 3 years of high school by correspondence on paper and as a consequence, never had a formal and most of my friends lost any interest in staying in touch- as they were out drinking and being with their boyfriends. They never bothered inviting me out because I didn't drink. I've lost friendships and relationships and that includes my family because they don't understand what I'm dealing with. I have no kids or partner. My brother actually accused me of complaining because whenever I would tell him what I was facing, he didn't really want to know! He still hasn't done anything for my birthday which was in may. He still hasn't texted me even though I asked him to earlier in this month. I feel like I'm just permanently stuck. Nothing seems to make a difference in my life. And every time this time of year comes around, it's always the same - I've achieved nothing this year and it just feels wasted.

Bbydoll · ‎27-11-2022

So this weekend all I'm managing to do is binge eat and sleep. I'm back to being physically being exhausted and cold. Tomorrow is supposed to be a hot day but I'm sitting here in flannelette pyjamas and I'm freezing cold! My GP still has no idea why I get like this- my thyroid is fine. There's nothing that has been picked up in my blood work that can explain it. But I've done a bit of my own research and figure it's probably because of my auto immune conditions. I think I've mentioned this previously but one of my cousins has had similar experiences and she just says she's got a faulty temperature gauge. I wonder how it would impact a relationship if I ever got in one again. The only way I can warm up is to have a hot shower and then layer up or sleep with the electric blanket on. Most men I've known, generate heat naturally from their bodies as a side effect of testosterone. It's so crazy to think we are almost in summer and I'm still complaining about being cold. I think the guy that lives above me sometimes opens his bedroom window open, I don't know if this affects the temperature in my apartment but I often here him close in the early hours of the morning. Nothing is happening for me this weekend, just like most weekends. My best friend asked me earlier today if I was ok. But I liked and said that I was ok. She doesn't need to know how bad I'm struggling-she can't help me out. She is struggling with money issues and her health, but she has a room mate to help her out. And once she gets her doctors to properly diagnose her, she should be getting financial assistance. She has stage 4 kidney disease and may end up on dialysis. My dad was on dialysis before he passed away- so I know what that entails. She also has lupus and possibly cancer. She has had a lump removed from her neck and is currently undergoing several types of tests etc, but just like out here it's taking months before anything happens. She celebrated thanksgiving with her room mate and another friend by being taken out to eat for a meal. Her room mate paid for it all.

Bob_22 · ‎27-11-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Thanks for keeping us updated. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with being cold and overrun with expenses lately. It doesn't help that the cost of living is so high now. I'm sad to hear that your brother hasn't contacted you and you feel like you have not achieved anything so far. You might not have a career or a six figure salary but you have alot to show for your lived experience, that being a very strong and independent version of yourself. You should be proud of this.

I know you mentioned that you are only going to eat and sleep this weekend but that is okay sometimes. I believe I have done the same and similar to you, feel like I've achieved very little this year. But that is the past and we can only control our present. However, I think it is great that you've made a good friend online in the US. Have you considered having a zoom or skype session with them once a week. It's something I've tried and can be quite fun! 🙂

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎27-11-2022

Hi Bob, well my brother finally responded to my private message and sent me his number tonight; after I sent him another message this morning. He said for Christmas day they will first be going to see our extended family for breakfast and then have lunch with his wife's family for lunch. That will mean an early start maybe leaving home around 7am! I told him that I haven't been well and will just stay home. And instead of him asking any questions to see what was going on or offering any assistance - his response was to say its a month away. And I said that I know my body. He has absolutely no compassion- whatsoever and the only way for him to do anything is if it helps him somehow.

And whilst I appreciate your kind words. When I said I haven't achieved anything it means any of my goals or dreams as well. And that's likely not going to change. I'm not going to be having kids; which I'd some thing I wanted. I never had a guy want to actually commit to a relationship for that too happen and I never had enough money for IVF.And because of my health issues, I probably wouldn't qualify to be able to adopt as I'm in and out of hospital so much.

I will probably never own my own home, because I can't even get a job. The only job I ever had, my mum interfered and I got fired from it. And no employer would hire me now with absolutely no qualifications, no experience and health issues. I'm basically doomed to struggle until I die.

Bbydoll · ‎30-11-2022

I've spent most of the past week in bed due to pain issues on top of my usual pain issues. I contacted 4 separate charities last night to try and organise a hamper for myself for Christmas as I will be on my own. 2 of them bothered to reply and one of them said that they usually only give them out to people that have been dealing with that charity for the past3 months but if they have enough they may give me one. There is a charity called that gives out handbags with period products and beauty items in it and I contacted them to see if I could get one. They told me that they give them to charities and that I should contact the charities. So far none of the charities I have contacted have them. And I know some bunnings stores were collecting them. Once again.. I'm put in the too hard basket. It seems to be the theme of my life - everyone just doesn't want to deal with me.

My brother has suggested that we met up (with his wife and daughter) for dinner. I suggested Japanese as it's my favourite but he didn't seem to keen, so he asked again and I said unless you want to cook something at your place and it's been 2 days since it was discussed and still no idea what is happening and no date or time. My guess is his wife doesn't want to go to the restaurant. I get no apologies for missing my birthday either. It's almost 10pm and 2 of the male neighbours are screaming and yelling at each other.

Bob_22 · ‎01-12-2022

Hi Bbydoll,

Sorry that you've been stuck in bed. Though it's good to hear your brother got in touch and is starting to firum up the plans. Hopefully they agree with the restuarant idea! I know it didn't turn out a success yet but well done for going out of your way to contact those charities. Holidays can be a stressful time so planning in advance can definitely help alot. I know for me it will be very lonely christmas.

Bob

Bbydoll · ‎06-12-2022

Hi Bob, chances are the charities won't be helping me because of a lack of supplies for people needing them. I'm sorry to hear you'll be lonely for Christmas. My brother finally has confirmed a day we are supposed to be meeting up but not yet a time. He said that we will probably go to a similar restaurant to the one I've asked for. Knowing my luck,he won't book anything or he will leave it until the last minute to do so. The reason I know this is from years of dealing with his horrible organisation skills. Why bother asking me where I want to go if you don't want to go to the place I chose. And it's not a ridiculously expensive restaurant either because I hate those type of places. And I gave him the option of having the meal at his place- but it meant he would have to cook. He does enjoy cooking,but probably doesn't want that either. He asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I chose a skirt that ironically is currently on sale! He still hasn't mentioned anything about my birthday which is almost 7 months ago and so I probably won't get anything from him. He promised we would do lunch out but that's not happening, we are supposed to be doing dinner out for Christmas. The only thing I got for my birthday was a pair of earrings and a small garden ornament from a friend who lives interstate. Nothing from my extended family. And only got messages on my Facebook account after I mentioned my birthday because I posted what I got up to after the day had ended. No one wants to deal with me and I don't know if it is because of my health issues or my mental health issues - but I don't talk about my mental health issues on my Facebook page. I'm sure everyone on my Facebook page is sick of hearing about what I'm dealing with because it's never ending. But I have no other outlet at the moment to deal with these problems. I'm sick of struggling and yet year after year Nothing I do changes anything. I do everything my doctors tell me and I still have ongoing physical health issues.