I hate this time of year & everything about my life

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2021

I'm suffering from chronic pain issues; auto immune related issues and a body that is basically falling apart. I have no family around except for a brother (and sister in law,and niece), who would rather spend time with their friends - even though I pushed myself to be there for their daughters birthday. My teeth are rotting because of pain meds and I have no way of paying for them to be fixed.. some are now are in my smile line and the idea of loosing teeth there destroys me. My extended family wanted me to join them on Christmas day except for the fact it would be just breakfast as they want to visit their significant others family (not to mention it's a 4 hour round trip for me on public transport on a public holiday), and I can barely function as I'm suffering from tinnitus and vertigo at the moment on top of my usual health issues. I'm struggling to get through to the rest of the year. I've been reaching out via text message to my closest friend - but he's been avoiding me. My other friend just doesn't believe how bad my mental state is; despite having her own issues with depression and suicide. Every year is another year where nothing is achieved and my "bucket list" is further away from ever happening. Even on the rare occasions I'm out socializing; people avoid me. I seem to just repel people. Having had years and years of people leaving me, it's not like I haven't tried - organizing parties at my place; inviting friends out for a girls night out etc... no one ever bothers returning the favor. No one checks up on me. My online friends only respond to me messaging them - and even that's not a guarantee of a reply. I'm tired of struggling with no support. I'm not living, I'm barely surviving. .. it's like I'm not even here. And I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I wasn't because people in my life just don't seem to care! And it's not like I have anything keeping me here - no partner, no kids, no pets. . Nothing at all.

Bbydoll · ‎02-08-2022

Hi James, I do have other face masks - it's just going to the post office, is such an effort - because I still am sleeping all day at the moment. My brother sent me a text basically giving me 2 weeks to clean up my apartment - so that he can drop off their old tv to me; as it's an inconvenience to them. He said otherwise they will sell it. It was supposed to be my Christmas present from last year (and an upgrade for me). Of course there's no offer of helping me to clean up my apartment.

He said they have to do some repairs to their house.

As to the gym - I actually prefer doing my own thing. The last time I was at a gym was many years ago and it was a woman's only gym. Unfortunately there aren't any in my local area. And I'd probably stick to that.

The only people I usually see are the people who work in my local pharmacy. I see them more than anyone else in my life and they usually chat with me.

I'm seeing my male friends show in a couple of weeks - so I'm looking forward to seeing him and hopefully chatting with him between shows. And then trying to get him to come over to help change some light bulbs - as there's very high ceilings in my apartment and I can't change it on my own. It also gives us time for a better talk face to face.

I haven't got anything else to look forward to this month. Next month I'll be seeing phantom of the opera at the opera house.

I need to try and get on track with the low calorie diet for my gallbladder surgery to try and avoid a bigger cut when the operation actually happens - but it might not happen until January as that's the current wait time!

Bbydoll · ‎04-08-2022

So today was just an awful one. I'm sitting here close to tears because of shear frustrations. So I'm trying to clean up my apartment, so that my brother can finally give me his old tv. So I spent a few hours last night/early this morning; sitting down and sorting through piles of stuff around my tv area. Then first thing this morning, I walked down to the shops and ran some errands and took along my granny trolley. Had a bite to eat and then a hot shower, and into my pyjamas. Went to have a nap. Only to have severe cramping in the front of my calves. It's incredibly painful and the only way to fix it, is to get into a searing hot shower and aim the water on the cramp. I went back to bed with the electric blanket on and still had issues if I moved slightly in bed. I got out of bed a couple of hours ago and have heat packs all over my body.

To top this all off one of my uncles has passed away today. In my mum's family there were 5 kids - and now there's only 1 left. The eldest child passed last year, my mum in march and now him. So I will have to travel down for that. I live over an hour away and of course have to travel down probably by train, unless my brother is going and then I might be able to get a lift from his wife. I know that there's still a lot of train strikes planned for this month. Every year that passes feels like it's heavier and harder than the last. I always hope that it will be better than the current one; but it never seems that way.

james1 · ‎11-08-2022

Hey Bbydoll,

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle's passing. It sounds like you're so weighed down by the burden of each year's struggles, it's no wonder each year feels heavier. It's almost like you need just one good year to wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

You know, I actually had a year that was a bit of a reset for me. When I was living at home, I think I had the same feeling of every year being worse than the previous, even if it actually wasn't worse. It felt worse because I was always dreading and preparing for the next bad thing. Small good things never felt big enough to make a dent in my memory, so every year just felt worse. My big turnaround came when I moved out and made really drastic changes to how I managed my relationships with the people I didn't get along with. I probably became more alone, but I felt like I didn't have the weight of them on me, and I was free to choose who was important to me at that time. That was about 5 years ago and, when my GP asked me yesterday how long I've felt pretty stable for, I said about 5 years. So probably no coincidence.

I'm not sure what your turnaround will be, but I also hope it will be later this year or soon. It's hard to move forward when we have the weight of a long memory of painful years keeping us pinned.

How do you feel about the low calorie diet? Do you have a plan with your doctors on the low calorie diet, to help you be able to maintain it, as I understand that's something you've struggled with in the past?

James

Bbydoll · ‎15-08-2022

Hi James, i posted too much a few days ago and everything was deleted. So I'll try to keep it brief. I've been slowly introducing the shakes into my diet. But the shear lack of actual meals is difficult to get my head around.

