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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer,

You are right about psychologists being on a clock of sorts. Also remember they have other people to speak to as well. I know there are times when I feel like I could speak with my psychologist for more time but... I also try to make sure that I end a topic at the end of the session.

Is there anyone in your area that you can talk to? If not, is there a Men's Shed or similar group near you? A place where you can meet other people and do things and talk without having to worry about a clock.

What are some things that you like doing?

Tim

[Waxer]

What's a mens shed? I'm in port Stephens, been here a year I dont know what's around. I'm home again alone, went to Sydney and spent night with wife, but she was stressed and spoke absolutely horribly to me. I could take it but she doesnt speak to anyone else in the world like that except me, so I dont know if it's because she doesnt love me, respect me, or if she's just used to me taking whatever she can throw at me. I am so up and down, tonight I've felt ok at times and down in dumps too, I just wish I could have a beautiful sleep with nice dreams and wake up in heaven with only memories up until about 4 years ago

[smallwolf]

Stealing words from Men's Shed....

Most men have learned from our culture that they don’t talk about feelings and emotions many do not take an interest in their own health and well-being

....

The Men’s Shed movement has now become one of the most powerful tools in addressing health and wellbeing and helping men to once again become valued and productive members of our community.

It may give you an opportunity to talk with other people (men) who are not on a time clock.

Perhaps your wife is just used to letting out her own frustrations on you. I could also how she might react if you told her how the way she talk to you makes you feel.

Do you have any distraction tools you can use? Or ways of reframing your thoughts?

Tim

[Waxer]

Thanks, I'll check that out, oh and I've tried to tell her how much it hurts when she speaks horribly to me, her reaction is usually to just blame me and speak worse. I usually just cop it and say nothing back as it just makes it worse. She usually moves on after a while like it never happened, so I'm trying to train myself to just shut up or I get hurt even more

[Waxer]

I'm such a loser, my wife still speaks to me like I'm her worst enemy. I tried again to lovingly and gently talk to her about that tonight sfyer she did it again tonight and her response was I should consider being committed for my mental illness. I tried to say that despite her getting angry and speaking horribly regularly still I hadn't had a meltdown since she warned me she would leave me if I had another one. She just justifies her anger and the way she speaks to me as my fault every time. For many years now every single argument we've had I end up apologising to keep her, I must be a total loser to always be in the wrong. I dont know what to do, I feel like she is mentally abusing me, yet she accuses me of doing that because I have at times been suicidal over last 3 years. I contacted a mens shed tonight, I'll see what that brings, but I'm increasingly starting to feel my wife leaving me is inevitable and I cant see a future for me without her. I love her so much why does she treat me so bad. I can honestly say with my hand on my heart I treat her like a queen, I speak beautifully to her, every morning I say hi beautiful, every evening I say good night gorgeous, I always say would you like a cuppa kitten, I try to cook often and keep the house immaculate etc etc I try to give her the world. I even bought her a little 2005 slk350 convertible Mercedes a week ago and she loves it. I let her keep her lover in our lives and we see him every week , it's either that or lose her. I just wish I could go back 4 years and not meet this man who has destroyed my life, or even better just not wake up tomorrow and have no memory of the heartache I feel

[smallwolf]

Waxer,

What would you say if I suggested that you give 1800 RESPECT (Call1800 737 732) a call? I am a little concerned about the way that you are being treated by your wife. Keep in mind that I only see the snippets from your posts vs everyday, but the effect her statements have on you sounds distressing and abusive. If nothing else, I am sure they would be able to give you options about your situation.

On your good qualities - treat her nicely, house clean, nice gifts

... a gentleman! I wonder what she blames you for? A rhetorical question. Because you have been suicidal does not give anyone the right to make you feel bad.

Perhaps a question to ponder.... do you apologise to her to stop the argument also? My wife and I do not get into proper arguments. If she says something that makes me feel as though it were my fault, I will say sorry and shut up - the argument is not worth it, a losing battle! (I will feel a little angry, hurt...) I guess it does not reach the stage of what you go through with your wife.

Lets change topics for a bit... do you work? retired? hobbies? interests?

