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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

Tbh guys, I was pretty close , this forum may well have saved my life. To recap , in last 3 years I've had 5 people close to me die, my wife has told me 3 different times she wssnt in love with me and was with someone else, she told me at least 10 times she would choose her lover over me if I made her choose, I've come home to discover them together after lying she was on her own had a 180kph drive across remote land to hospital to save my wifes life from stingray barb to artery and my best mate died same day, 3 court battles, said goodbye to my dad numerous times with drs encouraging me to pull plug on his dyalisus (hes still going) my sisters and I dont talk and I find out I've got a half sister younger than my daughter who has a new son (grandson) with a club foot and she has post natal depression. My wife speaks to me like she hates me half the time and the other half shes an angel from heaven , my emotions take a beating

[smallwolf]

Hi again Waxer. You have certainly been through a lot in short time period and with all of that said, you have the strength to the deal with whatever has been thrown your way. With your wife it sounds as though you are caught half way deciding what to do? I would guess that when she is nice to you, you would be thinking when will she turn nasty towards me? Or when it happens you would think what did I do now!

Perhaps forever hopeful. That things can get better. And they can. Or they might not. We don't really know.

Suppose that you and your wife decided to go separate ways - what would your life look like? what might you think her life would look like?

I don't know if you called 1800RESPECT for a chat, to talk things through with someone else. If nothing else, they could help you to identify what you are experiencing and needed supports.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Waxer]

I think my wife wants to leave me but feels a bit stuck. She wants to spend more and more time apart and is speaking more and more horrible to me. I just wanna die, I wish I'd just die in my sleep and hope i wont remember this if theres an afterlife.

[Waxer]

The hard thing is every time I think we've made progress it only takes a tiny disagreement fur her to start talking like she hates me and if I react then she wants a separation. She resents me cause I've been mentally ill and if I try explaining I'm mentally ill because my hearts been broken so many times and I'm trying my best to get better it just makes her resent me more. I dont know how I could cope without her shes my world

[Waxer]

Btw I did speak to the respect line fur a long time last night, helped me a bit, but I'm still an absolute mess inside my heart

[mocha delight]

I’m sorry your going through this waxer and I wish I could say the right thing to definitely lift up your spirits but at a loss for words to console you so I’m just going to say: 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[Waxer]

My angel is a bit better today, but I know I'm one stuff up away from her canning me, she even said that, problem is, one stuff up could be just me getting upset because she yells and swears at me if I have an opinion or disagree, my only hope is from now on never disagree or have a contrary opinion

[smallwolf]

It must be so tough for you at the moment. It sounds like you having to walk on eggshells at the moment.

Do you often have contrary opinions or disagree? Both are OK if done respectfully. I am a little concerned for you though. I wonder where you find the strength to remain in what appears to be a one way relationship?

And when she does get angry at you, what do you do?

Peace to you,

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi Tim, thanks again for caring. I certainly do have to tread on eggshells. But is it a one way thing? It does seem like it to me often. But when I look at my wife, I just totally melt. I watched a romantic movie the other day where the couple looked so in love- that's how I feel about my wife to this day after 36 years. She is amazingly beautiful (shes 57 but looks 40) bikini model. Shes funny, shes quaint. Shes adorable, shes the most wonderful person in the world. But for some reason I bring out the worst in her. We dont disagree or clash all that often, possibly as I tend to try avoid that. But sometimes even when I think its only been a very minor disagreement she will go from 0-100 on the Richter scale of angry and say the most awful and hurtful things , then often denying she said then soon after. I'll give you an example of what's happening. Couple nights ago I was writing a letter to council about some neighbourhood thing, she quite angrily said she didnt want to know about it and I would cause trouble by writing to council (this was about 2 minutes after telling me she was spewing about the issue and I thought I'd try sort it through council fur her ) I tried to assure her what I'd written wouldn't cause problems and just said, could you please listen to what I said and you'll see what I said was ok, yes I emphasized it a tiny bit but no yelling or nasty tone , but she started pointing her finger and swearing and yelling at me and I tried really hard to stay calm, I very lovingly said, please kitten,can we just talk lovingly about things and asked her if she could just talk quietly to me, she yelled even harder and said she was unhappy in our marriage and she wanted a separation, I refused to meltdown when she said that like I usually do and cuddled her and said come on kitten you dont mean that. I begged her to come see a marriage counsellor but she said she wasn't interested and told me to get out. I went fur a drive in her sports car as I hadn't driven it yet much. I stupidly sent her a text saying if she didn't see a marriage counsellor with me I'd end the marriage, of course she called my bluff and was still nasty when I got home, so I asked her if I went fur a walk to give her space if shed not consider that a meltdown as I'm on my last chance. She said ok. I talked to respect counsellor for an hour or so then came home. Shed calmed down a lot and we went to bed. Next day when I asked her if she really wanted a separation, she denied saying it. She was a bit of a nervous wreck most of the day as was I. Eventually she seemed to get back to herself.. she had a bad headache that night and I massaged her head for about 2 hours. Yesterday and today she was the wonderful wife I love so much. Tonight she was snapping ar me as she got worked up over a cleaner missing a stain on b and b bed. I tried to help, but thankfully I knew thus time when to shut my mouth. So she sort of apologised after a while. This is excruciating though, I love her so very deeply to the point I worship the ground she walks on and my heart melts every time I look at her or hear her voice. But I feel so on edge whether she really loves me, whether shes going to tell me again she would choose her lover over me, whether shes going to tell me shes unhappy with me again and has nothing in her heart fur me. My senses are so on alert I jump at the tiniest sound and I often shake or tap especially my right hand. Talking to people here has helped but I fear my heart is wearing out and it's just a matter of time before the love of my life smashes my heart to pieces again. I was a strong healthy happy man before, I think that's what she wants me to be, but my mind tells me that man is the man she fell out of love with, so I try to be perfect for her but it's not working.

[smallwolf]

You do not have to go into details - just wondering if you are finding the respect line helpful? From your last post it sounds like you might have found a couple of tricks with handling the tense situations? And she apologised a couple of times if I understand correctly.

I could understand some people getting worked up about a stain on a bed. There is one person I know that gets upset (where I work) if chairs are not stacked properly or positioned correctly. My thoughts about this person - here we go again. There is nothing I can do about it really. Well there is... I can walk away from the situation. It sounds as though your wife likes everything clean and in the right places. Where did that come from? (rhetorical question)

I could say the way you asked about a walk could be assertive? Would you have done that in the past?

When patterns develop over a period of time, it may take much longer to reverse those patterns. And I will be here with you.

Tim