You asked what would help my turnaround - well to be honest. I'd love for my male friend to turn into a romantic relationship. But he would have to leave his current situation. It's funny because people who don't me; automatically think that we are a couple when it's just the 2 of us talking. So it's safe to say that others can pick up something between us. I'm not saying it would solve all of my problems. But having someone who wants to be by my side and cuddle me when things get rough, would be a lovely thing. I saw him recently and he will be coming around soon to help with the light bulbs. I need to also discuss the fact that he kissed me last November. I hadn't seen him since. He needs to know again where I stand. I don't want to be the bit on the side. I've been that (not by my choice!), before and it leads to too much heartache. And I would hurt myself first before I would hurt anyone else.

My brother was supposed to drop off the tv yesterday but didn't because his household has a cold at the moment. So once they're better, it will happen then. Apparently.

Bbydoll · ‎17-08-2022

So my 2 teeth needing extra work are getting worse and it is affecting my mental health. I can't ask for money from my brother because he wouldn't even spend $30 on a foot spa for Christmas; so borrowing $4000 wouldn't happen. I've written to parliamentary members who basically referred me back to the local dental clinics. But they only pull out teeth and do small fillings. I need 2 crowns. If not I'll loose the teeth. They're the first and second molars (up top). So would be very obvious if I had to have them out. I couldn't live like that. I'm ugly enough and a freak enough as it is. That's the last thing I'd need in my life. I can't take much more of this.

james1 · ‎17-08-2022

Oh... so you need to have shakes as your primary food? What kinds of shakes do you have? It sounds like it'd be quite a change!

It sounds like you really would like to feel loved and feel that would help a lot with turning your life around. I think I understand that. I'm single right now and while there are not many problems in my life anymore, it can feel a bit aimless with no one to build a life with, and a bit lonely when I've had a tough day and have nobody to go home to. Thankfully I don't have health conditions to contend with, so it's not such a prominent problem, but I know what you mean by just wishing you had someone who wanted to be by your side.

I'm sorry to hear about your teeth. I know this has been something that's bothered you for a while and you mentioned it in your opening post. I don't really know much about cheaper dental options. Did your dentist say if there's any way you can access the same service, but somehow cheaper or free? It seems really unfair that you can't access some really basic services to take care of yourself and not be made to feel ugly. It makes me so sad to hear how it makes you feel ugly and a freak, because it's such a horrible thing to have to deal with, and I don't think it's very fair at all.

James

Bbydoll · ‎18-08-2022

So I had a layby with a company that I've dealt with for years. And they've cancelled the layby because I have missed payments -when it was never a problem in the past. I left a voice mail message saying that I would come in today and pay some off.. only for them to tell me that I had to pay off the entire thing. Which is over $500! So it went back in stock and I have now got a store credit for what I spent - instead of getting a refund. So I'm so pissed off with this.

The shakes are packets of powdered flavours which you add water too. I'm supposed to have them 3 times a day. On top of which I can have a small handful of berries, at least 2 cups of low carb vegetables. And 100g lean protein (meat/fish or chicken). No eggs. No bread/rice/pasta etc

Can have sugar free cordial or sugar free drinks in limited qualities etc.

Bbydoll · ‎20-08-2022

I have been eating junk food this weekend and will officially start the complete diet on Monday! I have been cleaning/decluttering/sorting things for my upcoming surgery because like usual I probably won't have any help afterwards and my place is disgusting and messy. I'm also getting rid of excess items. For example I don't need 2 couches, both are falling apart so I had a council clean up take one away, alongside other old bits of furniture. I have donated 2 bags of clothes to lifeline and have more to be donated to salvos, but relying on someone's help for this! I spent most of today cleaning the pile of stuff beside my bed - was able to put my headphones on as I sorted and that helped with me getting it done! Also got the cobwebs off the ceiling in the bedroom. Plus I aired out my apartment. I've also bought a mini humidifier/essential oil burner in one. It will help to freshen up the air and I bought a mixed oil which is tranquil and calm..... thought it might also help with my moods.

Bbydoll · ‎21-08-2022

So I got talking to my best friend who lives in America -online late last night and first thing this morning. And I was asking about my friendship with my male friend and just some advice because I woke up thinking about him and not much else. Eventually I gave up on waiting for a response because there was never one. So I watched one of my favourite movies on DVD and ate an entire tub of ice cream. Neither was any good because I have a headache and the DVD kept skipping and of course I don't have enough internet and a crappy phone; so can't watch the movie online. I've also been crying on and off about having a conversation with him. At some point next week I'm hoping to see him and talk things over but I'm feeling all over the place because I want to take things further with him but not at the expense of hurting his wife. That's not who I am. But I'm so tired of being on my own and everything about being with him makes sense. If I didn't feel so connected with him I'd just walk away. I definitely don't want to be someone's seconds so ultimately it's up to him to either end their relationship or for her to do it for him!

james1 · ‎22-08-2022

Good job doing the cleaning and decluttering on the weekend! Sounds like it was a bit of a busy one. Have you tried out the oils? I have a friend who uses some kind of... liquid moisture burner thing. I am sure it has a better name than that, but I think it does a similar thing where it slowly puts a vapour into the air and is meant to be a calming thing?

It sounds like this thing with your male friend is really tossing you each way. I hope you can get it resolved soon. I also really hate being caught in a state of limbo, and I don't think I can do it for more than a couple of weeks. It really hangs over me the whole time and I'm just not myself. Does he know how torn you feel about it all right now?