Tim

[Waxer]

Thanks Tim, I'm definitely calling that number, thank you. I haven't heard back from the mens shed yet, but I'll chase that up. It's a good last few days. She's like the girl with the curl , when it's good its wonderful but when its bad she can be so very very hurtful bordering on cruel with what she says and how she speaks to me. My hobbies are photography. I used to be quite good at snooker but my eyesight isn't so good nowadays. I work 2 days a week but do a lot on the house fir our b and bs. As to what she blames me for- the first time she told me she wasn't in love with me, it was things like , In no order, i didn't groom well enough, i didn't dress well enough, i spend to much time on PC (photography) I dont understand her, i dont keep the house tidy enough (keep in mind when she met me my wardrobe was a pile of clothes at end of bed) I now groom incessantly, keep the house like a show house, only go in PC if she's in bed or very busy, I dress better when we go out etc etc the next time it was because we argue to much and I yell in arguments - that was true, but it was almost always after she yelled at me, I haven't yelled despite the harshest provocation for many months now, but she still yells at me - like she goes from zero to off the Richter scale in seconds, all it takes is for me to say anything she takes as criticism of her lover or her sisters, or if I disagree or have an opinion on anything , or if I say anything like I'm tired or stressed she will say its not about me. Lately she's showing signs that she knows she speaks badly to me, but it's always there and I'm always on edge that I might not be perfect in everything. Now she blames my ptsd/depression and the fact I meltdown (get very emotional even crying) when she says anything about not having anything in her heart for me or along the lines that she would choose her lover if I made her choose. When she yells at me if I have an opinion or say anything she gets angry about, I just go into my shell and get very quiet, then she accuses me of having a meltdown and I need to be committed. I know she knows she yells to readily and speaks badly to me, but she also always justifies it. Lsdt Monday morning, I just asked of she could forgive a friend from the past if we ran into him enough to just say hi as we were due to ho somewhere this weekend where it would be possible we ran into him. She almost instantly spoke with venom at me, I asked her why she cant just have a normal loving conversation with me about anything and she just said I should have shut up, and yet when I do go quiet in case I get her going she accuses me of melting down. I lo e her so much

[Waxer]

Whoops, hit reply accidently, to continue, I love her so much I try everything in my power to do everything she wants and to change even the slightest thing she doesnt like about me, I just hope she an one day go back to how we used to be

[Waxer]

I'm such an idiot I keep putting off calling the numbers that you've all been kind enough to give me as my wife gets loving with me again, then she's horrible then just as Im about to call those numbers she's nice again and I just keep hoping and praying it gets better for good. Valentines day was mixed, she was lively and then fiery then lovely etc then fiery again, we had a beautiful day yesterday then this morning her lover made problems for me and then I thought it was forgotten then tonight she dropped a plaster angel shes always telling me to be careful of I was simply looking around the room fur a better place to keep it when she very nastily said , well say I told you so, go on . I was shocked and let it go till I thought she had cooled down then asked her if she wouldn't mind not presuming I was doing anything other than being loving, that's when she got real nasty and brought up her lover supposedly being hurt and other things that made me realise shed been holding a grudge all day. I'm doing my best not to have a meltdown, but I had to leave the room or she would have gotten out of control angry. I'm in the other room, I'm toying with having a go at her boyfriend, I csnt take any more of this mental torture, I know shes hurting, our daughter is worrying her, shes not over her dad dying, but I cannot possibly be a more loving husband. I'm really over it, I'm not enjoying life, I love life with a passion when shes loving to me, but when she does this she takes me 20 steps backward from the few I took forward. My head is spinning, I know if I meltdown she will leave me, Its taking me every bit of heart I have to stop having a meltdown but I can feel it coming on, I'm panicking in my head, I just cant see a future without continual hurt

[Sophie_M]

Hey Waxer,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. It sounds like things are really stressful between you and your partner again. I'm glad to hear you've been considering calling the numbers we've recommended to you. I think you will really benefit from contacting a counsellor over the phone or through webchat. In particular, I'd recommended you get in contact with 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or through online chat here: https://chat.1800respect.org.au/#/welcome. If you feel there is something not right about the way you are being treated you can contact 1800RESPECT and one of their counsellors can help you understand what you have experienced and assist you to access the support you need.

You can also contact us 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area

We also want to let you know that we are checking in with you via email. Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

Stay safe,

Sophie